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    Quick To Find Fault With Being Quick To Finding Fault

    | Manchester, England, UK | Bizarre, Time

    Me: “Hello. IT Help Desk. [My Name] speaking. How can I help?”

    Caller: “Yes. I logged a job the other day. It’s been resolved already, so I’d just like to close it.”

    (I proceed to take the reference number. I load the job up, thinking this will be a quick and easy call.)

    Me: “Okay. That’s all sorted for you. Is there anything else I can do for you today?”

    Caller: “Yes. I’d just like to ask. When I phoned the other day and logged this fault, someone came and fixed it five minutes later.”

    Me: “Well I’m… glad to hear that?”

    Caller: “No, but—why, when I wasted all that time trying to get through to you, did no one tell me it had already been logged?”

    Me: “Unfortunately, ma’am, we have a dozen staff taking hundreds of calls from thousands of users. If you tell us there’s a fault to log we can only take your word for it.”

    (This clearly wasn’t the right answer. The user gets more and more agitated.)

    Caller: “Yes, but, don’t you keep track of these things? Can’t you keep track of all these jobs? Why couldn’t someone have told me?”

    Me: “Ma’am, if you’d told us you didn’t know whether or not it was logged, we could’ve investigated. We could have spent time trying to ascertain if a call had already been made to us regarding the issue. We certainly couldn’t do that as a routine matter for every call we receive.”

    Caller: “I just don’t understand why the person I spoke to didn’t know! My time is very valuable. I’m a very busy person. I wasted a lot of time on that call!”

    (This goes back and forth for a while. We’re reaching the 10 minute mark.)

    Me: “I can only apologise again that we were unaware your fault had already been logged before you called. However, with all due respect, you didn’t know either. It is your printer. Also, even if we had told you, your complaint was about the length of time it took you to get through. It was time you would’ve wasted whether or not we logged your duplicate call. Finally, ma’am, your complaint is that you wasted your valuable time speaking to IT unnecessarily. Yet you’ve been going around in circles about this with me for 10 minutes now. I’m sorry, but I don’t know how else to answer your question. I am happy to hear that we were able to resolve your issue so quickly, though.”

    Caller: *click*

    Disk Driving The Credit Crunch

    | Elk Grove, CA, USA | Extra Stupid, Money, Technology

    (I am a brand new phone tech support agent for a well known computer company that prides itself in ‘ease of use’. This is my first call. As such, I have a trainer double jacked with me to listen and help.)

    Me: “Hello and thank you for calling Tech Support. My name is—”

    Customer: “You a**-holes! Gimme back my credit card now!”

    Me: “Excuse me? I’m sorry, ma’am. I don’t understand what you mean.”

    Customer: “You know exactly what I mean! You took my credit card and I want it back right f****** now!”

    Me: “I do apologize, but I’m still not exactly sure what you mean. How did we steal your credit card?”

    Customer: “Your stupid f****** computer asked for my credit card and now it won’t give it back!”

    Me: “Once again I do apologize, but I’m still not sure exactly how we took your credit card. What were you doing when we took it?”

    Customer: “I was setting up the internet and you f****** took it!?”

    Me: “Was someone helping you at the store and they took it while setting up the internet?”

    Customer: “No, you god-d*** moron! I was setting it up at home and when it asked for my credit card info I put it into the credit card slot on the computer. Now this piece of s*** won’t give it back!”

    Me: “Ma’am, our computers don’t come with credit card readers.”

    Customer: “Of course it does! It has a slot right on the front for it.”

    (At this point I realize the customer has put her card in the disk drive. After walking her through several steps I have to refer her to a service center to get the card removed.)

    Me: “So, once again, I do apologize for the inconvenience this has caused. You will need to take your computer to one of our service centers so that one of our techs may remove your card.”

    Customer: “I can’t f****** believe this! I’m reporting you and I’ll have you run out of business!”

    (The customer hangs up. I turn to my trainer.)

    Me: “Are all my calls gonna be that crazy?”

    Trainer: “Only if you’re lucky.”

    The Customer Is Always Right-Click

    | USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (A user leaves me a couple of long, painful, voicemail messages about her computer not working at all.)

    User: “I can’t close windows, I can’t click anything, and I can’t respond to important emails!”

    (I remotely connect to her computer, check everything out, and everything looks good. I assume that she had restarted her computer, found everything okay, and just forgot to tell me. I receive another call from her.)

    User: “My computer is in utter chaos!”

    (Again, I remotely connect into her computer, and everything looks okay. I go to see her computer in person, and luckily, she is there.)

    Me: “Can you show me the problem?”

    User: “Of course, look!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I can see the immediate problem.”

    User: “What is it!?”

    Me: “You’re right-clicking on everything.”

    He Must Be A Theorist

    | USA | Extra Stupid, Math & Science, Technology

    (I support the scientists in a large research building. I get a call from one of them.)

    Caller: “I need help removing my extended absence greeting from my voice mail.”

    Me: “Okay, to do that you need to login to your voicemail and select option 4.”

    Caller: “How do you do that?”

    Me: “You press 4.”

    Caller: “I don’t know how to do that. Can I get an onsite visit?”

    Me: “We can’t generate an onsite visit for this issue; however, if you go to our intranet site there is a chart with all the menu options.”

    Caller: “That’s too complicated.”

    Me: “…you’re a scientist with several Ph.D.’s.”

    Rage Against The Machine

    | Tempe, AZ, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. My name is [Name]. May I please get the phone number associated with the account you are calling about?”

    Caller: *enters phone number without saying anything*

    Me: “…I’m sorry; I need you to tell me the phone number, please.”

    Caller: *again enters the phone number without saying anything*

    Me: “…Hello. This is a live person, not the automated system. I need you to actually tell me the phone number, not enter it on the phone, please.”

    Caller: *to someone in the background* “It’s not working! Just hang up and we’ll try again.”

    Me: “Hello. I can hear you. I’m a live person, if you—”

    Caller: *click*


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