(Note: I am working on the technical support phone line at a large computer reseller.)

Customer: “Hi, I’ve bought a new computer from you guys and it’s brilliant. Unfortunately, you’ve made a small mistake.”

Me: “Sorry about that. What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “The DVD drive is upside down. It still works, but I have to hold in the discs while I close the drive.”

Me: *confused* “Okay… well, bring it in and I’ll get it sorted while you wait.”

(Half an hour later, I’m covering the returns desk while my colleague is on break. The customer I spoke to on the phone comes up with his computer and places it on the returns desk.)

Customer: “Someone said they’d fix this for me. The DVD drive is upside down.”

Me: *turns computer up the right way*

(The customer was so embarrassed he took his computer and ran out out of the store!)

Customer: “Hey man, you do printers? I got this printer here. It doesn’t work, doesn’t print, doesn’t take paper, and just says ‘carriage jam.’ How much you tryin’ to charge me here?”

Me: “Whoa, hold on. Let’s take a look. It’s usually just a piece of paper in there. No big deal.”

(I plug the printer in, load up some scrap paper to test it on, and hit the copy button. It makes a makes a horrible grinding noise and shakes so hard the front panel pops open.)

Me: “Okay, that’s not a piece of paper. Any idea what happened?”

Customer: “No, man. I was just printing… uh… pictures, man… just nothing for work, you know?”

(I open all the access doors and start pushing against the rollers. I see a gray object with a headphone jack and a screen on it stuck way down into the mechanism.)

Me: “Sir, have you lost a cell phone recently?”

Customer: “No, man. It’s not a cell phone. It’s a printer, man. PRIN-TER.”

Me: “No, I know. It’s just… you seem to have a cellphone stuck down in there.”

I turn the printer around and show the customer. I eventually get his cellphone out, and as I go to print his receipt and he powers up his phone. Suddenly, the customer starts screaming, scaring everyone in the store.)

Customer: “That b****! F***ing w****! It’s HIS phone!” *breaks the phone*

(The customer gets a grip on himself and manages to pay his bill.)

Customer: “Knew it! F***ing knew it!” *walks out the store, minus his printer or cellphone*

(A customer calls to inquire about location services/maps on his smartphone.)

Customer: “So, how do I get it to tell me where to go?”

Me: “Well, it’s Google Maps, so it’ll show your location, but it won’t give your step-by-step instructions as you drive or walk.

Customer: “So, what, you’re saying there’s no satellite navigation on the phone?”

Me: “No, sorry!”

Customer: “Then what’s the point of a phone?!”

Me: “Thank you for calling [company] Tech Support. My name is [name]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “The technician needs to come.”

Me: “Sorry about the issue you are having, what seems to be happening?”

Caller: ”It’s too bright!”

Me: “What seems to be too bright?”

Caller: ”The light!”

Me: “What light are you talking about?”

Caller: ”The light on the box!”

Me: “I’m sorry, what box are you referring to?”

Caller: ”Internet light!”

Me: “Is this the light to your modem or your computer?”

Caller: ”The light is too bright and I can’t sleep at night. I need the tech to come out and not make it bright!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. Have you tried turning the modem around to face a wall or put something over the lights?”

Caller: ”No, do you think that would work?”

Me: “Possibly.”

Caller: ”Well, I still want my other box back! It wasn’t bright!”

Me: “…”

(I have been trying to help a caller connect her new router up to accept all the wireless devices in her house, as she’s recently changed her internet supplier to us. It’s been almost 40 minutes and not going well, until this happens.)

Caller: “Well, you’re obviously not getting this! I’ll let my son explain because he’s been working on this for hours.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am, no problem.”

(The caller’s son gets on the phone.)

Caller’s Son: “Right…what’s happening is that my DS isn’t connecting due to our wireless having too high security, so I’ve been trying to drop it from whatever WPA it’s on down to WEP. However, to do this I need to log into the router settings using my IP address. I used the static IP address, but to actually log in I need a username and password. I checked on the internet and it says to use admin and password, but whenever I tried it just cleared both fields.”

Me: *slightly stunned* “Uh, well, what you could try is the router password that’s specific to you. It should be on the help sheet that came with the router itself.”

(Around twenty seconds later…)

Caller’s Son: “Ah, thanks very much. Cheers!

Me: “No problem. If you have any other queries, feel free to call us again.”

Caller’s Son: *hangs up*

Me: *to coworker* “I f***ing love tech savvy kids.”