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    She’s Also Forgetting Her Manners

    | Boston, MA, USA | Food & Drink

    (The concession stand at our theatre sells a few types of candy, soda, wine, and beer. It’s an upscale live performance theatre so it doesn’t have popcorn or many of the other options that movie theaters have. An elderly woman approaches the stand before the show.)

    Elderly Woman: “I want a hot dog and french fries!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t have hot dogs or french fries. All our snacks are displayed on the bar.”

    Elderly Woman: “You’re lying! I was here last month and you had hot dogs and french fries!”

    (Note: I have worked here for three years. In that time we never had hot dogs or french fries.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but it’s impossible for me to give you a hot dog and french fries. We simply don’t sell them. Would you like a candy instead?”

    Elderly Woman: “NO! I don’t want candy! I want a HOT DOG and FRENCH FRIES! Why don’t you understand me?”

    Me: “I do understand you, ma’am, but the only possible way for me to give you a hot dog and french fries would be to go to my home and make you some, and by that time you would have missed the show.”

    Elderly Woman: “I don’t care! I want a hot dog and french fries and it’s YOUR job to get them to me! If that’s what you have to do, then do it!”

    (At this point a woman in her 50s approaches the elderly woman.)

    Middle-aged Woman: “Mom, did you get what you want?”

    Elderly Woman: “NO! This little b**** won’t give me my hot dog and french fries!”

    Middle-aged Woman: “They don’t sell hot dogs or french fries here.”

    Elderly Woman: “Yes, they do! We were here last month, and they had them!”

    Middle-aged Woman: “We didn’t come here last month. We went to [famous baseball stadium a few blocks away]. THEY had hot dogs and french fries!”

    Sometimes, It’s Best To Put On A Show

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Top

    Caller: “Hello, I would like to buy five tickets to the show on Saturday.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but we’re sold out.”

    Caller: “I know. I called before and heard the message. I also tried to buy tickets online, but it wouldn’t let me. I would like five tickets, please.”

    Me: “We have no tickets available. We are sold out. That is why you couldn’t purchase them online.”

    Caller: “Just because you are sold out doesn’t mean there aren’t more seats. There are always more seats!”

    Me: “We have no more seats. We will have no more seats the night of the show. All of our seats are accounted for. I’m sorry, but we can’t help you at this time.”

    Caller: “That’s bulls***! Give me five tickets. I have my credit card ready.”

    Me: “Ma’am, regards of that fact, I still have no tickets to sell you. None.”

    Caller: “Take my credit card number and give me the seats!”

    Me: “Even if we had seats, I can’t process your card over the phone.”

    Caller: “Well, we’re going to come to the theater on Saturday night and then you will HAVE to let us in!”

    Me: “Please don’t. There will be no tickets, and we will turn you and your friends away. Please save yourself the trip. We would love to be able to accommodate everyone, but we have no more seats to sell. I’m really sorry that we can’t help you out. Let me check and see if there are any other burlesque shows happening that night that I would recommend giving a try.”

    Caller: “Five seats, now!”

    Me: “…Of the zero seats available?”

    Caller: “Let me talk to the manager!”

    Me: “The manager? Ma’am, I’m afraid I’m the only person there is to talk to.”

    Caller: “There is ALWAYS a manager. Just because you don’t want to get in trouble for being a bad customer service person doesn’t mean I won’t keep calling back until I talk to your boss. MANAGER! NOW!”

    (There really isn’t a manager I can put on the phone, so I put her on hold, wait about 30 seconds, and without changing or disguising my voice, continue the conversation.)

    Me: “Hello? How can I help you?”

    Caller: “Your employee is very rude and unhelpful.”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. I will punish her terribly. What can I help you with?”

    Caller: “I want to buy five tickets to the show on Saturday.”

    Me: “An excellent choice! Our holiday show is one of the best Revues to come to. It’s such a shame that we’re completely sold out.”

    Caller: “I want those secret extra tickets that theaters always have. I know you have them!”

    (It’s clear that I’m not getting through to her, so I decide to improvise.)

    Me: *whisper* “You want the extra tickets?”

    Caller: “Yes.”

    Me: “The…secret ones?”

    Caller: “Yes!”

    Me: “I’m afraid I can’t sell those to you.”

    Caller: “Well, why not?!”

    Me: “Somebody already bought them. In fact, they were so desperate to get them, they paid twice as much!”

    (With that explanation, the caller suddenly becomes friendly, as if the rest of the conversation never happened.)

    Caller: “Ooooh! D***, that sucks. Oh, well…thanks!” *hangs up*

    Don’t Mess With The Lez

    | Boston, MA, USA | Bigotry, Top

    (I have a small nose stud. As I’m taking an old man’s tickets, he reaches out and pokes my nose ring.)

    Customer: *in a rude, judgmental tone* “So, what’s this for?”

    Me: “It’s a signal to the other lesbians.”

    Customer: *makes a horrified face and scurries away*

    Eating Disorderly

    | Wiltshire, UK | Bizarre, Movies & TV

    (A customer has just purchased some tickets and they’ve just been given their tickets.)

    Customer: “Oh, before I go…if I eat my ticket, can you replace it?”

    Me: “Uh, eat…your ticket?”

    Customer: “Yes, I eat things, I can’t help myself.”

    Me: “If you eat your ticket, then keep your receipt and we’ll be happy to replace your ticket.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay thanks!”

    (The customer walks away and then pauses and comes back to the ticket desk.)

    Customer: “What if I eat my receipt and my ticket?”

    Me: “Please don’t.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay. Thanks!”

    Mall Brats

    | Netherlands | Family & Kids

    (My theatre group does a play at an amusement park. We often walk around the park in costume to tell visitors about the play. Note that the play was about two "bad guys" who wanted to cut all the trees to build a large shopping mall in the forest.)

    Me: “Did you see those two guys? They want to build a mall here. I don’t know what that is, but it sounds bad!”

    Little Girl: “You really don’t know what a mall is?”

    Me: “No, I just live here in the forest.”

    Little Girl: *with piercing eyes* “Really. I mean in real life.”

    Me: “I really live here!”

    Little Girl: “No, I mean when you’re in your normal clothes.”

    Me: *giving up* “Okay, in real life I know what a mall is.”

    Little Girl: *looks satisfied* “I knew it!”

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