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    Tech Support Is Rendered Fruitless

    | Minnesota, USA | Technology

    Customer: “My computer has fruit in it!”

    Me: “Like what?”

    Customer: “Every time I turn my computer on, it has a fruit in it.”

    Me: “You mean an apple?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I guess.”

    Me: “That means you have that brand of computer. Do you need anything else, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Well, I don’t really like apples. Can I get a cantaloupe on it instead?”

    Grandma Vs The Internet

    | Kansas City, MO, USA | Rude & Risque, Technology

    (A customer brings in her desktop for repair.)

    Customer: “Excuse me sir, can you help me? I’ve done something terrible.”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. What seems to be the problem today?”

    Customer: “Well, I was on the computer, and all of these naughty images started to pop up. Well, I didn’t want my grandkids thinking their grandma was into something nasty, so I started to delete things and well…I’ve deleted the internet!”

    Me: “It will be alright, ma’am. I think we can save the internet.”

    Testing Plugs And Patience

    | Anchorage, AK, USA | Technology

    (Several of our customers recently experienced an internet outage and needed to reset their equipment to get back online.)

    Me: “You’ll just need to unplug your modem, wait a few seconds, plug it back in, and then wait for all the lights to come on. Once they’re all on, you’ll be back online. If that doesn’t work, call me back.”

    Customer: “Okay, that sounds simple enough.”

    (A few minutes later…)

    Customer: “I just spoke with you. It’s still not working!”

    Me: “I apologize, let’s take a look. Have you reset the modem already?”

    Customer: “Yes! I need you to fix this. I need the internet now!”

    Me: “Of course. Are all the lights on the modem lit up?”

    Customer: “No!”

    Me: “How long ago did you reset your modem, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Just now, after I called you back!”

    (As we’re speaking, I see that her connection has re-established.)

    Me: “I’m showing you’re online now. Are all the lights back on your modem?”

    Customer: “Oh…that’s what you meant by waiting.”

    Logic Board Illogic

    | Indianapolis, IN, USA | Family & Kids, Liars & Scammers, Technology

    Me: “Hello, this is ***.”

    Caller: “I want to get my money back on a laptop I bought.”

    Me: “What’s wrong with it?”

    Caller: “Nothing’s wrong. My mom won’t let me put internet on my laptop, so I don’t want it anymore.”

    Me: “I don’t give refunds. My warranty only covers breaks.”

    Caller: “So, if I break it you will give me my money back?”

    Emulation Alienation

    | Maryland, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (Note: It takes me ten minutes to determine the caller is actually on a Mac running a Windows emulation program.)

    Me: “Does your mouse have one big button?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “So, you are on a Mac? This game is not supported on a Mac. I can’t help you. I’m sorry.”

    Customer: “No, it isn’t. I am running Windows 98.”

    Me: “Look at the side of the computer. Is there a big apple logo on it?”

    Customer: “Of course there is. It’s an Apple computer.”

    Me: “Which means it’s MacOS. This game does not run on that OS.”

    Customer: “But I am in Windows mode.”

    Me: “Are you using SoftWindows to emulate a Windows 98 OS?”

    Customer: “Yes?”

    Me: “We don’t support our titles on that.”

    Customer: “What if I tried changing the drivers?”

    Me: “No, that wouldn’t work sir.”

    Customer: “What if I tried changing other settings?”

    Me: “I’m afraid not. Sir, if you want me to help get it working the system it was designed for I would be happy to do that but I can’t help with emulated Window OS’s on a Mac.”

    Customer: “What if I tried it on my games console?”

    Me: “The Windows version of this game won’t work on a…hang on. Take the disk out of the drive and tell me what color the bottom of it is.”

    Customer: “Black.”

    Me: “This is the console version of the game. Did you try it on your console?”

    Customer: “Yes. I worked fine there.”

    Me: “So, why are you trying to run a console game on a Macintosh with an emulated version of Windows on it?”

    Customer: “I thought it would run faster?”

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