(I am in the middle of finishing the last download to fix a customers computer, but his internet keeps resetting.)

Me: “Sorry the download didn’t work. Your internet reset again. We will have to try it again and hopefully it will finish this time.”

Customer: “You know, if you want to speed this up, all you have to do is take the mouse, and kinda rub it over the download box.”

Me: “I’m sorry, rub it over the download box?”

Customer: “Yea you know? If you tickle the download box with the mouse it goes faster. I thought you would know that, being a Tech Support guy and all.”

Customer: “My email is not working!”

Me: “What do you mean it’s not working?”

Customer: “I can’t send any email. I need to send email. I have to confirm bookings and other stuff for my B&B! I need this fixed right away!”

Me: “Okay, I was just heading out. I will drive straight over.”

(I arrive at the customer’s B&B.)

Customer: “I am so glad you could come so quickly. I just don’t know what to do without my email!”

(I look at the computer, use the mouse to send myself a test email, everything works fine.)

Customer: “No, no! Not like that! Type the email!”

Me: “Oh, okay.”

(I type and nothing happens. I reach behind the computer and plug the keyboard back in. The email starts to work again.)

Me: “Your keyboard was unplugged.”

Customer: “Oh yeah, a wire got kicked out when I was sitting there. I guess it was an important one after all.”

(I am helping a caller on the phone who recently had some scanning software installed on her computer.)

Me: “Place the document on the glass and press the scan button on the computer screen.”

Caller: “That is what I did and it is nothing is happening.”

Me: “Is the scanner on. There should be a light on it that indicates that it is on. Maybe it is not plugged in or hooked up correctly?”

Caller: “Yes, it’s on. I can see all of my other files and folders on the screen.”

Me: “Wait…what do you mean you see other files and folders?”

Caller: “I see my windows desktop and the monitor seems to be working like it always does.”

Me: “When I told you to place the document that you want to scan on the glass, are you holding it up to the glass on your monitor?”

Caller: “Yes!”

Me: “That would be our problem. You need to have a scanning machine in order to scan documents. You don’t use your monitor.”

Caller: “Oh. How do I get one of those?”

Me: “Thank you for calling, how can I help you?”

Caller: “I’m the number one web developer in Atlanta. I have a client base and I wanted to peruse your products. How do I get to your website?”

Me: “Our website is [site name] dot com.”

Caller: “Where do I type that?”

Me: “In your web browser, sir.”

Caller: “Found it! Is the ‘dot’ in ‘dot com’ a period?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Caller: “I typed it, now what do I do?”

Me: “Hit ‘Enter’, sir.”

Caller: “I don’t see that on my screen.”

Me: “It’s on your keyboard, sir.”

(This happened to a friend who worked as tech support at an ISP around 1999.)

Me: “Thanks for calling [ISP] how can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I was buying this skin care cream online, and then something happened. I need you to send someone here!”

Me: “Alright, Ma’am, can you tell me what happened?”

Customer: “The internet swallowed my credit card!”

Me: “I see, can you describe how it happened?”

Customer: “I put the cream in the basket, clicked the checkout option and then it said it was going to ask for my credit card on the next step, then it simply swallowed it!”

(I go through 10 minutes of attempts to try and find out what actually happened, before sending someone over. It turns out she inserted the credit card inside the Floppy Drive to pay the order.)

(Note: this phone call took place back when dial-up internet was more popular.)

Me: “Good afternoon, how may I help you?”

Customer: “This stupid modem doesn’t work.”

Me: “I’m sorry. What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “It doesn’t work! It’s stupid!”

Me: “Well, to fix it I need to know how it isn’t working. Is it turned on now?”

Customer: “How should I know if the stupid thing is on or not?”

Me: “Well, there’s an on/off switch on top, and a power light. Is the switch on and the light green?”

Customer: “Look, I don’t have time for all these stupid questions. I can just show you what it’s doing.”

Me: “You can show me how the modem isn’t working?”

Customer: “Yeah… listen!”

(Suddenly, there is the loud scream of a modem in my ear. After a moment the call disconnects. The customer calls back a minute later.)

Customer: “There! See what the stupid thing did?”

Me: “Yes, sir, you told the modem to dial while we were already talking on the line. It screamed in my ear and disconnected.”

Customer: “You see! This stupid thing does this every time I try to use it while I’m on the phone!”

Me: “Sir, you can’t use modem on the same line where you are already making a phone call.”

Customer: “What? I can’t have my phone line tied up every time I want to send a file! That’s stupid! This thing is a piece of sh*t!”

Me: “Sir, are you able to make a new telephone call when you are already talking on that line without hanging up on the first person or putting them on hold?”

Customer: “Of course not! Why would you even ask something stupid like that?”

Me: “Well, your modem can’t do so either.”

Customer: “That’s stupid!” *hangs up*

Customer: “Someone stole my satellite navigation. The police told me you can block it.”

Me: “I’m sorry, you were misinformed. Your satellite navigation can only receive a GPS signal. It does not transmit anything, so we are unable to find it, or disable it.”

Customer: “But they told me you can block the signal.”

Me: “Unfortunately, only the U.S. military can block GPS signals.”

Customer: “Well, can’t you call them?”

Me: “I am afraid not. They will only disable GPS use in times of war.”

Customer: “But, can’t you tell them my satellite navigation was stolen?”

Me: “If they disable GPS use, it is disabled for everyone, except the military.”

Customer: “So?”

Me: “Thank you for calling [company], how may I help you?”

Customer: “My computer monitor is broken.”

Me: “Okay, sir. What are the symptoms? Does it just not turn on?”

Customer: “The text is really hard to read.”

Me: “Just the text?”

Customer: “Yeah, everything else is fine. I think the backlight thing is dying.”

(I remote connect to the users machine.)

Me: “Is this what you’re talking about?” *uses the pointer on the screen*

Customer: “Yeah, the text right there in my email. It’s faded out. See that?”

Me: “Sir, your text color is set to grey.”

Customer: “I didn’t know the monitor could do that!”

Related:
Lack Of Grey Matter