Me: “IT Helpdesk at [university]. How can I assist you today?”

Caller: “Hello, you folks were supposed to give me a new computer. I have a note on my desk with the new log-in and everything, but there’s no computer here!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. May I have your name so I can look up your ticket? ”

(She gives me her name and I look her up in our work order system. I recognize the ticket, as I was the person who set-up the computer for her while she was out of the office.)

Me: “Alright, ma’am, I’ve found your ticket. I was actually the tech who set this up for you. I know everything was delivered properly and I watched as the department secretary locked the door to your office when I was finished. But you’re saying that there’s no computer there now?”

Caller: “Nope, no computer here. Just a keyboard, mouse and screen. The door was locked this morning when I came in.”

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am, you said that there’s a keyboard, a mouse and a screen?”

Caller: “Yes, a keyboard a mouse and a screen. No computer.”

Me: “I think I see the problem. The computer that we upgraded you to is called an iMac. It doesn’t have a separate tower unit. The whole computer is there in that screen.”

Caller: “No…”

Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

Caller: “You cannot be serious!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. I assure you.”

Caller: “Are you trying to play a joke on me, young man?”

Me: “No, ma’am. The whole computer is contained in that one unit. Have you tried turning it on? There should be a button on the back.”

Caller: “No…you can’t be serious!”

Me: “Please, just try turning on the computer. There should be a button on the back on the left-hand side.”

Caller: “Hold on…”

(In the background I hear the Apple boot sound.)

Caller: “Goodness!”

Me: “Alright, just follow the directions for logging in that I left for you. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

Caller: “This is amazing, young man!”

Me: “I’m glad! Let us know if there’s anything else you need. Have a nice day!”

Caller: “I’m sure I will!”

Customer: “You said you were going to save all my data to the DVD! I can’t get anything!”

Me: “I assure you, I saved it to that DVD.”

Customer:“No, no! It’s still not there! It keeps telling me to insert the disk!”

Me: “Well…did you put the DVD in the drive yet?”

Customer: “No! Does it have to be there?”

Me: “Yes, it does. You can’t view the contents of the DVD unless the drive is able to read the DVD.”

Customer: “Well, that’s just silly!”

(Note: I help callers with connection problems to our wireless zones along train lines.)

Me: “Hello, tech support. How may I help you?”

Caller: “I can’t access your network!”

Me: “I’m sorry about that, let me help you. Where are you currently, sir?”

Caller: “I’m traveling in between [city] and [another city].”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry sir, but there is maintenance being done in that zone. You will have to wait 20 minutes until you are back in a working zone.”

Caller: “What can I do?”

Me: “Just wait till the train is a bit farther on, and you will have a connection again.”

Caller: “This is terrible! Where’s your manager?”

Me: “Sir, it’s 4 am so I’m the only one working.”

(The customer hangs up, but then calls back again.)

Me: “Hello, tech support. How may I help you?”

Caller: “F***!”

(Once again, he hangs up, and once again, he calls back.)

Me: “Hello, tech support. How may I help you?”

Caller: “F***!”

(Again, he hangs up, and again, he calls back.)

Me: “Hello, tech support. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Look, I have some important stuff to watch here. Can you fix the internet?”

Me: “If you just wait 10 minutes sir, your internet will work again.”

Caller: “So, in my zone, there’s no internet?”

Me: “That’s right, sir.”

Caller: “Can’t you move the satellite so I do have internet?”

Me: “You want me to go into space and move the satellite?”

Caller: *cheerily* “Yeah, that’s right!”

Me: “Umm…well, that might take me a little bit of time, sir. I’ll have to call NASA and they’re very busy these days.”

Caller: “Oh. How long do you think it’ll take?”

Me: “About 10 minutes.”

Caller: “That’s great! Thank you.” *hangs up*

(Note: I’m providing tech support over the phone to a customer.)

Me: “Okay, so we’re just going to need your phone number before I can go any further.”

Caller: “Okay, it’s **** ****.”

Me: “…and your area code?”

Caller: “Huh?”

Me: “What state are you in?”

Caller: “Say again?”

Me: “What state?”

Caller: “Sober?”

Customer, over the phone: “Hi, could you check out my computer? I think something is wrong with the keyboard.”

Me: “Okay, do you have any idea what it might be?”

Customer: “No, I just know that it has to be the keyboard. Everything else seems fine.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll be over later.”

(I drive to the woman’s house. She lets me in and shows me her desk.)

Me: “Well, first off, your space bar is upside-down.”

Customer: “I‚Ķuh‚Ķwasn’t gonna tell you that. Didn’t know if it’d be important.”

(I remove the upside-down space bar.)

Me: “Your keyboard is full of crumbs. Have you been eating over it?”

Customer: “Well, I wasn’t gonna tell you that either.”

(I grab a can of air and blow the crumbs out.)

Me: “That‚Äôs weird, they’re not coming out. It’s sticky inside. Did you recently spill soda into this?”

Customer: “Oh, I wasn’t gonna tell you all of this. I thought you’d get mad and not come.”

Me: “Listen, there’s really nothing I can do. I’m sorry, you’ll need a whole new keyboard.”

Customer: “See! I told you you’d just up and leave if I told you!”