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    The Bare Truth

    | Doswell, VA, USA |

    (I worked the front security gate at a local amusement park during the summer. It has a water park inside, so people come through in bathing suits, and sometimes less. A guest walks through the metal detector and it flashes red.)

    Me: “Do you have anything metallic on you sir? Like maybe your car keys, a watch? Something like that?”

    Guest: “No, I didn’t drive here, my friend did.” *points to his friend and walks back through the gate*

    Me: “Surprise, it flashed red again. Are you sure you don’t have anything metallic on you?”

    Guest: “NO! I told you I didn’t drive here!”

    (He began to take off his shorts and shirt before I could say anything; he had nothing but a speedo on underneath.)

    Me: “Umm, what’s that?”

    (He drops the speedos in front of the crowd.)

    Guest: “Those are my keys, I put them in my bathing suit so I wouldn’t lose them on the rides.”

    Me: “Please pull your pants back up, and those do count as something metallic, just so you know for next time.”

    (He walks into the park with his friends, and now I have a line of guests who all assume I will make them strip…awesome.)

    Send In The Clowns

    | New York, USA | Top

    (Almost thirty kids are lined up at the velcro wall waiting to ride. We have about five minutes until out troupe leaves.)

    Some Mother: “I want my son to ride this ride.”

    Me: “Ma’am I don’t think there’s enough time for all these kids to–”

    Some Mother: “I don’t care if he’s the last one. I want him to ride this ride.”

    Me: “This ride is going to shut down in about five minutes. There isn’t enough time for–”

    Some Mother: “He can be the last in line then.”

    Me: “He can wait in line but probably won’t be able to–”

    Some Mother: “Fine.”

    (Mother walks away and returns some time after the ride is shut down and all kids are turned away.)

    Some Mother: “Hey! HEY! I thought we agreed that my child would get on the ride.”

    Me: “That’s not what we agreed to.”

    Some Mother: “Well, put the ride back up so he can ride it.”

    Me: “I’m sorry but we can’t do all that for one child.”

    Some Mother: “Why not?! Your just being f**king stubborn.”

    Me: “If you have any complaints you can speak to the clown over there. Have a nice day.”

    Some Mother: “I don’t want to talk to any d**n clown.”

    Me: “That clown is my boss.”

    Nowhere To Hide

    | New England, USA |

    Man: “Oh miss! I notice your shirt says the “*** Steam Train”. You work there?”

    Me: “…yes?”

    Man: “So there are, like… trains?”

    Me: “Of course…”

    Man: “So why are you at “Stop and Shop”? Shouldn’t you be doing your job? There are no trains here!”

    Me: “Sir, it’s called a lunch break.”

    Man: “Oh…” *radiates a healthy scarlet color*

    Ah, The Magic of Pavlov

    | USA |

    (We have a clock at the wild animal park that chimes every 15 minutes. A guest walked up to my ticket booth and asked me a question…)

    Guest: “What do those chimes mean?”

    Me: “Those tell us what time it is.”

    Guest: “Oh. Does that mean we have to leave the park?”

    Me: (I’m trying really hard not to laugh) “No. It’s only noon and the park closes at 8pm.”

    Californication

    | Lagoon, UT, USA |

    Me: “Hello, what can I get for you?”

    Customer: “Yes, but I don’t want to buy anything. I would just like to know if there are any restaurants here. ”

    Me: “Yes, this is one. There are more elsewhere in the park. ”

    Customer: “I mean, like a sit down restaurant.”

    Me: “We have chairs and tables outside, and more to my left past the grill.”

    Customer: “I mean where you come to me and ask ‘em what I want so that I don’t have to get up. You know, a restaurant.”

    Me: “I don’t know of any off the top of my head, but you can go ahead and ask other people that work here.”

    Customer: “I’ll do that…”

    (She walks off and I continue on helping people. 20 minutes later, she comes back)

    Customer: “I couldn’t find any, are you sure there aren’t any?”

    Me: “Pardon me, but this isn’t a huge super expensive theme park like Disney World or Disneyland. Are you from California by chance?”

    Customer: “Yes, how did you know?”

    Me: “I guessed.”


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