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  • This Round He Lost (In Translation), Part 4
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    Turned The Problem Right Around

    | IL, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology, Themed Giveaway

    Me: “Good morning, thank you for calling [tech support]. How may I help you today?”

    Customer: “Yes, the mouse that came with my computer is defective; it is not working right.”

    Me: “I am sorry to hear that; how exactly is the mouse defective?”

    Customer: “When I move the mouse right, the pointer goes left. When I move the mouse left, the pointer goes right.”

    Me: “Okay, when you look down at the mouse, there is one cable sticking out of the mouse, right?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Is that cable facing toward you or away from you?”

    Customer: “The cable in the mouse is facing toward me.”

    Me: “Let’s try this; please turn the mouse around so that the cable is facing away from you.”

    Customer: “It’s working now!”

    A Customer To Send You Up In (Broken) Arms

    | Berlin, Germany | Technology, Themed Giveaway, Top

    (I have a broken hand, and have my arm in a plaster.)

    Me: “Hello this is [name] from IT support. What can I do for you?”

    Customer: “Hello, I have a problem.”

    Me: “Okay, what is your concern?”

    Customer: “As I said, I have a problem.”

    Me: “Okay, I should be more specific. What is your problem about?”

    Customer: “My computer doesn’t work as it should.”

    Me: “What is it your computer is supposed to do? I mean what program do you want to start, or what you want to do with your computer?”

    Customer: “Are you a moron? I told you my computer doesn’t work. I want you to fix it right now!”

    Me: “I need more inf—”

    Customer: “You’re just being stupid and lazy! You’re a bunch of f****** morons! I will get your a** fired, and I will get it done today!”

    Me: “Please calm down and—”

    Customer: “Don’t tell me what I have to do! I want to talk to your manager!”

    (My manager sits in the same office and has heard everything.)

    Manager: “Give her to me.”

    (She takes the call and leaves the room. Some moments pass as my manager talks to her. She comes back crying. I get the customer back on my phone; I’m really mad, as my manager is a friendly person.)

    Customer: “WILL YOU NOW HELP ME, MORON? I NEED MY COMPUTER TOD—”

    Me: “Shut up.”

    Customer: “What!”

    Me: “I’ll give it a last try. If you yell at me, I’ll quit the call, and you will have to fix your computer by yourself, understand?”

    Customer: “Erm… well yes, but—”

    Me: “No ‘buts’. So, what program do you want to use?”

    (From this point on, it’s easy. I get the information I need to take her case, and give it to a team of specialists. After the call my coworker gets my attention.)

    Coworker: “What the h*** did you just do?”

    Me:*looking down* “Oh, yeah. I broke my plaster.”

    Coworker: “You just yelled at a customer, defended our manager, and risked your job, and the only thing you care for is your plaster?”

    Me: “I thought it was a really nice plaster.”

    (This makes my manager smile again, and all my other coworkers laugh. I still work for the company, but now all the angry and rude customers are sent directly to me.)

    Should Keep Better Account Of His Account

    | USA | Money, Technology

    (I work for a company that provides online subscriptions of technical software. A customer calls us from Colorado.)

    Customer: “I need the password to my account.”

    Me: “I can assist you with that; can you verify your username?”

    Customer: “I don’t know it. That’s why I’m calling you.”

    Me: “Okay. Well, how about your email address?”

    Customer: “Try these…”

    (He gives me five email addresses. I search them all.)

    Me: “Sir, I can’t find these. Can you tell me the company name?”

    Customer: “Try these…”

    (He gives me two company names. I am getting suspicious, but I look them up anyway.)

    Me: “Sir, I still can’t find these. What about any names that may be on the account.”

    Customer: “F***! We signed up six months ago, and spent $2500 with your d*** company! We haven’t even used your s*** yet, so you better find my password.”

    Me: “Would you have a confirmation number?”

    Customer: “NO! Where the f*** would that be?”

