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    Getting Crabby At The Box Office

    | US | Bizarre, Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

    (I work in the box office of a theater company that performs different plays throughout the summer. Occasionally we get calls from people assuming we are a cinema.)

    Me: “Box office. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Uh, yeah, can I place an order with you?”

    Me: “Yes, this is the box office. You can order tickets with us.”

    Customer: “Okay, I’m gonna get five crab cakes, two orders of—”

    Me: “I’m sorry. What was that?”

    Customer: “I want five orders of the crab cakes, and—”

    Me: “I’m sorry. This is the box office of the theater at [Town].”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “The theater at [Town].”

    Customer: “[Town]?”

    Me: “Yes. This is the box office.”

    Customer: “The box office.”

    Me: “Yes.” *silence* “Did you want to order some tickets to a play?”

    Customer: “… Yeah. So, I want five crab cakes and two ord—”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. This isn’t a restaurant. This is the box office of the theater.”

    Customer: “So you don’t have any crab cakes?”

    Me: “I’m afraid not, sir. We only sell tickets to plays.”

    Customer: “Okay, sounds great, thanks.” *hangs up*

    The Power Of One

    | Boston, MA, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid

    (I work as front of house staff at a theater with multiple performance spaces. On this night we have three sold out shows in our building and an incredibly high volume of patrons in line for the box office and in line to get their tickets scanned. I am the only person scanning tickets at this point and I have developed a cluster of patrons around me, plus many more behind them. I realize that to proceed efficiently, I need more organization. I address my patron cluster:)

    Me: “It will really help me out if everyone can form one line please!”

    Woman In The Cluster: *as though this never would have occurred to her* “OH! Because you’re only one person!”

    Me: “…exactly.”

    Show Off

    | UK | Crazy Requests, Funny Names

    (I work in a theatre and help a customer with a very long ticket booking. He gazes at me warily through most of it as if expecting I’m going to make a mistake.)

    Me: “Okay then, sir. Here are your tickets. I hope you enjoy the show!”

    Customer: You shouldn’t call it a show you know.”

    Me: “Oh?”

    Customer: “Yes. A show is a vague description that could refer to a performance involving music or dance. I have only booked plays, so you should say ‘enjoy the play.’ Do you understand?”

    Me: “I do… and I hope you enjoy the show.”

    Two For Poo With A View

    | St. Louis, MO, USA | Health & Body

    (I work in the box office of a live theater. An elderly woman and her granddaughter approach me.)

    Customer: “I want to see [show] tonight. I need you to find me good tickets!”

    Me: “Unfortunately, for the amount of seats you’re looking for, we only have several aisle seats in the balcony available. You’ll all have aisles but won’t be able to sit next to each other.”

    Customer’s Granddaughter: “Those seats are good! We should snatch them up!”

    Customer: “If they were good seats, they’d have been sold by now!”

    Me: “I’m sorry. If I’m to understand you, any seats that I offer you will be unacceptable because they’re available the day of the show?”

    Customer: “Exactly!”

    Customer’s Granddaughter: *to grandmother* “I smell sewage. Did you just poo?”

    Customer: *with an indignant face* “Possibly…”

    (The customer buys the tickets I offer her, but not before going in circles and stinking up the lobby for several minutes.)

    Right State, Wrong Situation

    | USA | Musical Mayhem

    (I volunteer at a theater where a lot of Broadway national tours come through. The show “Jersey Boys” is at the theater for a few weeks. Also, there is a symphony going on at the other theater in the building. I’m taking tickets for Jersey Boys when an elderly patron approaches me.)

    Me: “Are you here for the symphony or the musical?”

    Patron: “Yeah, uh, Jersey Shore?”

    Me: “Do you mean Jersey Boys?”

    Patron: “Yeah, that one.”

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