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    A Sweet Resolution

    | MS, USA | Bizarre

    Me: “Hello. This is [Name].”

    (There is lots of very loud static on the phone, making it difficult for me to hear the person.)

    Caller: “Hello?”

    Me: “Can you hear me?”

    Caller: “Hello?!”

    Me: “Your phone has a lot of static. I’m having trouble hearing you.”



    (The static stops.)

    Caller: “Oh! That’s because I was opening a candy! Thanks for your help!”

    (The caller hung up, and my face met the desk.)

    Social Notworking

    | MO, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (I work on a call floor that supports connections and email for various small ISPs. Often the older customers don’t understand just what our support was limited to.)

    Customer: “I signed up for the WHOLE internet, and you didn’t give it to me!”

    Me: “Where is it that you’re unable to reach online?”

    Customer: “Well, I want to look at this pretty girl’s pictures, but it says I’m not signed up.”

    (It takes me quite a while to ferret out that he’s searched for pretty girls, followed a link to a popular social network, but isn’t a member.)

    Me: “Sir, signing up for social sites is your own responsibility, not the ISP’s.”

    Customer: “That’s outrageous! I paid for the whole thing! I want the whole thing!”

    (Although I’m not supposed to, I go ahead and walk him through the process of signing up for an account. It takes about 20 minutes, and he sighs heavily throughout the whole thing.)

    Me: “Okay! Now you’re all signed up. Go make some friends!”

    Customer: “WHAT?!? THERE’S MORE?! YOU make them be my friends!”

    Clean Out Of Common Sense

    | WY, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (A caller is complaining that there is something wrong with her computer when she tries to access the internet. I run through the usual diagnostics, but nothing seems to help. I have already been put on probation for letting my calls go over seven minutes, and I am eager to get this call completed.)

    Me: “Ma’am, before we proceed, I’m going to need you to defrag your computer and when it’s completed, call us back to finish the procedure.”

    Customer: “What does ‘derag’ mean?”

    Me: It’s a maintenance task that’s basically cleaning up your computer. I can walk you—”

    Customer: “Okay, thanks!” *hangs up*

    (I assume we’ve been disconnected, so I call the customer back to finish the call.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, we seemed to have been cut off—”

    Customer: “Oh don’t worry about it! You’ve been most helpful.”

    Me: “I thought I should call you back and walk you through defragging your hard drive.”

    Customer: “That’s very kind of you, but I already started to…” *giggles* “…defrag my computer!”

    Me: “Okay. In that case, when the computer is finished, call us back and we can see if that did the trick. It should take a few hours at least—”

    Customer: “Oh, it won’t take THAT long. The rinse cycle should be done in a half hour.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “My dishwasher has an efficiency setting. Though I admit, it was difficult getting the computer in there.”

    Me: “You put your computer in the DISHWASHER?”

    Customer: “Well, it was too big to put in the sink.”

    (At this point, I had no idea what to do. I told the customer that I would document the conversation in our logs, and she could call back for further technical support. Then I closed down my station and told my supervisor that I was sick and had to go home. He was doubled over with laughter, having listened to my calls. The call logs made their way around my shift-mates, who hung a ‘Dry Clean Only’ sign on my station. The upside is I was never bothered about my call time again.)

    Some Background Is Required

    | SK, Canada | Family & Kids, Technology

    (I provide in-home servicing of computers. My client has reported that his computer doesn’t turn on. Once on site, I do a quick check to make sure it’s plugged in and the power bar is working.)

    Me: “Okay, I’m thinking it’s the power supply. If it is, the parts and labour is [cost] plus tax. If not, I’ll have to dig a little deeper to see what the problem is.”

    Client: “No problem. Do what you have to do.”

    (I open the computer’s case and see that the wires from the power supply to the motherboard have been cut, likely with scissors or a knife. My client sees it right away as well.)

    Me: “Well, this is new one for me. Any idea what happened here?”

    Client: *clearly angry, but certainly not at me* “No. Will a new power supply still fix it? I have work I need to do on this computer today.”

    Me: “Yes, assuming nothing else is damaged.”

    (I replace the power supply with a new one, and the computer turns on. After booting, my client’s desktop background turns out to be a picture of his son and his best [male] friend having sex.)

    Client: “Well, that explains it.”

    (Turns out, the kid accidentally set the desktop background to the picture in question, and didn’t know how to change it back. In a state of panic he cut the wires, thinking dad would just get a new computer rather than get it fixed!)

    Problem Exists Between Caller And Afterlife

    | USA | Extra Stupid, Liars & Scammers, Technology

    (I have been trying to help a customer solve a common and easily-fixed issue, but he has been arguing at every point, insisting that his computer is broken beyond repair and we owe him a new, free computer. This is despite the fact that he is several years out of his warranty, and I’ve already granted an exception to help him over the phone, because of the simplicity of the issue.)

    Me: “I know this process can sometimes be frustrating, sir, but if you can work with me just a few minutes more, then we’ll have your computer just the way you like it again.”

    Caller: “I don’t have time for this! You people broke my computer, and owe me a new one. I’m not going to jump through all these hoops just to have it break again tomorrow!”

    Me: “Sir, I understand, but—”

    Caller: “This is appalling customer service. You are refusing to grant me a very simple request. [Famous Founder of Company] will be very disappointed that I’m being treated like this!”

    Me: “Um, sir—”

    Caller: “I’m a close friend of his! In fact, we’re having lunch tomorrow—”

    Me: “Sir—”

    Caller: “I’m going to tell him all about this and you’re going to get fired!”

    Me: “Uh…”

    Caller: “Not so smug now, are you?”

    Me: “Sir, I regret to inform you, but [Founder] passed away a little over two years ago now.”

    Caller: “…”

    Me: “There was a film about it.”

    Caller: “…”

    Me: “I understand it’s painful, having to hear about your close friend from me, rather than the family, but I didn’t want you to be waiting for him at your lunch tomorrow.”

    Caller: *click*

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