(The customer was having trouble accessing his e-mail. I am walking through the steps.)

Me: “Now, if you could just type in the address bar—”

Caller: “Oh, you’ll have to give me a minute. I’ve only got one arm. I was in the war.”

Me: “Oh, it’s okay. Take your time. I actually had a cousin that just got back from Afghanistan. He had lost both of his legs. I couldn’t imagine.”

Caller: “Actually, I didn’t lose my arm in the war. I lost it in the shower.”

Me: *in shock*

(I’m a service coordinator for a cellphone provider and I receive a phone call from a customer wanting help setting up his email.)

Customer: “Okay, I’m into the email setup, but now, it’s asking for an email address and password. What email do I use?”

Me: “Whichever email you want coming to the phone.”

Customer: “I want my work email.”

Me: “Then, enter your work email address and password.”

Customer: “What is my password?”

Me: “I don’t know your password, sir. Only you should know that.”

Customer: “I don’t know it. Where can I get it?”

Me: “It will be the same password you enter when checking your email at work.”

Customer: “You mean [password]?”

Me: “Um, yes, enter that. For future reference, you shouldn’t give out your password to people.”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “That is how your email is secured so that others cannot access it. Someone who knows it could log into your email and send false emails or delete your emails on you.”

Customer: “What? I don’t want that. Give it back!”

Me: “Give what back?”

Customer: “My password! I don’t want you logging into my email!”

Me: “I’m not sure what you’re asking, sir. You verbally spoke your password. I cannot give it back.”

Customer: “Well, this is just great. Now the whole world can access my email!”

Me: “I assure you, sir, that nothing will happen. We honor customer security and nobody will know your password.”

Customer: “But you know it.”

Me: “Yes, because you told me. However, I will not do anything with it. As I said, we honor customer security and all information is confidential. You have nothing to worry about.”

Customer: “Okay.”

Me: “Did you manage to finish the setup?”

Customer: “What setup?”

Me: “You were setting up your email, did it go through?”

Customer: “It’s still asking for a password.”

Me: “Enter the password you said before and click ‘OK’. You should get a prompt saying it was successfully setup.”

Customer: “You mean [password]?”

Me: “Yes, enter that.”

Customer: “Okay, it says it was successful.”

Me: “You should start getting email now. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

Customer: “So, can you keep my password in case I need it again?”

Me: “Hello, sir, how can I help you?”

Caller: “Hi, I’d like to take this plug and put it into that socket.”

Me: “Okay, sir. What is the shape and color of the plug and socket?”

Caller: “The plug is blue and square-shaped and the socket is a blue circle.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but it doesn’t look like those plugs are compatible.”

Caller: “That’s not right. They’re both blue.”

Me: “Yes, but the plug is square and the socket is a circle. Square plugs usually won’t fit into a circle-shaped socket.”

Caller: “But they’re both blue and conduct electricity from this local area. That doesn’t make sense!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I can’t help you do what you want to do. You need a square-shaped socket for it to happen.”

Caller: “Really? I’m not so sure you’re right. You sound rather confused, actually…”

Me: “Thank you for calling [company]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “So, like, I poured coffee on my keyboard, then put it on my radiator to dry it out, then ran it through the dishwasher, then through the dryer, but now when I type it does funny things. Do you think the coffee could have ruined it?”

(I have to place customer on mute to laugh for almost a minute while he elaborates on his story.)

Me: “Yes, sir, it does sound like your keyboard has physical damage and will need to be replaced.”

(I work for a major cable company troubleshooting internet problems over the phone. I am not sure if the customer in this story isn’t sober or just crazy, but he definitely isn’t right.)

Me: “All right…let’s reconnect the cables to your router and we’ll have you back up in no time.”

Customer: *distracted* “Hey, honey? How many fingers should I have?”

Wife: *in the background* “You have five on each hand.”

Customer: *panicking* “Oh, God! I’ve only got four and my thumb!” *to me* “I’m going to have to call you back. I need to dial 911 now!” *hangs up*