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    Ask Her To Close All Windows Next

    | South Carolina, USA |

    Me: “Can you get online?”

    Customer: “How do you do that?”

    Me: “Do you see Internet Explorer?”

    Customer: “Where do I see that?”

    Me: “It should be on your desktop.”

    Customer: *rustling papers* “I don’t see it on my desk anywhere. Are you sure it is here?”

    Unintended Entendres

    | Shenzhen, China |

    (I have just completed a firewall and Internet circuit install for an international customer. His English is far better than my Cantonese, but slang expressions didn’t always translate.)

    Customer: “Thank you! You know, we were worried about having a female engineer, but now I see that they are better.”

    Me: “Well, thank you, sir. I’m glad your Internet is up and running. We always try to do a good job.”

    Customer: “You even cleaned the server room! Men never clean the server room. It looks very nice!”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “I don’t think I have ever seen such a nice rack! Thank you!”

    Op-tickle Fibers

    | Utah, USA |

    (I am in the middle of finishing the last download to fix a customers computer, but his internet keeps resetting.)

    Me: “Sorry the download didn’t work. Your internet reset again. We will have to try it again and hopefully it will finish this time.”

    Customer: “You know, if you want to speed this up, all you have to do is take the mouse, and kinda rub it over the download box.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, rub it over the download box?”

    Customer: “Yea you know? If you tickle the download box with the mouse it goes faster. I thought you would know that, being a Tech Support guy and all.”

    If She Were Blonde It Would Be Stereo(Typing)

    | Victoria, BC, Canada |

    Customer: “My email is not working!”

    Me: “What do you mean it’s not working?”

    Customer: “I can’t send any email. I need to send email. I have to confirm bookings and other stuff for my B&B! I need this fixed right away!”

    Me: “Okay, I was just heading out. I will drive straight over.”

    (I arrive at the customer’s B&B.)

    Customer: “I am so glad you could come so quickly. I just don’t know what to do without my email!”

    (I look at the computer, use the mouse to send myself a test email, everything works fine.)

    Customer: “No, no! Not like that! Type the email!”

    Me: “Oh, okay.”

    (I type and nothing happens. I reach behind the computer and plug the keyboard back in. The email starts to work again.)

    Me: “Your keyboard was unplugged.”

    Customer: “Oh yeah, a wire got kicked out when I was sitting there. I guess it was an important one after all.”

    The Self-Scanner Has Checked Out

    | New Jersey, USA |

    (I am helping a caller on the phone who recently had some scanning software installed on her computer.)

    Me: “Place the document on the glass and press the scan button on the computer screen.”

    Caller: “That is what I did and it is nothing is happening.”

    Me: “Is the scanner on. There should be a light on it that indicates that it is on. Maybe it is not plugged in or hooked up correctly?”

    Caller: “Yes, it’s on. I can see all of my other files and folders on the screen.”

    Me: “Wait…what do you mean you see other files and folders?”

    Caller: “I see my windows desktop and the monitor seems to be working like it always does.”

    Me: “When I told you to place the document that you want to scan on the glass, are you holding it up to the glass on your monitor?”

    Caller: “Yes!”

    Me: “That would be our problem. You need to have a scanning machine in order to scan documents. You don’t use your monitor.”

    Caller: “Oh. How do I get one of those?”

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