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  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
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    | Soderhamn, Sweden | Technology

    (I work for a well-known anti-virus company. An customer calls in to ask about the difference in her product and the other ones we carry.)

    Caller: “So what about the cheapest one?”

    Me: “It’s got the anti-virus protection, but it doesn’t protect you from net phishing.”

    Caller: “I see, so what about the one that I’m using right now?”

    Me: “Basically you’ve got both the anti-virus components and also a firewall, which is the recommended one for an average user.”

    Caller: “Oh, I see. So the firewall will protect the computer from catching on fire?”

    Demand A Battery Of Tests ASAP

    | Boston, MA, USA |

    (A customer comes to pick up a phone they had dropped off for repair.)

    Customer: “I’m so glad it is working! What was the problem?”

    Me: “It just needed to be charged.”

    Customer: “No, it was fully charged Friday and then just died.  There must be something else wrong with it. Please look at it further.”

    Me: “Well I did. The battery was at 0%, in fact, you still will need to charge it for quite a while. It is working though.”

    Customer: “No, you keep it and keep looking.” *leaves*

    (The customer comes back two hours later. A co-worker handles it.)

    Customer: “So is it okay?”

    Coworker: “Yes, it turns out there was a problem with the phone’s N.R.G. We have corrected it.”

    Customer: “So that explains it!”

    A Smoking Computer Is Always A Bad Sign

    | Norrkoping, Sweden |

    Caller: “My bong isn’t working!”

    Me: “I’m not sure what you mean, ma’am. Could you explain what your problem is?”

    Caller: “I told you! My bong is broken!”

    Me: “Your bong, ma’am?”

    Caller: “Yes the bong that goes in to the computer for my internet!”

    Me: “Oh, do you mean your ‘dongle’?”

    Caller: “Yes! That thing!”

    Even Professors Fail At Pass(Words)

    | St. Paul, MN, USA |

    (I am a student worker at my university’s IT help desk. Professors’ passwords are set to expire every 90 days. A professor having connection problems informs me he hasn’t changed his password in months.)

    Me: “Oh, okay! I think that’s the issue here. Your password has probably expired and…”

    Professor: “Expired?!”

    Me: “Yes, they’re set to expire every 90 days for security.”

    Professor: “90 days! Why don’t you tell us these things?”

    Me:”I’m so sorry, usually we email professors at the beginning of term.”

    Professor: “Well, you didn’t tell me! I didn’t get any emails from you people!”

    Me: “I’m very sorry. Let me reset your password for you now so that you can connect.”

    (I reset his password and write it down for him.)

    Professor: “What the h*** is this?”

    Me: “That’s the pound sign.”

    Professor: “I know what it is! Why is it in my password?”

    Me: “It’s a regulation from our administration. Your password has to have letters, numbers and special characters.”

    Professor: “And when were you planning on telling us this?”

    Me: “There should have been an email last week.”

    Professor: “There was no email! Seriously, do you do anything? Where’s your boss? I need to speak with him.”

    Me: “He’s out right now.”

    Professor: “You need to let me know the moment he gets back.”

    Me: “Of course. How should we notify you? We can send you an email?”

    Professor: “Don’t email me. God! I never read those. Call my office phone.”

    Download A Brain While You’re At It

    | Cardiff, Wales, UK |

    Me: “So you want me to hook up this computer to the internet?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Okay! First thing’s first: where’s the modem or router so I can connect the computer to the net?”

    Customer: “I don’t have one.”

    Me: “You don’t have one?”

    Customer: “I thought you could download a modem off the internet for me.”

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