Me: “Thank you for calling *** Support, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Okay, well, you know how the laptop computers look like chairs?”

Me: “I guess I can kinda see how you could possibly think that…”

Customer: “Well, I sat on it, and now it’s broken.”

Me: “Unfortunately, any sort of warranty will not cover accidental damage on the computer.”

Customer: “It wasn’t accidental.”

Me: “If you sat on it, then it is considered accidental damage.”

Customer: “It’s NOT accidental damage! You think somebody just sits on their computer by accident?!”

Me: “Okay… so the computer is damaged, right?”

Customer: “YES!”

Me: “So, what would you like me to do for you?”

Customer: “I want you to fix my computer! It’s broken!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but any personal damage done to the computer is not covered under warranty. I can possibly send it in to be fixed, but there will be a charge.”

Customer: “It’s not personal damage! I sat on it!”

Me: “If you sat on the computer, than you damaged it personally, and it is not covered under warranty.”

Customer: “Are you calling me fat?!”

Created by our friends at Quitting Time

Original Story:
When Nomenclature Goes Amok

Me: “Hello, *** Customer Support, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I have a problem with my bill.”

Me: “Let’s have a look at it, can you give me your customer number please?”

Customer: “Sure, it’s…”

(While he gives me the number, the fire alarm goes off.)

Customer: “What is this noise?”

Me: “It’s the fire alarm, Sir. I’m afraid I have to call you back later.”

Customer: “Oh, I see. Well, can we go through my bill now?”

Me: “Sir, I’m afraid I can’t do this right now. The fire alarm is on and that means I have to leave the building.”

Customer: “Yeah, sure. So, my bill–”

Me: “Sir, I will gladly check your bill once the alarm is out and the building is safe, but now, I really need to hang up and go outside.”

Customer: “But my bill…”

Me: “Sir, I’m afraid my pants are on fire, so I’d appreciate it if you could agree that I’ll call you back later.”

Customer: “Oh! Okay then, call me in an hour and I hope your pants are fine.”

Me: “Thanks. Bye.”

(My pants of course were not on fire, but I don’t think anything else would have shut him up.)

Related:
Liar Liar On The Telephone (Wire)

(I work for an online traffic school and for some of the counties, we need them to put answers to security questions.

Me: “Hi, this is ***, how can I help you?”

Caller: “Hey, it says that I missed a security question and that I need to call this number to continue.”

Me: “Okay, what question did you miss?”

Caller: “I missed what is my favorite animal.”

(I get his personal information and look up his answer.)

Me: “Sir, the answer we have here says ‘Pussy’. You are aware that this is also the same answer you have for… your favorite food?”

Caller: *click*

(An older customer calls in for tech support with his satellite receiver.)

Me: “Okay, your signal strength is pretty good.”

Customer: “Right.”

Me: “Let’s just verify all your channels are coming in.”

Customer: “Okay.”

Me: “Can you please put it on channel 400?”

Customer: “No problem, hold on.” *dials 4-0-0 into the telephone*

Customer’s wife: “Give me that!”

(She gets control of the phone.)

Customer’s wife: *laughing* “So sorry, he’s such an idiot!”

Related:
Take A Guess Who The Better Half Is

Customer: “Hey, all the computers in the store are down.”

Me: “Yep, I can’t ping your servers or anything. Are you in the computer room?”

Customer: “Yep.”

Me: “What’s on your console?”

Customer: “Hang on, let me get a flash light.”

Me: “A flashlight? Why do you need a flash light?”

Customer: “We’re in the middle of a power outage.”

Me: “Umm… sir, the computers won’t work without power.”

Customer: “Are you sure? They fixed it last time.”

Me: “Pretty sure… I’ve been doing this a while. How did you lose power?”

Customer: “An elephant stepped on the transformer.”

Me: “An… elephant?”

Customer: “We’re having a parking lot carnival, and an elephant got away from the handler.”

Me: “Ah yes, I should have known… those pesky elephants always causing us these problems.”

Customer: “What? Really?”

Me: “Yeah… call us back when you get your power restored.”

Customer: ”How much longer is your department open today?”

Me: “Two hours.”

Customer: “Oh… uhm, you on Mountain Time, then?”

Me: “No, we’re on Pacific.”

Customer: “I’m in Mountain time, so in reality, you’re only there another hour.”

Me: “Sir, seriously, we’re here another two hours regardless of what time zone you’re in.”

(I’m making small talk with a customer while waiting for his computer to boot up. This is after talking about the weather in his area. The following takes place without missing a beat.)

Me: “Yeah, well, I have a friend from Indiana.”

Customer: “Really? Where did you meet him?”

Me: “Actually, it’s a her.”

Customer: “Oh, lucky guy!”

Me: “I met her through her husband.”

Customer: “Oh, not so lucky.”

Me: “He’s my supervisor.”

Customer: “Ouch.”

(I work for an internet tech support center. Due to security and billing, once an account has been registered, it can’t be changed.)

Me: “Thank you for calling ***. What can I do to assist you today?”

Customer: “I need to change the email address I registered on the account.”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, but I do not have the ability to do that for you. “You can, however, set up a sub-account to use instead.”

Customer: “You don’t understand. I really need to change the email address.”

Me: “Well sir, I can give you to another department who might be able to help, but in order to change that, it will essentially disconnect and reconnect your service. This may result in a charge due to your contract. I can show you how to set up a sub-account though.”

Customer: *sighs* “I really have to change my account. My wife is going to kill me.”

Me: “Can I have the email address so I may access your account?”

(There’s a long pause before the customer speaks again.)

Customer: “Ourpaininthea**@***.com. I was really frustrated when I was registering.”

(At this point, I nearly have to mute my phone to keep the customer from hearing my laughter.)

Customer: “My wife uses this to talk to all of her bridge club friends. She will kill me if she has to give this out.”

Me: “Well, sir, you can set up a sub-account just for your wife and she can have whatever email address she wants. You get 10 of them for free, so you would never even have to use the main account if you don’t want to.”

Customer: “Really? Can you show me? You may have just saved my marriage.”

Me: *still trying not to laugh* “No problem, sir…”

Me: “What seems to be the problem?”

Young customer: “My wireless connection isn’t working. Can you take a look at it?”

Me: “Sure, no problem.”

(I get his laptop set-up and test the wireless. It picks up the store wireless with no problem.)

Me: “Well, pal it looks like your laptop is working just fine. It’s possible that it could be your router that’s the problem.”

Young customer: “I don’t have a router. I was just using a neighbor’s. They left and all the other signals are weak or locked.”

Me: “Then there is not a lot I can do for you, pal.”

Young customer: “Can’t you sell me a new wireless card so I can get a better signal?”

Me: “Yeah, sure, but that’s illegal. It’s considered theft of services to use someone’s connection without their permission.”

Young customer: “No, it’s not. If they didn’t want people using it, they would lock it.”

Me: “Yes, yes it is illegal. If I was to steal your car because you left it unlocked, and got caught. I would still go to jail.”

Young customer: “That’s different.”

Me: *sigh* “Sure it is. You have a nice day.”

Young customer: *storms off*