A friend of mine is an apprentice at a tattoo shop. A client came in recently and got a sentence tattooed on their back. The customer called the store a few hours after returning home, demanding a refund.

Client: “You did my tattoo backward!”

Tattoo Artist: “It’s backward?”

Client: “Yes! I’m looking at it in the mirror right now!”

I work in a tattoo parlor.

Customer: “Do tattoos hurt?”

Me: “Yeah, they tend to sting more than anything. Some areas hurt more than others.”

Customer: “I want to get a tattoo. Is there any way you can tattoo me without the pain or sting?”

Me: “Um… No. It’s part of the process. In order to get tattooed, I have to punch small holes into your skin to deposit ink in to make a tattoo happen.”

Customer: “Oh. Can you use a marker and make it stay on my skin forever?”

I work in a tattoo parlour. We get lots of phone calls in the summer. Most of them go like this:

Caller: “Hello! I’d like to get one of those non-permanent tattoos, you know, that will fade away in a couple of months.”

Me: “Hello! We are sorry, but we don’t do non-permanent tattoos. We only do very permanent tattoos.”

Caller: “Yes, you do. I saw it online.”

Me: “Again, we are very sorry but we don’t. You can check our website.”

Caller: “Are you sure? I’m on the Internet right now and it says you do.”

Me: “We don’t. I’m not sure where you are, but not on our website.”

Caller: “I SAW IT ON THE INTERNET!”

Why would anyone think we would deny business and not want, well, MONEY?

I own a tattoo shop that is in a strip mall and locate next door to a piercing shop. I go next door to watch the lobby for the piercer while they run and grab some change.

A customer walks in, and I get why she thinks I work there; I am sitting behind the counter.

Customer: “I was here last week, and you f***ed up my piercing. It’s infected now, and I need you to fix it.”

Me: “I don’t work here. I’m just—”

Customer: “No, it was you; I remember your tattoos. Look.”

She proceeds to show me her navel piercing. It’s swollen over the cheap, crappy jewelry (obviously not from the upscale shop we are in) and covered in a yellow crust.

I keep trying to explain to her that I’m not a piercer and that he will be right back, but she keeps insisting that I’m responsible for her piercing and that I alone should fix it.

Customer: “Are you calling me a liar? I remember you! I don’t want some guy touching me!”

Mind you, the only piercers who work in this shop at the moment are men.

Customer: “You need to help me, or I’m going to have to go to the hospital and have this thing surgically removed, and then I will have to sue you for my medical bills.”

Me: “Since I’m not a piercer, I don’t know for sure, but that thing looks pretty gross. Maybe you should go to the hospital and get it checked out.”

Customer: “I’m not going to the hospital! YOU are going to fix it! YOU f***ed it up! I need this fixed today!”

Me: “Okay. Fill out this form and we will see what can be done.”

I am tired of dealing with her and I just want her to stop talking. The piercing shop has a long release form that everyone has to fill out, so I give her one of those to keep her busy until the piercer returns.

When he does, I explain the woman’s problem, and then I sneak out the back door to return to my much quieter tattoo shop.

Maybe ten minutes pass, and guess who walks into my shop?

Customer: “I want to get a tattoo done today.”

This lady acts like she has never seen me before; she makes no mention of me being in the other shop or anything.

Me: “I’m sorry, but I’m busy today. We are booked out for several months and are not able to take any new clients for a while.”

Customer: “I want this.”

She empties half of her purse onto my table to pull out reference pictures and proceeds to describe a fairly large and detailed tattoo.

Customer: “I know how much tattoos cost, so I don’t intend to overpay.”

Me: “There is no way I can tattoo you today, and I’m about to lock up for lunch.”

She goes through the gate that separates the lobby from the tattoo station, sits down on my massage table, and holds out $40.

Customer: “How long do you think this will take? Can I use your phone? I have to call my husband and tell him when I’ll be home.”

I’m super non-confrontational, so it’s weird for me, but I address her in a kind of stern voice.

Me: “Ma’am, you have to leave. You are not getting tattooed here today. I am not taking new clients. Also, you’ve been kind of rude both here and next door, and I just plain dont want your business.”

