(A customer calls and needs a password reset. I reset it and the password has upper and lower case letters and a number in it.)

Me: “Okay, I have a new password for you.”

(I spell out the password for the customer to write down.)

Customer: “Thanks. Is the 4 capital, too?”

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Me: “Here is the number. Do you have a pen?”

Customer: “No, I’ve never used one before…”

(We don’t have a tech support team of any kind at our store. However, since I have my certifications to do, I often perform simple repairs for customers if it’s not busy. On this particular day, a gentleman walks into the store with his laptop looking panicky.)

Customer: “Hey, can you fix my computer?”

Me: “I suppose. What seems to be happening?”

Customer: “I can’t back up my iPhone. I keep getting an error message.”

Me: “I’ll have a look for you.”

(I turn on the laptop, plug in his phone and get an error message saying that there isn’t enough drive space. He has 16.8MB of space left on a 500GB drive. I check to see what’s clogging up all his drive space and find that almost EVERY file on his drive is very strange, deviant pornography.)

Me: “Sir…your hard drive is full of porn.”

Customer: “So?”

Me: “That’s why you can’t back up your iPhone. You don’t have enough room.”

Customer: “I’m not sure I follow.”

Me: “Sir, you have too much porn on your hard drive. If you delete some of it, you’ll have enough room for the files on your iPhone.”

Customer: *beginning to panic even further* “But I can’t delete it! I need it! I NEED IT ALL!”

Me: “Um, okay…” *I grab a USB drive off the shelf* “This is a flash drive. You can move some of your files on to it and then you’ll have room to back up your iPhone.”

Customer: “Can you show me how? I’m not good with this tech stuff.”

(I ring the flash drive through the till. He pays for it and I move a bunch of his files over to the thumb drive.)

Me: “There you go, sir. Now you can back up your iPhone.”

Customer: “Thank you. Um, can I get a few more of those flash…thingies?”

Me: “Sure.”

(He grabs four more 16GB drives, pays for them, and hurriedly leaves the store.)

(A customer has ordered an SSL certificate to enable https on their website.)

Me: “You should receive a confirmation email with a link.”

Customer: “Is this the email?”

(The customer sends me a copy of the email, including the link he needs.)

Me: “Yes. If you follow the instructions in the email, your certificate will be installed automatically.”

Customer: “I didn’t receive the email. Resend, please!”

(I work with IT issues over the phone. Sometimes, it’s hard to hear the customers clearly.)

Me: “Okay, ma’am, and on your username, was that N as in Nancy?”

Customer: “No, N like knife.”

Me: *jokingly* “So, N like pneumonia?”

Customer: *exasperated* “Yes! I said N as in knife! Jeeze, can you turn up your volume or something?”

(A customer is calling because iTunes can’t detect her new iPad. I pick up the phone and she speaks immediately.)

Customer: “I swear that if, at any point in this conversation, you tell me to buy a Mac, I will find you and kill you.”

Me: “Okay, well, I’m not telling you to buy a Mac, but you should know that they cut back on compatibility issues and-”

Customer: “Don’t do it. Just stop now. Make the PC work. I believe in you.”

(I am taking calls on Thanksgiving day.)

Customer: “Wow! A real person!”

Me: “Yes, sir! We’re staffed 24/7/365!”

Customer: “They make you guys work holidays. That’s terrible! Why would they do that?”

Me: *smiling to myself* “In case someone calls in for help.”

Customer: “What kind of work-a-holic would call in on a holiday?”

(A customer brings in a phone that is still covered in the snow she just dropped it in.)

Me: “I am sorry, but we do not service liquid damaged phones.”

Customer: “How is that liquid damaged?”

Me: “Well, you brought it in covered in snow.”

Customer: “Snow is not water.”

Me: “It’s frozen water. See how the counter is getting wet?”

Customer: “Well, now it is! You need to replace my phone since you let it get wet!”

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May Cause Belief In Humanity To Melt Away

(I receive a call from a customer who lives in the continental United States.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [shipping company]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I’m trying to make a ground shipment and the website won’t let me!”

(This company disables ground shipping if your account is late. I check the customer’s account and it is current.)

Me: “When did this start?”

Customer: “Do you think it could have anything with the shipment going to Hawaii?”

Me: “That’s probably it…”

(I’m the IT manager at my work. I’ve just created a user account for our HR manager.)

Me: “So, the username is [username] and the password is just 1234.”

Caller: “1234? That’s it?”

Me: “We try to keep it simple.”

Caller: “Okay, thanks.” *hangs up*

(About a minute later, he calls back.)

Caller: “It that capitalized?”