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    [Insert Apple Joke Here]

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA |

    (Telephone technical support for a printer manufacturer.)

    Customer: “First of all, I’m a Mac tech, so I know what the hell I’m doing; let’s get that straight right away!”

    Me: “Ok.”

    (It turned out he needed to reinstall some fonts, so we got the installer started.)

    Customer: “It says, ‘Insert Disk One.’ What should I do?”

    Me: “Um, insert disk one…”

    PEBCAK, Episode III

    | Howell, MI, USA |

    (I received a trouble ticket for an HP 930c Printer at our Ohio warehouse.)

    Me: “Hello, I hear you are having a problem with your printer.”

    Customer: “Yes, I changed the cartridge and it says that it’s still out of ink.”

    Me: “Ok, did you remove the blue tape before inserting the new print cartridge?”

    Customer: “Yep! Sure did!”

    (After literally two hours of model number and cartridge number verification and even installing new firmware on the printer among many other things…)

    Me: “Ok ma’am, can you take the ink cartridge out for me?”

    Customer: “Ok, it’s out.”

    Me: “Is there blue tape over the copper on the bottom of the cartridge?”

    Customer: “Yep.”

    Me: “Could you remove it and re-install the cartridge?”

    Customer: “Oh hey! It works!”

    (I’ve never wished more that I could slap people via telephony.)

    Related:
    PEBCAK, Episode II
    Problem Exists Between Chair And Keyboard

    An Unfortunate Choice Of Words

    | Ontario, Canada |

    (I worked for a large Internet service provider; customers are set up with an email address of their choice, over the phone. Someone obviously misheard her.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling high speed internet technical support. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I can’t get my email.”

    Me: “I should be able to help with that … let me pull up your information and I will see what I can do for you.”

    Customer: “My email address is SweetyPetty@***.***.”

    (I pull up the customer’s info.)

    Me: “I see here that your email address is … SweatyTitties@***.***.”

    Customer: “WHAT! That’s not my email address! I demand it be changed now!”

    Me: *having entirely too much fun with policy* “Oh I can do that for you, ma’am, but if I do the email address SweatyTitties will be unavailable for 30 days. Are you sure you don’t want SweatyTitties?”

    Customer: “No, I don’t want SweatyTitties!”

    Me: “Okay, so I will delete SweatyTitties off your account and replace it with SweetyPetty.”

    (At this point, the other tech support people around me are laughing.)

    Customer: “YES, YES please get rid of SweatyTitties!”

    The Land Of Maple Leafed Savages

    | Ontario, Canada | Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling technical support. My name is ***, how can I help you?

    Customer: *distinct southern accent* “Where am I calling?”

    Me: “*** technical support. Are you having trouble with your internet, sir?”

    Customer: “I know that. I mean, what part of the world?”

    Me: “I’m in Canada, sir. Is there something I can help you with?”

    Customer: “Canada?! You have internet up in Canada?”

    Me, sarcastically: “Nope…just got radio, in fact I had to drive my dog sled into work. There was a horrible accident and I lost two dogs. It’s been a rough day.”

    Customer: “Oh…well, I want technical support from a country who actually has it.” *click*

    Supervisor monitoring calls: “You can’t be serious.”

    Gotta Love Them DIY ‘Puters

    , | London, ON, Canada | Top

    (I was working in warranties for a large computer manufacturer, mostly with businesses but a few individuals came through on the line here and there.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling ***. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “My computer don’t work.”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, ma’am. Can I get the serial number off of your CPU?”

    Customer: “My what?”

    Me: “The computer tower.”

    Customer: “Huh?”

    (I’ll spare you the agony but, I went on for about 3 more minutes trying to describe the CPU and getting nowhere.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t seem to be expressing myself well today. Can you describe to me all the computer parts on your desk? I’ll tell you which one the number I need is on.”

    Customer: “It’s just a keyboard and a screen, like any other computer.”

    Me: “Oh, you have a laptop!”

    Customer: “A what?”

    Me: “A little computer you can take with you. The keyboard and screen fold together with a hinge in the middle, right?”

    Customer: “No, I don’t! I don’t know what is wrong with you computer people today. First the sales guy tries to sell me a bunch of sh*t I don’t need in this big box package and now you don’t even know what a computer is! Brand new today and it don’t even work.”

    Me: “So…you just bought a keyboard and a monitor?”

    Customer: “What’d I need all the rest uh’ that sh*t in the box for? This was way cheaper! I ain’t stupid!”

    Me: “…”


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