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    An Open And Shut Case

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    Me: “Hello, [Tech Support]. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “I just got your wireless internet thingy, but I’m not sure I like it.”

    Me: “What’s wrong with it?”

    Caller: “Oh, nothing’s wrong with it. It’s much faster than my old internet; but do I always have to open my windows? I hate opening up the windows.”

    Me: “What computer do you have?”

    Caller: “I have a Mac.”

    Me: “Then how do you–”

    Caller: “Oh! No. Not that computer windows thing! I don’t have that! I mean my actual windows around my house!”

    Me: “You’re… opening up you’re windows around your house?”

    Caller: “Yes! And it’s really chilly today!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I hate to interrupt, but why is this relevant to your internet problem?”

    Caller: “Well, it’s wireless! It comes through the air, right? How else am I going to get it if the windows are closed?”

    Power To The People

    | Westchester, NY, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (I work for a company that provides both phone support and on-site support for residential customers.)

    Caller: “Hello, I seem to be having an issue with my internet. It’s not working.”

    Me: “Well I’m sure we can fix that. First thing’s first–can we reboot the computer?”

    Caller: “I don’t know how to do that.”

    Me: “Well, by reboot, I mean restart. I believe you have a [brand] computer. That should be running [operating system], correct?”

    Caller: “It’s a something [brand]?”

    Me: “Just click on the start button in the lower left hand corner of the screen. Then select ‘Turn off computer’.”

    Caller: “I can’t find the start button.”

    Me: “Well it might just be hidden. How about we just turn the power off on the laptop.”

    Caller: “I don’t know how to do that.”

    Me: “Just press the power button on the computer. Hold it down, and the computer will turn off.”

    Caller: “I don’t know what the power button is.”

    Me: “How do you normally turn the computer on or off?”

    Caller: “I never have.”

    Me: (I check the records to reveal she’s had the computer for 6 months.) “Well, can you possibly find the power button on the computer? It could be on the side. It should be glowing green. It has the power symbol on it.”

    Caller: “What’s that?”

    Me: “It looks like this problem will require a tech to be sent out.”

    Winding Down On Dialing Up

    | Hawaii, USA | Family & Kids, Technology

    Me: “Thank you for contacting technical support. How can I help you?”

    Customer: *whispering* “Can you shut my internet off for four hours?”

    Me: “I could disable the port, but may I ask why?”

    Customer: *whispering* “My son has been locked in his room since last night and he won’t come out or talk to me. He hasn’t eaten breakfast yet and it’s 3 pm.”

    Me: “I suppose I could, however, you will need to call us to re-enable your connection.”

    Customer: “Thank you! I don’t know what he’s doing in there on the computer. It’s been like this since we got your internet.”

    Me: “Your connection has been disabled. Is there anything else I can do for you tonight?”

    Customer: “No, thank you. I hope he comes out soon!”

    Spelling Gone Rogue

    | North Carolina, USA | Funny Names, Technology

    Caller: “I have a question about my account.”

    Me: “I’d be happy to help! What email address do you use to log in?”

    Caller: “It’s rogue@[email host].com.”

    Me: “Sorry sir, I can’t seem to find that email in the system. To confirm, let me spell out the full address: r-o-g-u-e@[email host].com?”

    Caller: “No, it’s *****r-o-u-g-e!”

    Me: “Oh, “rouge” like the makeup. The word “rogue” is spelled r-o-g-u-e.”

    Caller: “That’s not how “rogue” is spelled! I can’t believe how stupid your customer service is!”

    Me: “If you want to be sure, you can check a dictionary for the correct spelling.”

    Caller: “Fine, I will! I’m going to search dictionary.com right now!”

    (A minute passes as he searches.)

    Caller: “F***! I’ve been using this email for years! I can’t believe my guild members never pointed this out to me!” *hangs up*

    Upgrading Faster Than A Fox In A Fire

    | North Carolina, USA | Technology

    (I’m working with a caller on a bug they’ve found on our website.)

    Me: "Okay, I need to know what Internet browser you’re working on. Internet Explorer? Firefox?"

    Caller: "I’m using Firefox."

    Me: "Great, now do you know what version of Firefox you’re using?"

    Caller: "Yes, I’m using version 12" *note: the highest version of Firefox is currently 3.6*

    Me: *jokingly* "Firefox 12? That must mean you’re from the future! Wow! What’s the new Firefox like? In my time, we only have version 3.6."

    Caller: "It’s pretty nice, I guess."

    Me: *still jokingly* "Do you have hover-cars yet?"

    Caller: "Um…"

    Me: "Sorry, that was a joke. What I want you to do is email me a screen capture of the bug you’re experiencing, as well as of the specific version of Firefox you’re using. I can give you instructions on how to do so."

    (30 minutes later I receive an email with the screen captures. Turns out she was using Internet Explorer 7.)

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