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    Good, Because Ms. BSOD Gets Really Cranky

    | Ohio, USA |

    Tech Support: “What software are you using to backup?

    Customer: “Ms. Dos.”

    (The customer spoke like it was a person, like Mr. Dos or Mrs. Dos.)

    Tech Support: “What, are you just copying the files with the xcopy or copy command?”

    Customer: “Oh, no. I use Ms. Backup for that!”

    It’s Gonna Be A Looong Day

    | Seattle, WA, USA |

    Me: “What kind of computer do you have?”

    Customer: “It’s a Motorola.”

    Me: “…excuse me?”

    Customer: “I said, it’s Motorola!”

    Me: “Okay…are you running Windows?”

    Customer: “NO, it’s Vista.”

    Me: *long pause* “Oooh-kaaayyy…….”

    Last Line Says It All

    | Sarasota, FL, USA |

    Customer: “My computer won’t do anything.”

    Me: “Okay, can you try rebooting it?”

    Customer: “You want me to turn off my mouse?”

    Me: “No, I want you to reboot your computer.”

    Customer: “You want me to turn off my monitor?”

    Me: “Um, no. I want you to reboot your computer, the tower.

    Customer: “Which one is that?”

    Me: “The big box on the ground…the thing you put CDs into.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay hang on…it’s still not working.”

    Me: “Okay, what’s it doing?”

    Customer: “It’s asking me to put in my password but nothing’s working.”

    Me: “Hmm, do you have a wireless keyboard and mouse?”

    Customer: “How can I tell?”

    Me: “Pick up your keyboard.”

    Customer: “Okay.”

    Me: “Do you see a cable attached to it?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “Okay, you have a wireless keyboard. Try replacing the batteries. Is your mouse working?”

    Customer: “How can I tell?”

    Me: “When you move the mouse do you see the cursor move?”

    Customer: “No I just see an arrow move.”

    Me: “Well then, your mouse is working.”

    (Real Estate agents, possibly the dumbest users on earth.)

    When ET Invades, Resistance Will Be Minimal

    | Nashville, TN, USA |

    (A customer called in because she did not remember her password to one of our on-line applications. For federal reasons, we have to verify identity, usually with their birth date and/or some part of their social security number before we can reset a password.)

    Me: “Alright ma’am, I just need to know your birth date.”

    Customer: “How am I supposed to know that?”

    Yeah, But Our Delhis Come With Salami

    | Mount Laurel, NJ, USA |

    (Please note that I have a rather generic first name for the US, generic like, say, John or Mike.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling ******* Tech Shop, ***** speaking. Can I help you?”

    Irate customer: “Can I speak to a f**king American?”

    Me: “Last time I checked, I’m an American. Can I help you?”

    Customer: “Oh yeah? Well where are you!?”

    Me: “Mount Laurel, New Jersey–in the store you called.”

    Customer: “That sounds like it’s in India.”

    Me: “Unless New Jersey has moved recently, we’re part of the US…”

    Customer: “Just let me speak to an American, d**n it!”

    Me: “Yes sir, please hold.”

    (At this point I transferred him to the Wilmington, DE store, as we do with many of our irate customers.)

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