Client: “Can you make these messages go away?”

Me: “Which messages are those, sir?”

Client: “The ones I get when I run backups.”

Me: “Ah. What do they say?”

(He reads out the error messages.)

Me: “Uh, sir, how long have you been getting these errors for?”

Client: “Since your software was installed last year. Why?”

Me: “And did you report this earlier, sir?”

Client: “No, but they’re really starting to bug me. How do I make them go away?”

Me: “Sir, you do realise that ‘Backup Failed [error code], contact [supplier]‘ means you have no backups of your entire financial system?”

Client: “What the h*** does that matter? I’m sick of having to hit ENTER all the time! Just tell me how to get rid of these stupid messages!”

(I am listening in on a call with an agent about programming a remote to the elderly customers TV.)

Agent: “I’ll be happy to help you with that, sir. What brand of TV do you have?”

Customer: “It’s a V1210 TV.”

Agent: “Pardon?”

Customer: “It’s a V1210 TV.”

(The agent looks at me in total confusion.)

Me: “Does he mean Vizio?”

Agent: “Sir, are you it isn’t Vizio?”

Customer: “Oh, yes! Vizio! I probably should’ve put my glasses on before I checked.”

Me: “Good morning, thank you for calling [tech support]. How may I help you today?”

Customer: “Yes, the mouse that came with my computer is defective; it is not working right.”

Me: “I am sorry to hear that; how exactly is the mouse defective?”

Customer: “When I move the mouse right, the pointer goes left. When I move the mouse left, the pointer goes right.”

Me: “Okay, when you look down at the mouse, there is one cable sticking out of the mouse, right?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Is that cable facing toward you or away from you?”

Customer: “The cable in the mouse is facing toward me.”

Me: “Let’s try this; please turn the mouse around so that the cable is facing away from you.”

Customer: “It’s working now!”

(I have a broken hand, and have my arm in a plaster.)

Me: “Hello this is [name] from IT support. What can I do for you?”

Customer: “Hello, I have a problem.”

Me: “Okay, what is your concern?”

Customer: “As I said, I have a problem.”

Me: “Okay, I should be more specific. What is your problem about?”

Customer: “My computer doesn’t work as it should.”

Me: “What is it your computer is supposed to do? I mean what program do you want to start, or what you want to do with your computer?”

Customer: “Are you a moron? I told you my computer doesn’t work. I want you to fix it right now!”

Me: “I need more inf—”

Customer: “You’re just being stupid and lazy! You’re a bunch of f****** morons! I will get your a** fired, and I will get it done today!”

Me: “Please calm down and—”

Customer: “Don’t tell me what I have to do! I want to talk to your manager!”

(My manager sits in the same office and has heard everything.)

Manager: “Give her to me.”

(She takes the call and leaves the room. Some moments pass as my manager talks to her. She comes back crying. I get the customer back on my phone; I’m really mad, as my manager is a friendly person.)

Customer: “WILL YOU NOW HELP ME, MORON? I NEED MY COMPUTER TOD—”

Me: “Shut up.”

Customer: “What!”

Me: “I’ll give it a last try. If you yell at me, I’ll quit the call, and you will have to fix your computer by yourself, understand?”

Customer: “Erm… well yes, but—”

Me: “No ‘buts’. So, what program do you want to use?”

(From this point on, it’s easy. I get the information I need to take her case, and give it to a team of specialists. After the call my coworker gets my attention.)

Coworker: “What the h*** did you just do?”

Me:*looking down* “Oh, yeah. I broke my plaster.”

Coworker: “You just yelled at a customer, defended our manager, and risked your job, and the only thing you care for is your plaster?”

Me: “I thought it was a really nice plaster.”

(This makes my manager smile again, and all my other coworkers laugh. I still work for the company, but now all the angry and rude customers are sent directly to me.)

(I work for a company that provides online subscriptions of technical software. A customer calls us from Colorado.)

Customer: “I need the password to my account.”

Me: “I can assist you with that; can you verify your username?”

Customer: “I don’t know it. That’s why I’m calling you.”

Me: “Okay. Well, how about your email address?”

Customer: “Try these…”

(He gives me five email addresses. I search them all.)

Me: “Sir, I can’t find these. Can you tell me the company name?”

Customer: “Try these…”

(He gives me two company names. I am getting suspicious, but I look them up anyway.)

Me: “Sir, I still can’t find these. What about any names that may be on the account.”

Customer: “F***! We signed up six months ago, and spent $2500 with your d*** company! We haven’t even used your s*** yet, so you better find my password.”

Me: “Would you have a confirmation number?”

Customer: “NO! Where the f*** would that be?”

Me: “It would’ve been sent in an email.”

Customer: “That was six months ago! Who the f*** keeps emails that long?”

Me: “Well, if I’d spent $2500 on something, I’d try to keep track of it.”

Customer: “F*** you. You’re not helping me because you don’t f****** want to. I want to speak to your supervisor.”

Me: “Sir, I am the supervisor. And if you have no confirmation number, no receipt, no username, no valid email address, no valid company name, and no valid customer name, I have no way to look up your account.”

Customer: “Look it up under [somewhat common name].”

Me: “Well, I do have one customer under that name.”

Customer: “That’s it!”

Me: “But he’s out of Texas, and he has never purchased what you say you’ve purchased.”

Customer: “Well it may be under Jennifer’s name.”

Me: “What’s Jennifer’s last name?”

Customer: “I don’t know. Just give me Jennifer’s account.”

Me: “Sir, we have at least 150 registered users named Jennifer.”

Customer: “Well find one out of Colorado and give me her username.”

Me: “If you’d like to tell ‘Jennifer’ to call us and give us authorization to give you access to her account, I’d be more than happy to help you.”

Customer: “Oh f*** you, you guys are worthless.” *hangs up*