There Are No Stupid Questions, Just Stupid People

Call Center | Louisville, KY, USA

(As with most customers, once you’ve told them to “right click” on something one time, they can’t help but ask you about it every few seconds…this was a special instance.)

Me: “Alright ma’am, I need you to click on the icon for me.”

Customer: “Right click or left click?”

Me: “By default, always left click, unless I say otherwise.”

Customer: “Alright.”

(5 minutes later…)

Me: “Ok, go ahead and click on that button for me.”

Customer: “Right click or left click?”

Me: “By default, always left click, unless I say otherwise.”

(5 more minutes later…)

Me: “Can you click on that icon for me ma’am?”

Customer: “Right click or left click?”

Me: “By default, always left click, unless I say otherwise.”

Customer: “You already said that like three times!”

Related:
Stupidity Is The Mother Of Repetition

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A Woman Of Few Words

Information Technology (University) | Midwest, USA

(I was in our technology support office when a housekeeping staff person, Donna, stopped by. There was no preamble to the dialog below.)

Donna: “Dr. Franklin gets e-mail in his office.”

Me: *nods*

Donna: “Alicia says she can check her e-mail in the office.”

Me: *nods*

Donna: “I like e-mail.”

Me: “Nice.”

Donna: “Nice?”

Me: “Not nice?”

Donna: “I like e-mail.”

Me: “I like e-mail, too.”

Donna: “You don’t have it?”

Me: “I do.”

Donna: “I like e-mail.”

Me: *biting lower lip, uncertain what to say or do*

Donna: “I like e-mail.”

Me: *glancing at the clock on the wall*

Donna: “I like to have e-mail.”

Me: “I like having e-mail, too, and I check it all the time.”

Donna: “Can I have it? I like to have e-mail.”

Related:
The Art Of Ambiguity

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PEBCAK, Episode II

Tech Support | Austin, TX, USA

(We get a LOT of calls like this.)

Him: “I locked myself out of my computer, and I can’t get in and I need to get in! My password doesn’t work!”

Me: “Okay, we can do a password reset for you.”

Him: “This is really important, I need to be able to log in!”

Me: “Okay, sir, no problem. Can you just verify your login ID for me?”

Him: *verifies*

Me: “Okay, great. Now can you verify that your Caps Lock is not on?”

Him: “What? That’s stupid, why would I…oh.” *silence*

Me: “Sir?”

Him: “…it just worked all of a sudden, thanks.”

Me: “…”

Related:
Problem Exists Between Chair And Keyboard

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He Wants The Internets

Electronics Retail | Calgary, Alberta, Canada

Me: “Hey, my name is ***, what can I do for you?”

Old Man: “My great-grandson was telling me about this really neat thing on his computer. I would like to buy it.”

Me: “So your nephew has this ‘thing’…what does it do?”

Old Man: “Well, he was showing me videos and we played a few puzzles. I was also able to check my lottery numbers.”

Me: “Oh, the internet…you’re just looking to hook up the internet in your house?”

Old Man: “Yes, I would like to buy the internet.”

Me: “Um, well you don’t purchase the actual internet. It’s kinda like paying your phone bill. You pay them and they give you phone services.”

Old Man: “I know how a telephone works! Would you like to make some commission on this internet sale or should I take my business elsewhere?”

Me: “Sir, I don’t think you understand. You need to call Shaw, Telus, or Rogers and they will come hook up your internet. It’s not a physical thing.”

Old Man: “I am writing to the Better Business Bureau and reporting this incident to your manager. I know what the internet is, WalMart has it! I’m going to take my purchase to them!”

Retail:
He Wants The Google
She Uses The Google

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Fighting Crazy With Crazy

Tech Support | Texas, USA

(Keep in mind that I’m male with a deep voice. We do not send techs to troubleshoot; troubleshooting has to be done on the phone, then we send a tech to replace parts.)

Me: “Thank you for calling ***. How may I–”

Customer: “Send me a tech to fix my computer.”

Me: “Well, what’s wrong with it?”

Customer: “It’s not working!”

Me: “Well, ok, but in order to get it working again, I would need to know what exactly is wrong.”

Customer: “I just told you it’s not working. Send me a tech to fix it!”

Me: “I’m afraid I can’t do that. I can help you perform some troubleshooting and–”

Customer: “Why the f**k can’t you just send me a tech?”

