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    Phishing For Answers

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA |

    Me: “This is [company name].”

    Customer: “Hi, who’s this?”

    Me: “Are you calling for tech support?”

    Customer: “Oh, I guess it’s the wrong number. Well, what do you guys do?”

    Me: “We’re an online virtual conferencing company. We allow you to host meetings online with webcams and slideshows.”

    Customer: “Oh, that’s cool, anything else you do, other features?”

    Me: “We also have a feature that lets you remotely take control of another person’s computer, or show them your own.”

    Customer: “Oh really? That’s pretty awesome. So can you take control of anybody’s computer?”

    Me: “Yeah, as long as their system supports the software.”

    Customer: “So, can you do it without their permission…like, can you use it to hack into somebody’s computer with it?”

    Me: “No, guests must be attending the conference and give permission for this.”

    Customer: “Oh, I’m not interested then.” *click*

    On The Need For Hazard Pay, Part 3

    | San Marcos, TX, USA |

    Me: “This is Internet tech support. What can I do for you?”

    Customer: “Uhm, yeah. I have a problem with my computer.”

    Me: “Okay, what seems to be the issue?”

    Customer: “There is a big vagina on the screen and I can’t get it off.”

    Me: “That would be an advanced support question. One moment while I transfer you…”

    Related:
    On The Need For Hazard Pay, Part 2
    On The Need For Hazard Pay

    All-In-Wonder

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA |

    Me: “IT Helpdesk at [university]. How can I assist you today?”

    Caller: “Hello, you folks were supposed to give me a new computer. I have a note on my desk with the new log-in and everything, but there’s no computer here!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. May I have your name so I can look up your ticket? ”

    (She gives me her name and I look her up in our work order system. I recognize the ticket, as I was the person who set-up the computer for her while she was out of the office.)

    Me: “Alright, ma’am, I’ve found your ticket. I was actually the tech who set this up for you. I know everything was delivered properly and I watched as the department secretary locked the door to your office when I was finished. But you’re saying that there’s no computer there now?”

    Caller: “Nope, no computer here. Just a keyboard, mouse and screen. The door was locked this morning when I came in.”

    Me: “Excuse me, ma’am, you said that there’s a keyboard, a mouse and a screen?”

    Caller: “Yes, a keyboard a mouse and a screen. No computer.”

    Me: “I think I see the problem. The computer that we upgraded you to is called an iMac. It doesn’t have a separate tower unit. The whole computer is there in that screen.”

    Caller: “No…”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

    Caller: “You cannot be serious!”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. I assure you.”

    Caller: “Are you trying to play a joke on me, young man?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. The whole computer is contained in that one unit. Have you tried turning it on? There should be a button on the back.”

    Caller: “No…you can’t be serious!”

    Me: “Please, just try turning on the computer. There should be a button on the back on the left-hand side.”

    Caller: “Hold on…”

    (In the background I hear the Apple boot sound.)

    Caller: “Goodness!”

    Me: “Alright, just follow the directions for logging in that I left for you. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

    Caller: “This is amazing, young man!”

    Me: “I’m glad! Let us know if there’s anything else you need. Have a nice day!”

    Caller: “I’m sure I will!”

    Read/Write/Think Error

    | Pensacola, FL, USA |

    Customer: “You said you were going to save all my data to the DVD! I can’t get anything!”

    Me: “I assure you, I saved it to that DVD.”

    Customer:“No, no! It’s still not there! It keeps telling me to insert the disk!”

    Me: “Well…did you put the DVD in the drive yet?”

    Customer: “No! Does it have to be there?”

    Me: “Yes, it does. You can’t view the contents of the DVD unless the drive is able to read the DVD.”

    Customer: “Well, that’s just silly!”

    If At First You Don’t Succeed, White Lie Again

    | Canada | Top

    (Note: I help callers with connection problems to our wireless zones along train lines.)

    Me: “Hello, tech support. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “I can’t access your network!”

    Me: “I’m sorry about that, let me help you. Where are you currently, sir?”

    Caller: “I’m traveling in between [city] and [another city].”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry sir, but there is maintenance being done in that zone. You will have to wait 20 minutes until you are back in a working zone.”

    Caller: “What can I do?”

    Me: “Just wait till the train is a bit farther on, and you will have a connection again.”

    Caller: “This is terrible! Where’s your manager?”

    Me: “Sir, it’s 4 am so I’m the only one working.”

    (The customer hangs up, but then calls back again.)

    Me: “Hello, tech support. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “F***!”

    (Once again, he hangs up, and once again, he calls back.)

    Me: “Hello, tech support. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “F***!”

    (Again, he hangs up, and again, he calls back.)

    Me: “Hello, tech support. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “Look, I have some important stuff to watch here. Can you fix the internet?”

    Me: “If you just wait 10 minutes sir, your internet will work again.”

    Caller: “So, in my zone, there’s no internet?”

    Me: “That’s right, sir.”

    Caller: “Can’t you move the satellite so I do have internet?”

    Me: “You want me to go into space and move the satellite?”

    Caller: *cheerily* “Yeah, that’s right!”

    Me: “Umm…well, that might take me a little bit of time, sir. I’ll have to call NASA and they’re very busy these days.”

    Caller: “Oh. How long do you think it’ll take?”

    Me: “About 10 minutes.”

    Caller: “That’s great! Thank you.” *hangs up*


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