Teacher: “I can’t log in. I am using the username our IT guys set up for us.”

Me: “What username are you using?”

Teacher: “First_Lastname.”

Me: “So what is your first and last name?”

Teacher: “Oh…am I supposed to enter my real first and last name separated by an underscore?”

Me: “As opposed to what?”

Teacher: “As opposed to typing ‘First_Lastname’?”

(I work at a call center geared toward internet and television technical support.)

Me: “Thank you for calling tech support. How may I help you today?”

Customer: “My service is out. It’s been out all day!”

Me: “Okay, I can help you with that. Is this your TV or internet service?”

Customer: “TV or what?”

Me: *slower* “Is this your TV or internet service?”

Customer: “What’s that?”

Me: “What’s what?”

Customer: “That second thing you said. What’s that?”

Me: “The internet.”

Customer: “Yeah, I don’t know what that is.”

Me: “Um, sir, it’s connected to computers.”

Customer: “I don’t know what that thing is, but I don’t got no computer.”

Me: “Okay, what kind of TV service do you have, then?”

(Thankfully, everything goes smoothly once we get off the topic of computers and internet.)

Related:
Log On To The Clueless Wide Web

(I perform technical service on analytical instruments for labs. I am in a lab fixing an instrument that has had a lot of issues.)

Lab tech: “Just pray over it. That will make it better. Just pray.”

Me: “I wish it were that easy! We’re almost there though.”

Lab tech: “You pray over it, I will go to hell. I have to go to hell to fight the zebras!”

(I’m giving a jobseeker the email address of our recruiter. Note that this jobseeker is male.)

Me: “That’s L, V as in Victor, E as in echo.”

(He repeats the email address back to me.)

Caller: “That’s L as in love, V as in valentine, E as in Edward, and S as in Sam.”

Me: “Um, yeah.”

Related:
Less Twilight, More Daylight, Part 3
Less Twilight, More Daylight, Part 2
Less Twilight, More Daylight

Caller: “I know this app is new, but I just can’t figure out why you would release something that clearly doesn’t work!”

Me: “Hmm…everything looks okay on our end with your registration and activation.”

Caller: “Something is wrong because this just doesn’t work! I can’t believe it!”

Me: “Well, sir, I’m not sure what else to try. Are you sure you’re in a Wi-Fi hotspot?”

(There’s a long pause.)

Caller: *starts laughing* “You aren’t going to believe this. I’m the Chief Technical Officer for my company and I’m still in airplane mode.”

Me: “So you’ve turned your Wi-Fi back on then?”

Caller: “Yeah. I feel kind of dumb right now.” *pauses* “Please don’t tell anyone.”

Me: *laughing* “My lips are sealed, sir.”

Related:
Honesty In A Modern Age

Me: “Okay, before I reset your password, I just need you to verify your identity for me. Please respond to the security question that you set up when you made your account.”

User: “Okay, what is it?”

Me: “It looks like your security question is…’Show me what yo’ mamma gave you!’”

User: *raucous laughter*

(We laugh about it together for a good minute. The sound is so loud it draws the attention of my coworkers. He then admits that he remembers entering that security question, but has no idea what he put as the answer — which was simply his name.)

Caller: “My Outlook isn’t working anymore. When I put my password in, it doesn’t log me in.”

Me: “Are you able to access your email using web-access for our email system?”

Caller: “What’s that?”

(This is forgivable. Oftentimes, professors don’t know that they can access their work email using a website as well.)

Me: “Okay, well, if you just go to [site.domain.edu] and enter your credentials–”

Caller: “What’s that?”

Me: “It’s the URL of the web access client. Just open your internet browser and type it in–”

Caller: “What’s an internet browser?”

Me: “It’s the program you use to access the internet.”

Caller: “What’s the internet?”

Me: *speechless*

(I work at an IT helpdesk that supports store managers. A manager calls in about problems with their telephone system.)

Me: “Can you tell me what model equipment are you guys are using?”

Customer: “I don’t know what kind it is.”

Me: “Can you read me what the label says on unit?”

Customer: “It says A…T…something in Chinese…and another T.”

Me: “Chinese?”

Customer: “I’m gonna unplug it.”

Me: “No, wait. Don’t–” *call disconnects*

(Since he disconnected his entire telephone system, we couldn’t contact the store and had to drive down to talk to them personally. We ended up having to hire a 3rd party tech to go out and plug that device back in and reconfigure the entire system. Apparently, they don’t have the ampersand in Alabama.)