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  • Acting Rashly

    | Northampton, MA, USA |

    Me: “Hi, this is [college] help desk. What can I do for you?

    Caller: *sobbing* “You have got to help me!”

    Me: “Okay, miss. What seems to be the problem?”

    Caller: “I have this huge rash all over my butt!”

    Me: “Miss, you do realize this is a tech help desk…like, for computers?”

    Caller: “But I don’t know who else to call!”

    Me: “Well, you could try health services. I can get you the number.”

    Caller: “No, I already called them.”

    Me: “And they couldn’t help you?”

    Caller: “They wanted me to come in! But I don’t want people to know. Can’t you just tell me how to get rid of it?”

    Me: “Miss, I honestly have no idea. I’ve never had your…problem.”

    Caller: “What about your friends?”

    Me: “Well, none that I know of.”

    Caller: “Oh my God, I AM a freak!” *hangs up while still sobbing*

    The Router To Success

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA | Top

    Customer: “My internet seems to be out. Most of the lights on the modem are blinking. I tried unplugging it and plugging it back in. Then I started yelling at it, now I’m out of ideas.”

    Me: “Have you tried a manual reset?”

    Customer: “Again, I did the ‘unplug and wait three minutes before plugging it back in’ thing.”

    Me: “Yes, but there is a manual on/off button on the back of the router.”

    Customer: *silence* “OH MY GOD! Well…let it be known that I acknowledge my own stupidity and I hope this experience hasn’t damaged your faith in humanity too severely.”

    Me: “No problem sir. I’m glad we could get it resolved and I hope you have a nice day.”

    Customer: “Well, I’m brain dead…” *hangs up*

    The Lights Are Off, But Sadly Someone’s Home

    | Kentucky, USA |

    Me: “Hi, thank you for calling [cell phone company]. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Yeah, my phone is frozen and I can’t seem to get it do anything.”

    Me: “Seems like we need to do a soft reset. Take off the back cover and look for a little hole that says reset next to it.”

    Customer: “I don’t see it.”

    Me: “Okay, follow the line down to it that’s next to the battery.”

    Customer: “I still can’t find it.”

    (After 25 minutes and several failed attempts at trying to find the reset button…)

    Customer: “Oh, wait a minute…I think I know why. The lights are off in here.”

    Me: “The…lights are off?”

    Customer: “Give me a few moments and I’ll walk to the next room.”

    Belaboring The Points

    | Springfield, MA, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling ***, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, yes. I just got back from surgery and I can’t remember my email password.”

    Me: “Sure, I’ll be glad to help. Let me pull up your account and we can reset your password.”

    (We proceed with a very routine process of setting a new email password. About halfway through, she bursts out laughing.)

    Customer: “I’m sorry. My coworkers just handed me a card congratulating me on the new twins. I guess you can tell what kind of surgery I had, huh?”

    Me: “I gu–”

    Customer: “I’ve got BOOBS!”

    Power Struggle

    | South Carolina, USA |

    (A customer calls in complaining how his service is out.)

    Me: “Are there lights on your modem?

    Caller: “No.”

    Me: “Can you check to see if the power cable is plugged in, or the power turned on?”

    Caller: “I am standing knee-deep in water and you want me to check for a power cable?!”

    (It turns out he had been calling from an area that had been hit by a hurricane.)

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