Me: “Thank you for calling tech support. This is ***, can I get your account number?”

Caller: “Well, I don’t have your service. I just have a question.”

Me: “Okay, what is your question?”

Caller: “My remote doesn’t work.”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry about that, but we are an internet company and this is internet tech support.”

Caller: “I know that, but why can’t you help me?”

Me: “We don’t do anything with TVs.”

Caller: “It’s not my TV. It’s my remote.”

Me: “Your remote for your TV?”

Caller: “No!”

Me: “Your remote for what?”

Caller: “My television!”

Me: “Okay…well, we still can’t help you with that.”

Caller: “This tech support is stupid! You are all stupid!”

Me: “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

Caller: “I wouldn’t if you fixed my remote. The buttons aren’t making the television change.”

Me: “Have you tried changing out the batteries?”

Caller: “What do you think I am, stupid, like you? Of course I didn’t do that! It would shut the remote off!” *hangs up*

Me: “Hi, this is [college] help desk. What can I do for you?

Caller: *sobbing* “You have got to help me!”

Me: “Okay, miss. What seems to be the problem?”

Caller: “I have this huge rash all over my butt!”

Me: “Miss, you do realize this is a tech help desk…like, for computers?”

Caller: “But I don’t know who else to call!”

Me: “Well, you could try health services. I can get you the number.”

Caller: “No, I already called them.”

Me: “And they couldn’t help you?”

Caller: “They wanted me to come in! But I don’t want people to know. Can’t you just tell me how to get rid of it?”

Me: “Miss, I honestly have no idea. I’ve never had your…problem.”

Caller: “What about your friends?”

Me: “Well, none that I know of.”

Caller: “Oh my God, I AM a freak!” *hangs up while still sobbing*

Customer: “My internet seems to be out. Most of the lights on the modem are blinking. I tried unplugging it and plugging it back in. Then I started yelling at it, now I’m out of ideas.”

Me: “Have you tried a manual reset?”

Customer: “Again, I did the ‘unplug and wait three minutes before plugging it back in’ thing.”

Me: “Yes, but there is a manual on/off button on the back of the router.”

Customer: *silence* “OH MY GOD! Well…let it be known that I acknowledge my own stupidity and I hope this experience hasn’t damaged your faith in humanity too severely.”

Me: “No problem sir. I’m glad we could get it resolved and I hope you have a nice day.”

Customer: “Well, I’m brain dead…” *hangs up*

Me: “Hi, thank you for calling [cell phone company]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Yeah, my phone is frozen and I can’t seem to get it do anything.”

Me: “Seems like we need to do a soft reset. Take off the back cover and look for a little hole that says reset next to it.”

Customer: “I don’t see it.”

Me: “Okay, follow the line down to it that’s next to the battery.”

Customer: “I still can’t find it.”

(After 25 minutes and several failed attempts at trying to find the reset button…)

Customer: “Oh, wait a minute…I think I know why. The lights are off in here.”

Me: “The…lights are off?”

Customer: “Give me a few moments and I’ll walk to the next room.”

Me: “Thank you for calling ***, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, yes. I just got back from surgery and I can’t remember my email password.”

Me: “Sure, I’ll be glad to help. Let me pull up your account and we can reset your password.”

(We proceed with a very routine process of setting a new email password. About halfway through, she bursts out laughing.)

Customer: “I’m sorry. My coworkers just handed me a card congratulating me on the new twins. I guess you can tell what kind of surgery I had, huh?”

Me: “I gu–”

Customer: “I’ve got BOOBS!”