Me: “Well, like I said, I can’t do that. All I can do is troubleshoot with you on the phone to find out what’s wrong and then–”

Customer: “WELL THAT’S GREAT, A**HOLE! I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU SAY! SEND ME A TECH, NOW!”

Me, fake crying: “Why? Why do you hate me so much? Don’t you know how hard it is for a single mom with 5 kids to make a living?” *sob*

Customer: “???” *hangs up*

(I got written up for that. It was totally worth it though!)

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I Said, Zzzzip It

Tech Support | Phoenix, AZ, USA

Customer: “I’m trying to add an FTP user, and I can’t figure out what to do.”

Me: “Alright, sir. I see that this is on a server for which you declined a support contract. All I can do is to direct you to the help center article that will instruct you how to do this; I can’t add it for you, or walk you through it.”

Customer: “Look, all I’m trying to do is add an FTP user.”

Me: “Sir, when you purchased this server we offered a support contract, which you declined–”

Customer: “I just want to add an FTP user! You should be able to do that for me!”

Me: “–and when you declined the support contract, you had to click on a button to accept full responsibility for managing your server.”

Customer: “This isn’t a server management issue. I’m just trying to add an FTP user.”

Me: “Sir, true or false? You purchased this server from us.”

Customer: “True.”

Me: “You declined the support contract, true or false?”

Customer: “True.”

Me: “And you accepted full responsibility for managing the server, true or false?”

Customer: “True.”

Me: “…so, why are you asking me?”

Customer: “…” *click*

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This Little Piggy Went To H*ll

Tech Support | Colorado Springs, CO, USA

Me: “Can I help you?”

Teacher: “Yes, I’ve forgotten my password and would like you to retrieve it for me.”

(ID Verification stuff…)

Me: “Alright, just a moment. Okay, ma’am. Your password is…”

Teacher, apparently remembering at the last minute: “Oh, no…”

Me: “Piggly…Wiggly…F**ker.”

Teacher: *sheepishly* “Yeah…thank you.”

Me: *bursts out laughing*

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A Simple Hello Would Have Sufficed

Tech Support | Amherst, MA, USA

(I had just taken the client’s information and asked him what kind of issue he was having.)

Him: “Well, I’ve been having some problems with my emai–”

(I hear the guy pull the phone away from his mouth.)

Him, yelling: “HEY, SHUT THE F*CK UP MOTHERF*CKER!”

Someone else in the background: “NO, YOU’RE THE MOTHERF*CKER A**HOLE! YOU SHUT THE F*CK UP!”

(After about ten seconds of silence the guy comes back on the line and continues describing his problem like nothing ever happened.)

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Just Wait Until She Names Her Kids

Tech Support | Grand Rapids, MI, USA

(This customer called in to reactivate her account. She didn’t remember the original password so I reset it for her)

Me: “All right, your password must be at least six characters in length, contain letters and numbers, and cannot be a common dictionary word. What would you like it to be?”

Customer: “Eat sh*t.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “The password–eatsh*t.”

Me: “Alright…but it requires a number.”

Customer: “Oh….”

Me: “How about 1eatsh*t1?”

Customer: “Great!”

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Problem Exists Between Chair And Keyboard

Tech Support Specialist | Buffalo, NY, USA

(I had just started a new IT job for a large school district and was not expecting the level of stupidity I would be dealing with on a regular basis. Within my first 3 weeks, I receive a phone call from a school.)

Clerk: “Hi, I am trying to use this new system on these computers and I attempting to make my account. My Principal got me started but now I am stuck.”

Me: “What seems to be the problem?”

Clerk: “Well, it is asking me for First Name and I have no idea what I am supposed to type.”

Me: “You’re at the registration screen? Um…well I think you are supposed to enter your name.”

Clerk: “Oh…okay…wait. No, it’s asking me for something else.”

Me: “What now?”

Clerk: “It says…last…name…what do I put here?”

Me: “Probably your last name.”

Clerk: “Oh, thanks…oh Jesus, now it’s asking for my phone number! What the hell am I suppose to put here! Why can’t I just do it the old fashioned way?”

Me: “You mean pen and paper?”

Clerk: “Yes! It was so much easier. These fancy computers are just so complicated. I never understand what I am suppose to do!”

(I bit my tongue and just let her ramble on about how ‘First Name’ was such an incredibly hard concept to grasp.)

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