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    The Customer Is Always Right-Click

    | USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (A user leaves me a couple of long, painful, voicemail messages about her computer not working at all.)

    User: “I can’t close windows, I can’t click anything, and I can’t respond to important emails!”

    (I remotely connect to her computer, check everything out, and everything looks good. I assume that she had restarted her computer, found everything okay, and just forgot to tell me. I receive another call from her.)

    User: “My computer is in utter chaos!”

    (Again, I remotely connect into her computer, and everything looks okay. I go to see her computer in person, and luckily, she is there.)

    Me: “Can you show me the problem?”

    User: “Of course, look!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I can see the immediate problem.”

    User: “What is it!?”

    Me: “You’re right-clicking on everything.”

    He Must Be A Theorist

    | USA | Extra Stupid, Math & Science, Technology

    (I support the scientists in a large research building. I get a call from one of them.)

    Caller: “I need help removing my extended absence greeting from my voice mail.”

    Me: “Okay, to do that you need to login to your voicemail and select option 4.”

    Caller: “How do you do that?”

    Me: “You press 4.”

    Caller: “I don’t know how to do that. Can I get an onsite visit?”

    Me: “We can’t generate an onsite visit for this issue; however, if you go to our intranet site there is a chart with all the menu options.”

    Caller: “That’s too complicated.”

    Me: “…you’re a scientist with several Ph.D.’s.”

    Rage Against The Machine

    | Tempe, AZ, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. My name is [Name]. May I please get the phone number associated with the account you are calling about?”

    Caller: *enters phone number without saying anything*

    Me: “…I’m sorry; I need you to tell me the phone number, please.”

    Caller: *again enters the phone number without saying anything*

    Me: “…Hello. This is a live person, not the automated system. I need you to actually tell me the phone number, not enter it on the phone, please.”

    Caller: *to someone in the background* “It’s not working! Just hang up and we’ll try again.”

    Me: “Hello. I can hear you. I’m a live person, if you—”

    Caller: *click*

    Doesn’t Look After His Property

    | Houston, TX, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (I take tech support calls for computer-aided design software. I get a call from a customer who is having issues remembering a certain command prompt for his software.)

    Me: “Good morning, this is [Company Name]. My name is [My Name]; how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I’m having trouble remembering one of my tool commands.”

    Me: “Okay, sir, do you know what the command does? Maybe I can help you figure out which command you’re looking for.”

    Customer: “Yeah! I can click on a line or shape and it’ll give me the properties of that thing. What’s that command called? It’s like ‘help’ or ‘information’ or something like that.”

    Me: “The ‘properties’ command, sir.”

    Customer: “Yeah! The one that gives me the properties of something! I want that. What’s it called?”

    Me: “Sir, it’s called ‘properties.’”

    Customer: “Yeah, the one that gives me the properties! It’s called ‘help,’ I think.”

    Me: “Sir, to find the properties of an item in your model, you will use the ‘properties’ command.”

    (I tell him how to start the command. Afterwards, there’s a long pause on the other end of the line, when suddenly the customer shouts.)

    Customer: “OH! It’s called ‘properties!’ Got it! Thanks, bye!”

    Stuck In A Vicious Triangle

    | Dusseldorf, Germany | Bizarre, Extra Stupid, Technology, Theme Of The Month

    (I work as IT support for a law firm. Usually I am very understanding when someone asks me a question with an obvious answer, since most lawyers don’t know PCs very well.)

    Lawyer: “HELP! My PC is going crazy! Triangles EVERYWHERE!”

    Me: “Triangles? What kind of triangles? Do you mean error messages with a warning sign?”

    Lawyer: “No, triangles! And a lot of them! I can’t finish my email. Please help me!”

    Me: “One moment please, I will connect to your PC to see what’s going on.”

    (I start the software and connect to his PC, and see Outlook doing ‘^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^’ without pause.)

    Me: “Mr. [Name], is it possible that something is lying on the keyboard?”

    Lawyer: *silence*

    Me: “Maybe on the upper left corner?”

    (At this moment, the ‘triangles’ stop.)

    Lawyer: “I guess it wasn’t a good idea to place the book on the keyboard. Please wait a second.”

    (He deletes the symbols and tries to write a normal sentence. Without the book pressing a different button, it obviously works.)

    Lawyer: “I think I could have figured that out myself. Usually I’m very good with the computer. Thank you. Bye.”

    (The lawyer hangs up and my coworker turns to me.)

    Coworker: “Hey, Mr. [Name] again? How many times did he call us this week?”

    Me: “I had him eight times on the line. I don’t know about the others.”

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