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  • Always Time For A Rhyme
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  • Bang Head Here

    | London, UK | Top

    Me: “Hello, technical support, how can I help?”

    Customer: “I don’t know what’s wrong with my computer. Can you tell me?”

    Me: “Well… can you explain what’s wrong?”

    Customer: “Your job is to tell me what’s wrong.”

    Me: “Yes, but unless you help me I can’t tell you what is wrong.”

    Customer: “Why? Can’t you guess what’s wrong?”

    (I have decided a this point whatever is wrong will be something stupid.)

    Me: “Okay, maybe you can’t turn your computer on because it hasn’t got any power.”

    Customer: *angrily* “DO YOU THINK I’M STUPID?”

    (Suddenly, the customer calms down.)

    Customer: “Sorry, you were wrong. It’s plugged in and the light is green. Can you guess what’s wrong? It’s still black on the screen.”

    Me: “Well, is your screen on?”

    Customer: “Yes, I just said it was. It’s just black!”

    Me: “Right click.”

    Customer: “Hey, it worked… oh, it was a screensaver. Couldn’t you have guessed it was that at the start?”

    Me: *thud thud thud*

    Customer: “What was that?”

    Me: “Guess.”

    One Gets You High Speed, The Other Just Gets You High

    | Iceland |

    Coworker: “Tech support, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I need LSD for my son. You have that, right?”

    Coworker: “Uh?”

    Customer: “You know, that high speed internet thing…”

    Coworker: *trying not to laugh* “You mean DSL?”

    Insert Sex Euphemism Here

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada | Top

    (I get a lot of funny calls, and most of the time, I can stay calm and professional through the call. This is the only one I’ve had where I needed to hit the ‘mute’ button. Thankfully, he was talking about the website–I eventually needed to dispatch a tech.)

    Me: “Thanks for calling Internet Tech Support, Emily speaking.”

    Customer: “Yeah, I was looking at this porn site, and now I can’t get it up anymore.”

    Me: “…”

    Tech Support, How I Miss Thee

    | Louisiana, USA |

    (Preface: One of our business’ locations lost power. I first spent an hour on the phone…)

    Me: “Your power went out? Did you shut down the computers or did they shut down on their own?”

    Them: “They just shut down, and now they won’t come up!”

    Me: “So you have power now? Are your TVs and radios playing?”

    Them: “Yes!”

    Me: “What I want you to do is go to the computer and find the power cord.”

    Them: “Okay, got it.”

    Me: “Trace it to the battery backup. You will find it plugged into the back of it.”

    Them: “Okay, found it.”

    Me: “Plug it into a receptacle other than the battery backup. Plug it into the wall receptacle.”

    Them: “Okay, done.”

    Me: “Now try to power the computer up.”

    Them: “Nothing.”

    Me: “Okay, there may have been a breaker that tripped. Do you know your way around your fusebox?”

    Them: “Yes.”

    Me: “Go look at it and see if anything is tripped. If so, reset it, okay?”

    Them: “Okay, hold on…”

    (After a few moments…)

    Them: “Nothing’s tripped and I got customers needing to make payments!”

    Me: “Okay, I will be there in a couple of hours.”

    (After a two hour trip, I arrive with a new computer in my backseat. The first thing I look at is the APC backup power supply. The problem? The computer was still plugged into the backup, but even better: they plugged the backup power supply into itself. Two hour trip, one minute solution.)

    The Joy Of Sex(ism), Part 3

    | Jackson, MS, USA | Top

    (I’m a male to female transsexual working in a call center. My name is an androgynous name, so I still use the male name when greeting customers for legal reasons.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling tech support, K***y speaking. How can I help you today?”

    Sexist Caller: “You can’t help me. Get me someone who can.”

    Me: “I’m sure I can assist you sir, what is the problem today?”

    Sexist Caller: “I ain’t talking to you!”

    Me: “What’s the problem?”

    Sexist Caller: “I ain’t talking to no girl.”

    (This caused me to both be glad that my voice passes for female on the phone, but really pissed me off cause of how horrible it was…but I would have my revenge…)

    Me: “I’m terribly sorry to hear that sir, are you sure?”

    Sexist Caller: “Get me a man, God d**n it!*

    Me: “Okay sir, let me see what I can do. Please hold.”

    (I proceed to put him on hold. I then spend the next few minutes eating a snack, reading some web comics, etc. I then clear my throat, and hit the button to take him off hold.)

    Me: *with my old male voice this time* “Thank you for calling technical support, this is K***y speaking, how can I help you?”

    Sexist Caller: “Oh thank god, I though I was gonna be stuck with that b**ch.”

    Me: “Understandable sir, she’s not that good a technician.”

    Sexist Caller: “You guys got the same name, you related or something?”

    Me: “No way, thank God… ”

    (I proceeded to reinstall his operating system from where he had totally screwed it up. I got written up for this, all while the manager was laughing and apologizing that he had to do it.)

    Related:
    The Joy Of Sex(ism), Part 2
    The Joy Of Sex(ism)

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