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    Logic Board Illogic

    | Indianapolis, IN, USA | Family & Kids, Liars & Scammers, Technology

    Me: “Hello, this is ***.”

    Caller: “I want to get my money back on a laptop I bought.”

    Me: “What’s wrong with it?”

    Caller: “Nothing’s wrong. My mom won’t let me put internet on my laptop, so I don’t want it anymore.”

    Me: “I don’t give refunds. My warranty only covers breaks.”

    Caller: “So, if I break it you will give me my money back?”

    Emulation Alienation

    | Maryland, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (Note: It takes me ten minutes to determine the caller is actually on a Mac running a Windows emulation program.)

    Me: “Does your mouse have one big button?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “So, you are on a Mac? This game is not supported on a Mac. I can’t help you. I’m sorry.”

    Customer: “No, it isn’t. I am running Windows 98.”

    Me: “Look at the side of the computer. Is there a big apple logo on it?”

    Customer: “Of course there is. It’s an Apple computer.”

    Me: “Which means it’s MacOS. This game does not run on that OS.”

    Customer: “But I am in Windows mode.”

    Me: “Are you using SoftWindows to emulate a Windows 98 OS?”

    Customer: “Yes?”

    Me: “We don’t support our titles on that.”

    Customer: “What if I tried changing the drivers?”

    Me: “No, that wouldn’t work sir.”

    Customer: “What if I tried changing other settings?”

    Me: “I’m afraid not. Sir, if you want me to help get it working the system it was designed for I would be happy to do that but I can’t help with emulated Window OS’s on a Mac.”

    Customer: “What if I tried it on my games console?”

    Me: “The Windows version of this game won’t work on a…hang on. Take the disk out of the drive and tell me what color the bottom of it is.”

    Customer: “Black.”

    Me: “This is the console version of the game. Did you try it on your console?”

    Customer: “Yes. I worked fine there.”

    Me: “So, why are you trying to run a console game on a Macintosh with an emulated version of Windows on it?”

    Customer: “I thought it would run faster?”

    His Repair Method Doesn’t Hold Water

    | USA | Extra Stupid, Math & Science, Technology, Top

    (A customer brings his laptop in to be fixed.)

    Customer: “It won’t turn on.”

    (I plug it in, and press the power button, doesn’t work. I flip it over to make sure the battery is locked into place and see rust/corrosion all over the battery.)

    Me: “Whoa! We can’t fix this. It isn’t safe. What happened to it?”

    Customer: “It got hot, so I put water on it.”

    Networking Not Working

    | Victoria, Australia | Technology

    Caller: “I hope this won’t take much time.”

    Me: “It won’t, ma’am, it’s only a few simple steps. First of all, I need you to double click on My Computer.”

    Caller: “Excuse me?”

    Me: “Ma’am, our records show you running a Windows computer. Has that changed?”

    Caller: “I don’t think so.”

    Me: “Okay, now just double click on My Computer for me please.”

    Caller: “How can I do that?”

    Me: “It should be right there in front of you. Make sure all other windows are closed down and you should, hopefully, see it in the top left corner.”

    Caller: “How am I suppose to click on your computer? You must be like hundreds of miles away!”

    There’s A Sucker Infected Every Minute

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Technology

    (A customer is wondering why her anti-virus is asking her to purchase the program.)

    Me: “What is the name of your anti-virus?”

    Customer: “It is [name of a well-known fake anti-virus program].”

    Me: “Ma’am, that is a fake anti-virus. Do not purchase that program because it will not protect your computer.”

    Customer: “No! Why do you want me to disable my anti-virus? I will not get rid of it! It’s keeping my computer safe! I already purchased it three times and it still wants me to pay again! All I want to know is how to stop it from asking me to pay!”

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