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    When Nomenclature Goes Amok

    | USA | Top

    Tech Support: “All right…now double-click on the File Manager icon.”

    Customer: “That’s why I hate this ‘Windows’–because of the icons–I’m a Protestant, and I don’t believe in icons.”

    Tech Support: “Well, that’s just an industry term sir. I don’t believe it was meant to-”

    Customer: “I don’t care about any ‘industry terms’. I don’t believe in icons.”

    Tech Support: “Well…why don’t you click on the ‘little picture’ of a file cabinet…it’s a ‘little picture’, okay?”

    Customer: *hangs up*

    My Neighbor Broke, Can You Fix It

    | Boulder, CO |

    Tech Support: “So you’re having issues picking up your wireless signal … how many connections are there?”

    Customer: “There’s two other networks but only one bar on each … those are my bad neighbors.”

    Tech Support: “So the good signal isn’t there? Hmm, your modem might be off; can we check that?”

    Customer: “Modem?”

    (Tech support troubleshot that for a while before realizing the guy had never paid for internet before and didn’t own a modem.)

    Tech Support: “Sir, when you said the other connections were your ‘bad neighbors…’ Did you mean that the good neighbor with the good signal isn’t there?”

    Customer: “Oh, he moved?”

    Sorry, Scotty & Spock Haven’t Been Born Yet

    | Boulder, CO |

    Customer: “Hello, is this Tech support?”

    Me: “Absolutely, is there an issue I can help you with?”

    Customer: “Yeah I want you to take over my computer and tell me what’s wrong with it. It’s all crazy.”

    Me: (Thinking about how “all crazy” actually constitutes as a good description of a problem in most cases) “Okay ma’am well I assume you’ve had us remote control your machine again, so go ahead and open the program for me and I’ll try to connect. What’s the IP address?”

    Customer: “No, you can’t have my IP.”

    Me: “Well it’s impossible to help you without it. Don’t worry, I’m not going to do something to your machine.”

    Customer: “No, you don’t understand. My ISP or whatever stopped giving me internet so I need you to do it some other way.”

    Me: “Ma’am, without internet I can’t just .. beam into your computer.”

    Customer: “Man, those guys control EVERYTHING!!”

    *click*

    A Pseudo-Existential Moment

    | Unknown Location |

    Technician: “Good morning, *** Technical Support.”

    Caller: “Is this technical support?”

    Technician: “Yes.”

    Caller: “Can I have your phone number please?”

    Technician: (Confused) “What number did you phone in on?”

    Caller: “Can I have your phone number please?”

    Technician: (Thoroughly confused) “It’s this number, it’s the number you’ve just dialed.”

    Caller: “Thank you. Goodbye.”

    Source

    Gadgets & Morals Make Strange Bedfellows

    | Canada | Top

    The customer needed help adding his music into his iTunes library. I showed him how, and this is what happened:

    Customer: “… Uggghhh!”

    Me: “What happened?”

    Customer: “Well, I’ll be honest. It’s adding my porn.”

    Me: *silence* “Oh….”

    Customer: “Please make it stop! I don’t want porn on my iPod!”

    Me: “Click the little X near the top.”

    Customer: “Okay, it stopped.”

    Me: “Try adding the My Music folder again.”

    Customer: “It’s doing it again! Oh God!”

    Me: “Okay, uh… let’s just move it from your My Music folder to a new folder in My Documents.”

    Customer: “Okay, I’ll do that.”

    (few seconds of silence pass while he moves the files)

    Customer: “Oh, man. It’s gonna take 24 minutes for all the files to move.”

    Me: “Twenty-four minutes? Are you sure?!”

    Customer: “Yes, I’m sure.”

    (I show him how to do some other unrelated action while the porn is moved)

    Customer: “Alright, great. Now that we’re done concealing my shame….”


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