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    Book You In For Six (Feet Under)

    | New Mexico, USA |

    (My boss passed away earlier this year. Her phone forwards to mine so that I can redirect individuals that need assistance.)

    Customer: “Hi, can I speak to Dr. ***?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, Dr. *** passed away earlier this year. Is there something I can help you with instead?”

    Customer: “No, I think I’ll just call back. When do you think she’ll be in?”

    Me: “Ma’am, she passed away.”

    Customer: “Right…so when will she be in?  Can I call back tomorrow?”

    Me: “Ma’am, she’s dead.”

    Customer: “Oh…how about Monday then?”

    When Open Source Meets Closed Minds

    , | California, USA |

    Caller: “I need to report a very serious computer crime! The local university is running an illegal computer system!”

    Me: “Could you please repeat that?”

    Caller: “The local university is running an illegal computer system! They’ve hacked it!”

    Me: “How could you tell they’d hacked it?”

    Caller: “Well, when it booted, it didn’t say Windows or Microsoft or anything! It said something about Deviant Linux, I think, and the main screen looked nothing like my good, legal Windows screen at home! I think they hacked that, too!”

    Me: “Do you mean Debian Linux?”

    Caller: “Yes, that! Is it some sort of computer mafia or something?”

    Me: “Uh, no, it’s just a different operating system. Nothing to worry about.”

    Caller: “But it’s illegal! It’s not Microsoft, not even Windows! They’re on a normal Microsoft computer, so they’re breaking the law! I think they stole my identity when I came in the building! I’m calling the FBI!” *hangs up*

    Saved By The Boss

    | Summerville, SC, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling tech support. What can I–”

    Caller: “F*** YOU, B****! YOU G**D*** WOMEN HAVE NO F***ING RIGHT TO BELITTLE ME! B****!”

    Me: “Um, sir, I think you have the wrong–”

    Caller: “I SAID F*** YOU!”

    Me: “Sir, this is tech support.”

    Caller: “What?! Um…I mean…um…” *click*

    (A few moments later, the phone rings again and I answer.)

    Me: “Hello, tech support. What may I–”

    Same caller: “F*** YOU!”

    Me: “Sir, you have the wrong number.”

    Same caller: *click*

    (My boss who has been observing this the whole time decides to step in.)

    Boss, to me: “I’ll handle the phone now.”

    (Not surprisingly, the phone rings again. My boss picks it up, and before the guy on the other end can say anything…)

    Boss: “Sir, if you keep pressing redial, you will keep reaching the wrong number.”

    Same caller: “Oh, s***!” *click*

    (He didn’t call back.)

    How About Some TechiFlu

    | Torrance, CA, USA |

    Customer: “Hi, I had my computer looked at there, and you guys said that it’s running slow because there are probably bugs in it. Well, I sprayed some bug spray in it and now it won’t turn on.”

    Me: “Ma’am, when they tell you bugs, they mean computer viruses, not an actual bug.”

    Customer: “Well, what can I spray it with to get rid of the viruses?”

    Disappointed By A Lack Of Disappointment, Part 2

    | Kennewick, WA, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling Tech Support, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “My device won’t charge!”

    Me: “Okay, is it plugged in right now?”

    Customer: “No, but it doesn’t charge!”

    Me: “Okay, ma’am, just to cover all the bases, can you plug it back in for me?”

    Customer: “Okay, but it won’t charge!” *pause* “G** D*** it! It’s charging!”

    Me: “Well, it sounds like it was a one-time glitch, but if it gives you any more problems, please call us right away so we can get it fixed for you, okay?”

    Customer: “I’m not going to call you back! You’re just going to make it work again!”

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    Disappointed By A Lack Of Disappointment

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