Customer: “I want a printer that doesn’t take ink.”

Me: “You mean, like a laser printer that takes toner?”

Customer: “No, I want one that you don’t have to put ink in.”

Me: “As in, you never need to replace the cartridges?”

Customer: “Exactly.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. That’s not possible.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Conservation of mass?”

Me: “Thank you for calling tech support. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I am entering a software registration key. I do not know how to enter a backwards ‘E’.”

Me: “For a game?”

Customer: “Yes, for registering a game. It’s a product registration number on the manual. A backwards ‘E’.”

Me: “Are you sure it’s not a ‘3’?”

Me: “Thank you for calling tech support. Can you verify the name on your account, please?”

Customer: “No, I can not. My box is not working, and I want a replacement sent to me tomorrow.”

Me: “If you need an equipment replacement, I can definitely have one sent to you. However, before I can do that, I will need to do a few troubleshooting steps with you.”

Customer: “My name is [name]! I have no picture, the box is on, and all I see is snow!”

Me: “A snowy picture usually means there is an issue with the cabling, but can also be simply the TV is on the wrong channel. Have you checked these out?”

Customer: “Do you think I’m stupid? The TV channel never changes, and the cables are still tight! Here, listen!”

(I hear a banging sound.)

Customer: “Get me a new box, now!”

(After asking a few more questions, I start the process to have a replacement sent. Out of curiosity, I ask what I was hearing
earlier.)

Customer: “I grabbed the cables behind the TV. They were all tight.”

Me: “Would you mind following the cable from the equipment to the TV, checking for frays? That could also cause the signal to not get through.”

Customer: “Fine! Whatever, but there is no problem.”

(The customer puts his phone down with a slam. I listen as he bangs around loudly, cussing the entire time about how stupid I am. After a few seconds, I hear the TV blare on, and the line disconnects.)

(We require members to authenticate their account before troubleshooting. If they don’t know their 4 digit pass-code, we have a security question.)

Me: “Well, sir, if you aren’t sure of your pass-code, I do have a security question. If you can answer that, we’ll be all set.”

Customer: “Okay, what is it?”

Me: “Who is your favorite actor?”

Customer: “Uh…well…Barack Obama?”

Caller: “I am a year behind on the current week. How do I close the week?”

Me: “I can help you with that. You go to ‘File’, then ‘Close current week’.”

Caller: “I don’t have ‘File’.”

Me: “Hmm…then you must not have access to this function. Can you log in as the supervisor?”

Caller: “I am logged in as the supervisor.”

Me: “You’re sure you don’t have ‘File’? It should be listed at the top right.”

Caller: “Let me tell you what have. I have ‘File’, ‘View’, ‘Employee’, ‘Period’-”

Me: “That’s it there. Please choose ‘File’.”

Caller: “I don’t have ‘File’.”

Me: “But, you just said you had ‘File’.”

Caller: “No, it’s not there.”

Me: “Please call out what you have again at the top.”

Caller: “I have ‘File’, ‘View’, ‘Emplo’-”

Me: “That’s it. You have ‘File’. Please choose ‘File’ from the top left.”

Caller: *frustrated* “But, I don’t have ‘File’! I already told you!”

Me: *clears throat* “Please read out what you have again. Very…slowly.”

Caller: “Okay. I have ‘File’, Vi-”

Me: “Stop there, please. What was that?”

Caller: “I have Fi-”

Me: “You have ‘File’?”

Caller: “I have ‘File’.”

(I pause, hoping this allows the caller to get it.)

Caller: “Oh, you mean THIS ‘File’!”

Me: *cheerily* “Yes!”

Caller: “I click on this one?”

Me: “Yes, please.”

Caller: “Oh, that’s the one! Thank you so much!”

(A customer is calling in with internet problems.)

Me: “Let me reset some of your equipment. It works best if your modem is off. Can you flip off the power switch for me?”

Customer: “Is something supposed to change when I do that?”

Me: “The LED’s on the front of the modem should go dark.”

Customer: “They’re still on. I’ve been giving it the middle finger for 30 seconds now, and the lights are still on.”

Related:
Acting Flippantly, Part 2
Acting Flippantly

Me: “Hello, sir. You’ve reached [company]‘s technical support.”

Customer: “Hello! My computer seems to be having some issues. I used your software just the other day and suddenly, ah…wait a minute.”

(There is a significant pause.)

Customer: “How do you make it go?”

Me: “The software? Well, you can look for the icon on your desktop, or you can use the search-”

Customer: “No, no! The box! The, the uh, computer!”

Me: “Uh…press the power button?”

(A considerable pause follows.)

Customer: “Liar.”

Me: “Good afternoon, [Software Company] Tech Support. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I have a complaint about your software. My employees keep exiting the files without saving. I need you to fix that problem with your software.”

Me: “Sir, when you pick to exit the application, it asks you if you are sure you want to exit without saving.”

Customer: “I know. I think they are just hitting enter at the question.”

Me: “Sir, the default is no.”

Customer: “Well, they must be answering yes.”

Me: “I’m not sure how we can change the software to make it easier for your employees to understand.”

Customer: “Can you add a second box after the first box, asking if they are really sure they want to lose what they just entered?”

Me: “I can put that request in, sir. But I doubt that development will change the software.”

Customer: “Why not?! It’s a bug in your software! I want it fixed!”