It is a super busy summer weekend at our world-famous theme park. There are lines for everything, and thanks to peak capitalism, lots of our customers are taking advantage of pay-extra fast passes to skip lines. 

I am manning the fast-pass entrance at a ride, keeping their wait time down to what I have been told. A woman with a group of her children in the regular line has been watching me let people in for about ten minutes, getting angrier and angrier.

Angry Customer: “Why are all those people going ahead of us?!”

Me: “They’re on the fast pass, ma’am.”

Angry Customer: “I have kids! They’re tired! They should be allowed through the fast pass!”

Me: “Unfortunately, ma’am, you have to purchase special wristbands to benefit from the fast pass.”

Angry Customer: “And let me guess, those cost extra?”

Me: “They do, ma’am, but for days like today, on the weekend, and during our peak season they come highly recommended in order to beat the lines at our most popular rides.”

As I am explaining this, a group of adults with fast passes approach me. I am about to start scanning them, when the angry customer suddenly jumps out of her spot in the line and blocks their path.

Angry Customer: “They don’t even have any kids! They should let me take their spot!”

Customer: “What the h***, lady?!”

Me: “Ma’am, please let those customers through. They have every right to be here and—”

Angry Customer: “F*** these childless f***s! You shouldn’t let anyone into [Park] unless they have kids! You all don’t know how hard it is to keep kids happy in these long lines!”

Customer: “So I should suffer because I chose not to have kids? Get over yourself, lady!”

Me: “Ma’am, please step back into your line or I will be forced to call security.”

Angry Customer: “I can barely afford to bring my kids here and these f***s can just waltz through with their fancy passes! F*** that! Let me and my kids on this ride right now!”

I call security and manage to get some more guests on the ride in the meantime. When they arrive they escort the woman out of the ride, forcing her poor kids to leave with her. I don’t know what became of her, and I feel for mothers who struggle to deal with grouchy kids in our long lines, but as a childless adult fan of the park myself, I can’t say I agree with her.

I work in customer service for a small theme park in Belgium. On Monday, I have a lady on the phone.

Caller: “This weekend, I booked tickets for your park, but when I arrived at the train station, I realised that there was no bus available to get to you! I had to go back home and I couldn’t come.”

Me: “Sorry about that. Would you like me to postpone your tickets to another day?”

Caller: “No, I want you to refund my tickets and my train tickets! It’s mentioned nowhere on your website that the train station was so far away!”

Me: “I’m sorry, madam, but our website indicates that we are twenty minutes away from the train station and that there are only taxis available. I’m afraid we can’t refund your train tickets.”

Caller: “Isn’t there any compensation at all?!”

Me: “We can postpone your ticket for the park to another day, but that’s all I can do, unfortunately.”

Caller: “Wow, really? That’s not very customer-friendly of you!”

Two days later, we received a complaint from the consumer advocacy association… Some people are nuts.

I work in a water-based theme park that includes aquariums and rides, as well as an underwater mermaid show that I am currently selling tickets for. The mermaid show is a group of synchronized swimmers wearing merfolk tails performing underwater acrobatic feats. A guest from the previous show storms up to me.

Guest: “You’re all a bunch of liars! You said you had a mermaid show, but it’s just a bunch of regular people wearing mermaid tails!”

Me: “Well… yes, ma’am. That’s the show.”

Guest: “So, y’all are liars! You’re advertising fake mermaids!”

Me: “And where would we get real mermaids, ma’am?”

Guest: “Same place as you get all the other fish in this place: the ocean, duh!”

I look painfully at my manager, who knows I can’t respond to this without insulting the guest.

Manager: “Ma’am, I am sorry, but the mermaids are all extinct. They were hunted to extinction by all the whaling ships. Our show is just a representation of what they used to look like.”

Guest: “Oh! That’s awful! Thank you for letting me know!”

Manager: “You’re welcome, ma’am. Please enjoy the rest of your stay.”

She walks off.

Me: *To my manager* “You’re just perpetuating the cycle of stupid.”

Manager: “I used to work in a zoo with fake dinosaurs where this would happen every week. This is nothing.”

Stay in school, kids!

I work in the call center for a large theme park in Florida.

Me: “This is [My Name] at [Park] customer service. How can I help you?”

Caller: “You need to find my daughter and give her a cup of water.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Caller: “My daughter! She’s at your park, and she needs water! I’m in Ohio, so I can’t take it to her!”

Me: “Ma’am… you want us to search our packed theme park to find your daughter and give her a cup of water for you?”

Caller: “YES!”

My friend and I are waiting in line for a ride at a theme park. Ahead of us, a couple is talking, but we are not really paying attention until the guy turns to us.

Guy: “Hey, can I ask you two something? What would you call those?”

He points to some nearby bushes pruned to resemble the park’s mascots.

Friend: “The bush people?”

Me: “Bush sculptures?”

The guy starts laughing, but before he can elaborate, his girlfriend cuts in.

Girlfriend: “TOPIARIES! THEY. ARE CALLED. TOPIARIES!”

Me: “Oh… Okay?”

Friend: “I mean… I’m sure that’s true, but we just didn’t know that word.”

Girlfriend: “UGH!”

She stormed off, out of line, followed by her boyfriend, who was still laughing.

Well… we know that word NOW!