(A coworker and I are working under our walk-up counter; we’re running cables for a new computer station. I overhear a customer talking to the tiny freshman girl working above us at the counter.)

Customer: “I’m here to pick up my laptop.”

Female Coworker: “Okay, it looks like it’s all paid up. I just need to see your ID.”

Customer: “What? Why?”

Female Coworker: “I just need to verify it’s your computer.”

Customer: “Well I don’t have my ID. Just give it to me.”

Female Coworker: “I’m sorry, sir, but we can’t—”

(There are the sounds of quick struggle. She steps back holding the laptop.)

Female Coworker: “Sir, you can’t take the laptop without ID! Now you need to leave or I will have to have you escorted out.”

(I pop up to see what’s going on. The customer looks at me and laughs.)

Customer: “Him? This little b**** is going to escort me out? I’d love to see that!”

Me: “She didn’t mean me…”

(My other co-worker, who was still under the desk, grabs the edge of the counter and hauls his 300lb. self up to his full imposing 6’6″ height.)

Me: “…she meant him.”

(The customer’s face goes pale.)

Customer: “Uh… um… so, I can just come back with my ID and pick that up, then?”

Giant Coworker: “Yes, sir. Feel free to ask for me if you have any more problems.”

Customer: “No! Er, I mean, no; I can’t imagine there’d be any more problems.”

(We now joke that we should keep our giant under the desk for all such issues.)

(One of my tech staff gets off the phone with a loud client. He is visibly frustrated.)

Me: “Next time he calls, put him through to me.”

Tech Staff: “Okay!”

(Minutes later, the call is escalated to me.)

Caller: “This is unacceptable! I demand you fix my issue!”

Me: “Well, unfortunately, you are using an unsupported email client. When you called us to set it up, we explained to you what would happen if you used this client. It appears that you did it anyway. We cannot fix it for you.”

Caller: “That’s unacceptable! We pay you good money to host this for us! I expect you to resolve this for me!”

Me: “Okay, sir. You are a financial advisor to your clients, right?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “So, imagine a customer came to you, and told you they wanted to move all of their investments into magic beans. What would you tell them?”

Caller: “Well, that’s just stupid. I—”

Me: “EXACTLY! So, imagine they did it anyway, and came back to you a few weeks later complaining that they’d lost all of their money. Would you accept liability?”

Caller: “No, but—”

Me: “Well, that’s where I am right now.”

(We never heard from the caller again.)

(I work for a well known camera brand in their technical and customer support department. A customer calls in with quite an angry tone.)

Customer: “I have bought a lens for my camera and the lens cap is stuck on it and won’t come off. This is the second lens of this kind I have had. I had to get the first one replaced for the same issue. There is clearly a fault with this lens.”

Me: “I am very sorry to hear of your issue, sir. Can I ask what lens it is you have and where you bought it from?”

Customer: “It is a [lens model], and I bought it from [store]‘s online store.”

Me: “Thank you. Can you please explain in what way you are having difficulty in getting the lens cap off?”

(I ask this because the lens cap normally just twists off, and it would be very unlikely for it to be stuck on purchasing the lens.)

Customer: “What a stupid question! I am turning it like on all my other lens. They’re supposed to twist off!”

Me: “Have you tried turning it the other way sir?”

Customer: “Oh!”

(There’s a long pause while the customer fiddles with their camera.)

Customer: “…Well, it should be clearer.” *click*

(I overhear a phone call another agent is having with a customer for technical support.)

Agent: “Hi, my name is [name]. Can I get your name and your TID please?”

Caller: *says something*

Agent: “Your name.”

Caller: *says something*

Agent: “Your N… A… M… E.”

Caller: *says something*

Agent: “NAME. N… A… M… E…”

Caller: *says something*

Agent: “No, your name.”

Caller: *says something*

Agent: “Okay, what do people call you when they want your attention?”

Caller: *says something*

Agent: “What did your mother call you when you were born?”

Caller: *says something*

Agent: “Forget that, what’s your station number?”

Caller: *says something*

Agent: “What’s the phone number at your site?”

Caller: *says something*

Agent: “This isn’t working, how about we just end the call now? Get someone that speaks English since the rest of the questions I will have for you are just going to get harder.” *hangs up*

(A customer calls with a very simple request, but because her tablet is out of warranty, so I have to charge her for service.)

Me: “Ma’am, the credit card servers have gone down, so I’m still happy to assist you, no charge. Go ahead and click the button on the side of your device and your problem should be solved.”

Caller: *after clicking the button* “It’s fixed! That was easy. Would you be able to reverse the charge?”

Me: “I was unable to complete the transaction, so there will be no charge.”

Caller: “That’s great, honey, but could you reverse the charges?”

Me: “Ma’am, I never charged you. Your credit card will not be charged.”

Caller: “Sweetheart, I don’t think you understand: I’m not asking you if you charged me, I’m asking you to please reverse the charges.”

Me: “So you want me to give you back the money that I didn’t take from you?”

Caller: “Yes!”

Me: “Sure thing! Have a great day!”

Caller: “Thanks, darling! You too!”