(A student calls in to the tech support line for our college’s online student records system.)

Student: “Yeah, I forgot my password, and the system is not accepting the information to set a new one.”

Me: “Ok, let me see if I can try it. Can I have your name, DOB, and SSN?”

Student: *gives me the info*

Me: “Hmm, it doesn’t appear to work for me either.”

(I look in our database for anything remotely close with his info, but nothing turns up.)

Me: “Sir, it looks as though you are not in our system. Did you even apply to our college?”

Student: “Yes! What kind of stupid question is that? I applied to [another university] over six months ago.”

Me: “Sir, what city and state do you take classes at?”

Student: “Omaha, Nebraska.”

Me: “Yeah, our college is located in Missouri. I think you have the wrong college.”

Student: “No, I think YOU have the wrong student!”

Me: “You called us, remember?”

Student: *click*

Me: Hello, my name is ****. How may I assist you today?

Customer: “Yeah, I’m trying to watch the baseball game, but it’s in Spanish. I don’t speak Spanish.”

Me: “OK sir, have you tried to remove the SAP function on the TV? If you don’t know how, I can walk–”

Customer: “Listen, I have had you people tell me this over and over again! I want a valid reason the game is in Spanish, and none of this ‘SAP’ junk.”

Me: *gives up* “Well sir, the real reason is many of the players are not from America. How are they supposed to know what’s going on if the game is broadcast in English?

Customer: “Thank you! At least one person there knows what’s going on. Have a nice day.”

Me: “…”

(A customer calls in having trouble logging into her email.)

Me: “Okay, let’s try typing the password into a text program like Notepad or Word. Then, we can copy and paste it into the password box.”

Caller: “Copy and paste?”

Me: “Yeah, it’s just a quick–”

Caller: “COPY AND PASTE? What the h***?! I have a secretary so that I don’t have to learn copy and f***ing paste!”

Me: “If you calm down, it’s really very easy.”

Caller: *hangs up phone*

Me: “Thank you for calling customer support.”

Customer: “Hi. I need some help figuring out this thing. I’m not very familiar with electronics.” *pause* “YOU’RE A FRAUD AND I’M GOING TO THE BETTER BUSINESS BUREAU RIGHT NOW!”

Me: “Excuse me, sir, I don’t believe that’s necessary. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Oh, my friend said you’d only be useful if I scared you. How do I charge my unit?”

Me: “Thanks for calling ****. This is ****, how may I help you?”

Customer: “When I try to change my password, I’m typing and it’s just making stars.”

Me: “OK…that’s normal. It’s a security feature to prevent someone standing behind you from seeing what you’re typing.”

Customer: “But there’s no one standing behind me…”

Me: “…”

Me: “Thank you for calling Tech Support, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi – could you send me one of your free connection CDs?”

Me: “Sure!”

(I pull up her account and see that she’s already ordered 50 copies.)

Me: “Uh, ma’am? It seems you’ve already requested several CDs. Is there a reason you need another?”

Customer: “Well, yes! I used up the other CDs already.”

Me: “Ma’am, you can re-use the CDs. Have you been throwing them away?”

Customer: “No. I put them into the little slot and they just slide in, and the computer keeps them. I thought it was like a bus ticket!”

(I recommended that she go to a local repair shop. They in turn removed almost 100 CDs from the inside of her case.)

Me: “Thank you for calling ***, this is ***, how can I help you?”

Customer: *yelling* “IS THIS TECH SUPPORT?!”

Me: “Yes ma’am, it is. How can I help you?”

Customer: “My internets are broken and I need you to fix it now.”

Me: “OK, what’s your account number?”

Customer: “Ugh. You can’t just see it?”

Me: “No Ma’am, I have to look it up in our database.”

Customer: “S***. Fine, it’s ***.”

Me: “All right, just a moment here while I bring up the info…”

Customer: “Just hurry it up, will you?”

Me: “OK, it’s coming up now…”

Customer: *sneezes*

(About 10 seconds pass in silence. I can hear children talking in the background.)

Customer: “Excuse me…”

(I stay quiet, assuming she’s talking to the children.)

Customer: “EXCUSE ME!”

Me: “Sorry, were you speaking to me?”

Customer: “YES YOU IDIOT! WHAT THE F*** is WRONG with you people?”

Me: “I’m sorry? I’m not sure I understand…”

Customer: “I SNEEZED AND YOU DIDN’T BLESS ME! WHAT ARE YOU, SOME KIND OF ATHEIST?! DON’T YOU REALIZE WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF YOU DON’T BLESS SOMEONE WHEN THEY SNEEZE?”

Me: “Actually, ma’am, I really don’t, but I apol–”

Customer: *interrupting* “YOU’RE A F***ING HEATHEN! I HOPE YOU BURN IN H*** FOR THIS YOU…” *continues screaming*

Me: “Ma’am, I apologize if I’ve offended. I’ve found your account information, and it looks like your service was terminated three months ago.”

Customer: “YES! THAT’S HOW LONG IT’S BEEN DOWN – WHY CAN’T YOU FIX IT?!”

Me: “Because you don’t have an account with us anymore. You were canceled because of non-payment. If you’d like, I can transfer you to billing, and–”

Customer: *unintelligible screaming then hangs up*

(A man calls in and leaves the following voicemail…)

Caller: “Hello, you shysters! You have forty-eight hours to call me or I’ll have the RCMP come and arrest you for fraud. That’s right, the Mounties are coming!”

Me, to manager: “So, a man is going to have the Mounties arrest me.”

Manager: “Really. Can they do that?”

Me: “Not in Utah.”

Manager: *laughs*

Me: “It gets better. I gave him the support number and the only people answering phones are in Australia or New Zealand. I’d like to see him sic the Mounties on THEM.”

Manager: “Let me know if he does!”

Tech Support: “Thank you for calling ****. This is ****, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Oh my God, my water pipes burst open over my server room! What the h*** do I do?!”

Tech Support: “Your office water pipes burst over your server room?”

Customer: “Yes! What the h*** do I do?!”

Tech Support: “Call the fire department! Why are you calling me?!”

Customer: “Hi, I just brought this machine. I hooked it up as per the manual and it won’t turn on.”

Me: “Did you plug it in?”

Customer: “Of course. I’m not an idiot.”

Me: “Did you turn off the surge-master?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Double-checked all the wires?”

Customer: “For God’s sake, YES! It was fairly simple; it’s all color-coded. You’d have to be a moron to make a mistake.”

Me: “OK…why don’t you tell me what you did?”

Customer: “I unpacked it, plugged all the wires in, and then plugged it into my outlet.”

Me: “Then?”

Customer: “Then I put the accelerator on the floor and stepped on it.”

Me: “…ma’am, there is no accelerator on your computer…”

Customer: “Yes there is! It’s that thing that has two buttons on either side, and that little wheel on the bottom!”

(In case it wasn’t obvious, she had stepped on the mouse.)