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    The Power Of One

    | Boston, MA, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid

    (I work as front of house staff at a theater with multiple performance spaces. On this night we have three sold out shows in our building and an incredibly high volume of patrons in line for the box office and in line to get their tickets scanned. I am the only person scanning tickets at this point and I have developed a cluster of patrons around me, plus many more behind them. I realize that to proceed efficiently, I need more organization. I address my patron cluster:)

    Me: “It will really help me out if everyone can form one line please!”

    Woman In The Cluster: *as though this never would have occurred to her* “OH! Because you’re only one person!”

    Me: “…exactly.”

    Show Off

    | UK | Crazy Requests, Funny Names

    (I work in a theatre and help a customer with a very long ticket booking. He gazes at me warily through most of it as if expecting I’m going to make a mistake.)

    Me: “Okay then, sir. Here are your tickets. I hope you enjoy the show!”

    Customer: You shouldn’t call it a show you know.”

    Me: “Oh?”

    Customer: “Yes. A show is a vague description that could refer to a performance involving music or dance. I have only booked plays, so you should say ‘enjoy the play.’ Do you understand?”

    Me: “I do… and I hope you enjoy the show.”

    Two For Poo With A View

    | St. Louis, MO, USA | Health & Body

    (I work in the box office of a live theater. An elderly woman and her granddaughter approach me.)

    Customer: “I want to see [show] tonight. I need you to find me good tickets!”

    Me: “Unfortunately, for the amount of seats you’re looking for, we only have several aisle seats in the balcony available. You’ll all have aisles but won’t be able to sit next to each other.”

    Customer’s Granddaughter: “Those seats are good! We should snatch them up!”

    Customer: “If they were good seats, they’d have been sold by now!”

    Me: “I’m sorry. If I’m to understand you, any seats that I offer you will be unacceptable because they’re available the day of the show?”

    Customer: “Exactly!”

    Customer’s Granddaughter: *to grandmother* “I smell sewage. Did you just poo?”

    Customer: *with an indignant face* “Possibly…”

    (The customer buys the tickets I offer her, but not before going in circles and stinking up the lobby for several minutes.)

    Right State, Wrong Situation

    | USA | Musical Mayhem

    (I volunteer at a theater where a lot of Broadway national tours come through. The show “Jersey Boys” is at the theater for a few weeks. Also, there is a symphony going on at the other theater in the building. I’m taking tickets for Jersey Boys when an elderly patron approaches me.)

    Me: “Are you here for the symphony or the musical?”

    Patron: “Yeah, uh, Jersey Shore?”

    Me: “Do you mean Jersey Boys?”

    Patron: “Yeah, that one.”

    Monkey See, Monkey Please Don’t Do That Again

    | Roswell, GA, USA | Movies & TV

    (I am working box office when a father and his 13 year old son come up to my window. We are located in the same mall area as our competitors.)

    Me: “Welcome to [theater], sir. How can I help you today?”

    (The father gets a huge grin on his face. He begins to scratch his head and make monkey noises.)

    Me: *speechless*

    Father: “The monkey movie!”

    Son: “Dad, it’s Planet of the Apes!”

    Me: *laughing* “Oh, you want [competition] down the street. We don’t have that here.

    Father: “You mean I have to do my routine again?”

    Son: *embarrassed* “No, dad!”

    Father: “But I practiced it all the way down here!”

    Son: *rolls eyes*

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