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    Liar, Liar, Hand’s On Fire

    | CA, USA | Health & Body, Liars & Scammers

    (Our theme park has designated smoking areas. I have just rounded a corner and see a guest smoking in a non-designated spot near a children’s play area. She spots me quickly and hides the cigarette in her hand.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but this is a non-smoking area. I can show you to one of our designated smoking areas just a short distance away.”

    Guest: “I wasn’t smoking! That is a very rude accusation to make!”

    (Meanwhile, smoke has been drifting out from between her fingers where she has cupped her hand around the still-lit cigarette.)

    Me: “Then it appears your hand is on fire. I can take you to one of our emergency medical stations. They’re conveniently located next to our designated smoking areas.”

    Guest: *deadpan* “Yes, that’s it. Oh no, my hand! Please show me to medical station!”

    (I lead her towards the medical station. As soon as she sees the smoking area, she peels off without a word and goes there to finish her cigarette.)

    Please, No Free, Unlimited Questions

    | Santa Claus, IN, USA |

    (I’m a cashier at an amusement park that has a special deal involving free unlimited drinks.)

    Customer: “How many free, unlimited soft drinks can I have?”

    Me: *thinking I misheard him* “How many free, unlimited soft drinks can you have?”

    Customer: *nods*

    Me: “Sir, since our soft drinks are both free and unlimited, you can have as many as you want.”

    Customer: *visibly brightens* “Thanks!”

    Momma Knows Best

    | Florida, USA | Family & Kids

    Me: “It sounds like the fireworks are just starting. I can hear them.”

    Boy: “Good, that means we can go on the big ride next door! All the dumb people will watch the fireworks when they could be riding the—”

    Boy’s Mother: *chiding her son* “Now, now, they’re not ‘dumb people.’ They’re ‘suckers.’”

    From Wrong To Wronger

    | Mason, OH, USA | Family & Kids, Underaged

    (I’m working a game when an older man approaches me with his kid. Please note that I am 15 years old.)

    Guest: “Hey, so it’s my son’s 15th birthday and I really need your help to give him his birthday spankings.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

    Guest: “No, really, I need your help to give him his birthday spankings. I’ll hold him, you spank him!”

    Me: “Sir, I’m not going to do that. That’s guest assault!”

    Guest: “Oh, c’mon! No it’s not! Look, will you marry me? Will you have my kids?”

    Me: “Sir, I’m 15 too!”

    Guest: “Oh.” *takes off at a very fast pace*

    Watch Out For The Pansysaurus

    | Florida, USA | Extra Stupid

    (Our park has a dinosaur-themed section. I am helping a family with directions in a nearby area.)

    Customer: “What is there to do in [dino-area]?”

    Me: “Well, there are carnival games, a playground for the kids, and there’s the dinosaur ride.”

    Customer: “What’s that?”

    Me: “It’s a bumpy jeep ride through the dark with dinosaurs attacking you—”

    Customer: *in horror*Real dinosaurs?”

    Customer’s sister: “Think about what you just said, girl. Dinosaurs are extinct!”

    (The original customer is looking at me for confirmation, still horrified.)

    Me: “No, we don’t have any real dinosaurs.” *joking* “We tried to get some but it didn’t work out. The ones in the ride are robotic.”

    Customer: “But do they, like, climb into the cars and attack you?”

    Me: *dumbfounded*

    (The sister and the rest of the family are doubled over laughing.)

    Me: “No! You’re perfectly safe in the car.”

    Customer: “I don’t think I want to try that ride!”

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