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    Crimes of Opportunity

    | Beaverton, OR, USA |

    Me: “What seems to be the problem?”

    Young customer: “My wireless connection isn’t working. Can you take a look at it?”

    Me: “Sure, no problem.”

    (I get his laptop set-up and test the wireless. It picks up the store wireless with no problem.)

    Me: “Well, pal it looks like your laptop is working just fine. It’s possible that it could be your router that’s the problem.”

    Young customer: “I don’t have a router. I was just using a neighbor’s. They left and all the other signals are weak or locked.”

    Me: “Then there is not a lot I can do for you, pal.”

    Young customer: “Can’t you sell me a new wireless card so I can get a better signal?”

    Me: “Yeah, sure, but that’s illegal.¬†It’s considered theft of services to use someone’s connection without their permission.”

    Young customer: “No, it’s not.¬†If they didn’t want people using it, they would lock it.”

    Me: “Yes, yes it is illegal. If I was to steal your car because you left it unlocked, and got caught. I would still go to jail.”

    Young customer: “That’s different.”

    Me: *sigh* “Sure it is. You have a nice day.”

    Young customer: *storms off*

    Telepathy Is Fun

    | Magna, UT, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling ***, my name is ***. What can I help you with today?

    Customer: “I’ll tell you how you can help, fix my d*** computer!”

    Me: “So what is the problem with the computer today?”

    Customer: “It’s broken. Fix it.”

    Me: “Okay, but how is it broken?”

    Customer: “I don’t know, just fix it.”

    Me: “Is it not turning on, or is it not booting up?”

    Customer: “I don’t know about computers, just fix the problem already!”

    (This proceeds for almost 15 minutes back and forth. Finally, I decide to have some fun. I ask the customer to hold on for a second. I start shuffling some papers and opening and closing my desk drawer quite loudly.)

    Customer: “What was all that noise?”

    Me: “I think I found something we can use to fix this issue.”

    Customer: “Good, so get started on it.”

    Me: “Okay… now, I’m holding in front of me a crystal ball… I’m picturing the issue with the computer…¬†the computer is broken, and I’ve found a solution…”

    Customer: “I want to speak to your manager, that is very rude!”

    Me: “Sure thing, but wait… I see something else…¬†I see this call ending, now!” *click*

    (Thank goodness it was 1 AM and nobody listened in on that call, or I’d have been fired.)

    Yeah, That Might Do It

    | Osan Air Base, Korea |

    Ticket log: “When I shake my computer, I get the blue screen of death”.

    We Can Thank Hollywood And “Hacker” Films For This

    | Columbus, OH, USA | Bizarre

    Me: “Can I help you?”

    Caller: “My car won’t start.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Caller: “My car won’t start. It ran fine earlier but since I’ve visited your site it won’t turn over.”

    Me: “Uh… is your computer attached to your car? Draining the battery?”

    Caller: “No, the computer is in the house.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I don’t see how visiting a web site, let alone ours, could affect the operation of your car.”

    Caller: “I thought this was tech support?”

    Me: “That’s correct. We are not car mechanics, however.”

    Caller: “Look, I hear about web sites hacking into people’s lives all the time. I see no reason why they couldn’t hack cars or anything else they wanted.”

    Me: “Are you kidding?”

    Caller: “No! My car worked fine earlier! I went to your site and now it won’t start. Why are you hacking me?!”

    Me: “We aren’t. You don’t have a clue what you’re talking about.”

    Caller: “F*** YOU! GET OUT OF MY CAR, YOU–”

    Me: *click*

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    Who’s Got The Power Now

    , | Los Angeles, CA, USA |

    Me: “How can I help you?”

    Irate Caller: “Yes, I just purchased one of your wireless routers and your stupid tech support in India just told me I have to plug it into an outlet.”

    Me: “Uh… yes, ma’am. It needs to be plugged into an outlet to get electrical power.”

    Irate Caller: “I purchased a WIRELESS router, so it shouldn’t require wires! Doesn’t it use batteries or something?”

    Me: “No, ma’am, ‘wireless’ means you don’t need wires between the computer and the router.”

    Irate Caller: “Wireless means WIRE-LESS! If this thing has to be plugged in with a wire, I want a full refund!”

    Me: “If the product isn’t what you expected, I suggest you return the device to your local retailer.”

    Irate Caller: “NO! That’s not good enough! They won’t take it back because it’s been opened! I want you to give me a refund!”

    Me: “Ma’am, we don’t provide refunds unless a product’s functionality is grossly misadvertised. You need to speak to–”

    Irate Caller: “NO! You’ll give me a refund right now you f***ing son of a b**** and you’ll do it right f***ing now!”

    Me: “Ma’am, throwing a temper tantrum like a five year old is not going to get you something that we’re incapable of giving you.”

    Irate Caller: “You can’t speak to me like that! Transfer me to your manager at once!”

    Me: “No.”

    Irate Caller: “What?”

    (Contrary to popular belief, most companies don’t REQUIRE techs to transfer to supervisors simply because they’re told to by a customer).

    Me: “I said no. I will not transfer you to my supervisor. This is a non-escalatable issue.”

    Irate Caller: “But you have to!”

    Me: “No, I really don’t, and since you already blasted me with profanity, technically I could have disconnected the call already.”

    Irate Caller: “Well, I’m sorry… can I have my refund now?”

    Me: “I told you, I can’t give you a refund for this product. You need to contact your retailer.”

    Irate Caller: “F*** you! You f***ing ****ards are ripping me the f*** off! F*** you!”

    Me: “Thank you for contacting tech support and have a nice day!”

    Irate Caller: “Wait! I’m sorry!”

    Me: *click*

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