October Theme Of The Month: Halloween!

Won’t Go Down For Downtown

| MI, USA | Hotels & Lodging, Transportation

(We occasionally get calls from hotels to arrange transportation for their guests. This happened on a Sunday evening.)

Hotel Clerk: “Hi, I was wondering if you could take a guest of mine? He wants… Where do you want to go, sir?”

(I can hear the guest in the background, very loud and rude.)

Hotel Clerk: “He wants to go downtown. How much is that?”

Me: “With us, that’s $30, one way. I can speak with him, if you’d like.”

(The clerk proceeds to hand the phone over. The customer is audibly drunk.)

Customer: “How much is it to go downtown?”

Me: “It’s $30 with our service, sir.”

Customer: “No, no, no, no, no. No. I’ll give you $20.”

Me: “Our prices are firm, sir. We are a luxury service.”

Customer: “Well, aren’t you just precious. You’re so sweet; I’m going to give you $20 for it and that’s all.”

Me: “No. We will not go below $30 for this trip, sir.”

Customer: “Who do you think you are? I can call up any cab service for less, but I’m offering to give you $20 for this.”

(At this point, the clerk grabs the phone away from his guest.)

Hotel Clerk: *clearly desperate* “So can you take him?!”

Me: “He’s drunk, isn’t he?”

Hotel Clerk: “Yes.”

Me: “I’m sorry you have to put up with him, but he’s not getting in one of my vehicles. Here’s the number to a cab service. They’re going to be cheaper and they might actually put up with him. Best of luck. He cannot be easy to have right in front of you.”

Hotel Clerk: *defeated* “Okay. Thanks.”

The Weather Outside Is Frightful And The Customer Is Not Delightful

| Lincoln, England, UK | Crazy Requests, Holidays, Theme Of The Month, Transportation

(I work as a telephonist and talk to huge volumes of customers each day. This particular day there has been a power cut which has knocked out the computer booking system and most of the traffic lights in town. To make things worse, the Christmas market in town is causing total gridlock. I receive a call from an angry caller.)

Caller: “I want to know where my taxi is. It was supposed to be here five minutes ago. This is totally unacceptable.”

Me: “I’m very sorry about the delay, madam. As you may know, there has been a power cut. Our driver has been stuck at an intersection. The traffic lights are down and the main flow of traffic isn’t letting the cross-flow through. This has caused a delay.”

Caller: “Why the h*** didn’t you compensate for this and dispatch it earlier?”

Me: “Once again, Madam, I’m sorry, but I’m not sure how I’m supposed to predict a power cut. Your car will be there within five minutes.”

Caller: “Well, that doesn’t help me. I’ll ask again. Why did you not take this into consideration and dispatch the car earlier?”

Me: “With all due respect, madam, I could ask you why you didn’t book it earlier if you knew there was going to be a power outage?”

Caller: “How the h*** was I supposed to know there would be a power cut?”

Me: “So you agree that these situations are unforeseen?”

Caller: “I don’t want excuses. I want my taxi. You should have prepared for this and dispatched it earlier. I want your name so I can complain about your attitude.”

Me: “Absolutely, madam. My name is [Name].”

Caller: “And who is your manager?”

Me: “That would be me. I can take your complaint about me now, if you’d like.”

(The caller hangs up. The driver arrives three minutes later and waits outside of her house for five minutes. He calls her phone and even knocks on the door but the customer doesn’t answer. Ten minutes later the caller rings back.)

Caller: “Where the h*** is my god-d*** taxi?!”

Me: “The taxi called for you, madam. Did you not receive a phone call?”

Caller: “Yes. What the h*** has that got to do with anything?”

Me: “That was our driver, letting you know he was outside. Did you hear a knock at the door?”

Caller: “Yes, but I didn’t answer because I was getting ready. Where the h*** is my cab?”

Me: “He has been given another job now, madam. He waited outside for five minutes, called, and knocked. In addition, I told you personally that he would be there within five minutes. Yet you were still getting ready when it arrived.”

Caller: “Well, you’d better get another f****** taxi here right now!”

Me: “I’m sorry, madam. Due to the high volume of bookings, the power cut, and the Christmas market, our next available booking slot is in two hours.”

Caller: *deafening stream of abuse*

Me: “Have a nice evening and Merry Christmas, madam!” *click*

Their Brain Is French-Fried

| BC, Canada | Extra Stupid, Language & Words

Customer: “Where are you from?”

Me: “From Quebec.”

Customer: “Quebec? Is that the province that speaks French?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “But how come you can speak in English?”

Me: *looking at him in disbelief*

Customer: “And when you started to speak in English, did you choose to have a French accent?”

Got A Taxi-ing Search Ahead Of Them

| Las Vegas, NV, USA | Extra Stupid

(My friend and I are just about to get out of a cab at 4 am when two girls approach the driver.)

Girl: “I forgot something in the last cab.”

Driver: “Which cab?”

Girl: “I don’t know.”

Driver: “Do you know which cab company?”

Girl: “No.”

Driver: “There are lots of companies.”

Girl: “Some old guy.”

Driver: “There are lots of old guys…”

We Can Either Do This The Long Way Or The Long Way

| Albury, Australia | Money

(A passenger hails my taxi outside a bar.)

Me: “Good evening, sir. Where would you like to go?”

Passenger: “Take me to [other bar, about a $10 fare], and make sure you go the shortest way! Don’t be taking the long way around to get more money!”

Me: “Of course, I was going to go my usual way, which is the shortest and cheapest. Is that okay?”

Passenger: “No! That’s the long way! Take me this way.”

(The passenger proceeds to guide me on an angled course that adds at least 40% to the trip.)

Passenger: “Now, that’s the way you go! I’ve got you taxi drivers all figured out. You always try to go that other way, but mine is better!”

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