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    You Are The Weakest Link

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada |

    Me: “Tech support, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “My [expletive] Internet is down, what’s wrong with you people?!”

    Me: “Well, let’s find out ma’am. Do you mind troubleshooting a bit to find out what the problem is?”

    Caller: *huge sigh* “Fine, but I’ve checked everything already.”

    Me: “Okay. First, let’s look at your modem lights. Do you see the link light on?”

    Caller: “No. No lights are on.”

    Me: “Alright. Can you check the power cable to see if it’s plugged in?”

    Caller: “I can’t see anything, the power is out.”

    Me: “Well, that might be our problem then.”

    Caller: “What the h*** are you talking about?! This is the exact reason I bought a laptop–for it to work when there is a power outage!”

    Me: “Right, but where does your internet connection come from?”

    Caller: “My phone line.”

    Me: “Right, and where is that plugged into?”

    Caller: “My modem.”

    Me: “Right.”

    (There’s a pretty lengthy pause, during which I swear I can hear the gears grinding in her head.)

    Caller: “F***!” *click*

    Refreshingly Stupid

    | Washington, USA |

    Caller: “So, my item has been stuck in the shopping cart with the little thingy spinning for the last 20 minutes.”

    Me: “By any chance have you tried refreshing your screen?”

    Caller: “Of course. I’ve tried that three times now.”

    Me: “And what happened when you refreshed sir?”

    Caller: “The screen went black then came back on the screen with the spinny-thingy.”

    Me: “Sir, it sounds like your turning your monitor on and off, not refreshing the screen.”

    Caller: “Well, it looks refreshed to me!”

    It’s Going To Be A Long Day

    | Oregon, USA |

    Me: “What type of internet do you have?”

    Customer: “Internet Explorer.”

    Me: “No, sorry, I meant what type of internet, like your ISP?”

    Customer: “Internet.”

    Me: “No, what type.”

    Customer: “Uh…modem?”

    Me: “What kind of modem?”

    Customer: “Black.”

    Me: “Is it plugged into a phone cable or a coaxial cable? Like a cable you’d plug into your TV.”

    Customer: “It’s plugged in to…the wall.”

    Related:
    A Sign Of A Long Day

    Book You In For Six (Feet Under)

    | New Mexico, USA |

    (My boss passed away earlier this year. Her phone forwards to mine so that I can redirect individuals that need assistance.)

    Customer: “Hi, can I speak to Dr. ***?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, Dr. *** passed away earlier this year. Is there something I can help you with instead?”

    Customer: “No, I think I’ll just call back. When do you think she’ll be in?”

    Me: “Ma’am, she passed away.”

    Customer: “Right…so when will she be in?  Can I call back tomorrow?”

    Me: “Ma’am, she’s dead.”

    Customer: “Oh…how about Monday then?”

    When Open Source Meets Closed Minds

    , | California, USA |

    Caller: “I need to report a very serious computer crime! The local university is running an illegal computer system!”

    Me: “Could you please repeat that?”

    Caller: “The local university is running an illegal computer system! They’ve hacked it!”

    Me: “How could you tell they’d hacked it?”

    Caller: “Well, when it booted, it didn’t say Windows or Microsoft or anything! It said something about Deviant Linux, I think, and the main screen looked nothing like my good, legal Windows screen at home! I think they hacked that, too!”

    Me: “Do you mean Debian Linux?”

    Caller: “Yes, that! Is it some sort of computer mafia or something?”

    Me: “Uh, no, it’s just a different operating system. Nothing to worry about.”

    Caller: “But it’s illegal! It’s not Microsoft, not even Windows! They’re on a normal Microsoft computer, so they’re breaking the law! I think they stole my identity when I came in the building! I’m calling the FBI!” *hangs up*


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