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    The Lights Are Off, But Sadly Someone’s Home

    | Kentucky, USA |

    Me: “Hi, thank you for calling [cell phone company]. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Yeah, my phone is frozen and I can’t seem to get it do anything.”

    Me: “Seems like we need to do a soft reset. Take off the back cover and look for a little hole that says reset next to it.”

    Customer: “I don’t see it.”

    Me: “Okay, follow the line down to it that’s next to the battery.”

    Customer: “I still can’t find it.”

    (After 25 minutes and several failed attempts at trying to find the reset button…)

    Customer: “Oh, wait a minute…I think I know why. The lights are off in here.”

    Me: “The…lights are off?”

    Customer: “Give me a few moments and I’ll walk to the next room.”

    Belaboring The Points

    | Springfield, MA, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling ***, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, yes. I just got back from surgery and I can’t remember my email password.”

    Me: “Sure, I’ll be glad to help. Let me pull up your account and we can reset your password.”

    (We proceed with a very routine process of setting a new email password. About halfway through, she bursts out laughing.)

    Customer: “I’m sorry. My coworkers just handed me a card congratulating me on the new twins. I guess you can tell what kind of surgery I had, huh?”

    Me: “I gu–”

    Customer: “I’ve got BOOBS!”

    Power Struggle

    | South Carolina, USA |

    (A customer calls in complaining how his service is out.)

    Me: “Are there lights on your modem?

    Caller: “No.”

    Me: “Can you check to see if the power cable is plugged in, or the power turned on?”

    Caller: “I am standing knee-deep in water and you want me to check for a power cable?!”

    (It turns out he had been calling from an area that had been hit by a hurricane.)

    Cookie Cutter Response

    | Perth, Australia |

    Me: “Tech support, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Why are you holding my website to ransom?”

    Me: “Sorry?”

    Customer: “I pay you good money every month and now you’re holding my site to ransom to sell your cookies!”

    Me: “Pardon me?”

    Customer: “I went to my site and when I tried to add to cart, it came up saying I couldn’t until I bought some cookies! I never agreed to this and I’m going to sue!”

    Me: “Sir, cookies is just a computing term. What you saw was the page explaining that you have cookies switched off and telling you how to turn them on.”

    Customer: “Cookies! Blackberries! Well I don’t know these kind of technical things!”

    You Are The Weakest Link

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada |

    Me: “Tech support, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “My [expletive] Internet is down, what’s wrong with you people?!”

    Me: “Well, let’s find out ma’am. Do you mind troubleshooting a bit to find out what the problem is?”

    Caller: *huge sigh* “Fine, but I’ve checked everything already.”

    Me: “Okay. First, let’s look at your modem lights. Do you see the link light on?”

    Caller: “No. No lights are on.”

    Me: “Alright. Can you check the power cable to see if it’s plugged in?”

    Caller: “I can’t see anything, the power is out.”

    Me: “Well, that might be our problem then.”

    Caller: “What the h*** are you talking about?! This is the exact reason I bought a laptop–for it to work when there is a power outage!”

    Me: “Right, but where does your internet connection come from?”

    Caller: “My phone line.”

    Me: “Right, and where is that plugged into?”

    Caller: “My modem.”

    Me: “Right.”

    (There’s a pretty lengthy pause, during which I swear I can hear the gears grinding in her head.)

    Caller: “F***!” *click*


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