Customer: “I got just back from my vacation and all of a sudden my internet connection isn’t working anymore. Have you got a technical problem in my area or something.”

Me: “No ma’am, as far as I know there aren’t any problems at this moment. Can you check which status lights are burning on your modem?”

(Now this is a standard check we do to troubleshoot; it’s very easy to tackle when something’s going wrong.)

Customer: “Alright, well, all lights are off. Are you sure there couldn’t be a problem on your side?”

Me: “No miss, there aren’t any problems. I checked it when you were checking the status lights. But they were all off, you said?”

Customer: “Yeah, there wasn’t a light burning on my modem. What could that mean?”

Me: “Well, that could mean two things: Either the modem is broken or…”

Customer: “No, it can’t be broken, it’s almost brand new! You just want me to buy a new one so that it’s not your problem anymore, am I right?”

Me: “Well, to be honest: You’re not. I didn’t even finish my sentence yet. I said the modem COULD be broken, and if it’s broken and still brand new you’ll get a new one. The problem could also be that the power plug isn’t connected to the outlet properly. Maybe you’ve forgotten to plug it in after you came home from your holiday?”

Customer: “Are you implying that I’m so dumb that I’d forget that? It’s just broken so send me a new one!”

Me: “No, I’m not. But could you please check it, just to be sure?”

Customer: “Alright then…”

(After a minute.)

Customer: “Yeah, you were right, it wasn’t connected. But I’m sure this could happen to everyone!”

Me: “I suppose so. Have a nice day!”

(This was a few years ago, when I worked for tech support at my college.)

Me: “***** College tech support, this is *****. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, I’m having trouble with my e-mail client. I can’t figure out how to set up my account.”

Me: “No problem, let me walk you through it.”

(I talk her through the account set up screens. Finally, when we’re done…)

Me: “All right, click on ‘OK’ and you should be all set.”

Caller: “What ‘OK’? I don’t see anything that says ‘OK’.”

Me: “There’s a button to the lower right of the window that says ‘OK’, next to the ‘Cancel’ button.”

Caller: “I don’t see it.”

(This exchange goes on for about 5 minutes. I have the program open on my computer and describe the window to make sure she’s in the right spot, and she is. I make sure she’s running the same version, she is.)

Me: “Ma’am, I have the program open right now, and there should be an ‘OK’ button to the right of a ‘”Cancel’ button…at the bottom right of the screen.”

Caller: “That’s so strange…I just don’t see one.”

Me: “Hmm. Well, what building are you in? Maybe I could help you better in person.”

Caller: “I’m in the–oh, wait! You mean THAT ‘OK’ button?”

Me: “The one at the bottom right, next to a ‘Cancel’ button?”

Caller: “Yes!”

Me: “…yes. Click on that.”

Caller: “Thank you!”

(The other IT techs were laughing throughout this whole conversation… then one informed me that the caller was actually head of the college’s financial aid department. I suddenly understood why half of my friends were having problems with their financial aid.)

Me: “You’re through to ****** tech support, can I take your telephone number?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Okay, can I take your post code instead?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Okay sir, I’m trying to help but I need to bring your account details up in my system.”

Customer, rather angrily: “What the **** do you want my details for? I can’t connect to the internet, you need to sort it out!”

Me: “I will do my best, sir, but like I explained I need to bring up your account details to verify what the problem seems to be.”

Customer, screaming: “That’s it, I’m calling your complaints department. This is ***** ridiculous. I also want to speak to your manager NOW!”

Me: “Sorry sir, I cant do that as you haven’t verified any of your account details.”

Customer: “That’s it, I’m leaving your provider for somebody else!”

Me: “Thanks for calling ***** technical support. Have a nice day!”

(Two minutes later my manager comes over and just bursts out laughing.)

Related:
If Dr. Phil Has Hair, I’m A Friggin’ Sasquatch
Speaking Stupidese
Why Don’t We Stamp It On Your Forehead
Egocentrism Meets Geocentrism
You Be Telepathic So I Can Be Lazy
(Telepathic) Help Wanted

Customer: “I need a fan.”

