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  • Always Time For A Rhyme
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  • TV On Demanding

    | Texas, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [satellite company]. How can I be of assistance?”

    Customer: “I need you to move the satellite, please.”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “Well, I want to watch the movie but we’re having a storm. Can you move the satellite closer so I can see the rest of the movie?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but the satellite is in space and I can’t just move it closer to you.”

    Customer: “Okay. Well, can you pause the channel until the storm is over then?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, that is a broadcast going to everyone at the same time. We cannot pause the broadcast.”

    Customer: “Okay, just replay the movie for me. I get home from work about 5, so if you could start it at 6 I’ll have time to make a bite to eat first.”

    Me: “Ma’am, that is not how the broadcast works.”

    Customer: “You’re just not helpful AT ALL!”

    Dissecting Lies, Brit By Brit

    | Vermont, USA |

    Me: “Hi, this is [tech center]. I’m [name] from Vermont. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “What’s Vermont? Is it a state?”

    Me: “Yes. It’s in New England.”

    Customer: “No it’s not. You’re lying!”

    Me: “No, miss. It was the 14th state to join the Union. It is definitely a state in New England.”

    Customer: “New England, you say? Well then why don’t you have a British accent?”

    And They Wonder Why We Charge By The Hour

    | Atlanta, GA, USA |

    Me: “Good afternoon. Thank you for calling [software company]. My name is ***, how can I help you today?”

    Customer: “I’m having trouble with my software.”

    Me: “Okay. What’s the issue?”

    Customer: “My data is gone.”

    Me: “When you say gone, what do you mean exactly?”

    Customer: “Well, when I open up my [database] my data is incorrect or missing.”

    Me: “Okay. There are a few tests that we can run on your data to see if we can pin-point the problem.”

    (I walk the customer through the steps of running the data test.)

    Customer: “The test is finished. It says, 11,383 data errors were found.”

    Me: “11,383?!”

    Customer: “Is that bad?”

    Microbrain

    | New York, NY, USA |

    Caller: “This f***ing computer won’t work!”

    Me: “Can you describe the problem?”

    Caller: “Whenever I click on something, this stupid little hourglass won’t go away!”

    Me: “Are you sure it’s not frozen?”

    Caller: “You think this is some kind of joke! I don’t leave my computer in the snow!”

    (I try to explain several times what the term ‘frozen’ means.)

    Caller: “So, how do I heat it up? Never mind! Why do I even call you people? I’ll just stick it in the microwave to heat it up. Thanks for nothing!” *hangs up*

    Brains Not Included

    | Newton, IA, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling tech support. This is ***, can I get your account number?”

    Caller: “Well, I don’t have your service. I just have a question.”

    Me: “Okay, what is your question?”

    Caller: “My remote doesn’t work.”

    Me: “Well, I’m sorry about that, but we are an internet company and this is internet tech support.”

    Caller: “I know that, but why can’t you help me?”

    Me: “We don’t do anything with TVs.”

    Caller: “It’s not my TV. It’s my remote.”

    Me: “Your remote for your TV?”

    Caller: “No!”

    Me: “Your remote for what?”

    Caller: “My television!”

    Me: “Okay…well, we still can’t help you with that.”

    Caller: “This tech support is stupid! You are all stupid!”

    Me: “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

    Caller: “I wouldn’t if you fixed my remote. The buttons aren’t making the television change.”

    Me: “Have you tried changing out the batteries?”

    Caller: “What do you think I am, stupid, like you? Of course I didn’t do that! It would shut the remote off!” *hangs up*

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