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    Yeah, But Our Delhis Come With Salami

    | Mount Laurel, NJ, USA |

    (Please note that I have a rather generic first name for the US, generic like, say, John or Mike.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling ******* Tech Shop, ***** speaking. Can I help you?”

    Irate customer: “Can I speak to a f**king American?”

    Me: “Last time I checked, I’m an American. Can I help you?”

    Customer: “Oh yeah? Well where are you!?”

    Me: “Mount Laurel, New Jersey–in the store you called.”

    Customer: “That sounds like it’s in India.”

    Me: “Unless New Jersey has moved recently, we’re part of the US…”

    Customer: “Just let me speak to an American, d**n it!”

    Me: “Yes sir, please hold.”

    (At this point I transferred him to the Wilmington, DE store, as we do with many of our irate customers.)

    When All Else Fails, Use Big Words

    | Huntsville, AL, USA |

    (I had a call from an elderly client who was having issues with her satellite receiver. After troubleshooting the issue as much as we possibly could I informed the customer that I’d need to send out a new receiver.)

    Me: “Okay, so we’ll simply ship that out. I can overnight that and have it to you first thing tomorrow morning.”

    Customer: “Tomorrow!?!? I need it RIGHT NOW!”

    Me: “I understand where you’re coming from, but there’s no way for me to possibly do that.”

    Customer: “HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE 70 YEARS OLD AND CONFINED TO YOUR HOUSE WHERE YOUR ONLY SOURCE OF ENTERTAINMENT IS THE TV!?!?”

    Me: “I do apologize for your current plight, but unfortunately we currently lack the technology to transmogrify things through space and time. With that in mind we are, unfortunately, required to use the most current means of shipping. That being FedEx. Would you like that at 9 in the morning or 10?”

    Customer, after a brief pause: “10. Thank you.”

    Related:
    When All Else Fails, Rephrase

    A Case Of The Computer Cooties

    , | Dublin, Ireland | Top

    (The office downstairs sometimes calls up to us for tech support. They’re not too great with computers.)

    Guy from downstairs: “I think one of the computers has a virus.”

    Me: “Ok, which one?”

    Guy: “The one in the middle of the office.”

    (This seems strange, as I remember that they don’t have any computers in the middle of the room.)

    Me: “Have you moved the computers recently?”

    Guy: “Yeah, we put it in the middle of the office so the other computers wouldn’t catch the virus!”

    (I went downstairs and a disconnected desktop stands in all its glory in the middle of the room. It didn’t have a virus.)

    Military Intelligence, Part 2

    | Huntsville, AL, USA |

    (We had a notice from one of the Nevada affiliates that Las Vegas residents would be suffering from a network outage due to a problem with their broadcasting equipment.)

    Customer: “I think someone is standing next to your satellite with a ham radio. You need to run out and get them to stop.”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but that’s not the problem–”

    Customer: “I will have you know, son, I am a Gunnery Sergeant. I’ve worked with Hand Operated Radios for years and I’m telling you RIGHT NOW…there is someone standing next to your satellite with a d*** radio and it’s interfering with my signal. I demand you to get out there and tell them to stop.”

    Me: “Far be it from me to ever argue with my clients, but I will have to at this time. I understand that you’re a Gunny Sergeant and that you’ve operated HAM radios for years, but I know my satellite equipment, and it’s not possible for someone to be standing next to my satellite with a radio.”

    Customer: “Oh? Really, smart man? Why is that?”

    Me: “Because our satellites are in outer space. Furthermore Las Vegas has an outage going on due to a technical issue with their broadcasting equipment.”

    Customer: “Oh. Okay.”

    *click*

    Related:
    Military Intelligence

    A Simple Go To H*ll Would Have Sufficed

    | Stillwater, OK, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling *** Direct Sales. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “I need a power cord for my product.”

    Me: “I would be happy to place your order. I just need you to read me the three numbers from the front of the product.”

    Caller: “Talk to my wife, I can’t read…”

    (In the background, I overhear the following…)

    Caller: “Get on the phone!”

    Caller’s wife: “You are Satan! When spiritual warfare happens, I will have more angels on my side because you are evil and no one loves you!”

    (The wife then comes on the phone and very calmly gives me the number, her address, credit card info and then hangs up.)

    Related:
    A Simple Hello Would Have Sufficed


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