Pot Calling (and Calling, and Calling) The Kettle Black

| Hollywood, FL, USA | Uncategorized

(Note: this phone call took place back when dial-up internet was more popular.)

Me: “Good afternoon, how may I help you?”

Customer: “This stupid modem doesn’t work.”

Me: “I’m sorry. What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “It doesn’t work! It’s stupid!”

Me: “Well, to fix it I need to know how it isn’t working. Is it turned on now?”

Customer: “How should I know if the stupid thing is on or not?”

Me: “Well, there’s an on/off switch on top, and a power light. Is the switch on and the light green?”

Customer: “Look, I don’t have time for all these stupid questions. I can just show you what it’s doing.”

Me: “You can show me how the modem isn’t working?”

Customer: “Yeah… listen!”

(Suddenly, there is the loud scream of a modem in my ear. After a moment the call disconnects. The customer calls back a minute later.)

Customer: “There! See what the stupid thing did?”

Me: “Yes, sir, you told the modem to dial while we were already talking on the line. It screamed in my ear and disconnected.”

Customer: “You see! This stupid thing does this every time I try to use it while I’m on the phone!”

Me: “Sir, you can’t use modem on the same line where you are already making a phone call.”

Customer: “What? I can’t have my phone line tied up every time I want to send a file! That’s stupid! This thing is a piece of sh*t!”

Me: “Sir, are you able to make a new telephone call when you are already talking on that line without hanging up on the first person or putting them on hold?”

Customer: “Of course not! Why would you even ask something stupid like that?”

Me: “Well, your modem can’t do so either.”

Customer: “That’s stupid!” *hangs up*

Unable To See The Global Picture

| Europe | Uncategorized

Customer: “Someone stole my satellite navigation. The police told me you can block it.”

Me: “I’m sorry, you were misinformed. Your satellite navigation can only receive a GPS signal. It does not transmit anything, so we are unable to find it, or disable it.”

Customer: “But they told me you can block the signal.”

Me: “Unfortunately, only the U.S. military can block GPS signals.”

Customer: “Well, can’t you call them?”

Me: “I am afraid not. They will only disable GPS use in times of war.”

Customer: “But, can’t you tell them my satellite navigation was stolen?”

Me: “If they disable GPS use, it is disabled for everyone, except the military.”

Customer: “So?”

Lack Of Grey Matter, Part 2

| Denver, CO, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Thank you for calling [company], how may I help you?”

Customer: “My computer monitor is broken.”

Me: “Okay, sir. What are the symptoms? Does it just not turn on?”

Customer: “The text is really hard to read.”

Me: “Just the text?”

Customer: “Yeah, everything else is fine. I think the backlight thing is dying.”

(I remote connect to the users machine.)

Me: “Is this what you’re talking about?” *uses the pointer on the screen*

Customer: “Yeah, the text right there in my email. It’s faded out. See that?”

Me: “Sir, your text color is set to grey.”

Customer: “I didn’t know the monitor could do that!”

Related:
Lack Of Grey Matter

Signs That It Is Going To Be A Long Day/Week/Month

| United Kingdom | Uncategorized

Me: “How can I help?”

Caller: “I can’t work out how to use your booking calendar. It’s very complicated.”

Me: “Okay, so tell me if there’s any red text beneath the calendar?”

Caller: “Yes there is. It says ‘click a start date to begin’.”

Me: “Okay, so click the date you’d like your booking to start.”

Caller: “Okay, done that. Now what?”

Me: “Has the text changed to say ‘Please click an end date’?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “So click the date you’d like your booking to end.”

Caller: “Okay, I’ve got a price! That’s great, but isn’t that rather complicated?”

Me: “How do you mean?”

Caller: “Well, why doesn’t it know the dates I want already?”

When Right Can Be Wrong

| Lindon, UT, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Sir, go ahead and right click on the icon. Now do you see that menu that appears when you right click?”

Customer: “Nothing happened.”

Me: “That’s alright. If you double click on the icon, does it open up the file?”

Customer: “Yeah, it opens it up. Just nothing happens when I right click.”

Me: “Ok, have you had any issues with right clicking before?”

Customer: “No, the mouse always clicks and opens whatever I click it on.”

Me: “Ok, try right clicking on the icon again.”

Customer: “It’s still doing nothing.”

Me: “Is your mouse cursor on the icon?”

Customer: “Yeah, but if I move it any further to the right, it won’t be on the icon anymore.”

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