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    Who’s Got The Power Now

    , | Los Angeles, CA, USA |

    Me: “How can I help you?”

    Irate Caller: “Yes, I just purchased one of your wireless routers and your stupid tech support in India just told me I have to plug it into an outlet.”

    Me: “Uh… yes, ma’am. It needs to be plugged into an outlet to get electrical power.”

    Irate Caller: “I purchased a WIRELESS router, so it shouldn’t require wires! Doesn’t it use batteries or something?”

    Me: “No, ma’am, ‘wireless’ means you don’t need wires between the computer and the router.”

    Irate Caller: “Wireless means WIRE-LESS! If this thing has to be plugged in with a wire, I want a full refund!”

    Me: “If the product isn’t what you expected, I suggest you return the device to your local retailer.”

    Irate Caller: “NO! That’s not good enough! They won’t take it back because it’s been opened! I want you to give me a refund!”

    Me: “Ma’am, we don’t provide refunds unless a product’s functionality is grossly misadvertised. You need to speak to–”

    Irate Caller: “NO! You’ll give me a refund right now you f***ing son of a b**** and you’ll do it right f***ing now!”

    Me: “Ma’am, throwing a temper tantrum like a five year old is not going to get you something that we’re incapable of giving you.”

    Irate Caller: “You can’t speak to me like that! Transfer me to your manager at once!”

    Me: “No.”

    Irate Caller: “What?”

    (Contrary to popular belief, most companies don’t REQUIRE techs to transfer to supervisors simply because they’re told to by a customer).

    Me: “I said no. I will not transfer you to my supervisor. This is a non-escalatable issue.”

    Irate Caller: “But you have to!”

    Me: “No, I really don’t, and since you already blasted me with profanity, technically I could have disconnected the call already.”

    Irate Caller: “Well, I’m sorry… can I have my refund now?”

    Me: “I told you, I can’t give you a refund for this product. You need to contact your retailer.”

    Irate Caller: “F*** you! You f***ing ****ards are ripping me the f*** off! F*** you!”

    Me: “Thank you for contacting tech support and have a nice day!”

    Irate Caller: “Wait! I’m sorry!”

    Me: *click*

    If At First You Don’t Succeed…

    | New Albany, IN, USA |

    (We were trying to troubleshoot a printer than quit working…)

    Coworker: “… go ahead and click on the printer and faxes icon.”

    Customer: “It’s not opening.”

    (My coworker tries it himself, and waits nearly 40 minutes for a window to pop up: it eventually shows 70,916 documents in the queue!)

    Like A Spin Cycle, Round And Round

    | Nottingham, UK |

    Me: “Hello, welcome to PC support. How may I help?”

    Customer: “Hello, I just bought this washing machine.”

    Me: “Alright. You’ll have to call customer service. This is PC support. Call back on the same number you just dialed, select 2 in the first menu and then 3 in the second menu to get to customer service.”

    Customer: “Okay, transfer me to customer service.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I’m not able to do that. You will have to call back on the same number and select 2 in the first menu, 3 in the second.”

    Customer: “Can you give me the number to customer service?”

    Me: “It’s the same number you just called. Press 2 and then 3 in the menus.”

    Customer: “What happens if I press 2 now?”

    Me: “Well, I will get a beep in my ear and I dont like that. Please hang up and call back on the same number before pressing any keys.”

    Customer: “Hrmf!” *hangs up*

    (20 seconds later…)

    Me: “Hello, welcome to PC support. How may I help?”

    Customer: “Hello, I just bought this washing machine.”

    Me: *sigh*

    It’s Gonna Be A Long Call, Part 3

    | Tech Support |

    Me: “Thank you for calling ***, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I want to get on the Internet.”

    Me: “Alright, are you interested in dialup or DSL?”

    Customer: “Whoa, whoa, whoa! You’re speaking Greek to me!”

    Related:
    It’s Gonna Be A Long Call, Part 2
    It’s Gonna Be A Long Call

    Because “Free” Is One Letter Away From “Fee”

    | Virginia, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling tech support. May I help you?”

    Customer: “How do you fix Debian?”

    Me: “Depends on what the problem is. What are some of the issues you’re having?”

    Customer: “I paid $700 for it! It should work PERFECTLY!”

    Me: “Ma’am, Debian is free. If you paid $700 for it, all that means is that you’re an idiot.”

    Customer: “Really?”

    Me: “Yep. Anything else I can do for you?”

    Customer: *click*

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