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    Thick(headed) As Thieves

    | Massachusetts, USA | Top

    Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I’m trying to install your program but it keeps quitting during the set up.”

    Me: “Are you getting any error messages?”

    Customer: “No, it just quits and I have to restart the installation.”

    Me: “At what point does it quit?”

    Customer: “Well, it’s on the screen where is says registration code. I hit cancel and then it quits.”

    Me: “In order for the installation process to finish, you need to put in a registration code.”

    Customer: “Can you give me one?”

    Me: “For your program to work, you need to put in the code that comes with it.”

    Customer: “Well, how do I find that?”

    Me: “It would be on a slip of paper inside the box.”

    Customer: “What box?”

    Me: “The box that the CD came in.”

    Customer: “I didn’t get a box. Could you just give me a code?”

    Me: “When you bought the program it came in a box, did you lose the box?”

    Customer: “Oh, I didn’t buy it, I got it from a friend. But I don’t think she bought it either. The CD looks like it was homemade.”

    Me: “… homemade?”

    Customer: “Yeah, the top of the CD has handwriting on it. It’s just like the music CDs she gives to me.”

    Me: “I’m going to have to assume that the person who gave you this CD downloaded the program illegally. I can not provide you with a code to activate the software without a proper purchase.”

    Customer: “So now I can’t use it?”

    Me: “Not without purchasing it.”

    Customer: “But I don’t want to pay for it, I just want to use it!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but it just won’t work that way.”

    Customer: “Well, what good are you, you lousy b**ch?!” *click*

    It’s Gonna Be A Long Call

    | Monterrey, Mexico |

    (A customer had some serious problems with his computer, and since we are an internet company, we refer to the computer manufacturer number.)

    Me: “Okay, sir, can you tell me the brand of your computer?”

    Caller: “Compaq…” (or so I thought I heard…)

    Me: “Okay, sir, give me a sec–”

    Caller: *apparently still reading* “…compact disc.”

    Me: >.<

    Gotta Love Those Magic Dongles

    | Oslo, Norway |

    Me: “Welcome to the IT service desk. You’re talking to ******. How may I help you today?”

    User: “I can’t log on to VPN.”

    Me: “OK, how does the problem manifest itself?”

    User: “I get a wrong user name or password error.”

    Me: “Right. What’s the serial number of your VPN dongle?”

    User: “Well, it keeps changing.”

    Me: “…”

    Land Of The Free, Home Of The Unobservant

    | Sunnyvale, CA, USA |

    Customer: “I lost my CD key and I need a new one.”

    Me: “I’m sorry about that, sir. In order for me to provide you with a replacement key, I need you to email me a picture of the CD as proof of ownership.”

    Customer: “What? But I only need a CD key. I paid for it last week!”

    Me: “I’m very sorry, sir, but due to piracy issues, I have to get proof that you own an original copy of the CD or anyone could call and claim they bought the game, yet have an illegal copy.”

    Customer: “This is ridiculous! I paid forty f***ing dollars for this game and I need a CD key for it?”

    Me: “I can provide you with a key if you will simply email me a picture of your CD.”

    Customer: “No! This is America! If I say I paid for it, you should trust me! I’m going to report your company to the Attorney General! You ripped me off and won’t provide me with the product I paid for!”

    Me: “Sir–”

    Customer: “Oh, wait… the CD key is here on the plastic case.” *hangs up*

    Why Catch-22 Needs To Be Required Reading

    | California, USA | Top

    Customer: “I bought a computer from you guys not 3 weeks ago, and my internet isn’t working.”

    Me: “Well the computer itself seems to be operating perfectly…”

    Customer: “It is NOT working perfectly. I cannot get on the internet. ”

    Me: “I understand that; I just mean while the internet itself isn’t working, your computer is functioning properly.”

    Customer: “My computer is worthless without internet.”

    (Company policy is to direct her to her ISP for further assistance. So I try to get that info from her so I can give her a proper phone number.)

    Customer: “Why don’t you just fix it?”

    Me: “I’ve run out of things we can try.”

    Customer: “What is the ISP going to do?”

    Me: “They’ll walk you through a few things or at least tell you if there is an outage or other problems in your area.”

    Customer: “I bought this computer from YOU and YOU should be the ones fixing it.”

    Me: “It’s not the computer, it’s the internet. Unfortunately we’re not your internet provider. There’s really nothing more I can do for you.”

    Customer: “How much do you charge for internet?”

    Me: “We do not sell internet.”

    Customer: “Than who do I buy my internet from?”

    Me: “I don’t know. Verizon, perhaps?”

    Customer: “I suppose I should order some internet.”

    Me: “…you haven’t even signed up for it yet!?”

    Customer: “I wanted to do it on the internet.”

    Me: *head explodes*

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