(A customer calls for a replacement MP3 player due to a manufacturer defect.)

Me: “I’d be happy to set up a replacement for you. May I have the email address that the device is registered to?”

Customer: “It’s my boyfriend’s. I don’t know the email address.”

Me: “Okay, what’s wrong with the MP3 player?”

Customer: “I don’t know. It just needs to be replaced.”

Me: “Sure. What address do you want it shipped to?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Me: “Would you like to have your boyfriend give us a call when he is ready to set up the replacement?”

Customer: “Oh, no. He doesn’t know what he’s doing!”

(I work as a security manager and share an office with the tech support teams in a hospital. One day, the client walks into the office.)

Client: “My windows login says it’s disabled.”

IT Support member: “Yes, I disabled it because when I came to service your printer last night, I noticed your password was written down next to your keyboard.”

Client: “I write it down because I always forget it.”

IT Support member: “I disabled it because you are not supposed to do that.”

Client: “Well, can I have a new password and my account enabled?”

Me: “I hope you are not going to write it down again. It’s a serious offence, especially given you have access to patient details.”

Client: *angrily* “Well, I’m writing it down anyway. What are you going to do about it?!”

Me: “We can disable your account permanently and recommend disciplinary action against you.”

Client: “Ha! Well, go ahead. I don’t care. You can’t do anything to me. I’ve been here for years and I retire in two years anyway, so there!”

(The next day, the same client comes back to my office.)

Client: “My computer is not in my office.”

Me: “That’s correct, it’s currently being rebuilt.”

Client: “When can I get it back?”

Me: “I’ve spoken to your manager. He said you can do your job without a computer for the next two years.”

Me: “Thank you for calling technical support. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I was calling because I am having some troubles.”

Me: “And what troubles are you having?”

Customer: “I don’t know how much water goes into my soup.”

(I’m about to tell her she can’t call us for stuff like this, until I realize it would be so much easier to just help her.)

Me: “Ma’am, are there directions anywhere on the side?”

Customer: “Oh, right.” *hangs up*

(I am explaining to a customer that his cellphone is not covered under warranty because is suffering from water damage.)

Customer: “But I didn’t get it wet!”

Me: “You told me you took it to the foam night party at the local bar.”

Customer: “Yes, but that’s foam, not liquid.”

Me: “Did you notice that you came out wet, though?”

Customer: “Yes, but it’s not water! How can it be liquid damage?!”

Customer: “So, I bought this printer from you and set it all up. My computer keeps saying ‘printer not found’.”

Me: “Well, that doesn’t sound right. Could you tell me what you have tried so far?”

Customer: “Well, I turned the screen towards the printer, but the computer still keeps telling me that it can’t find the printer…”

Me: “[Company] tech support, how may I help you?”

Caller: “Hi, I’ve got a problem. Your program is telling me to get a pet snake. I don’t want one.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Caller: “It’s giving me a message telling me I need a snake to run it.”

Me: “Read the message to me please.”

Caller: “Error: Python required to run script.”

Me: “Thank you for choosing [company]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “My internet’s not working.”

Me: “Okay, I can help–”

Customer: “It’s your f***ing network!”

Me: “Okay, I can see your frustra–”

Customer: “[Company] is a piece of s***!”

Me: “Ma’am, we’re both people and I’d respect it if you treat me like one.”

Customer: *sigh* “Fix it.”

Me: “Your ethernet cord is unplugged.”

(The customer notices this and plugs in ethernet cord.)

Customer: “Oh, I’m sorry.”

Me: “Hi, this is [computer repair]. How may I help you today?”

Customer: “Hi, I think there’s a problem with my computer. I was online and lots of windows starting popping up. Then, it locked up and I couldn’t do anything.”

Me: “That sounds like it has a virus. Just don’t touch it. Bring it in, and we’ll take a look at it, okay?”

Customer: “Oh no! I’ll be down shortly.”

(About thirty minutes later, a woman comes in with a disgusted and terrified look on her face. She is carrying her computer in a black trash bag.)

Customer: *hands me bag with outstretched hands* “Here, take it!”

Me: “Why is it in a black trash bag?”

Customer: “I didn’t want to catch the virus!”