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    Caught On Con-did Camera

    | Orlando, FL, USA | Awesome Customers, Liars & Scammers, Wild & Unruly

    (I am working as a ride attendant for a theme park roller coaster.)

    Me: *over the intercom* “Once the gates have opened completely, you may make your way to the farthest available seat. Please make sure to secure all personal belongings and fasten your seat belt securely.”

    (Two men approach me from the loading gates, one of whom is in a wheelchair.)

    Disabled Guest: “Hey, buddy. You think you could help my friend get me into the seat there?”

    Me: “Uh, sure, I could do that.”

    (His friend wheels him over to the end of a row of seats and puts the brake on his chair.)

    Me: “What do you need me to do?”

    Friend: “You get his feet, I’ll get him from the back.”

    Disabled Guest: “Thanks again.”

    (The disabled guest raises his arms and his friend grabs him around the chest while I lift his feet off the ground and we sidle over to the train car. Suddenly the disabled guest twists his upper body violently and his friend drops him on his rear end.)

    Disabled Guest: “OH, GOD!”

    Friend: “What the f*** did you just do?!”"

    Me: *terrified* “What?”

    Disabled Guest: “F***, s***, f***! I think my back is busted!”

    Friend: *pointing at me, looking all around* “You all saw him! He dropped my buddy on purpose! That’s first-degree assault!”

    Me: “But I didn’t do anything!”

    Disabled Guest: *still pretending to be in pain* “Somebody call an ambulance! Somebody call a lawyer! Call the cops!”

    Friend: *stomping over to stand one inch from me* “You think just ’cause my buddy’s in a wheelchair you can do whatever you f****** want to him? We’re gonna sue the s*** out of your f****** a**!”

    (He shoves me with both hands, but then the guy in the end seat in the row behind the one we were trying to sit the disabled man in yells at them and points his camera phone at them.)

    Camera Guy: “Hey! You leave him alone! I saw what you did! You tried to set him up! He didn’t drop your friend, you did!”

    (The disabledguest, still lying on the ground, abruptly stops yelling in pain.)

    Friend: “F*** you, f**! You can’t prove anything!”

    Camera Guy: “Oh yeah? I got the whole thing on video!” *he waves his phone at them*

    Friend: “Give me that f****** phone!”

    (The disabled guest’s friend lunges for the phone but the other man quickly hands it to his wife two seats over. The friend hits his head on the side of the train car and his extended hand scratches the camera man’s neck.)

    Disabled Guest: “[Friend's name], get the f****** phone, you retard!”

    (The charade begins to fall apart as his friend staggers and clutches his head, which is now bleeding.)

    Friend: *staggering and clutching his head, which is now bleeding* “F*** you!”

    Camera Guy: “Somebody call security! These guys are con artists! I got it all on tape!”

    (I dash around the disabled guest, having to jump as he tries to grab me by the legs, and run back to the intercom.)

    Me: “Security to [roller coaster] loading platform, emergency!”

    (Three security guards armed with night sticks and mace show up only a few seconds later and have to drag the disabled man’s friend away as he was trading kicks with the camera guy and the camera guy’s wife. The camera couple and the two men are both taken to the nearest emergency station, and security makes me go with them. A park official shows up about half an hour later to take statements from everyone involved separately. After I give my statement, I wait alone in a waiting room for some time before a park doctor comes in and tells me the camera couple wants to talk to me. I’m led into their room.)

    Camera Guy: “Hey, I wanted you to know I saw everything that happened. If that guy tries any legal s*** against you, I’ll be a witness.”

    Me: “That would be great of you. I just… I don’t know what’s going on.”

    Camera Guy’s Wife: “This place is full of cheaters and liars; that’s what’s going on.”

    Camera Guy: “D*** right, honey.”

    (The park official walks in again.)

    Camera Guy: “You don’t believe that jacka**’s story, do you?” *points to me* “This guy didn’t do anything wrong. I caught it all on video with my phone if you need proof.”

    Park Official: “That won’t be necessary, sir. We have security cameras all over the park. We saw what those men did.”

    (The two men were banned from the park and the able-bodied one was charged with assault on the camera guy and his wife, who were given a refund on their admission, four additional one-day tickets, vouchers for free meals at any restaurant in the park, and two huge stuffed animals for their kids, all free.)

