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    The Problem Was Licked

    | Albuquerque, NM, USA |

    (I am troubleshooting with a customer. I notice the liquid damage indicator is red, which means it has been exposed to liquid.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, but your warranty is void since the phone has been exposed to liquid.”

    Customer: “No, it hasn’t! I’ve never dropped it in water.”

    Me: “Well that sticker only turns red when its been exposed to moisture.”

    Customer: “Well then, of course it’s red. I licked it!”

    Me: “Unfortunately, that would count as liquid damage.”

    Customer: “That’s stupid! I just wanted to see if it really works!”

    TV On Demanding

    | Texas, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [satellite company]. How can I be of assistance?”

    Customer: “I need you to move the satellite, please.”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “Well, I want to watch the movie but we’re having a storm. Can you move the satellite closer so I can see the rest of the movie?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but the satellite is in space and I can’t just move it closer to you.”

    Customer: “Okay. Well, can you pause the channel until the storm is over then?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, that is a broadcast going to everyone at the same time. We cannot pause the broadcast.”

    Customer: “Okay, just replay the movie for me. I get home from work about 5, so if you could start it at 6 I’ll have time to make a bite to eat first.”

    Me: “Ma’am, that is not how the broadcast works.”

    Customer: “You’re just not helpful AT ALL!”

    Dissecting Lies, Brit By Brit

    | Vermont, USA |

    Me: “Hi, this is [tech center]. I’m [name] from Vermont. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “What’s Vermont? Is it a state?”

    Me: “Yes. It’s in New England.”

    Customer: “No it’s not. You’re lying!”

    Me: “No, miss. It was the 14th state to join the Union. It is definitely a state in New England.”

    Customer: “New England, you say? Well then why don’t you have a British accent?”

    And They Wonder Why We Charge By The Hour

    | Atlanta, GA, USA |

    Me: “Good afternoon. Thank you for calling [software company]. My name is ***, how can I help you today?”

    Customer: “I’m having trouble with my software.”

    Me: “Okay. What’s the issue?”

    Customer: “My data is gone.”

    Me: “When you say gone, what do you mean exactly?”

    Customer: “Well, when I open up my [database] my data is incorrect or missing.”

    Me: “Okay. There are a few tests that we can run on your data to see if we can pin-point the problem.”

    (I walk the customer through the steps of running the data test.)

    Customer: “The test is finished. It says, 11,383 data errors were found.”

    Me: “11,383?!”

    Customer: “Is that bad?”

    Microbrain

    | New York, NY, USA |

    Caller: “This f***ing computer won’t work!”

    Me: “Can you describe the problem?”

    Caller: “Whenever I click on something, this stupid little hourglass won’t go away!”

    Me: “Are you sure it’s not frozen?”

    Caller: “You think this is some kind of joke! I don’t leave my computer in the snow!”

    (I try to explain several times what the term ‘frozen’ means.)

    Caller: “So, how do I heat it up? Never mind! Why do I even call you people? I’ll just stick it in the microwave to heat it up. Thanks for nothing!” *hangs up*

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