The Parrot Sketch, Part Two

| CA, USA | Pets & Animals

(I volunteer at a thrift store that donates it’s money to cancer research. All we sell are donated objects. A middle aged man comes in with a big bird cage filled with five live parrots.)

Me: “Excuse me, sir! We can’t take live animals.”

Customer: “Oh, it’s okay. My babies are very well behaved.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but it’s really not an option.”

Customer: *suddenly angry* “Listen a******, you have to take these flying sh**ters, because I’m sick of cleaning up poop!”

Me: “I’m sorry—”

Customer: “BE FREE, BIRDS!”

(He then opened the cage and all the birds flew out. My manager, two other coworkers, and I all scrambled around trying to capture them, sustaining many bites and scratches. By the time we did, two hours later, the man had gone. My manager had to then find a shelter that would take all the animals, and we all had to stay three hours late cleaning up bird crap.)

Getting Shirty Over The Jewels

| Waynesboro, VA, USA | Bizarre

(I am behind the jewelry counter at work.)

Customer: “Do you have a cleaning cloth so I can clean this jewelry?”

Me: *joking* “No, Ma’am, but I have my shirt”

(I laughed but then felt a hard jerk on my shirt. I was pulled half way across the jewelry counter. She was using the edge of my shirt to clean the jewelry. I was in awe but kept my mouth shut after and let her continue. I am so glad I have a good sense of humor. I was asking for it.)

Putting The Brakes On This Conversation

| USA | Family & Kids, Transportation

(It’s a snowy Saturday morning. I am waiting in line, directly behind a young woman and her little boy, who looks to be about six years old. The cashier is being friendly with him, and he is telling her all about the toy that was just purchased for him. His mother tells him it’s time to go, and then:)

Cashier: “Have a great day and drive safely!”

Mom: “Have a nice day.”

Boy: “We WILL drive safely.” *pause* “Unless Mom goes like ‘aaaahh!’” *mimes looking shocked and stepping on the brakes*

Mom: “[Boy]!” *hastily rushes him out of the store as I snicker*

Retort Against Those Who Extort

| Orlando, FL, USA | Awesome Workers, Bad Behavior, Home Improvement, Liars & Scammers, Top

(My mother is in her 70s, and is shopping at a thrift store when she spots a beautiful bamboo bookcase.)

Clerk: “Hi. Do you need some help?”

Mom: “I am interested in the shelf, but have to go home first and do some measuring.”

Clerk: “No problem; I’ll make sure it’s still here when you get back.”

(After getting home, measuring, and seeing it will fit, she calls me to ask if I can go with her to pick it up if it was still there. We get to the store, where she walks over to the bookshelf and shows me. About a second later, a customer immediately walks up to us.)

Customer: “I’m actually buying this shelf… but how much would you be willing to give me NOT to buy this?”

(My mom and I looked at each other in disbelief, and before I can even think of what to say to this idiot, the clerk from earlier immediately steps in:)

Clerk: “Sorry, sir. This lady was here earlier and was going to buy it, but she had to run home and take measurements first.”.

Customer: “Well, that’s not fair. I was just ready to buy this!”

Clerk: “Sorry. She gets first pick.”

Mom: *looking at the customer with a big grin* “And I decided I’ll take it.”

Clerk: *with an even bigger grin* “Let me go ahead and ring you up, and you also get a senior discount!”

(We spent the next few minutes cashing out while the customer just stood there and stared at us the whole time, and then stood out in the parking lot and kept staring at us (with a butt-hurt look) while I loaded it on the car, pausing here and there to give him a big ‘f*** you’ grin. Thank you, awesome clerk, for putting that a**-hole in his place for trying to extort money from the elderly!)

Cause For Pregnant Pause, Part 6

| MO, USA | Bad Behavior, Health & Body, Religion

(I’m not a thin woman, but never considered myself to be HUGE. I have polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) and it makes it very hard to get my weight to go down, so I’m kind of touchy about it.)

Customer #1: “Aw, when are you due?”

Me: “I’m sorry. Were you just talking to me?”

Customer #1: “Yes, when is your baby due?”

Me: *quietly, so as not to embarrass either of us any further* “I’m not pregnant, miss; I’m just a little large.”

Customer #1: *quite loudly* “What! That’s not a little large. You’re huge! You look like you could pop at any second!”

Me: “Um, well, I’m sorry, but I’m not pregnant, and I’d appreciate it if you’d keep your comments to yourself.”

Customer #1: “It is my duty by God to inform you that you are living an unhealthy lifestyle and gluttony will lead you straight to Hell. What do you weigh? 500lbs!?”

Me: *now on the verge of tears, as EVERY customer is looking at us* “Ma’am, please keep your voice down. First off, no, I weigh 220lbs. I lead a very active lifestyle. I have a disease that makes it hard for me to lose weight. Please, you’re embarrassing me.”

(Another customer, who has witnessed the conversation, approaches.)

Customer #2: “Miss, you need to stop. I can clearly see your upsetting her.”

Customer #1: “NO! She must learn the dangers of her ways. It’s not too late for her to repent and change. You get down on your knees right now and beg God for forgiveness and you’ll be saved.”

(At this, she actually pulls a bible from her bag and starts waving it at me.)

Me: “Ma’am, please just buy your items. You’re upsetting me. Please.”

Customer #2: “Ma’am, I’m going to call the police if you do not stop this.”

(I am now crying as the customer is reading furiously from one random passage of the bible, almost screaming. She notices I have a bowl of candy on the table next to the register. She picks it up and flings it.)

Customer #1: “You see! It’s these that cause that! Gluttony! You’ll burn if you don’t repent!”

Me: “Those are for children! I don’t even like suckers!”

Customer #2: *tries to take her by the arm and lead her from the store she smacks him in the head with her bible*

Manager: *comes running from in the back* “What in the world is going on here!?”

Customer #1: “You allow sinful, gluttonous employees here! She must repent or she’ll burn in Hell! It is my duty to make her see the evil of her ways!”

(The customer now goes to the door and opens it and starts screaming this outside at everyone who walks by.)

Manager: “Ma’am, I’ve called the police. You need to leave right now. You’ve upset my employee and injured a customer.”

Customer #1: “He’s assisting the devil! He’ll burn with the harlot! You’ll all burn!”

(She rants like this for 10 more minutes before the police arrive and arrest her. The man she hit with the bible had to have dental work done on his front teeth. She was charged with disturbing the peace, harassment, resisting arrest, and assault. She was sentenced to 90 days in jail and a $2,000 fine. My boss gave me a week off with pay.)

Related:
Cause For Pregnant Pause, Part 5
Cause For Pregnant Pause, Part 4
Cause For Pregnant Pause, Part 3
Cause For Pregnant Pause, Part 2
Cause For Pregnant Pause

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