Me: “Okay, we now need to log into your modem. It should ask for login details.”

Customer: “What are they?”

Me: “Admin and admin are the username and password.”

Customer: “Are the passwords in that order?”

Me: “Umm. Sure, go for it.”

Customer: “Ok, I’d hate to have gotten them mixed up!”

Caller: “I’m not happy with the website.”

Me: “Why?”

Caller: “It’s not reporting my usage correctly.”

Me: “I’m very sorry about that. Is it saying you have used more than you think you have?”

Caller: “No, it’s saying I have not used any.”

Me: “Oh, that means we were accidentally giving it to you for free. Thanks for telling me!”

Caller: “Crap! I should learn not to complain!”

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(This call came in shortly after Hurricane Katrina.)

Customer: “My computer isn’t working.”

Me: “It’s not working, or your service isn’t working?”

Customer: “My computer itself will not turn on.”

Me: “Well, since it’s not a service-related problem, I can’t really help you with fixing it. When was the last time it worked?”

Customer: “Well, we had to evacuate for a few days, and then we came back to clean up. I fished the computer out of the swimming pool and let it dry out, then got it hooked back up.”

Me: “Yeah, that’s not gonna work.”

Me: “Thank you for calling **** support.”

Customer: “Um…I don’t think you’re going to believe this….”

Me: “What seems to be the issue today?”

Customer: “I think my computer was abducted!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “I went to bed last night and my computer was on my dining room table. I woke up this morning late for work and rushed out the door. As I backed out of the driveway, I heard a crunch, and I figured it was a trash can or something.”

Me: “…OK. And what does this have to do with your computer, sir?”

Customer: “Well, when I checked it out it was my computer under the back tire. But I swear that it was still inside the house when I went to bed last night!”

Me: “OK sir, unfortunately your warranty does not cover extraterrestrial damage, so any repairs to the computer will have to be paid with a credit card.”

Customer: “WHAT?! I don’t want it fixed! I just wanted to let you know that your computers attract aliens. My insurance company already replaced it. I’m just waiting for it to arrive now.” *click*

(I overheard my coworker take this call…)

Coworker: “Thank you for calling **** tech support, how can I help you?”

Caller: “I don’t have time to get into it right now! It’s not working, I’ll call back later!”

Coworker: “Okay… thank you for calling!”

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Caller: “I’m having trouble downloading pictures in your program. ¬†My camera doesn’t appear in the list.”

(I ask him some questions and determine that his camera is not compatible with our software.)

Me: “I’m sorry, it looks as though you’ll have to download your pictures using the software that came with your camera. ¬†What program do you normally use?”

Caller: “Chlamydia.”

Me: “I’m sorry, what was that?”

Caller: “I usually download my pictures in Chlamydia.”

Me: *stifling laugh* “Go into your start menu and read me the name of the program very carefully.”

Caller: “Ok, it says cam-ee-dee-uh.”

Me: “Oh, Camedia…”

(I keep it together and manage to wrap up the call.)

Me: “Thank you for calling *** technical support. Is there anything else I can do for you?”

Caller: “Nope, I’ll just dowload my pictures in Chlamydia then. Thanks!” *click*

Customer: “My husband spilled a milkshake on his laptop’s keyboard.”

Me: “Okay, well it appears that you have our accidental service plan, so let’s get you squared away and get this laptop fixed.”

Customer: “Oh, that’s great! when will it be back?”

Me: “Two to four weeks.”

Customer: “Oh, that’s not good.”

Me: “Why?”

Customer: “Do you give loaners?”

Me: “No, I’m afraid we do not.”

Customer: “Great! You mean he wont be able to watch his porn then?!”

Me: *blank look*

(A husband and wife couple have me on speakerphone so that they can get help troubleshooting. I’m typing up some notes while their PC reboots, which they can apparently hear…)

Customer: “Wow, that sounds like a machine gun. ‘That your typing, sweetheart?”

Me: *laughs* “Yeah, it is… I can type pretty fast.”

Customer: “You married at all?”

Me: “Nope, not yet. Why do you ask?”

Customer: “Doesn’t surprise me love, with fingers that fast you don’t need a man!”

Me: *mouth agape*

(Suddenly, I hear a smacking noise followed by the man cursing.)

Customer’s wife: “Ignore Ron… he’s a pig, dear. He’s lucky he’s married himself. I’m sure you’re lovely.”

Customer: “Isn’t it time a house fell on you, my darling wife?”

Me: *mouth still agape*

Related:
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Marital Bliss, In All Its Forms

Me: *on the phone* “Help Desk, can I help you?

Customer: “I can’t log in to my computer.”

Me: “No problem, sir – let me reset it for you.”

Customer: “Thanks!”

Me: “Ok, sir – go ahead and type ‘welcome’ as your default password. When you hit ‘OK’ you will be asked to create a new password.”

Customer: “Are their any requirements for the password?”

Me: “The only requirement is that the password has to be at least 6 characters in length – numbers, letters or both.”

(Two minutes pass and I still hear a lot of typing over the phone. I’d assumed he’d logged in and starting working, forgetting I was on the phone.)

Me: “Is everything all right? Were you able to get your password reset?”

Customer: “No! Its not all right! Why is it that every time I call you guys there’s a problem?! You have to make everything so difficult!”

Me: “I am sorry for that sir…what happens after you try to create your new password?”

Customer: “What do you think?! It tells me to try again! It will not take!”

Me: “Well, go ahead and try entering something different.”

Customer: “You know, you people are ridiculous! How many characters do you think I can remember?! I’m not five years old any more! All I remember is Pluto, Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck!”

Me: *facepalm*

Me: “Thank you for calling **** technical support, this is ****, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I have this error stuck on my TV screen – ‘Acquiring Satellite Signal’ – how do I fix this?”

Me: “I show from your account info that your area is undergoing a hurricane. Are you having bad weather now?”

Customer: “It’s raining and windy.”

Me: “Well, the rain and cloud cover are going to block your signal until the storm passes. The weather reports show that this is a major storm; have you considered evacuating for your own safety?”

Customer: *angrily* “How do I know if I need to evacuate when the TV only shows me this ERROR?!”