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    Playing Along, Part 2

    | Idaho, USA | Top

    (I get a call for troubleshooting from a lady who says her remote doesn’t work.)

    Me: “Ok ma’am, could you try changing the channel for me? Tell me if a light flashes on the remote.”

    Lady: “Ok.”

    (There are a few loud beeps from her phone in my ear and she comes back on the line.)

    Lady: “Nope, no flashing.”

    Me: “Ma’am you’re trying to change the channel with your phone, not the remote control.”

    Lady: “I can’t find the clicker, and I know my neighbor changes channels with her phone.”

    Me: “Ma’am, that’s just not possible.”

    Lady: “Don’t accuse me of lying! I saw her do it with my own eyes.”

    Me: “…”

    (I try for 10 minutes to explain to her why she can’t use her phone, and even make a futile attempt to troubleshoot her phone.)

    Me: “Ok, well it looks like your satellite receiver isn’t compatible with your phone.”

    Lady: “Yes it is. My neighbor and I have the same phone and same receiver. NOW HELP ME, DUMBA**!”

    Me: “Ma’am, do you have a cordless phone?”

    Lady: “Yes!”

    Me: “Ok ma’am, let’s try reprogramming your phone. What I need you to do is press and hold the ‘off’ button for five seconds. This will clear the old code, so we can put the new one in.”

    Lady: “Ok—” *click*

    (I hear my supervisor a few rows away from me bust out laughing.)

    Related:
    Playing Along

    [Insert Apple Joke Here]

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA |

    (Telephone technical support for a printer manufacturer.)

    Customer: “First of all, I’m a Mac tech, so I know what the hell I’m doing; let’s get that straight right away!”

    Me: “Ok.”

    (It turned out he needed to reinstall some fonts, so we got the installer started.)

    Customer: “It says, ‘Insert Disk One.’ What should I do?”

    Me: “Um, insert disk one…”

    PEBCAK, Episode III

    | Howell, MI, USA |

    (I received a trouble ticket for an HP 930c Printer at our Ohio warehouse.)

    Me: “Hello, I hear you are having a problem with your printer.”

    Customer: “Yes, I changed the cartridge and it says that it’s still out of ink.”

    Me: “Ok, did you remove the blue tape before inserting the new print cartridge?”

    Customer: “Yep! Sure did!”

    (After literally two hours of model number and cartridge number verification and even installing new firmware on the printer among many other things…)

    Me: “Ok ma’am, can you take the ink cartridge out for me?”

    Customer: “Ok, it’s out.”

    Me: “Is there blue tape over the copper on the bottom of the cartridge?”

    Customer: “Yep.”

    Me: “Could you remove it and re-install the cartridge?”

    Customer: “Oh hey! It works!”

    (I’ve never wished more that I could slap people via telephony.)

    Related:
    PEBCAK, Episode II
    Problem Exists Between Chair And Keyboard

    An Unfortunate Choice Of Words

    | Ontario, Canada |

    (I worked for a large Internet service provider; customers are set up with an email address of their choice, over the phone. Someone obviously misheard her.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling high speed internet technical support. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I can’t get my email.”

    Me: “I should be able to help with that … let me pull up your information and I will see what I can do for you.”

    Customer: “My email address is SweetyPetty@***.***.”

    (I pull up the customer’s info.)

    Me: “I see here that your email address is … SweatyTitties@***.***.”

    Customer: “WHAT! That’s not my email address! I demand it be changed now!”

    Me: *having entirely too much fun with policy* “Oh I can do that for you, ma’am, but if I do the email address SweatyTitties will be unavailable for 30 days. Are you sure you don’t want SweatyTitties?”

    Customer: “No, I don’t want SweatyTitties!”

    Me: “Okay, so I will delete SweatyTitties off your account and replace it with SweetyPetty.”

    (At this point, the other tech support people around me are laughing.)

    Customer: “YES, YES please get rid of SweatyTitties!”

    The Land Of Maple Leafed Savages

    | Ontario, Canada | Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling technical support. My name is ***, how can I help you?

    Customer: *distinct southern accent* “Where am I calling?”

    Me: “*** technical support. Are you having trouble with your internet, sir?”

    Customer: “I know that. I mean, what part of the world?”

    Me: “I’m in Canada, sir. Is there something I can help you with?”

    Customer: “Canada?! You have internet up in Canada?”

    Me, sarcastically: “Nope…just got radio, in fact I had to drive my dog sled into work. There was a horrible accident and I lost two dogs. It’s been a rough day.”

    Customer: “Oh…well, I want technical support from a country who actually has it.” *click*

    Supervisor monitoring calls: “You can’t be serious.”


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