Me: “Tech support, how may I help you?”

Caller: “I have to pay this fee and I need to get to y’all’s website.”

Me: “Sure, our address is [website URL].”

Caller: “I don’t want your address. I want to know where to go on my computer.”

Me: “Sir, that’s the address of our site. All you need to do is type it in your browser’s address bar.”

Caller: “Oh, so do I stick that in my Google?”

Me: *on the phone* “Thank you for calling Customer Support, my name is ****. How may I assist you?”

Customer: “I would like to cancel my prescription to the Internet.”

Me: “I’m sorry, you said…prescription?”

Customer: “Yes, I went with a high speed provider! I don’t need my prescription with you any more!”

Me: “…have you checked to see if that was OK with your doctor?”

(A customer calls into our tech support line and says she is having a problem with her computer.)

Me: “So, do you see an error message?”

Customer: “No, I don’t get any errors. I don’t get anything!”

Me: “Okay, what do you see on your monitor?”

Customer: “I only get a black screen. Can you please fix it? I have a paper due tomorrow.”

Me: “Ma’am, if your screen is black, that means your laptop isn’t turned on. Are there any lights lit?”

Customer: “I don’t see any lights…”

Me: “Well, can you try pressing the power button?”

Customer: “That doesn’t work.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, I’m sorry, but I think there’s a problem with your computer.”

Customer: “That’s impossible! I just bought it!”

Me: “Hmm, strange. Did you charge the battery?”

Customer: “What do you mean, charge it?”

Me: “Well, did you plug your computer in a power socket, with the included power supply?”

Customer: “I need to plug it in? I thought it was WIRELESS!”

Me: “Alright, so what browser are you using to view your websites?”

Customer: “Mozzarella Firefox!”

(The customer had demanded a supervisor, and I was the supervisor who took this call.)

Me: *on the phone* “Hi, my name is ****, supervisor on the floor, how may I help you?”

Customer: “My internet is down and I need it up now! Your stupid agent told me I have an appointment for tomorrow morning! What YOU need to do is give me one today!”

(I check the schedule and there is nothing available.)

Me: “I do apologize ma’am, but it seems that we don’t have anyone available for today. But, it looks like we have someone coming out tomorrow morn–”

Customer: “I don’t care about tomorrow! I want someone today! Either you cancel someone else’s appointment and give me one today, or I will stay on this phone until you decide to! And I know you can’t hang up on me!”

Me: “I’m sorry that you’re frustrated, but there is no way for me to get you an appointment today.”

Customer: “Well, I guess it sucks for you then, huh? I’m not hanging up this phone.”

Me: “Even if you stay on, it won’t change the appointments. We are overbooked today.”

Customer: “Well, I guess you’re not getting anything done today! Since I can’t do anything, you won’t either. Your work will never be done!”

Me: “OK, you can stay on the phone. How are you doing today?”

Customer: “Horrible!”

Me: “I’m doing fine myself.”

Customer: “…so when’s my appointment for tomorrow?”

(I’m at my university’s computer help desk and have just fixed a problem on a student’s laptop.)

Me, to student: “…okay, that should get you online.”

Student: “Great, thanks!”

(A random student passes by, seeing the laptop.)

Random passerby: “Wow! That laptop is huge!”

Me: “Erm…”

Random passerby: “I bet you could use it as a weapon to smash someone’s head in!”

Me: “Uhh…”

Student: “Erm…”

Random passerby: *walks off*

Me, to student: “Well, I bet you didn’t know THAT about your laptop.”

Caller: “I forgot the password for my computer. Can you help?”

Me: “Sure, let me just get your account information and you can enter a new password.”

Caller: *gives me her information*

Me: “Okay, you can enter a new password now.”

Caller: “Okay, done.”

Me: “Well, tha–”

Caller: “S***! I forgot it again!”

Me: *on the phone* “Thank you for calling ****, my name is ****. How can I assist you today?”

Customer: “Yeah, I need some help. My son just shot my TV.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Yeah – he was playing around with a BB gun and shot the center of the TV. It’s dead. I need to know what to do.”

Me: “Well, unfortunately, sir… that’s not something that’s covered under warranty.”

Customer: “Oh, obviously. I know that, but I need to know what to do.”

Me: “I can get you the number of a repair shop near you…”

Customer: “No, I need to know what to do to my son. He shot my f***ing TV. What do I do? Ground him? Spank him?”

Me: “… unfortunately that’s not something I can assist you with, sir.”

Customer: “Oh. Right. Well, I thought I would try anyway.”

(A student is dropping a computer off at our college’s IT desk for us to work on.)

Me: “Do you have an administrator password for this machine?”

Student: “Yes, it’s ‘Homer’.”

Me: “Like the author?”

Student: *blank stare*

Me: “… like Homer Simpson?”

Student: “Yeah!”

Related: University Of Homer Simpson

(I work for a business software company. We take data from a database, and turn it into reports.)

Client: *on the phone* “My reports look wrong.”

Me: “All right, let’s take a look.”

(I see the problem, and we’re able to trace the problem back to his database – something outside of my company’s control.)

Me: “It looks like you have some bad data in your database – once the data in there is right, you should have no problems with your reports.”

Client: “That’s ridiculous. I don’t care what the database has; it’s my report that’s wrong.”

Me: “Actually, we see the exact same problem in your database as we do in the report.”

Client: “It’s still your fault.”

(This goes on for 20 minutes. I finally decide to make it simpler.)

Me: “If you make a hamburger with rotten meat, do you blame the bun company when you get sick?”

Client: “I’m a vegetarian, I wouldn’t know.”

Me: “OK, fine – if your veggie patty was rotten, would you blame the bun company?”

Client: “Veggie patties never go rotten!”

Me: “I don’t think you understand my analogy.”

Client: “I don’t think YOU understand vegetarians!”

Me: “Ma’am, I work tech support. It’s not my job to understand vegetarians.”

Client: “WELL IT’S NOT MY JOB EITHER, BUT I DO!”

Me: “That’s because you are one.”

Client: “NO I’M NOT!”

Me: “You told me you were a vegetarian, 30 seconds ago.”

Client: “I LIED!”

Me: “…why?”

Client: “BECAUSE YOU’RE WRONG!”

Me: “No, I’m not.”

Client: “WROOONG! WRONG, WRONG, WRONG! WROOONG!”

(She kept on saying ‘wrong’ for a good 45 seconds, despite me trying to interject, so I then hung up. No one in the company has heard from her since.)