    Me: “It would’ve been sent in an email.”

    Customer: “That was six months ago! Who the f*** keeps emails that long?”

    Me: “Well, if I’d spent $2500 on something, I’d try to keep track of it.”

    Customer: “F*** you. You’re not helping me because you don’t f****** want to. I want to speak to your supervisor.”

    Me: “Sir, I am the supervisor. And if you have no confirmation number, no receipt, no username, no valid email address, no valid company name, and no valid customer name, I have no way to look up your account.”

    Customer: “Look it up under [somewhat common name].”

    Me: “Well, I do have one customer under that name.”

    Customer: “That’s it!”

    Me: “But he’s out of Texas, and he has never purchased what you say you’ve purchased.”

    Customer: “Well it may be under Jennifer’s name.”

    Me: “What’s Jennifer’s last name?”

    Customer: “I don’t know. Just give me Jennifer’s account.”

    Me: “Sir, we have at least 150 registered users named Jennifer.”

    Customer: “Well find one out of Colorado and give me her username.”

    Me: “If you’d like to tell ‘Jennifer’ to call us and give us authorization to give you access to her account, I’d be more than happy to help you.”

    Customer: “Oh f*** you, you guys are worthless.” *hangs up*

    No ID-ea Who Is Hiding Under There

    | Richmond, VA, USA | Bad Behavior, Technology

    (A coworker and I are working under our walk-up counter; we’re running cables for a new computer station. I overhear a customer talking to the tiny freshman girl working above us at the counter.)

    Customer: “I’m here to pick up my laptop.”

    Female Coworker: “Okay, it looks like it’s all paid up. I just need to see your ID.”

    Customer: “What? Why?”

    Female Coworker: “I just need to verify it’s your computer.”

    Customer: “Well I don’t have my ID. Just give it to me.”

    Female Coworker: “I’m sorry, sir, but we can’t—”

    (There are the sounds of quick struggle. She steps back holding the laptop.)

    Female Coworker: “Sir, you can’t take the laptop without ID! Now you need to leave or I will have to have you escorted out.”

    (I pop up to see what’s going on. The customer looks at me and laughs.)

    Customer: “Him? This little b**** is going to escort me out? I’d love to see that!”

    Me: “She didn’t mean me…”

    (My other co-worker, who was still under the desk, grabs the edge of the counter and hauls his 300lb. self up to his full imposing 6’6″ height.)

    Me: “…she meant him.”

    (The customer’s face goes pale.)

    Customer: “Uh… um… so, I can just come back with my ID and pick that up, then?”

    Giant Coworker: “Yes, sir. Feel free to ask for me if you have any more problems.”

    Customer: “No! Er, I mean, no; I can’t imagine there’d be any more problems.”

    (We now joke that we should keep our giant under the desk for all such issues.)

    Dealing With A Magic Bean Counter

    | MN, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (One of my tech staff gets off the phone with a loud client. He is visibly frustrated.)

    Me: “Next time he calls, put him through to me.”

    Tech Staff: “Okay!”

    (Minutes later, the call is escalated to me.)

    Caller: “This is unacceptable! I demand you fix my issue!”

    Me: “Well, unfortunately, you are using an unsupported email client. When you called us to set it up, we explained to you what would happen if you used this client. It appears that you did it anyway. We cannot fix it for you.”

    Caller: “That’s unacceptable! We pay you good money to host this for us! I expect you to resolve this for me!”

    Me: “Okay, sir. You are a financial advisor to your clients, right?”

    Caller: “Yes.”

    Me: “So, imagine a customer came to you, and told you they wanted to move all of their investments into magic beans. What would you tell them?”

    Caller: “Well, that’s just stupid. I—”

    Me: “EXACTLY! So, imagine they did it anyway, and came back to you a few weeks later complaining that they’d lost all of their money. Would you accept liability?”

    Caller: “No, but—”

    Me: “Well, that’s where I am right now.”

    (We never heard from the caller again.)


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