(It’s May 5th, and I’m remotely connected to a customer’s computer helping her with a billing issue.)

Customer: “What race are you?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Well, I’m only asking because it’s Cinco De Mayo, and I’m Mexican. Well, I have Mexican blood.”

Me: “Oh.”

Customer:  ”I need to go drink margaritas now. Could you just stay in my computer and do my billing for me? I’ll come back in the morning and print the bills out.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “I am calling to let you know that you are running an illegal operation.”

Me: “Pardon me?”

Customer: “That’s right! My computer says so right on the screen!”

Me: “Ma’am, that’s a Microsoft error message that says, ‘Your program has performed an illegal operation’.”

Customer: “There is nothing wrong with my computer! I have a 15 inch neck!” *hangs up*

(I assume the customer was referring to her monitor… a 15 inch NEC.)

Related:
Lieutenant BSOD, Reporting For Duty

Created by our friends at Quitting Time

He Uses The Google

Me: “Thank you for calling *** Services, how may I help you?”

Customer: “I am an old man who does not understand anything about computers. Something is wrong… can you help me step by step?”

Me: “Yes, I can. First off I need to know somethings about your computer…”

(After about 5 minutes he hands the phone to his son who is a self-proclaimed computer software technician.)

Customer’s son: “Hey, this is ***. I know about computers so you can speak all the Internet jargon you want.”

Me: “Alright. First off, what web browser are you using?”

Customer’s son: “Well I am on Google, so Internet Explorer.”

Me: “… Sir?”

Customer: “Yeah, since I am on Google, I’m obviously using Internet Explorer.”

Me: “Can I speak with your father, sir?”

Related:
He Wants The Google
She Uses The Google, Part 2
She Uses The Google

Me: “Hi, I’m calling to confirm your appointment today. I show here your modem seems to be online. Are you still having a problem with your service?”

Customer: “Well, my son’s computer will go online but his roommate’s computer will not. We turned the black box thingy off and on but it doesn’t work.”

Me: “Do you have a router?”

Customer: “Well, yes we do, but I don’t see what that has to do with anything.”

Me: “Is the router plugged into the modem?”

Customer: “What’s the modem?”

Me: “The black box thingy.”

Customer: “Yes, but like I said, when I called and talked to your service people that changed the configuration doo-dad and now it doesn’t work.”

Me: “Well, sir, we do not support third-party equipment, so I can’t send a technician to troubleshoot your issue. What company manufactured your router?”

Customer: “I just spent $150.00 installing this; you have to send someone out!”

Me: “Sir, since you have already explained to me that your service is working, it seems that your third-party router is causing the issue. You must call them for support. Legally, we aren’t allowed to support their equipment.”

(This goes on for about 10 minutes before he gets so frustrated he puts his son on the line.)

Customer’s son: “Uh, yeah… I need your technician dude to fix this.”

Me: “Unfortunately, as I explained to the other person I was speaking with we do not support third party equipment.”

Customer’s son: “But it was working. Your service guy turned my link light off the black box and now it doesn’t work.”

Me: “But you are surfing on your computer, right?”

Customer’s son: “Uh, yeah… but I can’t get on the internet on the other. That’s why we need the technician dude to fix it.”

Me: “Sir what type of car do you drive?”

Customer’s son: “Honda, why?”

Me: “Okay, what kind of radio is installed?” *this was a long-shot*

Customer’s son: “Alpine, what’s your point?”

Me: “So, when your Alpine radio stops working, are you going to call the Honda dealership telling them you want your money back and you want them to fix a radio they didn’t install or manufacture?”

Customer’s son: “I think I need to call Linksys.”

(I used to repair phones for an office.)

Customer: ”My phone is broken.”

Me: “Can you please describe the problem?”

Customer: “It’s broken.”

Me: “In what way?”

Customer: “It doesn’t work.”

Me: “Do you have a dial tone?  Can you not dial a specific number?”

Customer: “Nothing happens. It’s broken.”

Me: “Where is your desk?”

Customer: “Second floor, cube ***.”

(Upon arriving, I find the phone with no lights, no dial tone, no anything. On a hunch, I ask…)

Me: “Did you spill coffee in it?”

Customer: “No!”

(I grab the phone, tilt it and coffee pours out.)

Me: “Huh.” *glares at customer*

Customer: “I DIDN’T spill coffee in it!”

Me: ”Riiight.”

Me: “Welcome to *** support, how can I help you?”

Customer: “One of my computers doesn’t have internet.”

Me: “Okay, is it in a hub?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Can you try a different port?”

(I hear scuffling in the background.)

Customer: “It works now.”

Me: “Well, great. That port on your hub must be burned out. Just order a new hub from your admin, or use this port instead.”

Customer: “But why?”

Me: “Because it’s burned out.”

Customer: “I know, but why is burned out?”

Me: “…”

Customer: “I like this port! How could it be burned out?”

Me: “It just is. It’s like reaching into a bag of chips and getting that green one: sometimes it just happens.”

Customer: “That’s chips, this is a hub! I want to know why it burned out! Tell me why!”

Me: “I don’t know! Terrorists or something did it!”

Customer: *hangs up*

Cube mate: “Terrorists?”

Created by our friends at Quitting Time

Original Story

Me: “Hello, *** Computers. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, my computer has a ton of viruses. I was told I need a complete wipe. Can you guys do that?”

Me: “Yes we can sir. Can I just ask why you think your computer needs a full wipe?”

Customer: “Yeah, well my son was looking at porn a few days ago, and now it won’t work at all. That’s why I’d like my computer wiped.”

Me: “Alright, then sir. You can bring in your computer anytime today. I just want to ask if there’s any files you want us to save before you do.”

Customer: “Yeah, can you save my porn?”

Me: “I’m… sorry?”

Customer: “Can you save my porn?”

Me: “Yes sir, we can definitely save all your… files. We just aren’t able to move any programs over unless you have the CD.”

Customer: “No, I have all the CD’s. I’ll do it all myself. I just want to know if you can save my porn.”

Me: “Yes sir, we can save all your files. Word documents, JPEGs–”

Customer: “–and my porn.”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Great. I’ll bring it in this afternoon.” *click*

(Fortunately, he never came in.)

Me: “Thank you for calling ******, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I am in the back office and someone told me that we were supposed to be able to use wireless keyboards, so I cut the cable.”

Me: “You… cut the cable?”

Customer: “Yes, and now it doesn’t work.”

Me: “You cut the cable on your keyboard, and now it doesn’t work?”

Customer: “Yes”

Me: “You’re going to have to buy a new keyboard.”

Customer: “Why? I was told we could use wireless keyboards.”

Me: “That is not a wireless keyboard.”

Customer: “Yes it is.”

Me: “Just because you cut the cord does not make it wireless.”

Customer: “Can’t you just make it work?”

Me: “Does your phone have a cable?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “If you cut it, do you think your phone will work?”

Customer: *line disconnects after 20 seconds of silence*