November Theme Of The Month: Black Friday!

He Wants The Internets

, | Calgary, Alberta, Canada | Uncategorized

Me: “Hey, my name is ***, what can I do for you?”

Old Man: “My great-grandson was telling me about this really neat thing on his computer. I would like to buy it.”

Me: “So your nephew has this ‘thing’…what does it do?”

Old Man: “Well, he was showing me videos and we played a few puzzles. I was also able to check my lottery numbers.”

Me: “Oh, the internet…you’re just looking to hook up the internet in your house?”

Old Man: “Yes, I would like to buy the internet.”

Me: “Um, well you don’t purchase the actual internet. It’s kinda like paying your phone bill. You pay them and they give you phone services.”

Old Man: “I know how a telephone works! Would you like to make some commission on this internet sale or should I take my business elsewhere?”

Me: “Sir, I don’t think you understand. You need to call Shaw, Telus, or Rogers and they will come hook up your internet. It’s not a physical thing.”

Old Man: “I am writing to the Better Business Bureau and reporting this incident to your manager. I know what the internet is, WalMart has it! I’m going to take my purchase to them!”

He Wants The Google
She Uses The Google

Fighting Crazy With Crazy

| Texas, USA | Top

(Keep in mind that I’m male with a deep voice. We do not send techs to troubleshoot; troubleshooting has to be done on the phone, then we send a tech to replace parts.)

Me: “Thank you for calling ***. How may I–”

Customer: “Send me a tech to fix my computer.”

Me: “Well, what’s wrong with it?”

Customer: “It’s not working!”

Me: “Well, ok, but in order to get it working again, I would need to know what exactly is wrong.”

Customer: “I just told you it’s not working. Send me a tech to fix it!”

Me: “I’m afraid I can’t do that. I can help you perform some troubleshooting and–”

Customer: “Why the f**k can’t you just send me a tech?”

Me: “Well, like I said, I can’t do that. All I can do is troubleshoot with you on the phone to find out what’s wrong and then–”


Me, fake crying: “Why? Why do you hate me so much? Don’t you know how hard it is for a single mom with 5 kids to make a living?” *sob*

Customer: “???” *hangs up*

(I got written up for that. It was totally worth it though!)

I Said, Zzzzip It

| Phoenix, AZ, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “I’m trying to add an FTP user, and I can’t figure out what to do.”

Me: “Alright, sir. I see that this is on a server for which you declined a support contract. All I can do is to direct you to the help center article that will instruct you how to do this; I can’t add it for you, or walk you through it.”

Customer: “Look, all I’m trying to do is add an FTP user.”

Me: “Sir, when you purchased this server we offered a support contract, which you declined–”

Customer: “I just want to add an FTP user! You should be able to do that for me!”

Me: “–and when you declined the support contract, you had to click on a button to accept full responsibility for managing your server.”

Customer: “This isn’t a server management issue. I’m just trying to add an FTP user.”

Me: “Sir, true or false? You purchased this server from us.”

Customer: “True.”

Me: “You declined the support contract, true or false?”

Customer: “True.”

Me: “And you accepted full responsibility for managing the server, true or false?”

Customer: “True.”

Me: “…so, why are you asking me?”

Customer: “…” *click*

This Little Piggy Went To H*ll

| Colorado Springs, CO, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Can I help you?”

Teacher: “Yes, I’ve forgotten my password and would like you to retrieve it for me.”

(ID Verification stuff…)

Me: “Alright, just a moment. Okay, ma’am. Your password is…”

Teacher, apparently remembering at the last minute: “Oh, no…”

Me: “Piggly…Wiggly…F**ker.”

Teacher: *sheepishly* “Yeah…thank you.”

Me: *bursts out laughing*

A Simple Hello Would Have Sufficed

| Amherst, MA, USA | Uncategorized

(I had just taken the client’s information and asked him what kind of issue he was having.)

Him: “Well, I’ve been having some problems with my emai–”

(I hear the guy pull the phone away from his mouth.)


Someone else in the background: “NO, YOU’RE THE MOTHERF*CKER A**HOLE! YOU SHUT THE F*CK UP!”

(After about ten seconds of silence the guy comes back on the line and continues describing his problem like nothing ever happened.)