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    Taking Stupidity To New Heights, Part 3

    | Orlando, FL, USA | Family & Kids, Top, Tourists/Travel

    (I work on the ride with the highest height requirement in the park. I am the ‘grouper’—basically I assign the guests to where they sit for the ride, and I am the final say on whether children are tall enough.)

    Me: “Hi buddy, could you come stand on this yellow square for me? Nice and tall like a soldier.”

    (The child is clearly too short.)

    Me: “I’m so sorry, but he is too short to ride.”

    Mother: “Please let him ride! All of his other friends have ridden this.”

    Me: “I’m sorry; he is too short to ride.”

    Mother: “Please, I promise he’s not scared; he won’t cry on the ride.”

    Me: “Ma’am, the height stick doesn’t measure courage; it measures height. Your son is too short; I’m sorry.”

    Mother: “But he wants to go so badly; he’s been asking all day.”

    Me: “Ma’am, your son could come flying out because he’s too short.”

    Mother: “OH MY GOD, REALLY?!”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. The height requirement is a safety issue. That’s why we take it so seriously.”

    Mother: “Oh, I just thought you were mean!”

    Related:
    Taking Stupidity To New Heights, Part 2
    Taking Stupidity To New Heights

    No Upside-Down But My Head Is Still Spinning

    | Orlando, FL, USA | Tourists/Travel

    (I work at a special effects show, which is experienced in the form of a walking tour. Our park maps don’t even begin to explain this, and our attraction isn’t a staple of the park, so most people have no idea what we are.)

    Guest #1: “What is this?”

    Me: “We’re a special effects show, experienced in the form of a walking, guided tour.”

    Guest #1: “But what is it?”

    Me: “It’s a show, like a stage show, only you’re walking through different rooms and it’s happening around you.”

    Guest #1: “So, what is it?”

    Me: “It’s… it’s a show. You’re walking through the building here, and each room is a different scene you experience. Your tour guide is performing around you.”

    Guest #1’s Husband: *approaching* “What’s this?”

    Guest #1: “I don’t know!”

    (Another guest approaches.)

    Guest #2: “Is this a roller coaster?”

    Me: “I’m afraid not. We’re a special effects show, only you walk through in the form of a tour.”

    Guest #2: “Oh, walking? So does it go upside-down?”

    Me: “…no. It’s all walking.”

    Guest #2: “So what’s that?”

    (The guest points to a nearby themed restaurant, which looks like a mountain on the outside.)

    Me: “That’s a restaurant.”

    Guest #2: “Does it go upside-down?”

    Me: “…No.”

    It’s A Strange World After All

    | Orlando, FL, USA | History, Tourists/Travel

    (I work at Walt Disney World.)

    Me: “Hello, sir, how can I help you?”

    Guest: “Yeah, is Walt Disney going to be in the afternoon parade?”

    (After a short silence, I realize he’s not kidding.)

    Me: “Sir, I’m sorry but… Walt Disney died in 1966.”

    Guest: “What!? Then is his brother in the parade?”

    Me: “No, sir, his brother is dead, too.”

    Guest: “Then one of his sons?”

    Me: “Walt didn’t have any sons, sir.”

    Guest: “Well then, who’s head of the company?”

    Me: “Bob Iger, sir.”

    Guest: “…then why isn’t it called Bob Iger World?”

    Desperately Needs Change In His Life

    | USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Money

    (I work at an amusement park. They are very strict about the money, and I am the head cashier. It’s about 100 degrees out, and there’s a long line of about 100 people waiting to place an order. A customer rudely cuts everyone in line, and starts talking to me.)

    Rude Customer: “Hey bud, can you give me four quarters for a dollar?”

    Customer In Line: “Hey, I was in line!”

    Rude Customer: “Relax, I’ll only be a second.”

    (The customer ignores the rest of the customers complaints.)

    Me: “No, sir. I’m sorry; we’re not allowed to open the register.”

    Rude Customer: “Aw, come on man! I just need four quarters.”

    Me: “Well, if you want change, you can go to the customer service desk at the front of the park.”

    Rude Customer: “Are you f****** serious!? It’s 100 f****** degrees outside; I am not going to the other side of the d*** park, you a**-wipe!”

