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    The Shock And Thaw Strategy

    | Plainfield, IN, USA |

    Customer: “I need a fan.”

    Me: “What kind of fan?”

    Customer: “A fan for where I plug my modem in.”

    Me: “Do you have it with you?”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    (Customer leaves and returns with the computer. A hair dryer is duct-taped to the power supply, nozzle pointing into where the fan normally sits.)

    Me, dumbfounded: “Why is there a hairdryer taped to your computer?”

    Customer: “Well, I have to keep it warm, or it will freeze up.”

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    You Go On Wit Yo Bad DIY Self!

    Fonts Gone Wild

    | San Francisco, CA, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling *****, how may I assist you today?”

    Customer: “Hi, I need a new computer.”

    Me: “I’m sorry? You need a new computer?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I just bought this one and it’s no good, it’s been hacked!”

    Me: “This is software support. We can’t replace your hardware, but if you describe the problems you’re having I can try to help you fix them.”

    Customer: *irritated and sighing* “Some f***ing hacker broke into my computer and put dirty words everywhere! Now I can’t even let my kids use the computer for their homework, because of the obscene language that randomly pops up on the screen!”

    Me: “Sounds like a virus, do you have an anti-virus installed?”

    Customer: “I have McAfee and I already tried that 10 TIMES! It didn’t even find anything! Everything on this computer is just worthless and I’m sick of–”

    Me: “OK sir, please calm down so I can help you. Can you tell me where you are seeing dirty words?”

    Customer: “In AOL instant messenger and WordPad. Every time I open one of them it says “ASSHOLE” on the screen!”

    Me: “Where?”

    Customer: “I don’t know, why does that matter?”

    Me: “I’m trying to figure out what’s wrong with your machine, sir. Can you please open WordPad or AIM and tell me where you see that word?”

    Customer: *grumbling* “I’m opening instant messenger- there it is! It’s not ‘asshole’ though, it’s ‘anal’- same thing! How do I get rid of this?!”

    Me: “Where does it say ‘anal’?”

    Customer: “When I click on my friend’s name and the box pops up, it says ‘anal’ right above where you type!”

    Me: “Are you sure it says ‘anal’ and not ‘arial’?

    Customer: “What the hell is ‘arial’?”

    Me: “It’s a font sir; it’s spelled A-R-I-A-L.”

    (At this point the customer went silent for about 15 seconds, and then hung up the phone.)

    Dubya Dubya Dubya Dot Duh

    | Provo, UT, USA |

    Me: “Can I get your domain name please?”

    Customer: “something@yahoo.com”

    Me: “That’s actually an email address. What I’m looking for is something similar to www.website.com.”

    Customer: “www.something@yahoo.com.”

    Me: *sigh* “Can I get your name?”

    Kill Them With Kindness

    | Harrisburg, PA, USA | Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling C** Technologies, how can I help?”

    Customer, very irate: “Yeah! I didn’t pay my internet bill and now its saying my account is suspended and I want to know why!”

    Me: “Okay, you didn’t pay your bill, we suspended your account and you would like to know why?”

    Customer: “Yes! Why? Why did you suspend it?”

    Me: “Alright, let me take a look here…my system shows it suspended the account because you didn’t pay the last bill we sent.”

    Customer: “I know I didn’t pay the bill! Have a little f**king sympathy here! Are you customer service??”

    Me: “I’m tech support.”

    Customer: “Where is customer service at?!?”

    Me: “Our billing department handles all our customer service issues, I’ll transfer you down to them.”

    Customer: “You’re acting like a real a**hole you know that? You need to have more empathy for people!”

    Me, in the most uppity happy-go-lucky voice ever conceived; I almost gagged from bringing so much joy up: “You have yourself a fabulously sunshine-filled day, sir!”

    Customer: “WHATS YOUR F**KING NA–” *click*

    (Gotta love that transfer button…)

    Aggression Issues

    | Tokyo, Japan | Top

    Me, checking a customer’s network connection: “…so you double-click with the left button of your mouse on the Local Area Connection icon.”

    Customer: “What? Double-kick?”

    Me: “No, double-click; I mean you click twice, consecutively with the left button of your mouse on the Local Area Connection icon.”

    Customer: “Double-kick?”

    Me: “Yes, double-kick your monitor.”

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