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    Sorry, Scotty & Spock Haven’t Been Born Yet

    | Boulder, CO |

    Customer: “Hello, is this Tech support?”

    Me: “Absolutely, is there an issue I can help you with?”

    Customer: “Yeah I want you to take over my computer and tell me what’s wrong with it. It’s all crazy.”

    Me: (Thinking about how “all crazy” actually constitutes as a good description of a problem in most cases) “Okay ma’am well I assume you’ve had us remote control your machine again, so go ahead and open the program for me and I’ll try to connect. What’s the IP address?”

    Customer: “No, you can’t have my IP.”

    Me: “Well it’s impossible to help you without it. Don’t worry, I’m not going to do something to your machine.”

    Customer: “No, you don’t understand. My ISP or whatever stopped giving me internet so I need you to do it some other way.”

    Me: “Ma’am, without internet I can’t just .. beam into your computer.”

    Customer: “Man, those guys control EVERYTHING!!”


    A Pseudo-Existential Moment

    | Unknown Location |

    Technician: “Good morning, *** Technical Support.”

    Caller: “Is this technical support?”

    Technician: “Yes.”

    Caller: “Can I have your phone number please?”

    Technician: (Confused) “What number did you phone in on?”

    Caller: “Can I have your phone number please?”

    Technician: (Thoroughly confused) “It’s this number, it’s the number you’ve just dialed.”

    Caller: “Thank you. Goodbye.”


    Gadgets & Morals Make Strange Bedfellows

    | Canada | Top

    The customer needed help adding his music into his iTunes library. I showed him how, and this is what happened:

    Customer: “… Uggghhh!”

    Me: “What happened?”

    Customer: “Well, I’ll be honest. It’s adding my porn.”

    Me: *silence* “Oh….”

    Customer: “Please make it stop! I don’t want porn on my iPod!”

    Me: “Click the little X near the top.”

    Customer: “Okay, it stopped.”

    Me: “Try adding the My Music folder again.”

    Customer: “It’s doing it again! Oh God!”

    Me: “Okay, uh… let’s just move it from your My Music folder to a new folder in My Documents.”

    Customer: “Okay, I’ll do that.”

    (few seconds of silence pass while he moves the files)

    Customer: “Oh, man. It’s gonna take 24 minutes for all the files to move.”

    Me: “Twenty-four minutes? Are you sure?!”

    Customer: “Yes, I’m sure.”

    (I show him how to do some other unrelated action while the porn is moved)

    Customer: “Alright, great. Now that we’re done concealing my shame….”

    Money Talks, Something Else Walks

    , | USA | Top

    Me: “Your cable modem doesn’t work because you split the line to it 30 times for all the other rooms in your house. You have to put it on the first splitter. I’d be happy to rewire it for you.”

    Customer: “YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!!”

    Me: “Have you ever heard of cable fraud?”

    Customer: “How much was that again?”


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