Client: “My windows are broken! Every time I try to open a new one, the file menu just closes right away! I can’t get anything done!”

Me: “Do you need this big pile of paper here?”

Client: “Uh…”

Me: “The one that’s sitting on the Escape key.”

Client: “Well, you must think I’m an idiot.”

When I was working at a credit card processor’s help desk, I got a call from a small motel saying their credit card machine was not connecting. This was back in the day when they dialed out on a phone line. The caller said she’d plugged a phone into the line the machine used and successfully called a friend of hers, which put her head and shoulders above the typical caller.

Me: “Is the phone still plugged into that line?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “Dial [number]. That’s the number the machine actually calls. It’s toll-free even though it doesn’t look it.”

Caller: “Oh! I got a recording saying our [Phone Company] long-distance bill hasn’t been paid, and it wants me to call a number to arrange payment. I’m so embarrassed!”

Me: “Don’t be. It’s not your fault the darn phone bill went unpaid.”

Our customer service number was an 800 number, so their local carrier put it through directly, but it didn’t recognize the machine’s weird toll-free number, so it transferred it to their long-distance carrier, who balked at placing the call.

I have this exchange with a client via email.

Client: “My Internet isn’t working, and I need to check my flight number, my stocks, etc.”

Me: “What are you emailing me from?”

Client: “What do you mean? A computer, obviously.”

Six minutes pass while I wait for him to put it together.

Client: “Hello? Are you going to help me or not?!”

At my previous job, I worked for a university as a network engineer. It was a large campus with lots of agriculture. Because of some of the distances between buildings and the nature of the “farm” on the south side of campus, fiber was not run everywhere.

This is the story of one such building that was provided with a point-to-point wireless link. The shot was just over a mile in distance. Everything worked as expected, and they really only had issues on rainy days.

One bright sunny day, we got a ticket that the Internet was out at the farm building. We went out there, and everything looked fine. We left.

A few days later, the same thing. Okay, odd.

A couple of weeks later, we got the same report. We thought maybe foliage from a nearby tree was causing issues; it was springtime and the link had been installed during winter. So, we trimmed the trees.

But we were still getting reports of outages. We realigned the access points. I didn’t help. What gives?

One day in late summer, some coworkers were out there and noticed a very large bull lying on top of a hill — the same hill that the wireless link shot over.

LIGHTBULB!

They asked about the bull and were told that was his favorite place to lie down. Face-palm.

They raised the access points higher in the air, and the problem went away. A dang cow was blocking the wireless signal!

Client: “I bought this Mac from you only eighteen months ago, and it’s not working anymore. This is ridiculous!”

I inspect it.

Me: “Well, if you see here, the insides are pretty well full of Coca-Cola.”

Client: “That’s impossible. I drink Pepsi.”