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    This Little Piggy Went To H*ll

    | Colorado Springs, CO, USA |

    Me: “Can I help you?”

    Teacher: “Yes, I’ve forgotten my password and would like you to retrieve it for me.”

    (ID Verification stuff…)

    Me: “Alright, just a moment. Okay, ma’am. Your password is…”

    Teacher, apparently remembering at the last minute: “Oh, no…”

    Me: “Piggly…Wiggly…F**ker.”

    Teacher: *sheepishly* “Yeah…thank you.”

    Me: *bursts out laughing*

    A Simple Hello Would Have Sufficed

    | Amherst, MA, USA |

    (I had just taken the client’s information and asked him what kind of issue he was having.)

    Him: “Well, I’ve been having some problems with my emai–”

    (I hear the guy pull the phone away from his mouth.)

    Him, yelling: “HEY, SHUT THE F*CK UP MOTHERF*CKER!”

    Someone else in the background: “NO, YOU’RE THE MOTHERF*CKER A**HOLE! YOU SHUT THE F*CK UP!”

    (After about ten seconds of silence the guy comes back on the line and continues describing his problem like nothing ever happened.)

    Just Wait Until She Names Her Kids

    | Grand Rapids, MI, USA |

    (This customer called in to reactivate her account. She didn’t remember the original password so I reset it for her)

    Me: “All right, your password must be at least six characters in length, contain letters and numbers, and cannot be a common dictionary word. What would you like it to be?”

    Customer: “Eat sh*t.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “The password–eatsh*t.”

    Me: “Alright…but it requires a number.”

    Customer: “Oh….”

    Me: “How about 1eatsh*t1?”

    Customer: “Great!”

    Problem Exists Between Chair And Keyboard

    | Buffalo, NY, USA |

    (I had just started a new IT job for a large school district and was not expecting the level of stupidity I would be dealing with on a regular basis. Within my first 3 weeks, I receive a phone call from a school.)

    Clerk: “Hi, I am trying to use this new system on these computers and I attempting to make my account. My Principal got me started but now I am stuck.”

    Me: “What seems to be the problem?”

    Clerk: “Well, it is asking me for First Name and I have no idea what I am supposed to type.”

    Me: “You’re at the registration screen? Um…well I think you are supposed to enter your name.”

    Clerk: “Oh…okay…wait. No, it’s asking me for something else.”

    Me: “What now?”

    Clerk: “It says…last…name…what do I put here?”

    Me: “Probably your last name.”

    Clerk: “Oh, thanks…oh Jesus, now it’s asking for my phone number! What the hell am I suppose to put here! Why can’t I just do it the old fashioned way?”

    Me: “You mean pen and paper?”

    Clerk: “Yes! It was so much easier. These fancy computers are just so complicated. I never understand what I am suppose to do!”

    (I bit my tongue and just let her ramble on about how ‘First Name’ was such an incredibly hard concept to grasp.)

    Lieutenant BSOD, Reporting For Duty

    | Nova Scotia, Canada | Technology, Top

    (Back story: the customer was getting a blue screen of death on their computer.)

    Me: “Hello, thank you for calling tech support. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “I was wondering if you could tell me who general failure is and why he is trying to read the C drive on my computer?”

    Me: “Ummm…excuse me?”

    Customer: “I said that some guy named General Failure is reading my C drive.”

    Me: “How did you come to this conclusion?”

    Customer: “When I booted up my computer I get a big blue screen that says “General failure reading drive C,” and I demand to know who this person is!”

    Me: *stifling laughter* “Okay, if you don’t mind I am going to place you on hold for about 10 minutes while I do an investigation as to who this person is…”

    (I placed customer on hold and told my co-workers. We laughed our asses off for 10 minutes.)

    Me: “Thank you for holding. I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is I was able to find some information for you. The bad news is that I wasn’t able to confirm who this ‘General Failure’ is; I am sure he doesn’t work for us. The other thing is that your hard drive is fried, and I would advise you to try to pull any data you can off the drive and invest in a new one. Is there anything else I can do for you today?”

    Customer: “Um…no thank you.”

    (Customer hangs up and we laugh our asses off some more.)


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