Me: “What kind of fan?”

Customer: “A fan for where I plug my modem in.”

Me: “Do you have it with you?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

(Customer leaves and returns with the computer. A hair dryer is duct-taped to the power supply, nozzle pointing into where the fan normally sits.)

Me, dumbfounded: “Why is there a hairdryer taped to your computer?”

Customer: “Well, I have to keep it warm, or it will freeze up.”

Related:
You Go On Wit Yo Bad DIY Self!

Me: “Thank you for calling *****, how may I assist you today?”

Customer: “Hi, I need a new computer.”

Me: “I’m sorry? You need a new computer?”

Customer: “Yeah, I just bought this one and it’s no good, it’s been hacked!”

Me: “This is software support. We can’t replace your hardware, but if you describe the problems you’re having I can try to help you fix them.”

Customer: *irritated and sighing* “Some f***ing hacker broke into my computer and put dirty words everywhere! Now I can’t even let my kids use the computer for their homework, because of the obscene language that randomly pops up on the screen!”

Me: “Sounds like a virus, do you have an anti-virus installed?”

Customer: “I have McAfee and I already tried that 10 TIMES! It didn’t even find anything! Everything on this computer is just worthless and I’m sick of–”

Me: “OK sir, please calm down so I can help you. Can you tell me where you are seeing dirty words?”

Customer: “In AOL instant messenger and WordPad. Every time I open one of them it says “ASSHOLE” on the screen!”

Me: “Where?”

Customer: “I don’t know, why does that matter?”

Me: “I’m trying to figure out what’s wrong with your machine, sir. Can you please open WordPad or AIM and tell me where you see that word?”

Customer: *grumbling* “I’m opening instant messenger- there it is! It’s not ‘asshole’ though, it’s ‘anal’- same thing! How do I get rid of this?!”

Me: “Where does it say ‘anal’?”

Customer: “When I click on my friend’s name and the box pops up, it says ‘anal’ right above where you type!”

Me: “Are you sure it says ‘anal’ and not ‘arial’?

Customer: “What the hell is ‘arial’?”

Me: “It’s a font sir; it’s spelled A-R-I-A-L.”

(At this point the customer went silent for about 15 seconds, and then hung up the phone.)

Me: “Can I get your domain name please?”

Customer: “something@yahoo.com”

Me: “That’s actually an email address. What I’m looking for is something similar to www.website.com.”

Customer: “www.something@yahoo.com.”

Me: *sigh* “Can I get your name?”

Me: “Thank you for calling C** Technologies, how can I help?”

Customer, very irate: “Yeah! I didn’t pay my internet bill and now its saying my account is suspended and I want to know why!”

Me: “Okay, you didn’t pay your bill, we suspended your account and you would like to know why?”

Customer: “Yes! Why? Why did you suspend it?”

Me: “Alright, let me take a look here…my system shows it suspended the account because you didn’t pay the last bill we sent.”

Customer: “I know I didn’t pay the bill! Have a little f**king sympathy here! Are you customer service??”

Me: “I’m tech support.”

Customer: “Where is customer service at?!?”

Me: “Our billing department handles all our customer service issues, I’ll transfer you down to them.”

Customer: “You’re acting like a real a**hole you know that? You need to have more empathy for people!”

Me, in the most uppity happy-go-lucky voice ever conceived; I almost gagged from bringing so much joy up: “You have yourself a fabulously sunshine-filled day, sir!”

Customer: “WHATS YOUR F**KING NA–” *click*

(Gotta love that transfer button…)

Me, checking a customer’s network connection: “…so you double-click with the left button of your mouse on the Local Area Connection icon.”

Customer: “What? Double-kick?”

Me: “No, double-click; I mean you click twice, consecutively with the left button of your mouse on the Local Area Connection icon.”

Customer: “Double-kick?”

Me: “Yes, double-kick your monitor.”