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    Tonight At 11: Mom Coats Baby In Semigloss

    | Maryland, USA |

    (Two women walk up with their little babies, still young enough to be carried around wrapped in blankets.)

    Lady 1: “How much is face painting for the kids?”

    Me: “Three dollars, ma’am.”

    Lady #1: “Could you charge us less ‘cuz our kids are small?”

    Me: *looking for her kids, thinking she can’t possibly be referring to the babies* “How small are they?”

    Lady #1: “They’re babies!”

    Me: *eyes popping out* “Excuse me?”

    Lady #2: “We’re HOLDIN’ ‘EM! They’re babies!”

    Me: “Um, ma’am, I don’t think I can paint on your infants.”

    Lady# 2: “Well why NOT?”

    Me: “Because this is heavy professional paint. It says right on the label, ‘Not for use for children under three years.’ It’ll irritate their skin.”

    Lady #1: “So you won’t paint our babies?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. I can’t do that. It’s not safe.”

    Lady #1: “There ain’t no sign that says you won’t!”

    Me: “I should think that kinda goes without saying…”

    Lady #1: “So this means we waited in that line for NOTHING?”

    Lady #2: “Y’all should put up a sign or something that says you won’t face paint on babies, ‘cuz I thought that was y’alls job.”

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am. I’ve been doing this for years and nobody’s ever tried to have an infant painted before so I never thought I’d have to mention it. It’s dangerous.”

    Lady #1: “Well that just ain’t fair! Damn, if I knew you wouldn’t do it, I wouldn’t've waited in that line!”

    Lady #2: “Y’all need to put up a sign or something! I thought this was for the KIDS–aren’t babies kids?”

    Me: “I’ve already explained–it’s dangerous. I won’t do it, and neither will any of my coworkers.”

    Lady #2: *as they’re both walking away* “That just ain’t fair. They should have a sign.”

    Me: “Have a nice afternoon, ladies!”

    (I found out later that, after I left, the women came back twice to different painters trying to get someone to face-paint on their infants. Both times, they were told the same thing.)

    The Bare Truth

    | Doswell, VA, USA |

    (I worked the front security gate at a local amusement park during the summer. It has a water park inside, so people come through in bathing suits, and sometimes less. A guest walks through the metal detector and it flashes red.)

    Me: “Do you have anything metallic on you sir? Like maybe your car keys, a watch? Something like that?”

    Guest: “No, I didn’t drive here, my friend did.” *points to his friend and walks back through the gate*

    Me: “Surprise, it flashed red again. Are you sure you don’t have anything metallic on you?”

    Guest: “NO! I told you I didn’t drive here!”

    (He began to take off his shorts and shirt before I could say anything; he had nothing but a speedo on underneath.)

    Me: “Umm, what’s that?”

    (He drops the speedos in front of the crowd.)

    Guest: “Those are my keys, I put them in my bathing suit so I wouldn’t lose them on the rides.”

    Me: “Please pull your pants back up, and those do count as something metallic, just so you know for next time.”

    (He walks into the park with his friends, and now I have a line of guests who all assume I will make them strip…awesome.)

    Send In The Clowns

    | New York, USA | Top

    (Almost thirty kids are lined up at the velcro wall waiting to ride. We have about five minutes until out troupe leaves.)

    Some Mother: “I want my son to ride this ride.”

    Me: “Ma’am I don’t think there’s enough time for all these kids to–”

    Some Mother: “I don’t care if he’s the last one. I want him to ride this ride.”

    Me: “This ride is going to shut down in about five minutes. There isn’t enough time for–”

    Some Mother: “He can be the last in line then.”

    Me: “He can wait in line but probably won’t be able to–”

    Some Mother: “Fine.”

    (Mother walks away and returns some time after the ride is shut down and all kids are turned away.)

    Some Mother: “Hey! HEY! I thought we agreed that my child would get on the ride.”

    Me: “That’s not what we agreed to.”

    Some Mother: “Well, put the ride back up so he can ride it.”

    Me: “I’m sorry but we can’t do all that for one child.”

    Some Mother: “Why not?! Your just being f**king stubborn.”

    Me: “If you have any complaints you can speak to the clown over there. Have a nice day.”

    Some Mother: “I don’t want to talk to any d**n clown.”

    Me: “That clown is my boss.”

    Nowhere To Hide

    | New England, USA |

    Man: “Oh miss! I notice your shirt says the “*** Steam Train”. You work there?”

    Me: “…yes?”

    Man: “So there are, like… trains?”

    Me: “Of course…”

    Man: “So why are you at “Stop and Shop”? Shouldn’t you be doing your job? There are no trains here!”

    Me: “Sir, it’s called a lunch break.”

    Man: “Oh…” *radiates a healthy scarlet color*

    Ah, The Magic of Pavlov

    | USA |

    (We have a clock at the wild animal park that chimes every 15 minutes. A guest walked up to my ticket booth and asked me a question…)

    Guest: “What do those chimes mean?”

    Me: “Those tell us what time it is.”

    Guest: “Oh. Does that mean we have to leave the park?”

    Me: (I’m trying really hard not to laugh) “No. It’s only noon and the park closes at 8pm.”


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