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  • This Round He Lost (In Translation), Part 4
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    No, Your OTHER Left

    | USA | Top

    (The customer was using an older copy of Windows, so I had to ask her a question about what her Explorer window looked like)

    Tech Support: “Up at the top it says File, Edit, and View. What does it say just to the right of View?”

    Customer: “Edit.”

    Tech Support: “No, to the right of View.”

    Customer: “Edit.”

    Tech Support: “Okay, what’s on the other side of View?”

    Customer: “Oh, Tools.”

    Tech Support: “Click your left mouse button.”

    Customer: “Which one is that?”

    Tech Support: “Well, you know your left from your right, so click the button on your left.”

    Customer: “Oh.”

    Tech Support: “What happened?”

    Customer: “Nothing.”

    Tech Support: “You did click the left mouse button?”

    Customer: “I think so.”

    Tech Support: “The one on your left?”

    Customer: “Which one was that again?”

    Source

    Shoulda Told Him To Do Jumping Jacks

    | Ontario, Canada | Top

    (I am in IT for large company, with multiple locations all over the Canada. I got a call from a business unit located in another province)

    Customer on the phone: “Hi. My computer is not working.”

    Me: “Okay. What’s your name…”

    (After 5 minutes I got all the info I needed)

    Me: “I‚Äôm sorry, I cannot remotely access your computer. I‚Äôll have to inform your local IT team to come and resolve this problem. It‚Äôs 6am in your location and IT starts at 7am. They will come and fix it in an hour.”

    Customer: “No. This is critical. You come and fix it.”

    Me: “I‚Äôm sorry, you probably do not realize that I‚Äôm located in Ontario and you are in British Columbia. I cannot come and fix it.”

    Customer: “Okay, okay. You’ll come and fix it now?”

    Me: “No, there are thousands of kilometers between us. I cannot come and help you.”

    Customer: “Okay, okay. Production has stopped, so you come and fix it now.”

    (At this point I have big dent in my office wall exactly matching shape of my head)

    Me: “Okay, Sir. I‚Äôm coming to fix it. But I don‚Äôt know you, so to make it easier for me to recognize you please stand in the middle of the production area and raise both your hands so I can find you easily.”

    Customer: “Okay, Okay.”

    (I received no more calls from him–he’s probably still waiting for me with his hands raised over his head)

    Source

    Note: Still Needs To Discover Fire And The Wheel

    | USA | Top

    (Ten years ago, I was working for a company selling computerized cash registers. A customer called in to help me with a cash register that didn’t connect to the back office computer)

    Me: “So, can you tell me the settings of the DIP switches on the cash register?”

    Customer: “DIP switch?”

    Me: “Oh, sorry, the small switches located on the backside.”

    Customer: “Eeeerrr…there are no switches there.”

    Me: “Oh, yes, there are. Right next to the power cord.”

    Customer: “No. There are no switches. Not any more!”

    Me: *puzzled* “Huh? Not any more? What do you mean?”

    Customer: “Well, you know, my colleague told me that these switches might actually be what caused the problem, so I removed them.”

    Me: “REMOVED THEM??”

    Customer: “Yeah, you know, removed them. With a chisel.”

    Source

    Time To Call The Plumber

    | Tel Aviv, Israel | Technology, Top

    Me: “Internet helpdesk, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I can’t connect to the internet.”

    Me: “How long has it been since you last connected?”

    Customer: “I was connected until a few minutes ago.”

    Me: “Have you changed anything in your network?”

    Customer: “Well, I was downloading some movies over the net, but the download got too slow. I called a friend of mine and he told me that some movies could’ve gotten stuck in the cable. So I cut the cable to see if I could yank it out of there. I didn’t find anything, so I taped the cable back together. Now, can you get it back to work?”

    Me: *grimace*

    “L”ord Have Mercy

    | UK |

    Customer: ‘What’s a colon?’

    Tech Support: ‘It’s the key next to the ‘L’ key on your keyboard.’

    Customer: ‘How do you spell ‘L’?’

    Source


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