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    A Woman Of Few Words

    , | Midwest, USA |

    (I was in our technology support office when a housekeeping staff person, Donna, stopped by. There was no preamble to the dialog below.)

    Donna: “Dr. Franklin gets e-mail in his office.”

    Me: *nods*

    Donna: “Alicia says she can check her e-mail in the office.”

    Me: *nods*

    Donna: “I like e-mail.”

    Me: “Nice.”

    Donna: “Nice?”

    Me: “Not nice?”

    Donna: “I like e-mail.”

    Me: “I like e-mail, too.”

    Donna: “You don’t have it?”

    Me: “I do.”

    Donna: “I like e-mail.”

    Me: *biting lower lip, uncertain what to say or do*

    Donna: “I like e-mail.”

    Me: *glancing at the clock on the wall*

    Donna: “I like to have e-mail.”

    Me: “I like having e-mail, too, and I check it all the time.”

    Donna: “Can I have it? I like to have e-mail.”

    Related:
    The Art Of Ambiguity

    PEBCAK, Episode II

    | Austin, TX, USA |

    (We get a LOT of calls like this.)

    Him: “I locked myself out of my computer, and I can’t get in and I need to get in! My password doesn’t work!”

    Me: “Okay, we can do a password reset for you.”

    Him: “This is really important, I need to be able to log in!”

    Me: “Okay, sir, no problem. Can you just verify your login ID for me?”

    Him: *verifies*

    Me: “Okay, great. Now can you verify that your Caps Lock is not on?”

    Him: “What? That’s stupid, why would I…oh.” *silence*

    Me: “Sir?”

    Him: “…it just worked all of a sudden, thanks.”

    Me: “…”

    Related:
    Problem Exists Between Chair And Keyboard

    He Wants The Internets

    , | Calgary, Alberta, Canada |

    Me: “Hey, my name is ***, what can I do for you?”

    Old Man: “My great-grandson was telling me about this really neat thing on his computer. I would like to buy it.”

    Me: “So your nephew has this ‘thing’…what does it do?”

    Old Man: “Well, he was showing me videos and we played a few puzzles. I was also able to check my lottery numbers.”

    Me: “Oh, the internet…you’re just looking to hook up the internet in your house?”

    Old Man: “Yes, I would like to buy the internet.”

    Me: “Um, well you don’t purchase the actual internet. It’s kinda like paying your phone bill. You pay them and they give you phone services.”

    Old Man: “I know how a telephone works! Would you like to make some commission on this internet sale or should I take my business elsewhere?”

    Me: “Sir, I don’t think you understand. You need to call Shaw, Telus, or Rogers and they will come hook up your internet. It’s not a physical thing.”

    Old Man: “I am writing to the Better Business Bureau and reporting this incident to your manager. I know what the internet is, WalMart has it! I’m going to take my purchase to them!”

    Retail:
    He Wants The Google
    She Uses The Google

    Fighting Crazy With Crazy

    | Texas, USA | Top

    (Keep in mind that I’m male with a deep voice. We do not send techs to troubleshoot; troubleshooting has to be done on the phone, then we send a tech to replace parts.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling ***. How may I–”

    Customer: “Send me a tech to fix my computer.”

    Me: “Well, what’s wrong with it?”

    Customer: “It’s not working!”

    Me: “Well, ok, but in order to get it working again, I would need to know what exactly is wrong.”

    Customer: “I just told you it’s not working. Send me a tech to fix it!”

    Me: “I’m afraid I can’t do that. I can help you perform some troubleshooting and–”

    Customer: “Why the f**k can’t you just send me a tech?”

    Me: “Well, like I said, I can’t do that. All I can do is troubleshoot with you on the phone to find out what’s wrong and then–”

    Customer: “WELL THAT’S GREAT, A**HOLE! I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU SAY! SEND ME A TECH, NOW!”

    Me, fake crying: “Why? Why do you hate me so much? Don’t you know how hard it is for a single mom with 5 kids to make a living?” *sob*

    Customer: “???” *hangs up*

    (I got written up for that. It was totally worth it though!)

    I Said, Zzzzip It

    | Phoenix, AZ, USA |

    Customer: “I’m trying to add an FTP user, and I can’t figure out what to do.”

    Me: “Alright, sir. I see that this is on a server for which you declined a support contract. All I can do is to direct you to the help center article that will instruct you how to do this; I can’t add it for you, or walk you through it.”

    Customer: “Look, all I’m trying to do is add an FTP user.”

    Me: “Sir, when you purchased this server we offered a support contract, which you declined–”

    Customer: “I just want to add an FTP user! You should be able to do that for me!”

    Me: “–and when you declined the support contract, you had to click on a button to accept full responsibility for managing your server.”

    Customer: “This isn’t a server management issue. I’m just trying to add an FTP user.”

    Me: “Sir, true or false? You purchased this server from us.”

    Customer: “True.”

    Me: “You declined the support contract, true or false?”

    Customer: “True.”

    Me: “And you accepted full responsibility for managing the server, true or false?”

    Customer: “True.”

    Me: “…so, why are you asking me?”

    Customer: “…” *click*


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