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    About To Kick The Can

    | Mount Vernon, OH, USA |

    Me: “Good afternoon. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah. I was wondering how I can delete stuff from my trash bin?”

    Me: “That’s an easy fix. Just right click on the icon, and click ‘empty recycling bin’. Got that?”

    Customer: *clicking noise* “Okay. Now, how do I get them back?”

    Some Customers Can Make You See Red

    | Tampa, FL, USA |

    Customer: “I am highly dissatisfied with the support I have received so far. I expressly asked for a red system. This is silver.”

    Me: “Sir, this is technical support.”

    Customer: “I know it is! My system is supposed to be red!”

    Me: “Did you order it red?”

    Customer: “The sales person didn’t tell me different colors were available.”

    Me: “You should probably talk to sales. I can transfer you.”

    Customer: “Is this the kind of support you guys offer? I have a problem here.”

    Me: “Sir, is you computer functioning?”

    Customer: “I’m sorry?”

    Me: “Does your computer turn on?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Does it connect to the internet?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Do all of your programs load?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “From a technical stand point, is there anything wrong with your system?”

    Customer: “Technically, it’s not red.”

    The Pen Is Mightier Than The Brain

    | Reston, VA, USA | Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling tech support. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I would like to change my desktop background. Can you help me?”

    Me: “Sure, no problem. Are you on your desktop?”

    Customer: “Yes, I am.”

    Me: “Okay, I would like you to right click on the desktop.”

    Customer: “You want me to right click?”

    Me: “Yes, sir.”

    Customer: “Nothing is happening.”

    Me: “That’s odd. Well, right click again. Let’s see if anything happens.”

    Customer: “Nope, still nothing.”

    Me: “Okay, let me come over to your desk. I will try to see what’s going on.”

    (I walk over to the user’s desk. As I approach, I notice the user wrote the word ‘click’ twice on the monitor with a sharpie.)

    Not A Creature Was Stirring, Not Even A Mouse

    | Boston, MA, USA |

    Me: “Hello, [computer company] support. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “My son just bought me a computer today. He showed me how to use things like internet. But now I can’t close the window. When I click the close button, it directs me to a search page.”

    Me: “Are you sure you’re clicking the close button?”

    Customer: “Yes, I am. I’m putting the mouse on the top left corner of the mouse pad, in the same place where the close button on the window is. I’m clicking the mouse, and the search page pops up.”

    Me: “Ma’am, you actually need to drag the mouse on the mouse pad until it’s over the close button. Then you click the mouse.”

    (There are five seconds of extremely loud clicking, followed by a frustrated grunt.)

    Customer: “It still isn’t working.”

    Me: “Okay. There are other ways to close the window. Try pressing alt and F4.”

    Customer: “Oh, that sounds far to complicated. I’ll just get my son on the next flight from Arizona to come fix it.”

    Not Remotely Intelligent, Part 5

    | Ontario, Canada |

    (A caller is saying that her cable isn’t working. I determine that her TV simply is not switched on.)

    Me: “Okay. I just need you to press the power button on your remote, and your TV will work.”

    Customer: “I can’t find the remote! Make it work!”

    Me: “Don’t worry. Just press the power button on your TV for me.”

    Customer: “I don’t have a power button on my TV!”

    Me: “Okay. Can you do me a favor and read out the buttons you see on your TV?”

    Customer: “The first one says ‘pooer’.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

    Customer: “Pooer.”

    Me: “Can you spell that for me, please?”

    Customer: “P-O-W-E-R.”

    Me: “Great, that’s your power button.”

    Customer: “No, it says ‘pooer’.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I assure you that’s your power button. Please just press it.”

    Customer: “Well, they must have misspelled it.”

    Related:
    Not Remotely Intelligent, Part 4
    Not Remotely Intelligent, Part 3
    Not Remotely Intelligent, Part 2
    Not Remotely Intelligent

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