November Theme Of The Month: Black Friday!

Their Business Days Are Numbered

| American Fork, UT, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Thank you for calling! Can I have your customer ID number, please?”

Caller: “I don’t have that. Can I give you the business name?”

Me: “Do you have your program open? I can actually tell you how to find your customer ID number.”

Caller: “No, but I have the address.”

Me: “Do you have the phone number by chance? That usually brings it up.”

Caller: “No, but I have the customer number. Will that help?”

Me: “Yes, the customer number would be very helpful…”

Right-Click, Wrong-Click, Part 2

| Chicago, IL, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Sir, to configure the modem I need you to clear your desktop. Right-click on ‘networking’, and then select ‘properties’.”

Customer: “It turned blue. I don’t see ‘properties’. Now what?”

Me: “You don’t see a selection menu?”

Customer: “No, the icon just turned blue.”

Me: “Ah, I see. I need you to right-click on the icon.”

Customer: “I am right-clicking! Nothing is happening.”

Me: “Are you sure you are right-clicking?”

Customer: “Yes! I am right-clicking. As compared to what, wrong-clicking?!”

Me: “No, sir. As compared to left-clicking.”

(There is a noticeable silence.)

Customer: “Oh.”

Right-Click, Wrong-Click

Zombies Need Tech Support Too

| Newcastle, UK | Uncategorized, Zombies

Me: “Thank you for calling [technology firm]. How can I help?”

Caller: “I’ve been charged £60 by you, and I’m not sure why.”

Me: “Okay, what does the bank charge say?”

Caller: “It’s [technology firm] service.”

Me: “Okay, that’s the name of a annual subscription we offer.”

Caller: “Oh. I think my husband has that, but I’m not sure.”

Me: “Well, can you check with him? We don’t want to cancel if he uses it.”

Caller: “Well, I’d like to ask him. But he died on Tuesday, so I can’t get in contact with him.”

Me: “I think we can probably cancel that for you.”

Zombies Need Healthcare Too
Zombies Need High Speed Internet Too

Plight Of The Navigator

, | Provo, UT, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Thank you for calling [ISP] technical support. How can I help you?”

Customer: “How do I get to”

Me: “Type into the navigation field of your web browser and hit enter.”

Customer: “Huh. It says gmail: email from Google. The next one is Gmail – Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. Then, just a big list of things with ‘gmail’ in it.”

Me: “Just a moment, sir. Where exactly did you type”

Customer: “Into the box where the words go, near the top.”

Me: “Is there another box with words in it even higher up? Maybe starting with http://. It’s probably followed by a www?”

Customer: “Huh? What does that have to do with anything?”

Me: “What does it say in that box?”

Customer: “It says Then, there’s a bunch of other stuff. Oh. Wait. What?”

Me: “Well, what that is–”

Customer: “Somebody needs to tell Gmail what Yahoo did to them!”

How To Make Them As Silent As A Mouse

, | Allentown, PA, USA | Technology, Top

(I work engineering support late in the evening.)

Me: “Pennsylvania Support Center. How may I help you?”

Caller: “The cleaning crew just came through my office, and now my mouse doesn’t work. The cursor just jumps all over the screen randomly when I move it. They broke my mouse. I need a new one.”

Me: “You have a SPARCstation with an optical mouse, correct?”

Caller: “Yes, with the cool glass mouse-pad.”

(Old-school optical mice used to require special reflective mouse-pads with grids etched into their surfaces. To increase tracking resolution, the vertical and horizontal grids had slightly different spacing.)

Me: “Did the cleaning crew wipe down your desk?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “Did they move your mouse-pad?”

Caller: “What does that have to do with anything?”

Me: “Did your mouse-pad get rotated? Is the long edge of the mouse-pad now parallel to the edge of your desk?”

Caller: “I really don’t see why that’s relevant. I just want a new mouse!”

Me: “The orientation of the mouse-pad matters. The–”

(The caller cuts me off and starts to yell. I realize that I can actually hear his voice coming from down the hall.)

Caller: “Listen! Just open a ticket and have someone bring me a new mouse. I don’t have time for this. I design chips, so I know what I’m talking about. I probably designed the chip in the phone you’re stuck answering all day!”

(I take off my headset, walk down the hall, and walk into his office up to his desk.)

Caller: “…so don’t try to bulls*** me with, oh. Hold on, someone is in my office.”

(I reach down, and rotate his mouse-pad 90 degrees. I move the mouse, and the cursor happily moves around the screen as expected. I walk out of his office, back down the hall, sit down at my desk, and put my headset back on.)

Caller: *silence*

Me: “Thank you for calling Pennsylvania Support Center. I trust I have resolved your case.”

Caller: *silence*

Me: “You will be receiving your ticket number via email. Thank you.”

Caller: *click*