October Theme Of The Month: Halloween!

It’s Gonna Be A Looong Day

| Seattle, WA, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “What kind of computer do you have?”

Customer: “It’s a Motorola.”

Me: “…excuse me?”

Customer: “I said, it’s Motorola!”

Me: “Okay…are you running Windows?”

Customer: “NO, it’s Vista.”

Me: *long pause* “Oooh-kaaayyy…….”

Last Line Says It All

| Sarasota, FL, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “My computer won’t do anything.”

Me: “Okay, can you try rebooting it?”

Customer: “You want me to turn off my mouse?”

Me: “No, I want you to reboot your computer.”

Customer: “You want me to turn off my monitor?”

Me: “Um, no. I want you to reboot your computer, the tower.

Customer: “Which one is that?”

Me: “The big box on the ground…the thing you put CDs into.”

Customer: “Oh, okay hang on…it’s still not working.”

Me: “Okay, what’s it doing?”

Customer: “It’s asking me to put in my password but nothing’s working.”

Me: “Hmm, do you have a wireless keyboard and mouse?”

Customer: “How can I tell?”

Me: “Pick up your keyboard.”

Customer: “Okay.”

Me: “Do you see a cable attached to it?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Okay, you have a wireless keyboard. Try replacing the batteries. Is your mouse working?”

Customer: “How can I tell?”

Me: “When you move the mouse do you see the cursor move?”

Customer: “No I just see an arrow move.”

Me: “Well then, your mouse is working.”

(Real Estate agents, possibly the dumbest users on earth.)

When ET Invades, Resistance Will Be Minimal

| Nashville, TN, USA | Uncategorized

(A customer called in because she did not remember her password to one of our on-line applications. For federal reasons, we have to verify identity, usually with their birth date and/or some part of their social security number before we can reset a password.)

Me: “Alright ma’am, I just need to know your birth date.”

Customer: “How am I supposed to know that?”

Yeah, But Our Delhis Come With Salami

| Mount Laurel, NJ, USA | Uncategorized

(Please note that I have a rather generic first name for the US, generic like, say, John or Mike.)

Me: “Thank you for calling ******* Tech Shop, ***** speaking. Can I help you?”

Irate customer: “Can I speak to a f**king American?”

Me: “Last time I checked, I’m an American. Can I help you?”

Customer: “Oh yeah? Well where are you!?”

Me: “Mount Laurel, New Jersey–in the store you called.”

Customer: “That sounds like it’s in India.”

Me: “Unless New Jersey has moved recently, we’re part of the US…”

Customer: “Just let me speak to an American, d**n it!”

Me: “Yes sir, please hold.”

(At this point I transferred him to the Wilmington, DE store, as we do with many of our irate customers.)

When All Else Fails, Use Big Words

| Huntsville, AL, USA | Uncategorized

(I had a call from an elderly client who was having issues with her satellite receiver. After troubleshooting the issue as much as we possibly could I informed the customer that I’d need to send out a new receiver.)

Me: “Okay, so we’ll simply ship that out. I can overnight that and have it to you first thing tomorrow morning.”

Customer: “Tomorrow!?!? I need it RIGHT NOW!”

Me: “I understand where you’re coming from, but there’s no way for me to possibly do that.”


Me: “I do apologize for your current plight, but unfortunately we currently lack the technology to transmogrify things through space and time. With that in mind we are, unfortunately, required to use the most current means of shipping. That being FedEx. Would you like that at 9 in the morning or 10?”

Customer, after a brief pause: “10. Thank you.”

When All Else Fails, Rephrase

Page 82/93First...8081828384...Last