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  • This Is What Hell Is Like

    | USA | Top

    (I had this conversation recently with a lady who swore she had been using computers since forever.)

    Tech Support: “All right. Now click ‘OK’.”

    Customer: “Click ‘OK’?”

    Tech Support: “Yes, click ‘OK’.”

    Customer: “Click ‘OK’?”

    Tech Support: “That’s right. Click ‘OK’.”

    Customer: “So I click ‘OK’, right?”

    Tech Support: “Right. Click ‘OK’.”


    Customer: “I clicked ‘Cancel’.”

    Tech Support: “YOU CLICKED ‘CANCEL’???”

    Customer: “That’s what I was supposed to do, right?”

    Tech Support: “No, you were supposed to click ‘OK’.”

    Customer: “I thought you said to click ‘Cancel’.”

    Tech Support: “NO. I said to click ‘OK’.”

    Customer: “Oh.”

    Tech Support: “Now we have to start over.”

    Customer: “Why?”

    Tech Support: “Because you clicked ‘Cancel’.”

    Customer: “Wasn’t I supposed to click ‘Cancel’?”

    Tech Support: “No. Forget that. Let’s start from the top.”

    Customer: “Ok.”

    (I spend the next fifteen minutes re-constructing the carefully crafted setup for this lady’s unique computer.)

    Tech Support: “All right. Now, are you ready to click ‘OK’?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Tech Support: “Great. Now click ‘OK’.”


    Customer: “I clicked ‘Cancel’.”

    (And people wonder why my mouse pad has a target on it labeled “BANG HEAD HERE.”)


    You Go On Wit Yo Bad DIY Self!

    | Australia |

    Caller: “Hello, I’d like some help!”

    Me: “Sure sir, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Well, actually I don’t have an account yet. I was wondering if I could talk or send messages to my daughter. She’s in Australia and she has an internet account.”

    Me: “Yes sir, that’s possible!”

    Caller: “What do I need to do that?”

    Me: “You just need a computer and a modem.”

    Caller: “Hey, but just have a FAX machine and a TV! Isn’t that enough?”

    Me: *controlling the urge to burst in laughter* “I’m afraid not, sir. You’ll need a computer for sure.”

    Caller: “YOU KNOW WHAT? You guys don’t wanna help me! I know your types! You just want the fat, rich customers that will buy anything you demand! You know what? You’re not the only ISP in town! Goodbye!” *click*


    Workin’ That Tech Support Magic

    | Austin, TX, USA |

    (A customer calls in to a call center and states that he can’t connect to his internet. After about 20 minutes of trying to get the customer to troubleshoot, none of which he can manage to do, the rep figures the cable is simply disconnected. However, since the customer can’t troubleshoot they come up with a clever way to fix the problem.)

    Rep: “Sir, can you unplug that big phone cord looking cable from the box with blinking lights and your main computer box and hold both ends in your hands for me?”

    Customer: “Yeah, hold on.” *shuffles around* “Well that was easy. Got it.”

    Rep: “Ok, what I need you to do is swing one end of that around above your head as hard as you can. Sometimes bad packets get stuck in the end, making it impossible to connect to the internet.”

    Customer: “Alright! One second.” *whooshing in the background* “… Ok, done, Now what?”

    Rep: “Ok, now plug it back in to the back of the blinking lights box and the main computer box and let me know when you have done that.”

    Customer: “Wow! That really worked! Thanks!” *click*

    No, Your OTHER Left

    | USA | Top

    (The customer was using an older copy of Windows, so I had to ask her a question about what her Explorer window looked like)

    Tech Support: “Up at the top it says File, Edit, and View. What does it say just to the right of View?”

    Customer: “Edit.”

    Tech Support: “No, to the right of View.”

    Customer: “Edit.”

    Tech Support: “Okay, what’s on the other side of View?”

    Customer: “Oh, Tools.”

    Tech Support: “Click your left mouse button.”

    Customer: “Which one is that?”

    Tech Support: “Well, you know your left from your right, so click the button on your left.”

    Customer: “Oh.”

    Tech Support: “What happened?”

    Customer: “Nothing.”

    Tech Support: “You did click the left mouse button?”

    Customer: “I think so.”

    Tech Support: “The one on your left?”

    Customer: “Which one was that again?”


    Shoulda Told Him To Do Jumping Jacks

    | Ontario, Canada | Top

    (I am in IT for large company, with multiple locations all over the Canada. I got a call from a business unit located in another province)

    Customer on the phone: “Hi. My computer is not working.”

    Me: “Okay. What’s your name…”

    (After 5 minutes I got all the info I needed)

    Me: “I‚Äôm sorry, I cannot remotely access your computer. I‚Äôll have to inform your local IT team to come and resolve this problem. It‚Äôs 6am in your location and IT starts at 7am. They will come and fix it in an hour.”

    Customer: “No. This is critical. You come and fix it.”

    Me: “I‚Äôm sorry, you probably do not realize that I‚Äôm located in Ontario and you are in British Columbia. I cannot come and fix it.”

    Customer: “Okay, okay. You’ll come and fix it now?”

    Me: “No, there are thousands of kilometers between us. I cannot come and help you.”

    Customer: “Okay, okay. Production has stopped, so you come and fix it now.”

    (At this point I have big dent in my office wall exactly matching shape of my head)

    Me: “Okay, Sir. I‚Äôm coming to fix it. But I don‚Äôt know you, so to make it easier for me to recognize you please stand in the middle of the production area and raise both your hands so I can find you easily.”

    Customer: “Okay, Okay.”

    (I received no more calls from him–he’s probably still waiting for me with his hands raised over his head)


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