Customer: “Here.” *Holds out $40 again* “You’re not busy now, so I don’t see what the problem is. How do you even stay open if you refuse to tattoo anyone? Here!” *Shoves the $40 at me*

I’m getting kind of hangry at this point.

Me: “We tattoo plenty of people; I just won’t be tattooing you. You’re demanding a $400 tattoo for $40 when I’m already booked, and you were rude to me next door. Please take your stuff and leave. I’m trying to get lunch before my next appointment.”

Customer: “I don’t mind waiting.”

I’m now totally annoyed and I get kind of rude.

Me: “I’m not tattooing you now, or ever. Get your s***, get out of my shop, and don’t ever come in here again.”

I pick up her tattoo reference photos and shove them back in her purse to hand to her.

She switches to full-blown banshee.

Customer: “WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU DOING?! GIVE ME MY PURSE! YOU’RE TRYING TO ROB ME! GIVE ME MY F****** MONEY BACK OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE!”

She carries on a bit more, and I walk to the door, open it, and throw her purse outside.

Me: “Call whoever the f*** you want, but you need to leave now.”

She practically leaps for the door, continuing to scream about her purse, the contents of which spilled from me tossing it. On her way out, she pushes me hard enough that I cut my shoulder on the corner of a vending machine in the lobby.

I lock the door behind her, gather my things, and walk out the back to get lunch at the bar a couple of doors down. I spend over an hour there working on my laptop, and at one point, I get a notification that someone has left my shop a review. Guess who?

It is the most insane and confusing review I have ever read. My favorite parts are that I secretly disclosed having hepatitis to her and that her nephew had planned to do an apprenticeship with us but won’t after how she was treated. The rest of it is profanity and claims that my shop is dirty, I’m a drug addict, etc. I flag it with Google and figure that that’s the end of that.

When I return to the shop, I go out onto the enclosed patio out front and find all but one of my potted plants broken, dirt and plants everywhere, a bench thrown halfway over the fence, and the Christmas lights torn down. My gate has been kicked or pushed so hard that it is sitting crooked on the hinges, my small window has been broken, and one of the letters is torn off my “tattoos” sign. On top of that, my f****** car has been keyed; my car has a HUGE sticker for my shop, and my plate is TA2NU, so it was obvious who to target. It is not just a little bit keyed, either; this lady went CRAZY while keying my car. There is so much damage that I can’t believe she was able to do it in the hour or so I was gone. No one saw it happening because the strip mall door and parking lot configuration are kind of weird.

I start crying. I am so bummed about my shop, the car, and all of it. I’m really low-key and get stressed easily, and this is too much. I then call the police, cancel my next appointment, and go next door to visit while I wait for the cops.

It turns out that the lady was crazy rude to the piercer, as well, and that he also wound up kicking her out. She wanted him to replace the cheap jewelry she’d gotten pierced with at another shop with a $150 barbell for free, and she became irate when he refused

The cops eventually show up and take a report. I fill out some forms, an officer takes a photo of the cut I got from being pushed, and I show them the video of the woman trashing the place; it didn’t catch all of it but enough.

Officer: “This report is pretty much just for your insurance, unfortunately, since we don’t know who this woman is or how to find her.”

Then, I remembered the release form she had filled out at the piercing shop. As part of the release form process, I had made a photocopy of the woman’s ID.

We dug the release form out of the trash, and the cops then had her full name, recent address, phone number, etc. She lived not even a half-mile from the shop.

She was arrested and eventually had to serve several MONTHS in jail.

The day after the incident, the woman’s husband called and offered to pay for the damages, and the day after that, he came in and paid me around $5,000 in cash. It was weird; he was a nice and seemingly normal guy. He apologized and said the woman had a “temper”.

After the woman got out of jail, for about a year, my shop would get these random super weird reviews from random Gmail accounts that had no other reviews. I have no proof it was her, but we never got bad reviews until this happened and they were all written in the same way.

In fifteen years in the business, she was the wildest customer I ever had. I still wonder if she ever realized that she provided us with the information that made it super easy to track her down right after.

This story is part of our Not Always Right Most-Epic Stories roundup!

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I’m designing a tattoo for a friend and she gives me a small illustration as an example of what she wants.

Me: “What do you like about this example and what don’t you like? How should I make it different?”

Client: “I don’t know. Just make it [Client]!”