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    A Punchy Solution

    | Ireland | Technology, Theme Of The Month

    Me: “Hello, technical support, how can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Hi! I just received my new computer, and the button on the CD tray doesn’t work properly.”

    Me: “Okay, what exactly is the problem?”

    Customer: “I press the button, and the tray opens. I put the CD in, but when I press the button to close the tray, nothing happens.”

    Me: “Okay, so the tray is open now?”

    Customer: “No, it’s closed now.”

    Me: “How did you close it?”

    Customer: “Oh, I just gave it a punch!”

    Me: “Okay…”

    The Number One Problem With Laptops

    | MA, USA | Technology, Theme Of The Month

    (A customer drops off a laptop for repair. I set up the unit and test for common software and settings issues with no results. I turn the computer over, remove the bottom panel and immediately notice liquid and dried residue around the battery and main-board. A few seconds later a very strong smell of urine hits in waves and fills the tech. I call the customer to inform her of the findings.)

    Me: “Hello, ma’am. I’ve taken a look at your computer, and we have found liquid inside the computer.”

    Customer: “Yes, I know.”

    Me: “Umm… the liquid appears to be biological in origin. Urine.”

    Customer: “Yes, I know.”

    Me: “…unfortunately, we are prohibited from working on computers that have a biological hazard in them. So I will have your computer available for pickup this afternoon.”

    Customer: “So, when will it be fixed?”

    Me: “I do apologize for the inconvenience, but we are unable to work on computers with this type of issue due to health regulations.”

    Customer: “This is why I didn’t tell you guys that it got p***** on! F*** you! I’m going to talk to your manager and get you fired!”

    (Two days later, my manager informed me that the customer had yelled at him when she picked up the computer. She then called home office to try to get us in trouble for discriminating against her when he wouldn’t order me to fix the computer.)

    Not-So-Smart Phone, Part 7

    | CA, USA | Technology, Theme Of The Month

    Coworker: “Hey, my start bar is going crazy, and my keyboard won’t respond.”

    Me: “Pick up your cell phone.”

    Coworker: “That worked! Was the radiation interfering with the computer?”

    Me: “No, it was sitting on your space bar.”

    Related:
    Not-So-Smart Phone, Part 6
    Not-So-Smart Phone, Part 5
    Not-So-Smart Phone, Part 4

    Not Even Remotely Close

    | ON, Canada | Extra Stupid, Technology, Theme Of The Month

    (My customer needs help setting up a 3rd party recording device, so I spend a few minutes explaining where the connections need to go. Then he asks for help programming our remote to control his 3rd party equipment.)

    Me: “Okay, we’re almost ready to program it now! We just need one more piece of information. Can you find the manufacturer of your recorder for me?”

    Customer: “Oh yeah, it’s a Hitachi.”

    Me: “Excellent! Let’s see what the code is for Hitachi then. Give me one moment.”

    Customer: “Did you need me to spell it for you?”

    Me: “Well, you said it’s a Hitachi, right?”

    Customer: “Yeah. But it’s spelled with a ‘B’.”

    Me: “Sorry, did you say a ‘B’, as in bravo?”

    Customer: “Yeah! It says T-O-S-H-I-B-A, Hitachi!”

    His Definition Of Solid Is Not So Solid

    | PA, USA | Technology, Theme Of The Month

    (I’m on the phone with a customer who is having an Internet connection problem.)

    Me: “Is the light on your modem blinking?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “So, it is solid then?”

    Customer: “Yes. It’s solid, then it’s off, then it’s solid again, then it’s off again…”


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