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  • Your Connection Is Totally Forked
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    Cookie Cutter Response

    | Perth, Australia |

    Me: “Tech support, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Why are you holding my website to ransom?”

    Me: “Sorry?”

    Customer: “I pay you good money every month and now you’re holding my site to ransom to sell your cookies!”

    Me: “Pardon me?”

    Customer: “I went to my site and when I tried to add to cart, it came up saying I couldn’t until I bought some cookies! I never agreed to this and I’m going to sue!”

    Me: “Sir, cookies is just a computing term. What you saw was the page explaining that you have cookies switched off and telling you how to turn them on.”

    Customer: “Cookies! Blackberries! Well I don’t know these kind of technical things!”

    You Are The Weakest Link

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada |

    Me: “Tech support, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “My [expletive] Internet is down, what’s wrong with you people?!”

    Me: “Well, let’s find out ma’am. Do you mind troubleshooting a bit to find out what the problem is?”

    Caller: *huge sigh* “Fine, but I’ve checked everything already.”

    Me: “Okay. First, let’s look at your modem lights. Do you see the link light on?”

    Caller: “No. No lights are on.”

    Me: “Alright. Can you check the power cable to see if it’s plugged in?”

    Caller: “I can’t see anything, the power is out.”

    Me: “Well, that might be our problem then.”

    Caller: “What the h*** are you talking about?! This is the exact reason I bought a laptop–for it to work when there is a power outage!”

    Me: “Right, but where does your internet connection come from?”

    Caller: “My phone line.”

    Me: “Right, and where is that plugged into?”

    Caller: “My modem.”

    Me: “Right.”

    (There’s a pretty lengthy pause, during which I swear I can hear the gears grinding in her head.)

    Caller: “F***!” *click*

    Refreshingly Stupid

    | Washington, USA |

    Caller: “So, my item has been stuck in the shopping cart with the little thingy spinning for the last 20 minutes.”

    Me: “By any chance have you tried refreshing your screen?”

    Caller: “Of course. I’ve tried that three times now.”

    Me: “And what happened when you refreshed sir?”

    Caller: “The screen went black then came back on the screen with the spinny-thingy.”

    Me: “Sir, it sounds like your turning your monitor on and off, not refreshing the screen.”

    Caller: “Well, it looks refreshed to me!”

    It’s Going To Be A Long Day

    | Oregon, USA |

    Me: “What type of internet do you have?”

    Customer: “Internet Explorer.”

    Me: “No, sorry, I meant what type of internet, like your ISP?”

    Customer: “Internet.”

    Me: “No, what type.”

    Customer: “Uh…modem?”

    Me: “What kind of modem?”

    Customer: “Black.”

    Me: “Is it plugged into a phone cable or a coaxial cable? Like a cable you’d plug into your TV.”

    Customer: “It’s plugged in to…the wall.”

    Related:
    A Sign Of A Long Day

    Book You In For Six (Feet Under)

    | New Mexico, USA |

    (My boss passed away earlier this year. Her phone forwards to mine so that I can redirect individuals that need assistance.)

    Customer: “Hi, can I speak to Dr. ***?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, Dr. *** passed away earlier this year. Is there something I can help you with instead?”

    Customer: “No, I think I’ll just call back. When do you think she’ll be in?”

    Me: “Ma’am, she passed away.”

    Customer: “Right…so when will she be in?  Can I call back tomorrow?”

    Me: “Ma’am, she’s dead.”

    Customer: “Oh…how about Monday then?”

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