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    Two For Poo With A View

    | St. Louis, MO, USA | Health & Body

    (I work in the box office of a live theater. An elderly woman and her granddaughter approach me.)

    Customer: “I want to see [show] tonight. I need you to find me good tickets!”

    Me: “Unfortunately, for the amount of seats you’re looking for, we only have several aisle seats in the balcony available. You’ll all have aisles but won’t be able to sit next to each other.”

    Customer’s Granddaughter: “Those seats are good! We should snatch them up!”

    Customer: “If they were good seats, they’d have been sold by now!”

    Me: “I’m sorry. If I’m to understand you, any seats that I offer you will be unacceptable because they’re available the day of the show?”

    Customer: “Exactly!”

    Customer’s Granddaughter: *to grandmother* “I smell sewage. Did you just poo?”

    Customer: *with an indignant face* “Possibly…”

    (The customer buys the tickets I offer her, but not before going in circles and stinking up the lobby for several minutes.)

    Right State, Wrong Situation

    | USA | Musical Mayhem

    (I volunteer at a theater where a lot of Broadway national tours come through. The show “Jersey Boys” is at the theater for a few weeks. Also, there is a symphony going on at the other theater in the building. I’m taking tickets for Jersey Boys when an elderly patron approaches me.)

    Me: “Are you here for the symphony or the musical?”

    Patron: “Yeah, uh, Jersey Shore?”

    Me: “Do you mean Jersey Boys?”

    Patron: “Yeah, that one.”

    Monkey See, Monkey Please Don’t Do That Again

    | Roswell, GA, USA | Movies & TV

    (I am working box office when a father and his 13 year old son come up to my window. We are located in the same mall area as our competitors.)

    Me: “Welcome to [theater], sir. How can I help you today?”

    (The father gets a huge grin on his face. He begins to scratch his head and make monkey noises.)

    Me: *speechless*

    Father: “The monkey movie!”

    Son: “Dad, it’s Planet of the Apes!”

    Me: *laughing* “Oh, you want [competition] down the street. We don’t have that here.

    Father: “You mean I have to do my routine again?”

    Son: *embarrassed* “No, dad!”

    Father: “But I practiced it all the way down here!”

    Son: *rolls eyes*

    Seats Are All ‘Bout Location, Location, Location

    | Hollywood, CA, USA | Extra Stupid

    Me: “Thank you for calling Hollywood Bowl audience services. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “I need help finding my seat on the seating map.”

    Me: “Sure, what seats are they?”

    Customer: “Okay, well, these seats are in section E, row Z, seat 114.”

    Me: “Um, section E isn’t set up that way. The rows go in numbers, and the highest seat in that section is seat 47.”

    Customer: “So, I can just go to the box office and they can figure it out from there?”

    Me: “I guess so, but that row and those seats don’t exist at the Hollywood Bowl.”

    Customer: “Well, these are seats for the Santa Barbara Bowl. Is that the same as the Hollywood Bowl?”

    Me: “No. No, it’s not.”

    Customer: “Oh, so where’s the Santa Barbara Bowl?”

    Me: “I would assume in Santa Barbara.”

    Should Be Throne Out

    | Miami, FL, USA | Top

    (The theater has four wheelchair spots in the back for those who cannot get out of their wheelchair. A wheelchair patron comes in. The seat listed on the ticket is for row H in the center. I assume that she is able to transfer out of her chair and guide herself to the row.)

    Me: “Here we are. When you are seated, I will take–”

    Customer: “Why is there a seat there?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “I cannot get out of my wheelchair.”

    Me: “Oh, well in that case, let me show you to the ADA seating area.”

    Customer: “No! I don’t want to sit back there! I won’t be able to see back there!”

    Me: “We can sometimes accommodate wheelchairs to the front–”

    Customer: “No! That is too close. I want to be in the center of the theater! Remove the chair that is there and let me sit in the seat I purchased!”

    Me: “But the seats are attached to the floor permanently. I can’t remove them.”

    Customer: “This is discrimination!”

    (The patron begins yelling obscenities at me. The House Manager comes to intervene.)

    House manager: “Ma’am, I’m sorry. That is the only way to accommodate you.”

    Customer: “This is unacceptable.”

    (The patron begins to wheel herself back up the aisle, finds it difficult, gets up, and pushes the empty chair back into the lobby.)

    Me: “I thought you couldn’t get out of your chair?”

    Customer: “I can, but I don’t want to!”

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