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    And They Wonder Why We Charge By The Hour

    | Atlanta, GA, USA |

    Me: “Good afternoon. Thank you for calling [software company]. My name is ***, how can I help you today?”

    Customer: “I’m having trouble with my software.”

    Me: “Okay. What’s the issue?”

    Customer: “My data is gone.”

    Me: “When you say gone, what do you mean exactly?”

    Customer: “Well, when I open up my [database] my data is incorrect or missing.”

    Me: “Okay. There are a few tests that we can run on your data to see if we can pin-point the problem.”

    (I walk the customer through the steps of running the data test.)

    Customer: “The test is finished. It says, 11,383 data errors were found.”

    Me: “11,383?!”

    Customer: “Is that bad?”

    Microbrain

    | New York, NY, USA |

    Caller: “This f***ing computer won’t work!”

    Me: “Can you describe the problem?”

    Caller: “Whenever I click on something, this stupid little hourglass won’t go away!”

    Me: “Are you sure it’s not frozen?”

    Caller: “You think this is some kind of joke! I don’t leave my computer in the snow!”

    (I try to explain several times what the term ‘frozen’ means.)

    Caller: “So, how do I heat it up? Never mind! Why do I even call you people? I’ll just stick it in the microwave to heat it up. Thanks for nothing!” *hangs up*

    Brains Not Included

    | Newton, IA, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling tech support. This is ***, can I get your account number?”

    Caller: “Well, I don’t have your service. I just have a question.”

    Me: “Okay, what is your question?”

    Caller: “My remote doesn’t work.”

    Me: “Well, I’m sorry about that, but we are an internet company and this is internet tech support.”

    Caller: “I know that, but why can’t you help me?”

    Me: “We don’t do anything with TVs.”

    Caller: “It’s not my TV. It’s my remote.”

    Me: “Your remote for your TV?”

    Caller: “No!”

    Me: “Your remote for what?”

    Caller: “My television!”

    Me: “Okay…well, we still can’t help you with that.”

    Caller: “This tech support is stupid! You are all stupid!”

    Me: “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

    Caller: “I wouldn’t if you fixed my remote. The buttons aren’t making the television change.”

    Me: “Have you tried changing out the batteries?”

    Caller: “What do you think I am, stupid, like you? Of course I didn’t do that! It would shut the remote off!” *hangs up*

    Acting Rashly

    | Northampton, MA, USA |

    Me: “Hi, this is [college] help desk. What can I do for you?

    Caller: *sobbing* “You have got to help me!”

    Me: “Okay, miss. What seems to be the problem?”

    Caller: “I have this huge rash all over my butt!”

    Me: “Miss, you do realize this is a tech help desk…like, for computers?”

    Caller: “But I don’t know who else to call!”

    Me: “Well, you could try health services. I can get you the number.”

    Caller: “No, I already called them.”

    Me: “And they couldn’t help you?”

    Caller: “They wanted me to come in! But I don’t want people to know. Can’t you just tell me how to get rid of it?”

    Me: “Miss, I honestly have no idea. I’ve never had your…problem.”

    Caller: “What about your friends?”

    Me: “Well, none that I know of.”

    Caller: “Oh my God, I AM a freak!” *hangs up while still sobbing*

    The Router To Success

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA | Top

    Customer: “My internet seems to be out. Most of the lights on the modem are blinking. I tried unplugging it and plugging it back in. Then I started yelling at it, now I’m out of ideas.”

    Me: “Have you tried a manual reset?”

    Customer: “Again, I did the ‘unplug and wait three minutes before plugging it back in’ thing.”

    Me: “Yes, but there is a manual on/off button on the back of the router.”

    Customer: *silence* “OH MY GOD! Well…let it be known that I acknowledge my own stupidity and I hope this experience hasn’t damaged your faith in humanity too severely.”

    Me: “No problem sir. I’m glad we could get it resolved and I hope you have a nice day.”

    Customer: “Well, I’m brain dead…” *hangs up*


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