Tech Support | Massachusetts, USA
(A customer comes to our help desk with a laptop that needs service.)
Me: “Okay, we are going to have to send your computer out for service. It‚Äôs going to take about 10 business days.”
Customer: “What am I going to do?”
Me: “It’s okay, I will provide you with a loaner.”
Customer: “Oh, okay. Wow, that is so sad.”
Me: “What is so sad? That you are going to be without your computer?”
Customer: “No, that’s okay. It’s sad that they are lonely computers!”
Tech Support | Florida, USA
Me: “Thanks for calling, how can I help you?”
Customer: “Yes, your website has been timing me out ever since I switched computers.”
Me: “What kind do you use currently?”
Customer: “Mac, using Safari as the browser.”
Me: “Well, ma’am, we did not test the web site with Macs, and we know it doesn’t work properly with Safari.”
Customer: “Why didn’t you test with Macs?”
Me: “Most of our customer base use Windows based PC’s, typically with Internet Explorer.”
Customer: “Really? I think everyone should use Macs. Everything runs perfectly on them!”
Tech Support | California, USA
Caller: “When is my DSL install going to be done?”
Me: “In two days, sir.”
Caller: “My wife and children just died in a car accident yesterday. I need the internet sooner than that.”
Me: “I’m very sorry to hear that. I will provide you a complimentary dialup account until your DSL is installed.”
Caller: “But dialup is too slow…cancel my order!”
Me: “Sir, if I cancel your order and you wish to schedule service again later, there is a three week wait.”
Caller: “I don’t care! Do it!”
(The next day, the same customer calls back.)
Caller: “Hi, I need to know when my DSL is being installed.”
Me: “Sir, you canceled your order yesterday. Would you like me to reschedule it?”
Caller: “Yes, but I’m not waiting weeks for it, my wife is divorcing me and my kids need it for school.”
Me: “I’m glad to hear that your wife and children have recovered from the fatal car accident.”
Caller: *silence* “So…can I still get the dialup until my DSL is installed?”
Me: “Absolutely!”
Tech Support | Salt Lake City, UT, USA
Me: “Tech support, how can I help you?”
Customer: “Your d*** program keeps closing on me!”
(Note: the program she is referring to is our website.)
Me: “What happens before the ‚Äòprogram‚Äô closes?”
Customer: “I click ‘printer friendly’ so I can print off the page, then I use File->Close to get back to where I was, and the d***ed program keeps kicking me out!”
Me: “You click File->Close?”
Customer: “Yeah! This keeps happening to me with a lot of things! I hate computers.”
Me: “Don’t click File->Close. Try clicking on the back button. It’s the button with the arrow pointing to the left.”
Customer: “There it goes! Wow, you must have to do a lot of training for your job!”
Tech Support | Michigan, USA
(I get a call from a customer saying that there is something wrong with her server.)
Me: “Ma’am, is the screen frozen?”
Caller: “Yes, it is.”
Me: “Alright, go ahead and manually turn it off for me.”
Caller: “Alright, it’s off.”
(This is odd, as it normally takes up to 5 minutes for the server to turn off.)
Me: “Okay. Go ahead and turn it back on, and let me know when it’s back up.”
Caller: *without skipping a beat* “It’s back up, and still frozen.”
Me: “Okay, ma’am. Are you actually turning off the monitor or the computer?”
Caller: “I don’t know! I’m no computer whiz!”
Tech Support | Orlando, FL, USA
Me: “Okay ma‚Äôam, lets try resetting your modem.”
Customer: “How do I do that?”
Me: “Is there a button on the modem?”
Customer: “No.”
Me: “That’s okay. Not all modems have a reset button. We can just unplug it and plug it back in.”
Customer: “Which cord do I unplug?”
Me: “The one that plugs into the wall.”
Customer: “Which one is that?”
Me: “Do you see those larger wires come from the back that go into your computer?”
Customer: “Yeah.”
Me: “None of the wires that look like that.”
Customer: “Oh.. okay. So this small one that says Modem?”
Me: “That‚Äôs the one.”
Customer: “What about this other one?”
Me: “What other one?”
Customer: “There’s another thin wire that goes to this other box.”
Me: “That’s for your phone. Leave that one alone.”
Customer: “Okay. So pull out that wire?”
Me: “No. Just–”
Customer: *click*
Tech Support | Virginia, USA
Me: “Thank you for calling tech support, this is Josh. How may I help you?”
Caller: “I installed the purple bird!”
Me: “Purple bird…you mean Pidgin? Yeah, it’s pretty cool. How can I help you with that today?”
Caller: “My buddy list is empty.”
Me: “Maybe none of your friends are online right now?”
Caller: “It doesn’t COME with friends?!”
Me: “No, sir…”
Caller: *click*
Tech Support | Missouri, USA
Me: “Hello, how can I help you?”
Caller: “Yes, I need help with my printer. I want to print this letter, but it’s not going to fit on the page!”
Me: “What happens when you try to print?”
Caller: “Well, I don’t know. I don’t want to get ink everywhere!”
Me: “Okay, why do you think it won’t fit on the page?”
Caller: “Well, when I held it up to the screen, the paper was smaller than the page in Word. So, it obviously won’t fit!”
Me: “Ma’am, could you just try to print it for me?”
Caller: “I told you, it’ll spill ink!”
Me: “Trust me, it won’t.”
Caller: “Fine, but if it does, you’ll have to clean it up.”
(After a few moments of printing sounds…)
Caller: *gasp* *click*
Technical Support | Columbus, OH, USA
Me: “Thank you for calling tech support. How can I help you?”
Customer: “Hello?”
Me: “Hello?”
Customer: “Hello?”
Me: “Hello?”
Customer: “Hey Jon, check this out! The machine says hello back when I say hello!”
Me: “I’m not a machine, sir.”
Customer: “OH MY GOD, IT’S ADDRESSING ME!”
Me: “No, sir, I’m not a machine!”
Customer: “Oh… so you’re one of them human peoples?”
Me: “Yes, sir, I am a human peoples.”
Tech Support | Florida, USA
Customer: “My internet is not working.”
Me: “I can help you with that. Are the lights on your modem lit?”
Customer: “Yes.”
Me: “Good, is the one labeled ‘online’ blinking?”
Customer: “I don’t have a light like that, but it does have the time.”
Me: “The…time?”
Customer: “Yes, and there’s a button labeled snooze!”
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