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    Lieutenant Dan’s Fruit Company

    | Vejle, Denmark | Spouses & Partners, Technology

    Caller: “It won’t stop loading! I’ve been waiting for twenty minutes and it hasn’t stopped loading yet! Help me!”

    Me: “Alright, ma’am. Let’s start by refreshing the page.”

    Caller: “Re… what?”

    Me: “Refreshing, ma’am.”

    Caller: “How do I do so?”

    Me: “Which kind if computer do you have?”

    Caller: “Why?”

    Me: “Which button you have to push depends on your computer. Is it a normal PC or an Apple?”

    Caller, to husband: “Honey, she’s rambling! Now she thinks we’re selling apples! How stupid does she think I am!?” *click*

    It’s Gonna Be A Long Call, Part 5

    | Louisiana, USA |

    (I work as a tech support agent at a university. I receive a call from a woman working in another office, asking if she can direct a student to me to assist with setting up his email account. A minute later, I receive a call from a young man.)

    Me: “[University] Computing Call Center.”

    Caller: “Hi, I’m trying to get my password.”

    Me: “Yes, sir. Did someone just call me about you?”

    Caller, to people in his office: “Did somebody just call about me?”

    Caller, to me: “Yes.”

    Me: “Alright, sir, in order to determine your username and password, you’ll need to be in front of a computer. Are you at a computer now?”

    Caller, to people in his office: “Am I at a computer?”

    Related:
    It’s Gonna Be A Long Call, Part 4
    It’s Gonna Be A Long Call, Part 3
    It’s Gonna Be A Long Call, Part 2
    It’s Gonna Be A Long Call

    What She Needs Is A Skynet

    | Flagstaff, AZ, USA |

    Customer: “Hello, I have a problem. My computer doesn’t do anything.”

    Me: “You mean that it doesn’t turn on?”

    Customer: “It turns on just fine, but then it doesn’t do anything after that.

    Me: “So you mean that after turning on, you simply get a blank creen?”

    Customer: “No, it shows the manufacturer’s logo for a moment, then it says ‘loading’.”

    Me: “And it just gets stuck there, then?”

    Customer: “No. After that there’s a picture of a green field and a blue sky.”

    Me: “Well, that’s the default desktop. That all sounds right.”

    Customer: “But it doesn’t do anything! I’ve left it for hours and hours and nothing will happen once it gets there!”

    Me: “So even if you click on an icon or a button or try to move the mouse, there’s no response? Could you try to be a little more specific about the problem?”

    Customer: “Mouse? Icons? Why would I try to click on anything?! My friend told me this thing could do my taxes and my homework but it just sits there all day and doesn’t do anything!”

    Do Not Pass Go

    | Haarlem, The Netherlands |

    (My company provides web-design and hosting. A new customer, who’s just been sent his e-mail settings and password to his private account, calls.)

    Customer: “I followed the instructions on setting up my e-mail, but my mail client keeps giving an error.”

    Me: “Okay, what’s the error?”

    Customer: “It says ‘error logging into remote server’.”

    Me: “Right. You’re sure you entered the correct credentials from the mail we sent you?”

    (The customer affirms that, so I logon to the mail server to examine the logs.)

    Me: “Okay, I’m looking at the logs right now. Can you try to login again, so I can see what the exact error message is the server is giving?”

    (Over the next ten minutes or so I try a few other things.)

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, I’m running out of options. Just to be sure, could you literally copy and paste your password into the password field? Every so often people mistake a zero for an ‘O’ or such.”

    Customer: “That’s not necessary. I always use the same password for all my email-accounts. I think I know it pretty well.” *chuckles confidently*

    Me: “Sir, how would we know your preferred password? You’ll need to enter the one in the account mail we sent you.”

    Customer: “Ah, I had been wondering what that funny word was.”

    Attempting Mouse To Mouse Resuscitation

    | USA |

    Customer: “I plugged a mouse into my computer, and it died. Now I can’t get it out.”

    (We review for a few minutes and I deduce that he has plugged a mouse into his USB port, but it’s stuck inside and won’t work.)

    Me: “Okay, so grab the cord and try to pull on that.”

    Customer: “You mean the tail? That’s already in the port.”

    Me: “Well, the cord shouldn’t be. You’re supposed to plug in the other end.”

    Customer: “You mean the head? I don’t think it would fit.”

    (Suddenly realizing what the customer has done.)

    Me: “Did you plug in a live mouse to your computer?”

    Customer: “Yes, I believe I said that.”

    (I put customer on hold for several minutes. When I recover I realize I don’t know what to tell the customer I call my supervisor who instructs the customer to bring the laptop into a repair shop. I get the customer back on and tell him this information.)

    Customer: “But Mickey’s gone for good now, right?”

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