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  • Had It Up To Their Neck With Bad Customers
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    Lord Of The Rain Dance

    | United Kingdom |

    Me: “Good afternoon, [theatre], how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, I want to know what’s happening tonight with the show, since it’s going to rain. I have tickets and I want a refund.”

    Me: “Well, the company doesn’t cancel a show until the scheduled start time, so you do have to turn up at the venue to see what we’re doing. We will go ahead in light rain, and we can’t refund if the show goes ahead.”

    Caller: “You’re telling me I have to drive all the way there, when you know it’s going to be canceled?”

    Me: “Well, we don’t decide until that time because we’re not sure what the weather will be like this evening.”

    Caller: “The national weather service says it’s going to rain.”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, the weather’s been a bit unpredictable lately, so–”

    Caller: “That’s not true.”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Caller: “They said it would rain tonight.”

    Me: “Of course, ma’am, but we’re still not sure that at the time of the show–”

    Caller: “You shouldn’t insult people like that. People have studied for years to be able to predict the weather! You shouldn’t just dismiss that!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I didn’t mean to-”

    Caller: “Oh, I’m sure you didn’t, but you really should be more careful how you speak. If they say there’s going to a storm, you should respect that. You should cancel your show.”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. Well unfortunately, that is the visiting company’s policy, so I’m afraid you’ll have to take it up with them.”

    Caller: “I will!” *hangs up*

    (Unfortunately for the caller, we had beautiful summer evening and the show went ahead as planned.)

    The Knights Of Ni Say Boo

    | London, UK |

    (Before a performance of Spamalot, I was watching a young attendant walking up and down the aisle selling spam sandwiches the way other plays would sell ice cream.)

    Sandwich seller: “Spam sandwiches! Anyone care for a spam sandwich? Would anyone like to buy a spam sandwich?”

    Audience member: “What flavour are they?”

    Sandwich seller: “… spam.”

    Oh Customer, Wherefore Art Thou

    | Cheltenham, UK |

    (I was working as an usher on the door, directing people to their seats.)

    Customer’s Daughter: “We’re lost, Mummy.”

    Customer: “I know, how do we get out of here?”

    Me: “Can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, we’re lost.”

    Me: “Lost?”

    Customer: “Yes, we can’t find our seats.”

    Me: “You’re in C12 & 13. That’s the back row, the two seats in the middle.”

    Customer: “Oooooh, okay…”

    (I watch as she looks for her seat. She stares right at it… then looks over the edge, up to the balcony, and even at the chandelier! She finally settles down in the nook seats at the side that have zero visibility. I worry about our audiences sometimes.)

    Keeping Up Appearances

    | New York, NY, USA |

    (I was working a children’s show at this theatre and this woman was helping a child with special needs. I was closing the theatre when she came running up to me.)

    Woman: “I think I left my phone inside the theatre. Can I just go check?”

    (I let her inside and we begin looking where she had been sitting; neither of us could find it. At this point she was on her knees sitting up, digging through her pockets.)

    Woman: “Where the hell could it have…”

    (She freezes and pulls her phone out of her pocket, which she then looks at and THROWS IT UNDER A SEAT. She then bends over and grabs it.)

    Woman: “I found it! Thank you so much.”

    Me: *stifling laughter* “You’re welcome.”


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