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    I Never Met A Simile I Didn’t Like

    | Gothenburg, Sweden |

    (I work at an amusement park. On this day I’m overseeing Skee-Ball, where you roll balls up a ramp to make them hit 4″ wide holes on the wall.)

    Customer: “How does this game work?”

    Me: “Well, it’s kinda like bowling, but without the pins.”

    Customer: “But a bowling ball doesn’t fit in those holes!”

    Me: “No…”

    Natural Born Politician

    | Lincoln, NH, USA |

    (Overheard from a school group at a theme park.)

    Student: “God, these stupid lines are so long!”

    Teacher: “If you don’t have anything positive to say, don’t say anything at all.”

    Student: “I mean… these great lines are just long enough that we miss everything!”

    The Matrix Rejected

    | Florida, USA |

    (I used to work in a shop selling overpriced family coat of arms in a shop at a certain theme park in Florida. After a transaction had gone through, this customer turns to her daughter.)

    Customer: “Was that lucky?”

    Oracle Child: *stares blankly*

    Customer: “Was it unlucky to buy it using that card?”

    Oracle Child: “Yes…”

    Customer: “You sure it was unlucky?”

    Oracle Child: “Yes.”

    Customer: “I have to cancel that purchase and use a different card.”

    Coworker: “It’s already gone through.”

    Customer: “This is [theme park]!”

    (My coworker has to oblige the customer and hands her the forms to cancel it. Stupidly, she refuses to sign the forms and storms out with her husband and Oracle Child in tow.)

    And On The 40th Day, The Customers Complained

    | Orlando, FL, USA |

    (It was raining one day and didn’t look like it would be stopping any time soon.)

    Guest: “Hi, could you tell me when it’s going to stop raining?”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m not sure.”

    Guest: “Well, why not? I came here to enjoy the park, and my family can’t do that when its pouring rain! When will it stop so we know when to come back?”

    Me: “Hold on a sec…”

    (I pick up the phone.)

    Me: “Hi, GOD? Ya, its me, how you doing? Ya, ya…I’m good as you can see. Well you see this woman standing next to me? She’s wondering when you’re gonna stop the rain so she can enjoy the park…Oh, okay. I’ll let her know! Have a magical day!”

    (The woman storms off to another cast member and demands to see my manager. I got fired, but it was TOTALLY worth it!)

    Tonight At 11: Mom Coats Baby In Semigloss

    | Maryland, USA |

    (Two women walk up with their little babies, still young enough to be carried around wrapped in blankets.)

    Lady 1: “How much is face painting for the kids?”

    Me: “Three dollars, ma’am.”

    Lady #1: “Could you charge us less ‘cuz our kids are small?”

    Me: *looking for her kids, thinking she can’t possibly be referring to the babies* “How small are they?”

    Lady #1: “They’re babies!”

    Me: *eyes popping out* “Excuse me?”

    Lady #2: “We’re HOLDIN’ ‘EM! They’re babies!”

    Me: “Um, ma’am, I don’t think I can paint on your infants.”

    Lady# 2: “Well why NOT?”

    Me: “Because this is heavy professional paint. It says right on the label, ‘Not for use for children under three years.’ It’ll irritate their skin.”

    Lady #1: “So you won’t paint our babies?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. I can’t do that. It’s not safe.”

    Lady #1: “There ain’t no sign that says you won’t!”

    Me: “I should think that kinda goes without saying…”

    Lady #1: “So this means we waited in that line for NOTHING?”

    Lady #2: “Y’all should put up a sign or something that says you won’t face paint on babies, ‘cuz I thought that was y’alls job.”

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am. I’ve been doing this for years and nobody’s ever tried to have an infant painted before so I never thought I’d have to mention it. It’s dangerous.”

    Lady #1: “Well that just ain’t fair! Damn, if I knew you wouldn’t do it, I wouldn’t've waited in that line!”

    Lady #2: “Y’all need to put up a sign or something! I thought this was for the KIDS–aren’t babies kids?”

    Me: “I’ve already explained–it’s dangerous. I won’t do it, and neither will any of my coworkers.”

    Lady #2: *as they’re both walking away* “That just ain’t fair. They should have a sign.”

    Me: “Have a nice afternoon, ladies!”

    (I found out later that, after I left, the women came back twice to different painters trying to get someone to face-paint on their infants. Both times, they were told the same thing.)


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