November Theme Of The Month: Black Friday!


| CA, USA | Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Health & Body

(I am working the register at a sandwich shop at a theme park. A customer walks in with her mother.)

Me: “Hello, what can I get for you today?”

Customer: “Do y’all have turkey sandwiches?”

Me: “Yes, we do. It comes with your choice of chips, salad, or fruit.”

Customer: “Salad. I am on a diet so I can’t have any fat. By the way is your bread on the turkey sandwich fat free?”

Me: “Yes, I believe so. I can go ask our chef if you would like.”

Customer: “No, it’s okay. I think you are right. Is your turkey fat free?”

Me: “Yes, our turkey is lean, cooked and sliced right here.”

Customer: “Oh, that sounds good. Also are your tomatoes fat free?”

(At this point, the coworkers around me and this woman’s mother are stifling laughs.)

Me: “Yes… they are definitely fat free.”

Customer: *to her mother* “See, ma, I am doing this diet thing right.”

Me: “Might I mention that we have a mustard sauce on our sandwich that is not fat free, and includes mayo. Would you like me to get you one without it?”

Customer: “No. How can you eat a sandwich without mayo?”

The Biggest Space Is Between Their Ears

| Orlando, FL, USA | Bizarre, Tourists/Travel

(I work at a certain mountain based sci-fi rollercoaster in a magical themed park run by a mouse. Every night at 10 pm, we have a fireworks show. One night, I am standing at greeter position. Five minutes before the fireworks show; I am approached by a guest.)

Me: “Hello, ma’am, how could I be of assistance?”

Guest: “Yeah, could you tell me what’s in here?” *pointing at the building containing the rollercoaster*

Me: “Oh, yes, that’s [Space-themed Roller Coaster Mountain]. It’s an indoor rollercoaster. The wait time is currently—”

Guest: “Wait, so, it’s not for the fireworks?”

Me: “Afraid not. The fireworks will be visible from out here, though, if you wanted to see them.”

Guest: “I really thought there was some special viewing area up there for the fireworks.”

Me: *looking at the giant concrete structure with no platforms, windows, or balconies* “Unfortunately not, friend. In fact once inside you’ll be completely unable to see the fireworks, seeing as the whole thing is indoors.”

Guest: “Oh. Wait why are there people going in then?”

Me: “Well, they’re going in to ride the rollercoaster.”

Guest: “But the fireworks are about to start.”

Me: “They won’t be watching the fireworks.”

Guest: “But why? They start in five minutes!”

Me: “I guess they don’t want to see them then.”

Guest: *after a long pause* “Well, that’s really stupid, then.”

(Without any hesitation, the guest then proceeded to get in line for the ride, and walked into the building.)

Didn’t Do Their Homework

| Orlando, FL, USA | Family & Kids, Liars & Scammers

(This particular theme park allows free admittance for children under two. We get parents coming up to the entrance all the time saying their three-year-old is two. A guest strolls up to me with their obviously 11-year-old son.)

Me: “Hello there, how are you today?”

Guest: *doesn’t answer and proceeds to present only his ticket media*

Me: “And does the child have a ticket?”

Guest: “No, he’s only two.”

Me: *to guest* “Sir, he is clearly not two years old.”

Guest: “Oh, yeah? Go ahead and ask him!

Me: “You mean I have permission to ask your son how old he is?”

Guest: *with a smart-alecky attitude* “Yes, go ahead. See what he tells you.”

Me: *smiles to child guest* “Son, do you like getting homework?”

Child Guest: “No, I hate homework.”

Me: *to adult guest* “Sir, two-year-old children don’t get homework. He needs a ticket and there is the ticket purchasing counter over there.”

Losing Him In Multiple Translations

, | Houston, TX, USA | Language & Words, Liars & Scammers

(I am an entrance photographer at a theme park.)

Me: “Hello, folks. Welcome to [Theme Park]. I need you to please stop for two quick pictures.”

Adult Male Park Attendee: *in obvious Texan Drawl and slightly bad Spanish* “No hablos English.” *yes, he said English, not Ingles*

(Trying to do my job, be polite, and not jump to conclusions I switch to Spanish, which, while I’m not a native speaker, I’m relatively fluent in, and have practiced specifically for Spanish speaking park attendees so they’re not left out of the full experience.)

Me: “No hay problema, señor. Necesito que dejes de para dos fotos rápidas, por favor.”

Adult Male Park Attendee: *still in obvious Texan Drawl and now broken French* “Polly View Frances?”

(Again, he said view, not vue, and while I could do the entire spiel in French, thanks to learning it from my Louisianan coworker, just in case, I’m certain at this point the guy is bluffing, plus he doesn’t actually ask me to say it in French, so…)

Me: “Oui, monsieur.”

(Got to give the guy credit for persistence, because he takes one more shot to avoid the inconvenience of having his photo taken.)

Adult Male Park Attendee: *not even really trying to speak in the language* “German?”

(Yup, he says German, not ‘Deustche.’ At this point, I’m bluffing his bluff. I never learned the spiel in German, but I do know enough to say…)

Me: “Ja, mein herr.”

Adult Male Park Attendee: “Ah, dang nabbit, just take our god-d*** pictures.”

(The family poses and everyone smiles except him. I smile and hand the man the slip with his roll number and finish my duty with them with a cheerful final comment.)

Me: “Your pictures will be ready any time after four pm. Thank you for your time and consideration. Hope you all enjoy this wonderful day.”

(Epilogue: The guy’s wife and kids dragged him to check out the pictures. They bought several framed, a few key chains, and both mini viewers… totaling enough for me to get $40 of commission off just them… They were my only sales that day!)

Music Went From Lucky To Sucky

| GA, USA | Family & Kids, Musical Mayhem, Tourists/Travel

(I DJ at a theme park that has a built in water park. I am happily jamming to ‘Get Lucky’ by Daft Punk by the wave pool when a guest approaches my DJ booth.)

Customer: “Excuse me, ma’am, who makes the play list for the water park?”

Me: “I do, sir, but all the songs on my laptop have been pre-approved by upper management.”

Guest: “Well I have my eight-year-old with me, and she is asking what ‘get lucky’ means. What do you expect me to tell her?!”

Me: “I’m not sure, sir. I am very sorry my music selection has offended you. I didn’t mean any harm.”

Guest: *harumph* “I am taking this to upper management!”

(The man proceeds to tell my supervisor, who talks him out of taking his complaint any further by promising the song will be deleted and no longer played.)

Supervisor: *to me* “Meh, I like that song. If he was smart he would have just told his kid the song meant winning the lottery or something.”

(The rest of the time that particular guest was there, I played super safe things like The Beach Boys. But after that day, I have continued to play that song regularly.)

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