    Customer In Line: “Dude, no need to be a jack-a**. Plus, you cut in line anyways.”

    Rude Customer: “Mind your own business you old lady. Dude, seriously, give me my f****** change for a dollar!”

    (My manager overhears.)

    Manager: “What seems to be the problem here?”

    Rude Customer: “I need change for this f****** dollar, and your stupid-a** cashier won’t do it.”

    Manager: “I’m sorry, sir. We’re not allowed to make change for a dollar. You need to go to the front of the park and go to customer service. They’ll do i—”

    Rude Customer: “I was already f****** told that! And I already said, I am not walking all the f****** way over there!”

    Customer In Line #2: “Dude, shut the f*** up already! We’re waiting in line for food, and clearly you’re not getting your change!”

    Rude Customer: “Mind your own d*** business! I need it ’cause my girlfriend is on her f****** period!”

    Customer In Line #3: “Here’s a stupid quarter you a**-wipe!”

    (Customer In Line #3 proceeds to throw quarters at the customer who cut in line. The customer then proceeds to pick up the quarters. My manager bends over the counter and looks down at the man.)

    Manager: “You have 10 minutes to get your girlfriend her tampon, and out of my park, before I call security!”

    (The customers in line start clapping as he runs away, with no girlfriend in sight!)

    Say Adios To Racism

    | Orlando, FL, USA | Bigotry, Family & Kids, Top, Tourists/Travel

    (I work in the guest services department of a major theme park. A Hispanic twenty-something mother and her young son approach the desk.)

    Me: “Yes, ma’am, how can I help you?”

    Mother: “Hello, I… no find… boy… hat.”

    Me: “Pardon?”

    Mother: “I no… look…”

    (I switch to Spanish, which I can speak fairly well after four years studying it in high school.)

    Me: *in Spanish* “Do you speak Spanish?”

    Mother: “Oh, yes! Thank you so much! While my son and I were riding the roller coaster, he lost his hat and we came to see if you could send anyone to find it.”

    Me: “I’m afraid we can’t send anyone to look under the roller coaster until after the park closes, but we can give you a gift certificate to buy a new hat for him at the shop.”

    Mother: “That would be excellent! Thank you!”

    (A burly-looking man, who is waiting for a park representative in the seating area, stands up and shouts at me.)

    Man: “Hey! What the h*** do you think you’re doin’, boy?!”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Man: “You talkin’ that [racial slur] language? The h***’s wrong with you? You just encouragin’ them—” *points at the mother and son* “—to come over here like they own this country!”

    Me: “Well, sir, I speak English and Spanish. This lady seemed to be having trouble with her English, so I thought I’d try Spanish.”

    (He walks over to the counter, and puts his face right in mine.)

    Man: “That’s a bunch of bull-s***! They came to our country, so they gotta learn to talk our language! You just gonna let them win by speakin’ their language?!”

    Me: “Uh… win what?”

    Man: “Man, it’s because of f****** like you that they think they can just come in here and tell us what to do!”

    (He gives the woman a dirty look, and she becomes very frightened. I push the silent security alert button under the counter. Suddenly the little boy moves, and stands in front of his mother.)

    Son: “Quit bein’ mean to my mama, poop head!”

    Man: “You gonna make me, you little [racial slur]?”

    Son:They will!”

    (He points out the glass door, as two security officers approach.)

    Security Guard #1: “I’m going to have to ask you to come with us, sir.”

    Man: “For what?! Defending America?!”

    Security Guard #2: “For threatening our other guests. If you don’t come peacefully, we will restrain you.”

    (The man grits his teeth, and seems to be considering fighting the guards, but after a moment he gives up and goes with them.)

    Me: “Adios!”

    Man: “F*** you, f**!”

    (I turn to the mother and son, and start speaking to them in Spanish again.)

    Me: “I’m sorry about that man, ma’am. He won’t bother you again.”

    Mother: “Thank you! I thought he was going to hit me.”

    Son: “I won’t let him hurt you, mama!”

    Me: “Young man, since you were so brave, I’m going to give you an extra gift certificate, so you can get a cartoon character doll, too.”

    Son: “Wow! You’re so nice, mister!”


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