Customer: “Hi, I had my computer looked at there, and you guys said that it’s running slow because there are probably bugs in it. Well, I sprayed some bug spray in it and now it won’t turn on.”

Me: “Ma’am, when they tell you bugs, they mean computer viruses, not an actual bug.”

Customer: “Well, what can I spray it with to get rid of the viruses?”

Me: “This is [company name].”

Customer: “Hi, who’s this?”

Me: “[Company name], are you calling for tech support?”

Customer: “Oh, I guess it’s the wrong number. Well, what do you guys do?”

Me: “We’re an online virtual conferencing company. We allow you to host meetings online with webcams and slideshows.”

Customer: “Oh, that’s cool. Anything else you do? Other features?”

Me: “We also have a feature that lets you remotely take control of another person’s computer, or show them your own.”

Customer: “Oh really? That’s pretty awesome. So can you take control of anybody’s computer?”

Me: “Yeah, as long as their system supports the software.”

Customer: “So, can you do it without their permission? Like, can you use it to hack into somebody’s computer with it?”

Me: “No, guests must be attending the conference and give permission for this.”

Customer: “Oh, I’m not interested then.” *click*

Me: “Thank you for calling Tech Support, how can I help you?”

Customer: “My device won’t charge!”

Me: “Okay, is it plugged in right now?”

Customer: “No, but it doesn’t charge!”

Me: “Okay, ma’am, just to cover all the bases, can you plug it back in for me?”

Customer: “Okay, but it won’t charge!” *pause* “G** D*** it! It’s charging!”

Me: “Well, it sounds like it was a one-time glitch, but if it gives you any more problems, please call us right away so we can get it fixed for you, okay?”

Customer: “I’m not going to call you back! You’re just going to make it work again!”

Related:
Disappointed By A Lack Of Disappointment

Customer: “Excuse me, may I ask you a question?”

Me: “Sure, what can I do for you?”

Customer: “Can you tell me if this game will fit on my computer?”

(I look at size of game install from box.)

Me: “Okay, this takes four gigs of hard drive space. How big is your hard drive?”

Customer: “I’m not sure. About this big, I think?” *holds hands about four inches apart*

Me: “How can I help you?”

Customer: “I can’t do that thingy.”

Me: “I’m sorry, What thingy?”

Customer: “Emails. It keeps saying error 421. I never put that number in.”

Me: “That’s an error number. Can you tell me what lights are flashing on the modem?”

Customer: “What’s that?”

Me: “It’s a small box with cables running into it. It will have a lot of lights flickering on it.”

Customer: “The box with the blinky lights?”

Me: “Yes, that should be it.”

Customer: “Oh, I thought my son put that in here to annoy me, so I unplugged it!”

Me: “Thank you for calling [TV Company], how may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, my TV is broken.”

Me: “I’ll be glad to help you today. What is wrong with your TV?”

Customer: “The picture keeps flashing on and off.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am. Can I have you check the connections on the back of your TV to make sure everything is screwed in tightly?”

Customer: “Well, the lights in my house are flashing on and off too. We’re in a tornado warning. Do you think that has something to do with it?”

(I am assisting a customer in creating a dialup connection on his computer. We’re up to the part where he enters his password. We’ve entered a few letters, when we come to one that is a bit troublesome.)

Me: “The next letter is ‘T’, as in Tom.”

Customer: “Z?”

Me: “‘T’, as in Tom.”

Customer: “I’m not hearing that letter.”

Me: “It’s a letter ‘T’ as in Thomas.”

Customer: “P?”

Me: “A letter ‘T’, as in Thomas, as in ‘taste’, as in…”

Customer: “I’m still not hearing the letter.”

Me: “Okay, the letter in the alphabet that comes after ‘S’ as in
salamander.”

(Customer pauses for about 5 seconds.)

Customer: “L?”

Me: “This is [company name].”

Customer: “Hi, who’s this?”

Me: “Are you calling for tech support?”

Customer: “Oh, I guess it’s the wrong number. Well, what do you guys do?”

Me: “We’re an online virtual conferencing company. We allow you to host meetings online with webcams and slideshows.”

Customer: “Oh, that’s cool, anything else you do, other features?”

Me: “We also have a feature that lets you remotely take control of another person’s computer, or show them your own.”

Customer: “Oh really? That’s pretty awesome. So can you take control of anybody’s computer?”

Me: “Yeah, as long as their system supports the software.”

Customer: “So, can you do it without their permission…like, can you use it to hack into somebody’s computer with it?”

Me: “No, guests must be attending the conference and give permission for this.”

Customer: “Oh, I’m not interested then.” *click*

Me: “This is Internet tech support. What can I do for you?”

Customer: “Uhm, yeah. I have a problem with my computer.”

Me: “Okay, what seems to be the issue?”

Customer: “There is a big vagina on the screen and I can’t get it off.”

Me: “That would be an advanced support question. One moment while I transfer you…”

Related:
On The Need For Hazard Pay, Part 2
On The Need For Hazard Pay

Me: “IT Helpdesk at [university]. How can I assist you today?”

Caller: “Hello, you folks were supposed to give me a new computer. I have a note on my desk with the new log-in and everything, but there’s no computer here!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. May I have your name so I can look up your ticket? ”

(She gives me her name and I look her up in our work order system. I recognize the ticket, as I was the person who set-up the computer for her while she was out of the office.)

Me: “Alright, ma’am, I’ve found your ticket. I was actually the tech who set this up for you. I know everything was delivered properly and I watched as the department secretary locked the door to your office when I was finished. But you’re saying that there’s no computer there now?”

Caller: “Nope, no computer here. Just a keyboard, mouse and screen. The door was locked this morning when I came in.”

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am, you said that there’s a keyboard, a mouse and a screen?”

Caller: “Yes, a keyboard a mouse and a screen. No computer.”

Me: “I think I see the problem. The computer that we upgraded you to is called an iMac. It doesn’t have a separate tower unit. The whole computer is there in that screen.”

Caller: “No…”

Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

Caller: “You cannot be serious!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. I assure you.”

Caller: “Are you trying to play a joke on me, young man?”

Me: “No, ma’am. The whole computer is contained in that one unit. Have you tried turning it on? There should be a button on the back.”

Caller: “No…you can’t be serious!”

Me: “Please, just try turning on the computer. There should be a button on the back on the left-hand side.”

Caller: “Hold on…”

(In the background I hear the Apple boot sound.)

Caller: “Goodness!”

Me: “Alright, just follow the directions for logging in that I left for you. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

Caller: “This is amazing, young man!”

Me: “I’m glad! Let us know if there’s anything else you need. Have a nice day!”

Caller: “I’m sure I will!”