While in college, a classmate of mine was hired as a performer at a theme park. It went right to his head, and within a few days, he was referring to himself as a “professional artist” and his friends as “adoring fans”. At first, I thought it was a joke, but after he offered to sign autographs unprompted, I realized he was serious.

Professional Artist: “You would not believe the schedule [Park] has for us. We rehearse eight to ten hours a day. I barely have enough time to do anything else. I may have to drop out of school!”

Friend #1: “How can they expect you to do that? Don’t people have lives?”

Professional Artist: “The amount of [various drugs] it takes to keep us going that long is crazy. They test us now and then, but we usually get a heads-up from the security detail. I actually had to bleach and re-dye my hair because they do strand tests for some of them. You can’t just pee in a cup anymore like you’re applying at [Retail Chain] or whatever! We have standards!”

Friend #2: “So, you guys are all friends outside of work? I can’t imagine wanting to get high with my coworkers.”

Professional Artist: “Well, [Park] puts everyone in these apartments nearby, and we all carpool. We just take turns hosting.”

Me: “I don’t know that talking about this is a good idea. Maybe—”

Professional Artist: “It’s fine, [My Name]. Don’t be a wet blanket. [Park] performers are elite; they’re basically nothing without us.”

Me: “Well, there are the roller coasters, the carousel, the games, the ride explaining how chocolate is made, the candy-themed everything, the—”

Professional Artist: *With a fake laugh* “Okay, [My Name], if you think any of that would exist without the performances, good for you. The crowds come for us.”

Me: “Well. My dad runs the security detail that drug tests you, so I can ask him.”

Professional Artist: “What?”

Me: “Yeah. My family lives about halfway between here and there. “

[Professional Artist] turned pale and excused himself to “make a phone call”. He later came to me and begged me not to tell anyone about what he claimed the artists were doing.

I had lied; my dad doesn’t work in that town. But it was fun to see the color drain from his face and be extra nice to me for the rest of the semester.

I am working in a large theme park, and a customer approaches me looking a little lost. This is a while ago before we had smartphones and mobile maps.

Guest: “Can you help me find [ride]? I’m having trouble using your map.”

Me: “Oh, that’s in our pirate section. It’s just that way in a straight line; you can’t miss it.”

Guest: “And what about [Pirate-Themed Restaurant]?”

Me: “Oh, that’s actually connected to the same ride, so if you head to the ride, you’ll get to the restaurant, too.”

Guest: “You really should make this clearer on the map!”

Me: “Would you like me to mark down where you are right now on the map, and then mark the ride?”

Guest: “Yes.”

I do so.

Guest: “Why did you put three crosses on the map?”

Me: “One for where we are, one for the ride, and one for the restaurant.”

Guest: “Are you trying to convert me? Trying to get me to worship Jesus with all these crosses?”

Me: *Thinking fast* “Uh… no, sir. Since you’re going to our pirate-themed part of the park, I made it look like a pirate’s treasure map! X marks the spot!”

Guest: “Oh… that’s fun!”

Phew!

Guest: “I watch way too much late-night cable to be Christian anyway.”

He winked at me, and I made a quick exit. What a thing to say in a family-friendly theme park!

Guest: “Your dinosaur safari is a scam! They were all robots!”

Me: “Well, yes, sir. They did spend a lot of time and effort to make them look and move as realistically as possible, though!”

Guest: “You shouldn’t advertise it as a safari unless it has real animals!”

Me: “So… you’d like real dinosaurs?”

Guest: “Yes! Make sure you pass my complaint up to management!” 

Me: “Oh, don’t worry, sir. I absolutely will…”

I am working at a small ice cream stand in a theme park. It’s a very hot day, so I am getting a lot of customers.

Customers: “I’d like three cups of [flavors], and we’d like those to go.”

Me: “All the ice cream is to-go. It comes in either cups or cones.”

Customer: “No, I mean we want to eat it later.”

Me: *Confused* “So, you want to order it now and come back later?”

Customer: “No, you stupid girl! We want to take our ice creams now, but to go! To… go! We want to eat them later.”

Me: “You could do that if you wanted, but the ice creams will melt very quickly; it’s a hot day today!”

Customer: “Duh! Obviously! This is why want them to go, but we don’t want them to melt.”

Me: “We don’t offer any cold bags as this is just an ice cream stand.”

Customer: “I want to take the ice cream now, but I don’t want to eat it until later, and I don’t want it to melt.”

Me: “Okay, sir, I think you’ve seriously misunderstood what we mean by ‘The Magic Kingdom‘…”

Related:
Thermodynamics, You Take It From Here, Part 18
Thermodynamics, You Take It From Here, Part 17
Thermodynamics, You Take It From Here, Part 16
Thermodynamics, You Take It From Here, Part 15
Thermodynamics, You Take It From Here, Part 14

I worked for a fairly popular amusement park. The restaurant I worked in served personal pizzas, as well as Mediterranean salads, carved turkey sandwiches, club wraps, and a variety of sides and desserts, including side salads.

A man came up and I greeted him with a smile. He nodded and then read the sign above the counter with the menu and prices. He looked at the frost top — specifically, the salads lined up on it — looked at me, looked back at the frost top, looked back at me, looked back at the frost top, looked up at me, pointed DIRECTLY to the salads, and spoke.

Guest: “Do you sell salads?”

It took every ounce of willpower I had not to reply with, “No, sir, those are small ornamental shrubbery!”