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    So Slow It Hertz

    | North Carolina, USA | School, Technology, Top

    Caller: “Hi, I think there’s a bug on your website. I can’t log into my account.”

    Me: “Okay, that may be a bug. Let me get some basic information from you. What internet browser are you using?”

    Caller: “What’s a browser?”

    Me: “That’s what you use to surf the Internet. Popular browsers are Internet Explorer and Firefox.”

    Caller: “Oh. I think I’m using Yahoo.”

    Me: “That’s a search engine.

    Caller: “Ask.com?”

    Me: “That’s another search engine. I need to know what browser you use to get to that website.”

    Caller: “Oh, I think I know what you mean. I’m using Hotmail.”

    (This goes on for about 10 minutes. Eventually, we locate the bug. While I’m writing up the report, I’m making small-talk with the customer.)

    Me: “You said you’re in college? What do you study?”

    Caller: “Computer science. I’m really good at it!”

    Their Spelling Is Wrong, But They Are Sticking To It

    | Des Moines, IA, USA | Extra Stupid, Language & Words, Technology

    Me: “Thank you for calling [internet provider]. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, I am trying to provision my personal modem for your internet and I am having issues. Could you help?”

    Me: “Sure. May I please have your modem id?”

    Caller: “001, E as in igloo, A as in apple, 3251, E as in igloo.”

    Me: “So that was 001, Echo, Alpha, 3251, Echo?”

    Caller: “No. E as in Igloo!”

    Me: “Sorry, sir, but Igloo begins with an I.”

    Caller: “The heck it does! Igloo is spelled E-G-L-U-E. I have a G.E.D.—you can’t pull one over on me, Mr. Fancy Pants!”

    Accountants And Their Blue Tape

    | Leicester, UK | Rude & Risque, Technology

    (A client calls us requesting we email him a scan of a document. We promptly send this over to him and he calls back almost immediately.)

    Client: “This scan you have sent me only has one page of the document and the rest of it is pornography!”

    Me: “I’m sorry? There is certainly no chance that this contains any pornography. It looks perfectly fine from our end.

    Client: “But there is. I am looking at it right now!”

    Me: “Which button are you clicking?  The one that says ‘Next Page’ or ‘Next Document’?”

    Client: “Why does that matter?”

    Me: “Well if you are clicking Next Document, you are currently looking at all of the pornography that you have recently been viewing on your computer.”

    Client: “F***!” *hangs up*

    It Captchas Del.icio.us Spam And Cookies

    | Soderhamn, Sweden | Technology

    (I work for a well-known anti-virus company. An customer calls in to ask about the difference in her product and the other ones we carry.)

    Caller: “So what about the cheapest one?”

    Me: “It’s got the anti-virus protection, but it doesn’t protect you from net phishing.”

    Caller: “I see, so what about the one that I’m using right now?”

    Me: “Basically you’ve got both the anti-virus components and also a firewall, which is the recommended one for an average user.”

    Caller: “Oh, I see. So the firewall will protect the computer from catching on fire?”

    Demand A Battery Of Tests ASAP

    | Boston, MA, USA |

    (A customer comes to pick up a phone they had dropped off for repair.)

    Customer: “I’m so glad it is working! What was the problem?”

    Me: “It just needed to be charged.”

    Customer: “No, it was fully charged Friday and then just died.  There must be something else wrong with it. Please look at it further.”

    Me: “Well I did. The battery was at 0%, in fact, you still will need to charge it for quite a while. It is working though.”

    Customer: “No, you keep it and keep looking.” *leaves*

    (The customer comes back two hours later. A co-worker handles it.)

    Customer: “So is it okay?”

    Coworker: “Yes, it turns out there was a problem with the phone’s N.R.G. We have corrected it.”

    Customer: “So that explains it!”


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