November Theme Of The Month: Black Friday!

Accountants And Their Blue Tape

| Leicester, UK | Rude & Risque, Technology, Uncategorized

(A client calls us requesting we email him a scan of a document. We promptly send this over to him and he calls back almost immediately.)

Client: “This scan you have sent me only has one page of the document and the rest of it is pornography!”

Me: “I’m sorry? There is certainly no chance that this contains any pornography. It looks perfectly fine from our end.

Client: “But there is. I am looking at it right now!”

Me: “Which button are you clicking?  The one that says ‘Next Page’ or ‘Next Document’?”

Client: “Why does that matter?”

Me: “Well if you are clicking Next Document, you are currently looking at all of the pornography that you have recently been viewing on your computer.”

Client: “F***!” *hangs up*

It Captchas Spam And Cookies

| Soderhamn, Sweden | Technology, Uncategorized

(I work for a well-known anti-virus company. An customer calls in to ask about the difference in her product and the other ones we carry.)

Caller: “So what about the cheapest one?”

Me: “It’s got the anti-virus protection, but it doesn’t protect you from net phishing.”

Caller: “I see, so what about the one that I’m using right now?”

Me: “Basically you’ve got both the anti-virus components and also a firewall, which is the recommended one for an average user.”

Caller: “Oh, I see. So the firewall will protect the computer from catching on fire?”

Demand A Battery Of Tests ASAP

| Boston, MA, USA | Uncategorized

(A customer comes to pick up a phone they had dropped off for repair.)

Customer: “I’m so glad it is working! What was the problem?”

Me: “It just needed to be charged.”

Customer: “No, it was fully charged Friday and then just died.  There must be something else wrong with it. Please look at it further.”

Me: “Well I did. The battery was at 0%, in fact, you still will need to charge it for quite a while. It is working though.”

Customer: “No, you keep it and keep looking.” *leaves*

(The customer comes back two hours later. A co-worker handles it.)

Customer: “So is it okay?”

Coworker: “Yes, it turns out there was a problem with the phone’s N.R.G. We have corrected it.”

Customer: “So that explains it!”

A Smoking Computer Is Always A Bad Sign

| Norrkoping, Sweden | Uncategorized

Caller: “My bong isn’t working!”

Me: “I’m not sure what you mean, ma’am. Could you explain what your problem is?”

Caller: “I told you! My bong is broken!”

Me: “Your bong, ma’am?”

Caller: “Yes the bong that goes in to the computer for my internet!”

Me: “Oh, do you mean your ‘dongle’?”

Caller: “Yes! That thing!”

Even Professors Fail At Pass(Words)

| St. Paul, MN, USA | Uncategorized

(I am a student worker at my university’s IT help desk. Professors’ passwords are set to expire every 90 days. A professor having connection problems informs me he hasn’t changed his password in months.)

Me: “Oh, okay! I think that’s the issue here. Your password has probably expired and…”

Professor: “Expired?!”

Me: “Yes, they’re set to expire every 90 days for security.”

Professor: “90 days! Why don’t you tell us these things?”

Me:”I’m so sorry, usually we email professors at the beginning of term.”

Professor: “Well, you didn’t tell me! I didn’t get any emails from you people!”

Me: “I’m very sorry. Let me reset your password for you now so that you can connect.”

(I reset his password and write it down for him.)

Professor: “What the h*** is this?”

Me: “That’s the pound sign.”

Professor: “I know what it is! Why is it in my password?”

Me: “It’s a regulation from our administration. Your password has to have letters, numbers and special characters.”

Professor: “And when were you planning on telling us this?”

Me: “There should have been an email last week.”

Professor: “There was no email! Seriously, do you do anything? Where’s your boss? I need to speak with him.”

Me: “He’s out right now.”

Professor: “You need to let me know the moment he gets back.”

Me: “Of course. How should we notify you? We can send you an email?”

Professor: “Don’t email me. God! I never read those. Call my office phone.”