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    If At First You Don’t Succeed, White Lie Again

    | Canada | Top

    (Note: I help callers with connection problems to our wireless zones along train lines.)

    Me: “Hello, tech support. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “I can’t access your network!”

    Me: “I’m sorry about that, let me help you. Where are you currently, sir?”

    Caller: “I’m traveling in between [city] and [another city].”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry sir, but there is maintenance being done in that zone. You will have to wait 20 minutes until you are back in a working zone.”

    Caller: “What can I do?”

    Me: “Just wait till the train is a bit farther on, and you will have a connection again.”

    Caller: “This is terrible! Where’s your manager?”

    Me: “Sir, it’s 4 am so I’m the only one working.”

    (The customer hangs up, but then calls back again.)

    Me: “Hello, tech support. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “F***!”

    (Once again, he hangs up, and once again, he calls back.)

    Me: “Hello, tech support. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “F***!”

    (Again, he hangs up, and again, he calls back.)

    Me: “Hello, tech support. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “Look, I have some important stuff to watch here. Can you fix the internet?”

    Me: “If you just wait 10 minutes sir, your internet will work again.”

    Caller: “So, in my zone, there’s no internet?”

    Me: “That’s right, sir.”

    Caller: “Can’t you move the satellite so I do have internet?”

    Me: “You want me to go into space and move the satellite?”

    Caller: *cheerily* “Yeah, that’s right!”

    Me: “Umm…well, that might take me a little bit of time, sir. I’ll have to call NASA and they’re very busy these days.”

    Caller: “Oh. How long do you think it’ll take?”

    Me: “About 10 minutes.”

    Caller: “That’s great! Thank you.” *hangs up*

    A State Of Mindlessness

    | Perth, Australia |

    (Note: I’m providing tech support over the phone to a customer.)

    Me: “Okay, so we’re just going to need your phone number before I can go any further.”

    Caller: “Okay, it’s **** ****.”

    Me: “…and your area code?”

    Caller: “Huh?”

    Me: “What state are you in?”

    Caller: “Say again?”

    Me: “What state?”

    Caller: “Sober?”

    That’s The Way The Keyboard Crumbles

    | Anaheim, CA, USA |

    Customer, over the phone: “Hi, could you check out my computer? I think something is wrong with the keyboard.”

    Me: “Okay, do you have any idea what it might be?”

    Customer: “No, I just know that it has to be the keyboard. Everything else seems fine.”

    Me: “Okay, I’ll be over later.”

    (I drive to the woman’s house. She lets me in and shows me her desk.)

    Me: “Well, first off, your space bar is upside-down.”

    Customer: “I‚Ķuh‚Ķwasn’t gonna tell you that. Didn’t know if it’d be important.”

    (I remove the upside-down space bar.)

    Me: “Your keyboard is full of crumbs. Have you been eating over it?”

    Customer: “Well, I wasn’t gonna tell you that either.”

    (I grab a can of air and blow the crumbs out.)

    Me: “That‚Äôs weird, they’re not coming out. It’s sticky inside. Did you recently spill soda into this?”

    Customer: “Oh, I wasn’t gonna tell you all of this. I thought you’d get mad and not come.”

    Me: “Listen, there’s really nothing I can do. I’m sorry, you’ll need a whole new keyboard.”

    Customer: “See! I told you you’d just up and leave if I told you!”

    The CDs Are Full But The Mind Is Blank

    | Durham, NC, USA |

    Me: “Alright sir, I looked at your computer and it looks like you need to reinstall your office software before we can proceed.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay.”

    Me: “Can you show me where your software installation CDs are?”

    Customer: “My what?”

    Me: “The CDs that your office software came on when you first bought them.”

    Customer: “Oh, I threw those out.”

    Me: “Why? Was there something wrong with them?”

    Customer: “No, of course not. I installed the software and then threw out the empty discs.”

    Microsoft Works – Part 2

    | Salt Lake City, UT, USA |

    Customer: “My computer keeps stopping.”

    Me: “Stopping?”

    Customer: “Well, yeah. I click on things and nothing happens.”

    Me: “Have you rebooted the machine?”

    Customer: “No. Actually, I’ve got a lot of websites open. Do you think I’ve run out of Windows?”

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