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    Fighting Crazy With Crazy

    | Texas, USA | Top

    (Keep in mind that I’m male with a deep voice. We do not send techs to troubleshoot; troubleshooting has to be done on the phone, then we send a tech to replace parts.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling ***. How may I–”

    Customer: “Send me a tech to fix my computer.”

    Me: “Well, what’s wrong with it?”

    Customer: “It’s not working!”

    Me: “Well, ok, but in order to get it working again, I would need to know what exactly is wrong.”

    Customer: “I just told you it’s not working. Send me a tech to fix it!”

    Me: “I’m afraid I can’t do that. I can help you perform some troubleshooting and–”

    Customer: “Why the f**k can’t you just send me a tech?”

    Me: “Well, like I said, I can’t do that. All I can do is troubleshoot with you on the phone to find out what’s wrong and then–”

    Customer: “WELL THAT’S GREAT, A**HOLE! I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU SAY! SEND ME A TECH, NOW!”

    Me, fake crying: “Why? Why do you hate me so much? Don’t you know how hard it is for a single mom with 5 kids to make a living?” *sob*

    Customer: “???” *hangs up*

    (I got written up for that. It was totally worth it though!)

    I Said, Zzzzip It

    | Phoenix, AZ, USA |

    Customer: “I’m trying to add an FTP user, and I can’t figure out what to do.”

    Me: “Alright, sir. I see that this is on a server for which you declined a support contract. All I can do is to direct you to the help center article that will instruct you how to do this; I can’t add it for you, or walk you through it.”

    Customer: “Look, all I’m trying to do is add an FTP user.”

    Me: “Sir, when you purchased this server we offered a support contract, which you declined–”

    Customer: “I just want to add an FTP user! You should be able to do that for me!”

    Me: “–and when you declined the support contract, you had to click on a button to accept full responsibility for managing your server.”

    Customer: “This isn’t a server management issue. I’m just trying to add an FTP user.”

    Me: “Sir, true or false? You purchased this server from us.”

    Customer: “True.”

    Me: “You declined the support contract, true or false?”

    Customer: “True.”

    Me: “And you accepted full responsibility for managing the server, true or false?”

    Customer: “True.”

    Me: “…so, why are you asking me?”

    Customer: “…” *click*

    This Little Piggy Went To H*ll

    | Colorado Springs, CO, USA |

    Me: “Can I help you?”

    Teacher: “Yes, I’ve forgotten my password and would like you to retrieve it for me.”

    (ID Verification stuff…)

    Me: “Alright, just a moment. Okay, ma’am. Your password is…”

    Teacher, apparently remembering at the last minute: “Oh, no…”

    Me: “Piggly…Wiggly…F**ker.”

    Teacher: *sheepishly* “Yeah…thank you.”

    Me: *bursts out laughing*

    A Simple Hello Would Have Sufficed

    | Amherst, MA, USA |

    (I had just taken the client’s information and asked him what kind of issue he was having.)

    Him: “Well, I’ve been having some problems with my emai–”

    (I hear the guy pull the phone away from his mouth.)

    Him, yelling: “HEY, SHUT THE F*CK UP MOTHERF*CKER!”

    Someone else in the background: “NO, YOU’RE THE MOTHERF*CKER A**HOLE! YOU SHUT THE F*CK UP!”

    (After about ten seconds of silence the guy comes back on the line and continues describing his problem like nothing ever happened.)

    Just Wait Until She Names Her Kids

    | Grand Rapids, MI, USA |

    (This customer called in to reactivate her account. She didn’t remember the original password so I reset it for her)

    Me: “All right, your password must be at least six characters in length, contain letters and numbers, and cannot be a common dictionary word. What would you like it to be?”

    Customer: “Eat sh*t.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “The password–eatsh*t.”

    Me: “Alright…but it requires a number.”

    Customer: “Oh….”

    Me: “How about 1eatsh*t1?”

    Customer: “Great!”

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