Tech Support | San Antonio, TX, USA
(A customer calls in, unable to connect to wireless internet. I have her navigate to the connection screen.)
Me: “Okay, ma’am. Do you see the name of your wireless network in the list of available networks?”
Customer: “I don’t know which one is mine.”
(I proceed to authenticate the customer and provide the name of her network.)
Customer: “No, I don’t see that listed.”
Me: “It’s possible that your router glitched. I’m going to have you go ahead and power it down.”
Customer: “What’s that?”
Me: “It’s the main box that we install in your home when we set up service. It broadcasts the wireless signal. We’re going to reset it and see if your signal comes back.”
Customer: “I can’t do that?”
Me: “Is it out of reach?”
Customer: “No, I’m at a friend’s house.”
Me: “Ma’am, where are you located at right now?”
Customer: “Las Vegas.”
Me: And where is your router located?
Customer: “Fort Worth…”
Tech Support | Massachusetts, USA
(A customer comes to our help desk with a laptop that needs service.)
Me: “Okay, we are going to have to send your computer out for service. It‚Äôs going to take about 10 business days.”
Customer: “What am I going to do?”
Me: “It’s okay, I will provide you with a loaner.”
Customer: “Oh, okay. Wow, that is so sad.”
Me: “What is so sad? That you are going to be without your computer?”
Customer: “No, that’s okay. It’s sad that they are lonely computers!”
Tech Support | Florida, USA
Me: “Thanks for calling, how can I help you?”
Customer: “Yes, your website has been timing me out ever since I switched computers.”
Me: “What kind do you use currently?”
Customer: “Mac, using Safari as the browser.”
Me: “Well, ma’am, we did not test the web site with Macs, and we know it doesn’t work properly with Safari.”
Customer: “Why didn’t you test with Macs?”
Me: “Most of our customer base use Windows based PC’s, typically with Internet Explorer.”
Customer: “Really? I think everyone should use Macs. Everything runs perfectly on them!”
Tech Support | California, USA
Caller: “When is my DSL install going to be done?”
Me: “In two days, sir.”
Caller: “My wife and children just died in a car accident yesterday. I need the internet sooner than that.”
Me: “I’m very sorry to hear that. I will provide you a complimentary dialup account until your DSL is installed.”
Caller: “But dialup is too slow…cancel my order!”
Me: “Sir, if I cancel your order and you wish to schedule service again later, there is a three week wait.”
Caller: “I don’t care! Do it!”
(The next day, the same customer calls back.)
Caller: “Hi, I need to know when my DSL is being installed.”
Me: “Sir, you canceled your order yesterday. Would you like me to reschedule it?”
Caller: “Yes, but I’m not waiting weeks for it, my wife is divorcing me and my kids need it for school.”
Me: “I’m glad to hear that your wife and children have recovered from the fatal car accident.”
Caller: *silence* “So…can I still get the dialup until my DSL is installed?”
Me: “Absolutely!”
Tech Support | Salt Lake City, UT, USA
Me: “Tech support, how can I help you?”
Customer: “Your d*** program keeps closing on me!”
(Note: the program she is referring to is our website.)
Me: “What happens before the ‚Äòprogram‚Äô closes?”
Customer: “I click ‘printer friendly’ so I can print off the page, then I use File->Close to get back to where I was, and the d***ed program keeps kicking me out!”
Me: “You click File->Close?”
Customer: “Yeah! This keeps happening to me with a lot of things! I hate computers.”
Me: “Don’t click File->Close. Try clicking on the back button. It’s the button with the arrow pointing to the left.”
Customer: “There it goes! Wow, you must have to do a lot of training for your job!”
Tech Support | Michigan, USA
(I get a call from a customer saying that there is something wrong with her server.)
Me: “Ma’am, is the screen frozen?”
Caller: “Yes, it is.”
Me: “Alright, go ahead and manually turn it off for me.”
Caller: “Alright, it’s off.”
(This is odd, as it normally takes up to 5 minutes for the server to turn off.)
Me: “Okay. Go ahead and turn it back on, and let me know when it’s back up.”
Caller: *without skipping a beat* “It’s back up, and still frozen.”
Me: “Okay, ma’am. Are you actually turning off the monitor or the computer?”
Caller: “I don’t know! I’m no computer whiz!”
Tech Support | Orlando, FL, USA
Me: “Okay ma‚Äôam, lets try resetting your modem.”
Customer: “How do I do that?”
Me: “Is there a button on the modem?”
Customer: “No.”
Me: “That’s okay. Not all modems have a reset button. We can just unplug it and plug it back in.”
Customer: “Which cord do I unplug?”
Me: “The one that plugs into the wall.”
Customer: “Which one is that?”
Me: “Do you see those larger wires come from the back that go into your computer?”
Customer: “Yeah.”
Me: “None of the wires that look like that.”
Customer: “Oh.. okay. So this small one that says Modem?”
Me: “That‚Äôs the one.”
Customer: “What about this other one?”
Me: “What other one?”
Customer: “There’s another thin wire that goes to this other box.”
Me: “That’s for your phone. Leave that one alone.”
Customer: “Okay. So pull out that wire?”
Me: “No. Just–”
Customer: *click*
Tech Support | Virginia, USA
Me: “Thank you for calling tech support, this is Josh. How may I help you?”
Caller: “I installed the purple bird!”
Me: “Purple bird…you mean Pidgin? Yeah, it’s pretty cool. How can I help you with that today?”
Caller: “My buddy list is empty.”
Me: “Maybe none of your friends are online right now?”
Caller: “It doesn’t COME with friends?!”
Me: “No, sir…”
Caller: *click*
Tech Support | Missouri, USA
Me: “Hello, how can I help you?”
Caller: “Yes, I need help with my printer. I want to print this letter, but it’s not going to fit on the page!”
Me: “What happens when you try to print?”
Caller: “Well, I don’t know. I don’t want to get ink everywhere!”
Me: “Okay, why do you think it won’t fit on the page?”
Caller: “Well, when I held it up to the screen, the paper was smaller than the page in Word. So, it obviously won’t fit!”
Me: “Ma’am, could you just try to print it for me?”
Caller: “I told you, it’ll spill ink!”
Me: “Trust me, it won’t.”
Caller: “Fine, but if it does, you’ll have to clean it up.”
(After a few moments of printing sounds…)
Caller: *gasp* *click*
Technical Support | Columbus, OH, USA
Me: “Thank you for calling tech support. How can I help you?”
Customer: “Hello?”
Me: “Hello?”
Customer: “Hello?”
Me: “Hello?”
Customer: “Hey Jon, check this out! The machine says hello back when I say hello!”
Me: “I’m not a machine, sir.”
Customer: “OH MY GOD, IT’S ADDRESSING ME!”
Me: “No, sir, I’m not a machine!”
Customer: “Oh… so you’re one of them human peoples?”
Me: “Yes, sir, I am a human peoples.”
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