    Please Keep All Cybernetics Inside The Ride At All Times

    | Orlando, FL, USA | Awesome Customers, Family & Kids, Themed Giveaway, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I work as an attendant for a theme park roller coaster. We have had an incident where a guest’s $10,000, custom-made prosthetic leg fell off while he was riding the coaster and landed in the moat below. Thanks to that, the park changed their policy to not allow anyone to bring a prosthetic limb onto any ride; now they must be stored in lockers with other personal belongings.)

    Me: “How many in your party, sir?”

    Guest: “Two.”

    Me: “Row three, please. Right this way.”

    Guest: “Hold on.”

    (He bends over, unsnaps something, pulls his leg out of his jeans, straightens up and hands it to me.)

    Me: “Uh…”

    Guest: “Could you hold onto this while I ride?”

    Me: *unable to take my eyes off the prosthetic being offered* “I, uh… I’m sorry, sir. You’ll have to store that in the lockers out front.”

    Guest: “You mean I have to go through the whole line again?”

    Me: *visibly shivering* “You, um, I mean, I can give you a pass to let you back into the leg -I mean- front of the line.”

    Guest: “Well, that sure is a pain.”

    (He starts hobbling around to put his leg back on, when new guests start coming down the queue. At the front of the line is a little boy, maybe 6 or 7 years old, and his mother.)

    Little Boy: *wide-eyed and pointing at the one-legged man* “Look, mommy! That man’s a robot!”

    Mother: “You’re making that man feel bad. You apologize to him!”

    Little Boy: *suddenly terrified* “Is he gonna shoot me with his lasers?”

    Guest: *in a silly computer-like voice* “DON’T WORRY, YOUNG HUMAN PERSON. I ONLY SHOOT BAD GUYS WITH MY LASERS. BEEP BOOP.”

    Little Boy: “Whoooooaaaaaa!”

    Chunder Mountain

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA | Health & Body, Wild & Unruly

    (I operate a pretty big roller coaster for a ticket run theme park.)

    Father: *to his 10 year old* “Shall we ride?”

    Son: “We just had lunch.”

    Father: “You’re a chicken. I’ll ride it myself!”

    Me: “Sir, just so you know, this ride is bumpy and has a lot of quick stops. It isn’t very fun on a full stomach.”

    Father: “How would you know? Have you ever tried?”

    Me: “No, but I’ve been doing this job for 3 years now.”

    Father: “Well, I’ll show you, and I’ll sit in the very back.”

    Me: “If you say so; the customer is always right. Have fun!”

    (The father boards the ride, and I keep an eye on him. As I predicted, he isn’t going doing so well and is clutching his stomach throughout the ride. When the ride finally jerks to a stop, the puke flies.)

    Son: “Dad, I told you not to do it!”

    Wales Is A Country Too

    | San Antonio, TX, USA | Language & Words, Pets & Animals

    (The marine park where I work features a show starring beluga whales.)

    Guest: *runs up* “I need to find Belgium stadium!”

    Me: “I would be happy to help… what are you looking for again?”

    Guest: “BELGIUM STADIUM!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, we don’t have a Belgium stadium. Belgium is a country in Europe.”

    Guest: “But I need to find Belgium Stadium! The show is about to start!”

    Me: *dawns on me* “Oh, do you mean Beluga Stadium? Like the big white whales?”

    Guest: “What the heck is a beluga? I want to see Belgiums!”

    Me: *gives up* “Right this way, sir…”

    Let There Be Unhappy Feet

    | San Antonio, TX, USA | Crazy Requests, Pets & Animals

    (I am working at the penguin exhibit during the summer.)

    Guest: “Hey, why are all the lights off?”

    Me: “The penguins are from the Southern Hemisphere, so it’s winter for them. Therefore, we have the lights off for most of the day in order to simulate the dark Antarctic winter environment.”

    Guest: “Well, I don’t think it’s healthy for them to be in the dark so long. You should release them back to the wild and into the light.”

    Me: “Ma’am, like I said, it is dark in Antarctica right now too. If we released them there, they would still be in the dark.”

    Guest: “Whatever… it’s just not healthy! They need to see the light!” *pauses* “You forgot to pay your electric bill, didn’t you?”

    Me: “What? No! Of course we pay our electric bills. All the lights are on in the park! However, in order to keep our penguins happy, we have to keep it dark in the summer.”

    Guest: “Don’t lie! I can’t believe you are keeping these fish in such drab conditions! Next time, pay your electric bill!”

    Me: *speechless*


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