(I am giving a tour of the opera house to a group of 5th graders. We are backstage and we pass a large service elevator, generally used to transport grand pianos, costume racks, etc.)

Me: “So, guys, who can think of a reason why the opera needs such a big elevator?”

*silence*

Kid in the back: “Because there are REALLY BIG PEOPLE in operas!”

Customer: “Excuse me, can I buy three tickets?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, we’re sold out.”

Customer: “Isn’t this [town] High School?”

Me: “Yes, but this show is sold out.”

Customer: “How many seats are left?”

Me: “None. We’re sold out. There’s another show tomorrow at–

Customer: “Well, next time you should think about being already sold out before you start selling tickets!”

(A customer appears at my elbow and grabs my arm.)

Customer: “You’re wearing too much make-up!”

Me: “I’m not wearing any makeup. I just have chap stick on my lips.”

Customer: “I don’t believe you!”

(Suddenly, the customer scratches her nail down my cheek and checks under it for make-up.)

Customer: “Oh, I guess you’re not. You have lovely skin.” Walks away*

(Her scratch left a huge red mark on my lovely skin that was still clearly visible three days later.)

(A patron approaches me after sitting through a 3 hour classical concert.)

Patron: “Excuse me, when do they start dancing?”

Me: “Um, there is no dancing ma’am.”

Patron: “Isn’t this Riverdance?”

Me: “No, ma’am. This is the New Zealand Symphony orchestra. Riverdance is on at the theatre next door, and finished about an hour ago.”

Patron: “Why didn’t you tell me? I thought this was the warm up act.”

Me: “Hello, how may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I was just wondering what is currently showing at the moment?”

Me: “Well, the current production is Timon of Athens.”

Customer: “Oh? Is that another sequel of The Lion King? Can I book seats for that?”

Me: “It’s a Shakespearean tragedy. It’s not about lions.”

Customer: “Oh, so it’s just about the meerkat?”