Customer: “My internet is not working.”

Me: “I can help you with that. Are the lights on your modem lit?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Good, is the one labeled ‘online’ blinking?”

Customer: “I don’t have a light like that, but it does have the time.”

Me: “The…time?”

Customer: “Yes, and there’s a button labeled snooze!”

(I’m trying to instruct a caller how to visit a website.)

Customer: “It says ‘page cannot be displayed’.”

Me: “Okay, please go to google.com.”

Customer: “Okay, it came up.”

Me: “Alright, it looks like we got the address wrong the first time. Let’s try it again.” *I spell out the entire URL*

Customer: “It’s still not working.”

Me: “OK, could you please spell it back to me?”

Customer: “H-T-T-P-F…”

Me: “I see what happened here. At the beginning we need to put H-T-T-P-S as in ‘Sierra’.”

Customer: “OK, H-T-T-P-F…”

Me: “No, not F as in Frank, S as in Sam. S as in sample.”

Customer: “H-T-T-P-F…”

Me: “Sir, no, we need to make sure that it is an S as in Sierra.” S as in solution.”

Customer: *really upset at this point* “YOU’RE NOT MAKING ANY SENSE! F AS IN SIERRA?! F AS IN SIERRA?! SIERRA BEGINS WITH AN S!

(I am helping an elderly caller troubleshoot her computer issue, and I ask her to unplug her router. I hear a strange noise, after which her voice sounds very distant.)

Caller: “Okay, it’s unplugged.”

Me: “You sound really far away, ma’am. Did you drop the phone or something?”

Caller: “No, all I did was open the window… oh!”

(The caller starts laughing hysterically, and I can now hear her clearly.)

Me: “What happened, ma’am?”

Caller: “I was accidentally holding the mouse to my ear instead of the phone!”

(We are technical support for a VoIP telephone company, which means they have to have broadband internet for their phone to work.)

Customer: *on the phone* “Sales just sent me to you because I wasn’t sure if what I have is internet.”

Me: “Okay, sir, I can help you determine that. Who is your service through?”

Customer: *names phone company that provides DSL* “It’s so when people call me, they can leave a message.”

Me: “Okay, sir, that would be your answering service. Internet would be another feature you pay $30 to $60 a month for, and they would send you a small box that hooks to your computer.”

Customer: “Computers are evil. I bought one and got rid of it the next day!”

Me: “Our phone service is not going to be right for you, sir. If you’d like we could help you find internet, but without a computer you would be paying only to sustain the phone.”

Customer: “I don’t want no evil internet! Goodbye!” *hangs up*

Me: *on the phone* “Hello, how can I help you?”

Customer: “My cable won’t stop changing channels.”

(I walk the customer through a basic re-set.)

Me: “Has that resolved the issue?”

Customer: “No, it’s still changing channels.”

Me: “OK, you’re just watching it and it’s just randomly changing channels by itself?”

Customer: “Yes, when I press the channel up and down buttons on the remote, it keeps changing channels.”

Me: “…that’s the purpose of the channel buttons.”

Customer: “Well, how do I get it to stop changing channels?”

Me: “Stop pressing the channel buttons.”

Customer: *getting irritated* “But I want to press the channel buttons, but it won’t stop changing.”

Me: “If you don’t want it to change, stop pressing the buttons.”

Customer: “Oh…but how do I get it to stop?”

Me: “Put your remote down and don’t touch it.”

Customer: “That’s ridiculous, why would you have that button if it’s just going to change the channels?!”

Me: “Thank you for calling [cable company], how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, my cable box is doing that tiling thing.”

Me: “I can help you with that. Let’s try and reboot the box. I need you to unplug it.”

Customer: “My wife is recording a show. Will that be affected?”

Me: “Unfortunately, yes. If you unplug the box, the DVR will stop recording.”

Customer: “Do you think I should should wait, and call back later when it’s done?”

Me: *chuckles* “That depends on how much trouble you’ll get in with your wife.”

Customer: *laughs nervously* “Yeah, you’re right. She’ll lock me in the basement again…I’ll wait, thank you.”

Me: “So you want to return the game then, right?”

Customer: “Yeah, and I wanna make sure I’m covered by the warranty.”

Me: “You should be, as you purchased the game within 90 days.”

Customer:“Okay, but let’s say that there are bite marks on the CD. Would the warranty still cover that?”

Me: “…I’m sorry, what?”

Customer: “I may have become a little upset when I couldn’t install the game and I might have chewed on the disc a bit…”

(Our customers log calls in a queue, and we call them back in order of priority. This customer has a very low priority call, but is trying to jump the queue.)

Customer: “We can’t work here. Are you sure there’s nothing you can do?”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, this really is a cosmetic issue. It shouldn’t get in the way of your work.”

Customer: “Even if we manage to send chocolate to the office? I’m sure that’ll help.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but of all the agents here, you’ve picked the one that’s alergic to chocolate.”

Customer: “D***. Well, how about a bottle of wine? Is that worth a few spots in the queue?”

Me: “I don’t drink. I’m sorry, ma’am, it’s not your lucky day.”

Customer: “Okay, you’ve driven me to it. I’m batting my eyelashes here! You really should see it. How about lunch next week?”

Me: “That’s three strikes, ma’am… I think my husband would complain if I started dating girls. Sorry, I’m gay.”

Customer: “…”

Me: “Ma’am?”

Customer: “You’re not making any of this up, are you?”

Me: “We’ll have someone give you a call back when your call is next in the queue, ma’am. Have a nice day.”

Me: “Thank you for calling [cable company]. My name is ***, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I’m being hunted by the FBI.”

Me: “Sorry to hear about that…is there something I can help you with?”

Customer: “The problem is, my cable TV is fine but no internet. The lights on the modem aren’t solid.”

(As we go through all the normal steps, I hear the sounds of cars passing by and honking in the background.)

Me: “Um, where are you?”

Customer: “Oh, on the pole.”

Me: “The…telephone pole?”

Customer: “Yes, I’ve stripped the wire going to the house and stuck it directly in the modem. It still doesn’t work.”

Me: “How are you powering your modem then?”

Customer: “Oh, I have about 3-4 extension cords coming from my house. You know that it’s easier for the government to track what you watch on TV then what you do on the internet? I think I will cancel my cable TV.”

Me: “Is that what you want to do? I can get a tech for you tomorrow morning if you want.”

Customer: “Nah, just send me to billing.”

Related: Tin Foil Hats (Wikipedia)

Me: “Welcome to ****! How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Yeah, my keyboard won’t work.”

Me: “Okay sir, what happened?”

Customer: “Well, it got dirty, so I ran it through the dishwasher.”

Me: “You what?”

Customer: “Ran it through the dishwasher. I did it once before and it worked. So, can I get a new one?”