November Theme Of The Month: Black Friday!

Terms Of Endearment

| Arizona, USA | Uncategorized

(I work for an internet tech support center. Due to security and billing, once an account has been registered, it can’t be changed.)

Me: “Thank you for calling ***. What can I do to assist you today?”

Customer: “I need to change the email address I registered on the account.”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, but I do not have the ability to do that for you. “You can, however, set up a sub-account to use instead.”

Customer: “You don’t understand. I really need to change the email address.”

Me: “Well sir, I can give you to another department who might be able to help, but in order to change that, it will essentially disconnect and reconnect your service. This may result in a charge due to your contract. I can show you how to set up a sub-account though.”

Customer: *sighs* “I really have to change my account. My wife is going to kill me.”

Me: “Can I have the email address so I may access your account?”

(There’s a long pause before the customer speaks again.)

Customer: “Ourpaininthea**@***.com. I was really frustrated when I was registering.”

(At this point, I nearly have to mute my phone to keep the customer from hearing my laughter.)

Customer: “My wife uses this to talk to all of her bridge club friends. She will kill me if she has to give this out.”

Me: “Well, sir, you can set up a sub-account just for your wife and she can have whatever email address she wants. You get 10 of them for free, so you would never even have to use the main account if you don’t want to.”

Customer: “Really? Can you show me? You may have just saved my marriage.”

Me: *still trying not to laugh* “No problem, sir…”

Also seen on: Not Always Romantic.

Crimes of Opportunity

| Beaverton, OR, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “What seems to be the problem?”

Young customer: “My wireless connection isn’t working. Can you take a look at it?”

Me: “Sure, no problem.”

(I get his laptop set-up and test the wireless. It picks up the store wireless with no problem.)

Me: “Well, pal it looks like your laptop is working just fine. It’s possible that it could be your router that’s the problem.”

Young customer: “I don’t have a router. I was just using a neighbor’s. They left and all the other signals are weak or locked.”

Me: “Then there is not a lot I can do for you, pal.”

Young customer: “Can’t you sell me a new wireless card so I can get a better signal?”

Me: “Yeah, sure, but that’s illegal.¬†It’s considered theft of services to use someone’s connection without their permission.”

Young customer: “No, it’s not.¬†If they didn’t want people using it, they would lock it.”

Me: “Yes, yes it is illegal. If I was to steal your car because you left it unlocked, and got caught. I would still go to jail.”

Young customer: “That’s different.”

Me: *sigh* “Sure it is. You have a nice day.”

Young customer: *storms off*

Telepathy Is Fun

| Magna, UT, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Thank you for calling ***, my name is ***. What can I help you with today?

Customer: “I’ll tell you how you can help, fix my d*** computer!”

Me: “So what is the problem with the computer today?”

Customer: “It’s broken. Fix it.”

Me: “Okay, but how is it broken?”

Customer: “I don’t know, just fix it.”

Me: “Is it not turning on, or is it not booting up?”

Customer: “I don’t know about computers, just fix the problem already!”

(This proceeds for almost 15 minutes back and forth. Finally, I decide to have some fun. I ask the customer to hold on for a second. I start shuffling some papers and opening and closing my desk drawer quite loudly.)

Customer: “What was all that noise?”

Me: “I think I found something we can use to fix this issue.”

Customer: “Good, so get started on it.”

Me: “Okay… now, I’m holding in front of me a crystal ball… I’m picturing the issue with the computer…¬†the computer is broken, and I’ve found a solution…”

Customer: “I want to speak to your manager, that is very rude!”

Me: “Sure thing, but wait… I see something else…¬†I see this call ending, now!” *click*

(Thank goodness it was 1 AM and nobody listened in on that call, or I’d have been fired.)

Yeah, That Might Do It

| Osan Air Base, Korea | Uncategorized

Ticket log: “When I shake my computer, I get the blue screen of death”.

We Can Thank Hollywood And “Hacker” Films For This

| Columbus, OH, USA | Bizarre

Me: “Can I help you?”

Caller: “My car won’t start.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Caller: “My car won’t start. It ran fine earlier but since I’ve visited your site it won’t turn over.”

Me: “Uh… is your computer attached to your car? Draining the battery?”

Caller: “No, the computer is in the house.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I don’t see how visiting a web site, let alone ours, could affect the operation of your car.”

Caller: “I thought this was tech support?”

Me: “That’s correct. We are not car mechanics, however.”

Caller: “Look, I hear about web sites hacking into people’s lives all the time. I see no reason why they couldn’t hack cars or anything else they wanted.”

Me: “Are you kidding?”

Caller: “No! My car worked fine earlier! I went to your site and now it won’t start. Why are you hacking me?!”

Me: “We aren’t. You don’t have a clue what you’re talking about.”

Caller: “F*** YOU! GET OUT OF MY CAR, YOU–”

Me: *click*

Who Needs History When You Have Hollywood