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    Running Laps Around Your Technical Knowledge

    | New Brunswick, Canada | Technology

    Me: “Okay, sir. Since doing that doesn’t seem to be working, can you please clear your cache and cookies again and restart your computer, please?”

    Caller: “Okay.”

    (I hear fumbling on his line of the phone.)

    Me: “Sir, just a quick question. Are you on a desktop computer or a laptop?”

    Caller: “It’s on a desk.”

    Me: “Okay, next question, does the monitor fold down onto the keyboard?”

    Caller: “I don’t know.”

    Me: “Does the monitor and keyboard have wires going from them to a big box with lights on it?”

    Caller: “That’s way too technical for me to understand.”

    Me: “Can you take it around with you around your home?”

    Caller: “I’ve heard of flexible computer that people can fold up and take with them everywhere.”

    Me: “That’s a laptop sir. Is that what you have?”

    Caller: “I still can’t login!”

    Not Remotely Intelligent, Part 3

    | USA | Technology

    (A customer calls in to get help setting up a video conferencing unit with a display on the remote that shows status of selection.)

    Me: “So, are you pointing the remote at the unit?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Where is the display on the remote? Is the top or bottom closest to you?

    Customer: “The bottom is closest to me.”

    Me: “Okay, turn the remote around so the LCD is towards the unit.”

    Customer: “Okay.”

    Me: “What do you see?”

    Customer: “The back of the remote.”

    Related:
    Not Remotely Intelligent 2
    Not Remotely Intelligent

    Right-Click Wrong-Click

    | Ireland | Technology

    (I’m twenty minutes into troubleshooting an internet connection.)

    Me: “Okay, now right-click on that screen.”

    Caller: “Right-click. It’s not working.”

    Me: “Just make sure you’re right-clicking for a moment.”

    Caller: “I will. Right-click, see nothing happens! Can’t you fix this already?”

    (I realize that she is left-clicking on the page for nothing to be happening.)

    Me: “Can you click the button on the right hand side for me?”

    Caller: “You clearly don’t know what you’re doing because it’s not working!”

    Me: “Do you know your left from your right?”

    Caller: “Obviously!”

    Me: “Look at your mouse.”

    Caller: “I am looking at it.”

    Me: “See the button on the left and the button on the right? Click the button on the right.”

    Caller: “Oh it worked. I thought you meant your right!”

    So Slow It Hertz

    | North Carolina, USA | School, Technology, Top

    Caller: “Hi, I think there’s a bug on your website. I can’t log into my account.”

    Me: “Okay, that may be a bug. Let me get some basic information from you. What internet browser are you using?”

    Caller: “What’s a browser?”

    Me: “That’s what you use to surf the Internet. Popular browsers are Internet Explorer and Firefox.”

    Caller: “Oh. I think I’m using Yahoo.”

    Me: “That’s a search engine.

    Caller: “Ask.com?”

    Me: “That’s another search engine. I need to know what browser you use to get to that website.”

    Caller: “Oh, I think I know what you mean. I’m using Hotmail.”

    (This goes on for about 10 minutes. Eventually, we locate the bug. While I’m writing up the report, I’m making small-talk with the customer.)

    Me: “You said you’re in college? What do you study?”

    Caller: “Computer science. I’m really good at it!”

    Their Spelling Is Wrong, But They Are Sticking To It

    | Des Moines, IA, USA | Extra Stupid, Language & Words, Technology

    Me: “Thank you for calling [internet provider]. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, I am trying to provision my personal modem for your internet and I am having issues. Could you help?”

    Me: “Sure. May I please have your modem id?”

    Caller: “001, E as in igloo, A as in apple, 3251, E as in igloo.”

    Me: “So that was 001, Echo, Alpha, 3251, Echo?”

    Caller: “No. E as in Igloo!”

    Me: “Sorry, sir, but Igloo begins with an I.”

    Caller: “The heck it does! Igloo is spelled E-G-L-U-E. I have a G.E.D.—you can’t pull one over on me, Mr. Fancy Pants!”

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